Harmonious Relationships thru Effective Communication: Resolving Issues by Healing and Dealing with Emotional Upsets

By Matthew Stubbs

If you are currently in a relationship, just got out of one, or have been single for a while, then this book will be incredibly helpful and beneficial to you. This book will provide you and your partner with comprehensive knowledge, useful tips, effective strategies, and a step-by-step process to transform your relationship into a more harmonious one. If you are currently single, it can also help you identify and resolve your issues in order to prepare you for your next relationship, and get it off to a good start and provide a solid foundation to ensure goes smoothly. As the title suggests, the focus is on developing effective communication skills, habits, and learning ways to relate and communicate. Additionally, all the things that couples do that are dysfunctional and don’t work are covered so that you can understand what is very likely blocking you and causing trouble. You will be able to clearly see what you are doing, or have done in the past, that doesn’t work and be able to stop doing it. Just ceasing those behaviors alone is going to quickly and radically improve your relationship.

In addition, some key understandings of basic Psychology are provided to help you understand many of the dynamics of how your issues are brought up in romantic relationships. You will discover how this is actually a very positive and beneficial thing once you learn how to go through them more easily and harmoniously as a team because it can actually lead to healing of various core issues we all have–as well as the stored emotional baggage that goes along with them. Unique understandings are provided about what emotions really are, how they function, and how you can use them to actually identify and resolve your issues, which leads to self improvement and healing. Doing this enables a somewhat hidden benefit of relationships to be realized, which may actually be a primary purpose of romantic relationships: personal growth, transformation, and healing.

Even so, at times upsets will no doubt still occur. So, the last portion reveals a unique step-by-step process that teaches and guides you to work though emotional upsets and upheavals in a productive and harmonious way. It transforms them from fighting, arguing, and interactions that don’t resolve anything into something that is productive and beneficial. Otherwise, these arguments, upsets, and conflicts tend to make relationships a burden and sometimes bring them to an end. Often this is a premature end, which is why studying and applying this book can perhaps “save” your relationship. In addition, it is these times of emotional upset that can help you identify the core issues you have; Instead of being a negative thing, they actually turn into a wonderful opportunity to make fundamental change and finally resolve the issues that are really at the heart of things.

All along the way, many “Key Concepts” and “Nip-it Tips” are shared that will make a world of difference when applied. These are bolded and set-off so that you can refer to them and refresh your memory about them quickly and easily. All combined, this book will enable you to learn a great deal about communication, relationship dynamics, emotions, issues, patterns, and ways to transform your relationship and heal yourself both on the mental level and emotional one as well. Using this book, you personally will achieve resolution of your issues and healing, so will your partner, and your relationship itself will also be transformed to become more love-based, functional, enjoyable, and harmonious.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Matthew Stubbs
• Release date: Mar 10, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370526017

Matthew Stubbs

Matthew Stubbs has a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science with a minor in Mathematics. He also has an Associate’s degree in Science and an Associate’s degree in Art. His studies had an emphasis in Political Science and the Social Sciences including Philosophy, Psychology, Ethics, and Sociology. He worked for one of the top four computer consulting firms as a senior consultant.For a bit more than the past decade, Matthew has lived in a cabin at 9,300 ft. elevation in the Rocky Mountains. There he has continued to enjoy nature, work on his own learning and inner growth, and focused on writing books. His intent for writing is to hopefully pass along any valuable knowledge, pragmatic tools, and wisdom he has attained in order to be of help and service to others.Matthew was involved in politics and traveled to Washington D.C. twice to lobby on behalf of the world hunger issue. He also traveled twice to a small town in Nicaragua. The first trip was to help build a community health center and the second was to help build a high school.Matthew was trained in the Loving Relationship Training (LRT) program created by Sondra Ray Leonard. He led emotional release breathwork workshops for over a decade at the Steps to Awareness festival in Telluride Colorado. He is also a level III Reiki practitioner. He practiced the martial art of Aikido for many years.Raised in the mountainous state of Colorado in the United States, he has enjoyed and learned from spending a great deal of time in nature: climbing 14,000 ft. peaks, backpacking and camping, downhill and cross-country skiing, and he is an avid mountain biker and road cyclist. He has written poetry since the age of fifteen, and recently has been writing songs, which have been composed and produced resulting in a first CD.“I feel as though I’ve spent the past 50 years doing research and study in order to come up with the content for my books. I knew I wanted to be a writer since I was 13 years old, but first I needed to discover and learn something truly valuable to write about via the best teachers there are–firsthand life experiences and going within. I see writing as a process–only the final step of which is putting words to paper.”–Matthew Stubbs

