The Jamaican Ninja Bert!!

By Richie Drenz

When Portia Simpson implemented tax on patty, it mad Dr. Bert Kemp, a psychiatrist. He then became a fat ninja, hell bent on murdering Portia Simpson’s head-crown, so every patty can be tax-free. His wife, Marjorie, decides to take care of her mentally-touched husband and hopes she has the strength to stick by him for better or worse. But as she unbearably loses everything and everyone because of Bert’s insanity, she crumbles, thinking she’s holding on to dead hope for her husband to regain his sanity, but will it ever happen? Scorned by her friends and family for living with a madman her only listening ear is the handsome, thick-bodied Dr. Arnold who wants her for himself. Bert grows jealous and goes to utterly unsound measures to keep his wife’s love but instead, is pushing her away. The ultimate question then is, “Will Bert ever get to take off the Right Honourable Portia Simpson’s head-crown?”

EXCERPT 1

Marj looked at him and the wrinkles straightened out her face. “See how mi smart? You nuh see how fast mi mek you reach yah?” Bert asked, “You lucky you come quick though enuh, a light mi did gone light the gas cylinder and mi couldn’t find the matches, you think you coulda out it in time if mi did get fi put mi hand pon the matches? You stay deh, you woulda blow till you weak you couldn’t put out that deh big fire deh mi woulda set the house pon. A woulda bun dung the whole a in yah then claim insurance.”
She threw her hand up and slapped her forehead harder than she intended to. She wanted to be angry, but when she looked in his eyes she breathed out some of the fire out her chest and shook her head. Her voice lowered,
“Bert, that’s a boxing ring Hun, I can’t wear that.”
She repeated her mantra, “For better or for worse Lord, for better or for worse.”

EXCERPT 2
Six and a half hours later, Marj came in the evening and was greeted by the Vybz Kartel, he was blasting in the house, ‘Cock it up pon the Dumper Truck’. Her ears hurt. But what was more alarming to her senses was a smell. She was smelling heat, stale heat like an iron left in fire. Something was burning. She charged into her living room. Bert still had the curling iron plugged in, until it was dangerously hot and red.
“What are you doing Bert?!”
Bert was reclined on his back in the sofa, he offhandedly answered,
“Clearlyyyy,” he dragged on the word ‘clearly’ for emphasis, because she must have been blind not to recognize what he was doing, “what I’m trying to do here Marj. I’m trying to master level seven of Ninja’s Thermatology, where my eyes can absorb the direct heat from the hot curling iron. Alsooo, . . . mi can absorb the heat wid the inside a mi bottom lip. Ain’t that obvious?”

EXCERPT 3
Bert totally oblivious to the hill and gully in his chest that Clivey was talking about, Bert indifferently said,
“A suh mi chest stay. Mi a get thick from morning. No pills.”
“No Bert, mi know a nuh suh it stay. Mi know a sponge under deh fi buff up your chest. Mi a nuh idiot.”
Bert slammed down his fart tonic on the bench and said,
“You chat too much. A mi chest. A mi so-so chest.”
“A nuh your chest. Lift up your blouse mek mi see if a so-so chest under deh.”
Same time Clivey spotted the piece of sponge shifted up at the neck of his blouse. It was obvious now. A piece a sponge Bert have underneath deh. Bert replied,
“Weh mi a tell lie fa!” He kissed his teeth and blatantly said, “God kill mi right yahso ten time if mi a tell lie.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Richie Drenz
• Release date: Oct 19, 2014
• ISBN: 9789769536579

Richie Drenz

Richie Drenz aka "Da Silly Wabbit" is a Fashion Entrepreneur from Portmore Jamaica. He owns an urban fashion line called DRENZ FASHION and discovered writing through sharing bits of his life on the place he spends most of his time, facebook. He has no kids and loves the color red. The first story he wrote was a true life story, a memoir, titled CLIMAXES, which started from facebook and became an internet craze with supporters saying he need to do the book, and so he did. Check me out on facebook and read excerpts of my stories on my blog. See ya!

