Deception's Bastard

By Rebecca E. Dalmeida

Ryan West was a mistake to begin with, conceived by deception and unwanted at birth. But the evil in him was a seed that sprouted early and grew strong. There was no right or wrong—there was only what Ryan wanted. And when he decided he wanted pediatric surgeon Rachel Deposito, he vowed that nothing and no one would get in his way.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 20, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543932157

Book preview

33

Chapter 1

Ryan West was only five years old when he started honing his predatory skills. He was supposed to be asleep, but the faint screams drifting up the stairwell from the television in the living room tugged on Ryan’s imagination and propelled him ever so quietly down the stairs. His father was watching a murder mystery movie and had no idea Ryan was standing in the shadows just out of sight, fascinated by the slashing of a young woman’s belly by her attacker.

That looks like fun, he thought as he crept back to bed when the scene ended and started to plan his new adventure.

Stealing a knife was easier than he had thought it would be. His mother had been cutting up vegetables the next afternoon and was called away from the kitchen by the neighbor knocking on the front door. Ryan seized his opportunity and quickly hid the knife in his toy box before his mother returned to the kitchen. The next morning just before lunch, Ryan went into the backyard in search of a victim. The usual bugs and worms wouldn’t do. He wanted a stray cat or a small dog, but none was around. Then over by the fountain, a large frog had the misfortune to move. Ryan saw him out of the corner of his eye. He reached out to grab him, but the frog was too fast and jumped out of his hands onto the patio. Ryan stood staring at the frog for several minutes, then quietly took off his shoe and hurled it at the frog’s head, stunning it for just a moment. The advantage was now his.

Gotcha, he said smirking, grabbing the frog by its legs and bashing its head onto the pavement. The frog went limp and Ryan smiled. Now, let’s see what’s inside you froggie, Ryan said pulling the knife out of the makeshift sheath tucked into the waistband of his shorts under his t-shirt. Ryan felt a wave of pleasure pulse through his body as he sunk the knife into the frog’s soft belly, releasing its contents before his eyes. But before he could feel the slippery contents in his hands, he was interrupted by the sound of his mother, Sarah, calling him for lunch.

Shit, he said annoyed at the interruption. He slid the knife back into its sheath and pushed the frog under a nearby bush just as his mother came out the kitchen door.

Ryan, what are you doing? his mother asked.

Oh nothing, he replied. Just looking for bugs, he said standing up and allowing his mother to brush the dirt from his knees.

Time for lunch, she said nudging him in the direction of the kitchen.

Is it my favorite macaroni and cheese? Ryan asked smiling sweetly up at his mother. Sarah just smiled and shook her head yes.

The next morning Sarah sat at the kitchen table, stirring her tea absentmindedly, staring off into the distance out the kitchen window, not noticing her neighbor Ann entering through the kitchen door. Sarah, what’s going on? You look troubled, Ann asked. Sarah stopped mid-stir, pulled out her spoon, and laid it on the table.

It’s Ryan, she said.

So what has he done this time? Ann asked taking a sip of the coffee she had brought with her.

Hard to say but something just isn’t right. After John and I told him I was pregnant, he became very distant and withdrawn. Then after Michelle was born, I overheard him on more than one occasion ranting at his toys and found several destroyed, Sarah said with a worried look on her face.

He’s probably just acting out due to sibling rivalry. He was an only child for the past five years and you two really doted on him, so this is a big adjustment for him, Ann said taking another sip of her coffee.

But that’s not the worst of it. I have found him repeatedly in Michelle’s room staring at her when she is sleeping.

That’s not so unusual, so why does that worry you? Ann asked.

If you saw the look on his face you would understand. I have never seen such cold hatred on any child’s face before. It creeps me out, Sarah answered.

But he’s only five. I think you are overreacting and reading jealousy for hatred. You don’t think he would hurt her, do you?

I didn’t used to think so, but after what happened yesterday I am not so sure, Sarah answered.