Book preview

Chapter 1: Introduction

If you are currently in a relationship, just got out of one, or have been single for a while, then this book will be incredibly helpful and beneficial to you. This book will provide you and your partner with comprehensive knowledge, useful tips, effective strategies, and a step-by-step process to transform your relationship into a more harmonious one. If you are currently single, it can also help you identify and resolve your issues in order to prepare you for your next relationship, and get it off to a good start and provide a solid foundation to ensure goes smoothly.

As the title suggests, the focus is on developing effective communication skills, habits, and learning ways to relate and communicate. Additionally, all the things that couples do that are dysfunctional and don’t work are covered so that you can understand what is very likely blocking you and causing trouble. You will be able to clearly see what you are doing, or have done in the past, that doesn’t work and be able to stop doing it. Just ceasing those behaviors alone is going to quickly and radically improve your relationship.

In addition, some key understandings of basic Psychology are provided to help you understand many of the dynamics of how your issues are brought up in romantic relationships. You will discover how this is actually a very positive and beneficial thing once you learn how to go through them more easily and harmoniously as a team because it can actually lead to healing of various core issues we all have–as well as the stored emotional baggage that goes along with them.

Unique understandings are provided about what emotions really are, how they function, and how you can use them to actually identify and resolve your issues, which leads to self improvement and healing. Doing this enables a somewhat hidden benefit of relationships to be realized, which may actually be a primary purpose of romantic relationships: personal growth, transformation, and healing.

The first portion of the book provides a lot of the fundamental understanding and knowledge you will need to improve, and perhaps save, your relationship. Utilizing this on a day-to-day basis will transform your relationship into a more peaceful, joyful, loving, and harmonious one. In short, this will greatly assist you in avoiding unnecessary conflicts and arguments that typically go nowhere and take a heavy toll on you personally as well as the relationship itself.

Even so, at times upsets will no doubt still occur. So, the last portion reveals a unique step-by-step process that teaches and guides you to work though emotional upsets and upheavals in a productive and harmonious way. It transforms them from fighting, arguing, and interactions that don’t resolve anything into something that is productive and beneficial. Otherwise, these arguments, upsets, and conflicts tend to make relationships a burden and sometimes bring them to an end. Often this is a premature end, which is why studying and applying this book can perhaps save your relationship. In addition, it is these times of emotional upset that can help you identify the core issues you have; Instead of being a negative thing, they actually turn into a wonderful opportunity to make fundamental change and finally resolve the issues that are really at the heart of things.

All along the way, many Key Concepts and Nip-it Tips are shared that will make a world of difference when applied. These are bolded and set-off so that you can refer to them and refresh your memory about them quickly and easily.

All combined, this book will enable you to learn a great deal about communication, relationship dynamics, emotions, issues, patterns, and ways to transform your relationship and heal yourself both on the mental level and emotional one as well. Using this book, you personally will achieve resolution of your issues and healing, so will your partner, and your relationship itself will also be transformed to become more love-based, functional, enjoyable, and harmonious.

Story of this Guide

I did not begin writing the contents of this handbook with the intention of making or publishing a book. How it came about is perhaps interesting for a number of reasons. In addition, in the story are several things to be gleaned and learned that actually help explain some of the key concepts herein.

In the beginning of writing the contents of this guide, I was in a very intense loving relationship. The intensity was because the woman had been my first true, intense love when I was nineteen years old. However, that initial relationship lasted perhaps two years and then it ended when she moved out of state.

I grieved intensely for over a year. I mean to the degree that I would awaken in the morning and begin sobbing before I could even get out of bed. I would cry for an hour or more, and was likely clinically depressed. This happened every day for at least a year.

Eventually I got through most of the grief. I coped in a variety of ways, and eventually the heartache and even the love I had for her disappeared. Naturally I would think about her and missed her from time to time. After maybe five years had passed I had the idea to contact her, but I had no way to get in touch with her and didn’t even know where she was living. So, I tried to find her, but I couldn’t. Throughout the next two decades I would try to find her on the Internet every few years. But alas, I could never find her.