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Acknowledgements

Since yet and still, I still don’t have a son, I do have a Dad, Micol Campbell, with quite a humor. I think I took the funny genes from him. I remember in 1993 when I exploded his car and he made fun of the tyres. Everybody needs a Dad like that who no matter what, loves explosions.

As usual special thanks to my editor, Roxanne Wright and her superpowers. Thank you for understanding that this book is what inside of my head looks like. I thank you tremendously Roxie!

My Mom, Bevolyn Smith this one is for you too. Finally I wrote a book you can read. Yes Mom, it’s not only sex in my head. Love you endlessly. Omeil Hutchinson, Lisa-Kay Campbell, Tashari DaSilva, Esther Rowe, Meme Williams, Jason Williams and Patrick ‘Pajujah’ Anderson have all been my spine and support in major ways with this project. I know I annoy you guys too, so get ready for book three. I promise I will be no less annoying. Thank you so much.

Kerstie Carver & Jodian Drenz Goffe, you know without a doubt, you are two of my biggest fans; your tattoos of me says it all Big ups straight! I hope I will continue to inspire you in all that I do. Beverley ‘Kaye’ Cole, Bonne Vie, Keisha Banton, Sheree Warner, Karma Moonfire, Melissa Drenz Meliboo Williams, Melissa Teddybear Drenz Manning, Candy Mac, Tanya Seymour, Tania Baker, Chivelle Drenz Hines, Sasha Drenz, Shay Drenzii Diamond, Candice Banton, Samantha Bryant, Nicola Shorter, Alethia Gooden, Sash Drenz Dawkins, Sasha Morgan, Jai Drenz Keiko, Fonce Drenz, Shanice Steve, Ashoikie Saunders, Terry Jackson, Danique Brown, Stacyann Taylor, Carla McLaughlin, Mellie Drenz, Rosa Wood, Brigette Hudson, Alisa ‘Prim’ Sato, Bri-Bri- Anderson, Jacqueline Jackson, Truestar Barriffe, Kaymoy Drenz Johnson, Yenshae Morgan, Donna Worlashape James, Biggy Drewsland, Ty Allwood, Pia ‘Shorty’ Drenz, Jamie-Lee Richards, Shanae Brooks, Debbie Goodas, Sophisticat ‘Dancehallbiz.co.uk, Franz ‘I am a Jamaican.com’ Hoilett, Dre1alliance.com, Shev Morgan, Candice Williams, Kareen Johnson-Shirley, Ishanna Nunez, Tarcian Smith, Tru Sheba, Mesha Dale, Jheneal Black, Amoy Miller, Ronae White, Drenz Dee, Brenda Lee Moulton you all have a special place in my heart, all have been supportive in some way in whatever I do and for that I want to thank you highly.

Shout out to some of the top Drenzers. Some of these names are funny because it’s their Facebook names, but oh well … in no specific order:

Shaniece Wenoy Conie, Ras Tania Drenz, Venisha Williams, Aline Ko, Lia Dimepiece, Shannon Reid, Sammi Skittlezz Henry, Melissa Roye, Jamaican Bakergurl Flamez, Diana Newgirl Divine, Slim Baker, Carlton Whyte, Junior Collins, Mishyboo Mhm Lee, Kenesha Sexc Gadiare, NeishaFabulous Young, Monumental Drenz Barbie, Tracey Drenz Beckford, Marsha Dennis-Jack, Yecart Ramaj Snilloc, Oneil Pink, Breezy Thompson, Dionetta Johnson, La’Than Coleman, Gemini Neil, Divabbz Gordon Drenz, LadyWaxx Rookwood, Nicky Dias, Mandy Le Flock, Ali Boo, Annmarie Brown, Kadian Facey, Kranberi Williams, Dejah Beckles, Dianne Andlovingit, Shanice Chronic Sasha, Bonita Sonrisa, Renzii Hibbert, Antoinette Rochester, Christine Columbus, Karamel Johnson, Shanny Shan Pitter, Yaneka Artwell, Christal Smith, Felicity Fortis, Renee Harrison, Chiney Kaye, Kristen Powell, Cleopatra Isaac, Chrishelle Rose-Green, Kenese Richards, Q-Taz Guthrie, Nesha Slim, Cavvy-Ch Drenz, Trudyboo DrenzRock, Tanisha K. Wright, Gemini Martina Parris, Susie Stewart-Branch, Queenie Hunt, Sachail Drenz Toookute, Tashaa Rodrigues, Shana Lee Cummings, Kemo Harley, Susie Stewart-Branch, Tracyann Everbless, Vicky Senior, Karen Kelly, Karen Risner, Samantha Stuart, Kelly Hanson, Tashema Forth, Lesi Cole, Lisa Phillips, Erica Malcolm, Kadian Samuels, Janine Foster, Baby Shash Whyte, Shauna-Lee Gouldbourne, Sancii Cuteface, Sherry Berry Henry, Angie Drenz Jen, Nandee-Ranae Backford, Marsha Lewis, Izzie reid, Andrea Mitchell, Neishy Nesh, Paula Love, Rashida Ramsee, Sarneik Barnes, Kaydeen McKenzie, Lorraine Drenz Campbell, Shauna Thomas, Kay-Kay Versatile, Tinesha Bowyer, Danalee Dunn, Salima Rebelz Mohamed, Pinky Bristish, Marsha Nelly, Marsha Nelson, Latoya Prettystyle, Melisa Darby, Lovely Jillian, Shanice Ramsay, Miz Empress Murphy, Chanty Summer, Valene Sewell, Angel Sosiq Drenz, Kaii-Kaii Dowie, Annmarie Dacres, Laurie Sanford, Grace Drenz-Zoel, Nesha Faboulous Young, Lattie Toya –Toyz, Channette Dell-Anderson,SaiChi Drenz Kafka, Heather Esson, Nicarla Baby-Drenz Baxter, Netts Diamond Ekralc, Tokayan Graham, Ro Ma, Excellent Tameka, Shannel Johnson, Zonya Simpson-Drenz, Zanika Davis, Alexis Vis, Latoya Lyn, Jaqueline Johnson, Kemii Allen, Kadian Smith, Jamie-Lee Taylor, Jasmin Tomlinson, LisaDiva Phillips, Kayd Forbes, Nicky Dias, Jamet Gilzean, Flav Rasstar Ramsey, Cody Gallimore, Paula Hudson Stewart, Jenel Daisy, Shawna Gayle, Kadian Samuels, Kaykay Versatile, Shaneka Warren, Sugar Bear, Shaniel Anderson, Judy Jillian Bartley, Nadia Macombè, Shaktianna Drenz Chica, Brithaney Logan, Dadrian Drenz Lyons, Karen Bucknor, Jade Drenz Dean, Andrea Morris, Callmia Yaadie, Shanikia Bartley, Dia Jhovanna, Kemone Stoner, Shawna-Lee Smith, Kadian Cohen, Sherece Drenz Reid, Venice Dacres, Eunice Mandison, Mango Pilot, Shakira McLean,CallMia Yaadie, Sammy Wright, Davina Ebanks-Russell, Judine Goodasfidem, EmpressKarima Gibson and bad girls Kooli Badu and Shelly-Simone TooImpulsive.

OTHER BOOKS BY RICHIE DRENZ

The Heart of Revenge

Also available on this website

The Heart of Revenge 2

Also available on this website

Climaxes

Also available on this website

.

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ABOUT THIS BOOK

To make people smile through words is a blessing, which I do not have. To make people bust out a laugh is a special superpower. I have that, no lies. No wait, before you begin to criticize and say no one has superpowers and superpowers ain’t real. Let me say again, I can bust your belly with this book. Mi naaw laugh. Don’t test me, I’m seriously funny like that. I’ll let you split your belly by chapter ten. Wet your pants by chapter fifteen, and so on and so forth, you get the picture of the danger?

My best advice to you is that if you love your belly and all of what’s inside it and don’t want it to split open with laughter then do not buy this book!