Eventually in my early forties I was able to locate her due to the advent and popularity of Facebook. When I contacted her and we began communicating, I discovered one of the most amazing and profound things: my love for her was just as huge and intense as it had been two decades prior! It had not changed or diminished one bit at all! This was quite the surprise to me. I had thought I’d let go of her, the love, and that it had faded or gone away. What I learned was that instead of those things, what actually had happened was quite different indeed and had profound impacts of which I was unaware.

What had actually occurred is that I had somehow sealed up or closed off the place in my heart, or emotional body, where my love for her was located. Thus, I wasn’t feeling that love for all those years and thought it was gone. In truth, it was basically just hidden away in a protected or sealed off place so that I wouldn’t be paralyzed and dysfunctional in life as I had been during my year of grief. This was an amazing lesson or revelation.

What I came to know and understand is this: Love itself is eternal. You might ponder that a while. With that said, I’m not talking about the form of love that may be more like infatuation–the type we feel in the very first part of relationship. Also, I’ve found there to be love that is more like energy than an emotion that is perhaps a level above and beyond human romantic love. So, that’s more what I’m talking about. In my view, this energetic and higher love certainly is what creates and composes the human romantic love form.

Therefore, from my lesson/revelation, I now think that once we love someone we always will, or at least we always can if we allow ourselves to; We may not always feel it and be aware of it, but rest assured the love is actually still there somewhere.

I also learned that it was not the love that caused the pain and grief; It was actually the attachments being stripped away that created that suffering. Or, one could say it is the loss of love–or sealing it up by basically carving out a portion of your heart–that causes the pain, suffering, and grief.

This allowed me to learn that we don’t have to stop loving in order to try to prevent suffering. Instead, we can let go of the attachments, desire for the person, and not seal off or try to cut out the place in our heart where the eternal love resides and comes from. By doing this, the love can remain, still be felt, and won’t hurt or cause suffering.

Unfortunately I didn’t know that in my youth. So, I’d actually created my own suffering and grief by how I handled the situation. Perhaps there is a general lesson there: It isn’t the thing itself that is the issue; It is how you choose to work with and deal with it.

While on the subject, if or when a relationship of yours ends, try to recall this story and apply the morals:

Wisdom and Council: Leave your heart open where your love for your partner resides; There is no reason to close it; Just let go of the attachments and desire to still be with them; It is your heart and your love; Love does not cause pain and suffering; Love is eternal and does not fade or diminish over time; You can close off parts of your heart, but that only means they will be unavailable to you to feel your own love and to extend love in your subsequent relationships–and when you do close off your heart, it is this separation from love that is the actual cause of pain, suffering, and grief.

Now let’s get back to my story. A truly magnificent thing about our reconnecting, and the second relationship that followed, is that it had re-opened this part of my heart that had been closed off for decades. It was a really big part. I’d not known I’d gone through so much of my life without it being available to me, or to any other women I’d loved and been in relationships with. So then, this was generally speaking a wonderful gift and opportunity for healing that rekindling the relationship provided.

I tell this story in part because in the next portion of this guide I will put forth the idea that one primary purpose of loving relationships is for healing. I’ve learned that not only from this relationship, but from others as well. In fact, loving or romantic relationships can be a unique and powerful tool and process for healing.

At any rate, perhaps you get some idea why returning to this love and lover was so intense and important to me. I certainly had thoughts that she was the one or perhaps my soulmate–I had thought that since I first fell so deeply in love with her. So, I naturally pursued rekindling our relationship and the love was already there in full force. With the connection we had, that didn’t prove to be difficult and it happened rather quickly and naturally.

She lived quite a long distance away, but we begin chatting on the computer, then the phone, and also did video chats. During these communications something happened. As is fairly common in relationships, one or the other of us would get upset during our exchanges. It seemed to me that most often she would get upset. Many times she would basically tell me off and shut down the chat abruptly. Sometimes should would even break up, or say it’s over, or threaten to do so. In a day or two she would seemingly get over it, but the days of waiting and not knowing were very tough on me. I was so nervous and upset that I’d once again lost her.

These events and upsets naturally left me with a lot of feelings and thoughts in response to them. It was pretty hard to handle and at times devastating because of my strong desires: To have a relationship with her; To have her like me, love me, and be enjoy our time together. I could reverse all of these and come up with a corresponding list of fears: Fear of losing the relationship; Fear she wouldn’t like me, love me, and would be unhappy with our time together.

Generally speaking, these are desires for love, intimacy, relationship and the fears related to not having or losing them. Perhaps you can ponder a few moments how you might also have these desires and fears. Next, consider the effects and impacts they have on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. How much do they play a role in the interactions and dynamics in your romantic relationship? What do you do to try to meet those desires? What do you do to try so those fears aren’t realized?

Any time she got upset with me it was cause for great concern on my part. I wanted to do whatever I could to try to ensure it didn’t happen again for all the reasons just mentioned. Often she would be telling me things I had done or said that were the cause of her getting upset. Sometimes it seemed she had a valid point and was right; Other times it seemed something else was going on and it was basically a false accusation or had no merit to it.

However, for the times it seemed she had a point, I definitely didn’t want to repeat my behavior because I knew she would get upset, I’d lose her attention and interaction, and I could feel her pull back her love. I thought that if it kept happening that eventually I’d lose her once again and I surely didn’t want that to happen. For me, the question was what the heck to do about it. What was I doing that didn’t work? What should I do instead?

So, what I did is to start to take notes. Every time she’d get upset I would do my best to figure out why. It turned out there were many causes and reasons generally–I’m not even talking about how the specific details of each situation varied. I did find that indeed there were many things that I was doing that were triggering or setting off her upsets. Each time I would identify one of these I would also come up with some alternative: a way not to do it and a different approach or thing to do instead. Often I would end up with a solution by simply reversing–or consider the opposite of–what I had done.

In general I had the attitude and approach, Well, this clearly didn’t work and caused upset and disharmony. So, I shouldn’t do this again and need to find and do something that does work. What is that and how do I do it? As you read on in this guide, you will see this is the general approach and contents included.

This collection of my notes I made was first on paper. But, apparently I was doing quite a few things that were not functional and so it grew long and messy. So, I ended up starting a word processing document on my computer to write and compile my notes, which were at first mainly what not to do and does not work. However, for most of them I did come up with the alternatives and solutions.

I would then review my notes just before I would talk to her so they were fresh in my mind and I wouldn’t make the same mistakes. Sometimes this worked and at least I didn’t make the same mistakes. At other times it seemed like a mysterious force, or lack of paying attention, would rise up and nearly compel me to repeat the dysfunctional behaviors or ways of communicating. I would get so frustrated with myself for doing what I knew better, didn’t wanted to do, and had resolved I wouldn’t do anymore. What were these habits or that force that was seemingly beyond my control? I needed to discover that part too if I was going to make real change.

I also kept discovering a nearly endless number of ways I could be a blockhead or still do something that seemed to cause her to get upset with me. Even the times I’d stop doing the things on my notes I knew not to do, I would soon discover there was some new way or reason she’d get upset.

So, I kept adding to my notes and eventually I began to get some level of overall understanding and comprehension about what was going on. I learned some of the key concepts, dynamics, categories and areas where things go smoothly and easily, as well as where and how they lead to upsets and disharmony. I saw an overall process and the dynamics of how these upsets and behaviors escalated into arguments, blow ups, or fights that basically went no where good and achieved nothing.

This is a bit of an aside, note, or brief tangent. I also drew upon a fair amount of knowledge I’d been given as part of extensive training and many workshops I attended in the LRT (Loving Relationships Training) set up by Sondra Ray, which also included emotional release breath work. I’d done this training beginning at age eighteen and continued it for several years. It provided me with basic knowledge and understanding of things like emotions generally, stored emotional trauma, and Psychology concepts such as issues, patterns, triggering, etc. Additionally, I’d studied some Psychology in college and was able to draw upon some of that. The point is that I used these in addition to my firsthand experiences, as well as thinking and evaluation of the experiences, to come up with my understandings of what didn’t work and solutions or alternatives. So, some of these LRT teachings and basic Psychology principles are also contained in this handbook.

Now I’ll return to the story. It wasn’t just her that got upset; I got upset too. But, it would usually begin with her, then I’d respond to her, usually by trying to explain why her upset wasn’t justified or that I’d not done anything wrong, and then she would respond to that by getting even more upset with me. Then, I’d get upset by what she said, or simply upset that we were having disagreement, argument, turmoil, etc. I’d get very frustrated and at times angry and sad about these escalated exchanges that seemed to go nowhere good and not get resolved. I would eventually learn many of the reasons that happened, and the reasons or causes for my own upsets as well.