This is not a book by the way. Its actually a medicine, an anti-depressant in down times and a fun ride in high times, bring it anywhere and everywhere with you, open it, dip in and take out a laugh anytime you need it. Laughter is still a great anti-depressant. You are guaranteed to laugh each and everytime you take up this book and read from any page. Whatever bad mood you are in, sad, angry, stressed, worried or frustrated this book right here is your perfect escape.

The Jamaican Ninja BERT is just a funny character with the right amount of fatness mixed with flexibility to make you smile until your gums are exposed in its entirety. This book is best described as the book crammed with happiness inside it. A perfect gift to yourself, or for a friend or family or pet. Have fun, laugh at life, laugh at Bert, enjoy the madness

EXCERPT 1

Marj looked at him and the wrinkles straightened out her face. See how mi smart? You nuh see how fast mi mek you reach yah? Bert asked, You lucky you come quick though enuh, a light mi did gone light the gas cylinder and mi couldn’t find the matches, you think you coulda out it in time if mi did get fi put mi hand pon the matches? You stay deh, you woulda blow till you weak you couldn’t put out that deh big fire deh mi woulda set the house pon. A woulda bun dung the whole a in yah then claim insurance.

She threw her hand up and slapped her forehead harder than she intended to. She wanted to be angry, but when she looked in his eyes she breathed out some of the fire out her chest and shook her head. Her voice lowered,

Bert, that’s a boxing ring Hun, I can’t wear that.

She repeated her mantra, For better or for worse Lord, for better or for worse.

EXCERPT 2

Six and a half hours later, Marj came in the evening and was greeted by the Vybz Kartel, he was blasting in the house, ‘Cock it up pon the Dumper Truck’. Her ears hurt. But what was more alarming to her senses was a smell. She was smelling heat, stale heat like an iron left in fire. Something was burning. She charged into her living room. Bert still had the curling iron plugged in, until it was dangerously hot and red.

What are you doing Bert?!

Bert was reclined on his back in the sofa, he offhandedly answered,

Clearlyyyy, he dragged on the word ‘clearly’ for emphasis, because she must have been blind not to recognize what he was doing, what I’m trying to do here Marj. I’m trying to master level seven of Ninja’s Thermatology, where my eyes can absorb the direct heat from the hot curling iron. Alsooo, . . . mi can absorb the heat wid the inside a mi bottom lip. Ain’t that obvious?

EXCERPT 3

Bert totally oblivious to the hill and gully in his chest that Clivey was talking about, Bert indifferently said,

A suh mi chest stay. Mi a get thick from morning. No pills.

No Bert, mi know a nuh suh it stay. Mi know a sponge under deh fi buff up your chest. Mi a nuh idiot.

Bert slammed down his fart tonic on the bench and said,

You chat too much. A mi chest. A mi so-so chest.

A nuh your chest. Lift up your blouse mek mi see if a so-so chest under deh.

Same time Clivey spotted the piece of sponge shifted up at the neck of his blouse. It was obvious now. A piece a sponge Bert have underneath deh. Bert replied,

Weh mi a tell lie fa! He kissed his teeth and blatantly said, "God kill mi right yahso ten time if mi a tell lie.

CHAPTER 1

1/

THERAPY

Because you’re my office attendant, not my wife.

Orange freckled face, Clive McFly, wrapped his extra long fingers in a fist and melodically rapa-pam-pam his shine bony knuckles on the door to the psychiatrist’s office. The preppy-dressed secretary in a pink cardigan sweater, Nancy, buzzed the glass door to let him in. As usual he wore his Miami Vice shirt buttoned at the neck and flying open at the bottom, a binoculars around his long slender neck and his cowboy hat over is orange hair with the colourful peacock feather to the side.

The secretary greeted him.

Good morning Mr. McFly. You’re extra early again.

Clive was big on Christianity, so he answered the secretary not saying good morning but simply said,

Jesus loves you. On Christ the solid rock I stand.

Jesus loves you too Clive. Hold a sec let me inform the psychiatrist that you’re here for your session. She picked up the telephone and cocked her head to the side with the receiver by her left ear.

In the meantime,