Since at other times we got along wonderfully, I focused on how to deal with these times of emotional upheaval in a way that sort of diffused them and led to resolutions and the restoration of harmony. Basically I realized that the single biggest issue, problem, or obstacle for us in having a loving relationship was these times of emotional upset, arguments, etc.

If that is true, I needed to get the knowledge, understanding, and perhaps some tools and strategies to get through the upsets relatively quickly, easily, and with less struggle. I needed a way that includes more love and harmony, and also leads to them. You could say that the expression, necessity is the mother of invention applies to my situation. I needed to be able to deal with these times of emotional upheaval and heated exchanges that invariably come up if I was going to be able to maintain what I wanted so much.

I also considered that if we could somehow work stuff out and fix things with this better way to handle them, then they wouldn’t keep coming up again. I envisioned things getting better and smoother over time with the upsets and turmoil getting fewer and further between.

So, I basically came to comprehend the two over-reaching processes: The dysfunctional and disharmonious process; The functional and harmonious process. In more simple language: I learned what doesn’t work and why; I learned what does work and why. My notes and word processing file grew to about fifty pages long! But, it was still just my personal notes to self.

Naturally under these two broad processes there are many things at play, concepts and principles to understand, and parts or pieces to them. So, I’ve laid out this book generally in four parts: foundational knowledge, concepts and understandings; the dysfunctional process; the functional process; and specific and simple tools and techniques.

But alas I digress again. Let’s return to the story. In time, that relationship ended, which was fine because I think we both learned and healed. I certainly know I did both of these. I feel only deep gratitude now for the healing (re-opening) of my heart and all I learned about relationships from and with her. She was the perfect one, and perhaps only one, that could re-open that big chunk of my heart that I had sealed off. That once sealed up portion of my heart remained open even though our dance ended. It is now fully available to me and to others. That, to me, is a beautiful healing and gift. I will note that it did not end due to not being able to work through the issues and emotional upheavals that came up; it ended for other, unrelated reasons of a more pragmatic life and situational nature.

The next thing that happened in the story of this book is that my best friend and his girlfriend were having some struggles, hard times, and challenges in their relationship. Naturally as a best friend, we would often talk on the phone and he would share what was going on. I would at times pass on relevant advice or the knowledge I had acquired and put in my notes. Don’t you always try to help out your friend if you can? Sometimes he would say, "Yeah, I know that. Tell her please."

I knew her pretty well, so that was certainly possible. I would sometimes visit them and spend several days and nights because they live across the state. A few times I did talk to her on the phone. I recall her side of things was obviously a bit different, or you might say they each had different issues, challenges, or complaints. She and I would be talking about her side and stuff and I would give my council only to hear, "Yes! That’s exactly what’s going on and needs to change. Please tell him that!"

It seemed clear to me that if they could only share and talk to each other directly it could all be solved in short order. Later I would discover why that wasn’t so simple or even possible due to the dynamics, issues, and patterns going on. Suffice it to say those were resulting in an ineffective and limited communication.

At some point things got a bit intense between them and with their dynamic. It may be that the relationship itself was in jeopardy of ending. Upon their request, I went over to visit them and stayed a few days to basically play counselor and referee. I met with each of them individually at first, then we all had several discussions together. All did some good work and it sure seemed to help a great deal.

I’m happy to report that was perhaps eight years ago and they are still together and very happy. I don’t know if they’ve totally gotten though the couple of primary issues going on then or not, but I do know I don’t get phone calls from my buddy with him talking about such things. When I ask how they are doing, I get something like, We’re doing great.

Sometime not long after my visit, the girlfriend asked me to email her my notes. I cleaned them up a bit and expanded on them as I considered her reading them. After I’d sent them to her and she read them, she said, Matt, this is really great stuff and right on the money. I was a Psychology major in college and have read multiple relationship books, but what you have here is way better and more helpful than any of that. You really should make it into a book and publish it! People could really use this.

With the positive results from the in personal visit and her strong vote of confidence and urging me to write a book, I worked on expanding, transforming, and flushing out those original notes. They became the main content and backbone of this handbook you are reading.

So, that is the story of how this book came to be. It is basically that I learned the hard way what not to do by making a lot of mistakes. I learned and thought up alternatives and solutions to these after comprehending the various categories, concepts and dynamics at play. I then applied and tested them in real life in that relationship, with other couples, and then in subsequent relationships I have had. These then added more knowledge, understanding, and content.

I wrote most of this guide from 2009 thru 2012, but I laid it aside for various reasons. The past two and a half years I was very busy writing my book, Escape the Matrix and Explore Reality: A Guide to Radical Transformation and Empowerment. At just over 1,000 full size pages, it was a monumental effort. Recently I completed and self-published it. So, now I’ve picked up this guide and decided to do some editing, updating, and get it published finally. Thank you Shelley for the encouragement to write it!

My hope and intent is that this book contains knowledge, understanding, strategies, and tools that couples can use to get through those very challenging times of emotional upheaval. I think the content is based upon real life, firsthand experiences and is fairly well field tested. In other words, I think it is true, pragmatic, and will be functional and work for you and your partner. I hope you find some things in here that will help you and your relationship–that you will be like my friends that I can offer what help and service I can.

Purposes and Nature of Relationships

We all know the basic and obvious purposes for loving relationships are to be able to give and receive love, friendship, companionship, intimacy, and perhaps children and family. These seem obvious and also appear to be the primary reasons that we seek out loving relationships. However, there are other less obvious purposes you may or may not be aware of—or perhaps just don’t think about and remember very often. These other purpose may actually be even more primary and important in a larger sense than the obvious ones are.

For example, another purpose of loving relationships is to have the opportunity to heal issues within ourselves that we have taken on through our childhood and life experiences–including and especially past romantic relationships. You can recall from my story how I healed my own heart.

Another purpose is to grow and transform ourselves as individuals by using the love and dynamics of the relationship. Another is to serve the other by giving them the same. We can also serve by helping our partner in numerous ways as well as support them during challenging times.

We might consider there is a purpose of us serving as a teacher to our partner. Of course they can be our teacher as well and we are then the student. We are both teacher and student and so are they. This then implies another purpose: learning. I’ve certainly learned a great deal from every single one of my partners, and from the relationship itself. You can recall from my story those things I learned about love, suffering, and keeping your heart open. But, there are an endless number of things we can learn.

Therefore, in addition to the general and well-known purposes, we also have these purposes for a romantic relationship: healing, growth, transformation, service, help, support, teaching, and learning. There are likely more than these.

Key Concept: Close loving relationships provide an opportunity for healing and growth that is perhaps the best and most powerful one available. This is true for several reasons: The transformative nature and power of love itself; The amount of time spent together and attention devoted to each other; The deep intimacy, concern, compassion and caring; The deep trust; The level of bonding, devotion, or commitment; Teamwork and partnership.

All of these things are usually much more intense than in other types of relationship; This intensity and depth has the effect of bring a powerful force into play which then extends into and empowers all of the purposes we have mentioned. Some of the aspects and qualities of the romantic loving relationship don’t even exists in other forms and types of relationships. The bottom line is that loving relationships can deliver a powerful punch and have enormous benefits.

In actual practice, many people are not able to achieve the more obvious purposes of the loving relationship because they become caught in a quagmire of dysfunction in attempting to work through the healing and growth aspects. In short, the shit hits the fan and doesn’t get worked through. After a time, the shit is so smelly that the relationship is no longer one of love, intimacy, harmony, and happiness.

Relationships can disintegrate for many reasons, but the general feelings in the end are ones like these: It can become toxic or more harmful than good; It is just not enjoyable or rewarding enough to be worthwhile; It becomes too much work, effort and struggle, but not enough fun, joy, ease and harmony; There’s a collection of judgments and negative experiences that result in a change of mind from I love this person and want to be with them to I don’t love them anymore and don’t want to be with them.–too much muddy water under the bridge.

When the relationships either deteriorate significantly, or completely dissolve, neither the obvious purposes nor the other purposes I mentioned can be fulfilled. In fact, even when they aren’t functioning well and harmoniously, those purposes and benefits are impacted and start diminishing or even disappearing.

The bottom line is we aren’t getting what we bargained for, hoped for, and paid for. By paid for I mean by trusting, opening our hearts, giving time and attention, the hard effort and work, and dealing with all of the stuff that a relationship seems to require.

This leads to the conclusion that if we do want to get what we bargained for and to reap the benefits of the purposes of a romantic relationship, then we need to do three primary things: Eliminate what would make them dysfunctional and deteriorate into disharmony; Find ways to make and keep them functional and harmonious; Have them not disintegrate, end, or perhaps to endure for as long as is appropriate.

And so, it appears that we must learn to work through the stuff that comes up and get through that well in order to then be able to harvest the fruits of the relationship that we thought were the real purpose or the obvious ones. We also need to do the same for that long list of less obvious purposes, which may actually be rather important and primary reasons of which we are usually unaware. Learning how to work through the stuff in order to harvest the fruit is the intent and purpose of this handbook.

Key Concept: Less obvious, but a very important purposes of relationships are that they provide us powerful opportunities to teach, learn, grow, heal, transform, and improve our selves. They provide those same powerful opportunities to our partners. This can also apply to other relationships such as family, friends, associates, peers, co-workers, etc. but these are typically less powerful and dynamic in nature. However, we cannot fully reap the rewards and fruits of these purposes unless we are capable of working through the stuff that comes up in a relationship that diminishes them or eventually brings the relationship to an end.

If we can see that these other purposes are actually all tied into why we have relationships, then we can become aware of a somewhat startling revelation: That stuff coming up is actually All good because is a part of the process that will lead to fulfilling these other purposes.

What I mean is that things like healing and growth are not always comfortable or easy; They often involve dealing with past traumas or issues; These will come up in relationship for a number of reasons we will discuss. So, even when these come up, and they don’t usually look or feel pleasant and wonderful, if we can see that they are related to fulfilling the purposes of growth and healing then we can actually see them as good and positive. I will expound and explain this more, but it is a key concept and principle of this guide that I wanted to introduce early on because it relates to the purpose and dynamics of relationship. It is part of what creates a bigger picture or context from which we can comprehend a great many things and work with them more effectively.

Simply put: Stuff comes up in relationships, and we have to deal with the shit. We can see this stuff or shit as a pain in the butt, hassles, annoyance, and a negative thing to have to deal with. That is one view and choice. However, we don’t have to see it that way and have a rather poor attitude about it. We can instead choose to see the positive opportunities those dynamics provide such as healing, growth, transformation, and learning. Boy, wouldn’t that change our attitude and even what going through the stuff would be like?

So, seeing the stuff and upheavals that comes up as actually being a good thing that is part of what fulfills other relationship purposes is an understanding that will change your attitude about it. With a positive attitude about them, they are approached and dealt with completely differently. This then empowers them to do and serve what they are supposed to do. This is as opposed to being annoyances, roadblocks, or being added to a collection of things that eventually becomes too much water under the bridge that severely compromises or even disintegrates the relationship.

Key Concept: We can choose to see the apparently negative stuff and problems in relationship as actually positive opportunities and therefore have a positive attitude and know that its all good and perfect. This stuff coming up is actually a key part of initiating growth and healing. It is the beginning of a process. If both partners have this knowledge, view, and positive attitude, then things will be much easier and the benefits reaped. What is normally viewed by couples as negative blow-ups, arguments, disagreements and fighting can actually be turned into something very positive. Changing your attitude and approach to these occurrences can actually change the experiences and their nature–this concept applies to anything in life as well. It has been said that attitude is the most powerful magic word there is. On the other hand, when they are only viewed as negative and non-productive, it halts the growth and healing process and the benefits and fruits of those purposes are never reaped. So, see the stuff as good. Know that it is all good and all serves.

Don’t worry about it if you can’t quite draw the connection there and understand how even the ugly and unpleasant stuff can be good. It can be a challenge at first to wrap you mind around the idea that arguments, disagreements, blow-ups, emotional upsets, and even fights are actually good and constructive. It will become clearer as you read on and I think you be able to conceive how it can be true. Also, I’ll refer to this key concept again on multiple occasions as various topics reveal it to be true.

Also, don’t forget to re-read this handbook. It will take time to sink in and learning always involves repetition. It will become even clearer on a second reading once you’ve had time to practice using it. Also, the other concepts and understandings further on will help you understand this key concept. Thus, when you reread the book you will understand this part better with those already in mind.

Also, rereading the bolded statements several times after that is a good idea. It will be a quick refresher to keep the Key concepts and Nip-it Tips upper-most in your mind since you will already know the fuller explanations and details. This is sort of like how I said in my story that I would read my notes to refresh my memory before talking or interacting with her.

I would be remiss if I did not mention what I believe to be the very highest purpose of a loving relationship to be. If you think about all that it takes to have a harmonious, joyful, happy and fulfilling loving relationship you will see that it takes a lot. It takes a lot of learning and growing. We have to learn about all the emotions and how to handle them appropriately. We have to learn to balance our needs with the needs of others. We learn about selfishness vs. selflessness. We learn about balance between giving and receiving. We have to learn about all the positive virtues such as charity, kindness, sensitivity, humility, compassion, empathy, understanding, patience, tolerance, etc. We have to rid ourselves of our issues, resolve and end our patterns of dysfunctional behavior, conquer judgment/condemnation and fear, and our more negative character traits and dysfunctional personality components. That’s a lot. What would you be like if you did all that? Looking at all that we can discover the highest purpose of all for a loving relationship:

If you look deeply into what all it takes to truly master a loving relationship, you will find that it involves mastering everything in life itself: Mastering all the lessons of life and moving to a place of self-actualization through self-improvement and self-empowerment. We must learn it all and demonstrate we have learned it all by doing it in practice. Not only is this the grand purpose for ourselves, but we also offer our partner the opportunity to do the same along with us–we become a team working together towards healing, growth, self mastery and learning all the lessons of life. This is an incredible purpose and function–perhaps the highest of all possible purposes of relationships. We may not achieve its end and totally master it, but any progress we make is surely its own reward at a profound level that is transcendental of the mundane. The better we are able to master the lessons of life and demonstrate them with a partner, the more functional, loving, intimate, and ultimately rewarding our loving relationships will be. The quality and level of harmony and love in your relationships are a mirror–they reflect to us precisely where we are at on the rungs of the ladder of healing, clarity, harmony, and self-actualization. It is also a mirror of where our partner is at as well.

Yes, we can pursue self-mastery and learn the lessons of life in any area or avenue we choose. We don’t need a romantic relationship to pursue and learn such things. We can learn through work, friends, family, sports, hobbies, or nearly anything in which we engage ourselves. They all provide a path or way to learn, grow, and evolve our selves to the point of mastery. Certainly there are many practices and modalities for various types of healing and growth. In truth, all of these things provide opportunities for growth and we learn the lessons of life from a wide variety of sources and endeavors.

But loving relationships have a way of motivating and forcing us to work with things that we may otherwise not get done if we are not in them. We will do a lot for love, for sex, for intimacy, and for companionship. We have very primal and powerful drives to maximize pleasure and to minimize pain; These can actually serve us well in a romantic relationship. Also, our partners tend to push us and focus our attention on certain things–this is a valuable service they provide. If we don’t learn and grow and take care of what needs change and evolution, relationships have a way of ending due to the dysfunction and lack of harmony created by not changing. Therefore, we are strongly motivated along our path in order to maintain all of the good things that loving relationships have to offer. Most of these motivations relate back to the desires I mentioned in my opening story and also to the corresponding fears. The beauty is this:

Healing, growth, and learning the lessons of life and achieving self-mastery through the avenue of a loving relationship is perhaps the most complete, powerful, motivating, challenging, and rewarding way to do so. Even some number and length of loving relationships contribute to these pursuits and achievements–they all contribute something and often may fill in the gaps that we didn’t complete on our own or via other endeavors and experiences.

And so, now we’ve at least looked at some other, less obvious, purposes for loving relationships. I’ve also shared my thought or idea that there may even be a very huge and grand purpose for them that is nothing short of incredible. I don’t think that grand purpose would come to mind for most people as a purpose of a loving relationship. At times, I’ve considered that all of the primary and common purposes may actually all be sort of a setup or trick to lure us into a relationship, but that the real and only true purposes are the healing, grown, and self-mastery or self-actualization benefits to each person. Even if that does not happen to be true, I think this is true:

This handbook will be particularly beneficial and valuable because it will likely help you increase the functionality and harmony of your relationship. Due to this increase, you will get the fruit, pay off, and benefits of every purpose of a relationship in more abundance than you otherwise would.

Even if you don’t see or agree with this grand purpose, that makes no difference. On the one hand, if the grand purpose is actually true, then it will occur to some degree regardless of you knowing, agreeing with, or paying attention to it. On the other hand, if untrue, it doesn’t matter in terms of this handbook or applying the things in it to your relationship because that is not the focus or topic–I just wanted to mention it and throw out the idea. Let’s move on now to discuss some very basic things about relationships and the common dynamics.

Relationship Basics and Dynamics

You are likely familiar with the basics of a loving relationship and the common dynamics that occur between partners. So, I want to just give an overview and mention a few things that are related to the contents herein. Also, I want to introduce a key concept early on that generally serves as the basis and over-reaching principle of this guide. It provides a way to see and understand most all of it.

One way to think about the basics