What are you talking about? Ann asked.

I had his lunch ready and when he didn’t answer I went looking for him. I finally found him in the backyard and he was hiding something in the bushes as I came through the door. After I had him come into the house, I went back out to see what he was hiding and found a mutilated frog. His head was crushed and his belly was slit open. Ann looked shocked.

Any chance he just found it that way?

No, and when I asked him about it, he looked me straight in the eyes and said that he would never hurt anything.

And you don’t believe him, Ann stated rather than asked.

No.

Where’d he get a knife?

That’s a good question. I usually have them put away where he can’t reach them, but yesterday when you came over I had just finished chopping some vegetables, and I must have left the paring knife on the counter. I didn’t realize it was gone until today when I needed the knife to cut up a banana for his cereal.

And you think he took it?

He must have, but when I found the frog I didn’t actually find the knife. I’m still looking for it. Sarah picked up her cup and put it down without taking a sip.

Do you think there is something wrong with him, you know like emotionally or genetically?

I don’t know. Before I got pregnant I would have said no, but now? Sarah said shrugging her shoulders and taking a sip of her tea. I just wish I knew more about his parents.

Was there something wrong with his parents? Ann asked.

That’s the thing, I really don’t know. All I know is Ryan’s mother was an unwed teenager, and he was born at County Hospital. I really don’t know anything else about her or the biological father.

Well, before you go jumping to conclusions, I think you need to do some reading about sibling rivalry and young boys’ reactions to change. I suspect you are just seeing a phase he is going through, and he will be back to himself in a few months. Little boys do this sort of thing and they can get very jealous of a new baby.

I guess.

And if his actions keep worrying you, then ask your pediatrician to recommend someone to help him.

You are probably right, and I’m just making a mountain out of a molehill. I’m just so exhausted these days, Sarah said.

And no wonder. A newborn, especially a preemie, is a lot of work. Maybe I need to give you a little downtime this afternoon. I can watch the kids while you take a nap and I’ll bet all this will look a lot better after you’re rested. Now shoo. Go lie down, Ann said nudging Sarah in the direction of her bedroom.

The next day Sarah decided to take Ann’s suggestion and made a trip to the local library. She started reading every book she could find on sibling rivalry and how young boys react to change. It seemed the key to improving his behavior was to spend more time with Ryan, which was in short supply. Ryan’s father, John, worked as a manager at a large casino and was rarely home when Ryan was awake, even on the weekends. So the task fell to Sarah. She resolved to try to read to Ryan every night before bed and involve him more in Michelle’s care if he showed any interest.

It had been several weeks since the frog incident, and Christmas was only a few months away. Ryan had been on his best behavior and looking forward to all the usual Christmas activities. In prior years, Ryan had asked for jobs he could do to show Santa he was a good boy and earn more of the toys on his extensive list, so Sarah was not surprised by his new requests. But Ryan’s motives ran deeper and darker than Sarah knew.

Mommy, he asked, can I feed baby Michelle?

Sure, you can hold her bottle for her, Sarah answered.

I wonder if I drop her, her head will crush like the frog’s, Ryan thought suppressing a smile.

Can’t I hold her too? I’ll be real careful, Ryan lied in his sweetest voice. Sarah was touched by the offer, but was still too unsure of Ryan to trust him.

No, honey. You’re still a little too young to be doing that.

Shit, was all he thought as he hid his anger and his disappointment. After Michelle was fed, Sarah began to fill the kitchen sink for Michelle’s bath. Ryan noticed her testing the water temperature.

What are you doing? he asked.

Testing the water temperature to make sure it is not too hot. I do this for your baths too, but you are usually too busy getting ready for your bath to notice.

Oh, he said. If the water is too hot will it cook her? he asked trying to look concerned.

No, but it could burn her really badly. Babies have very sensitive skin.

Would she die? Ryan asked hopeful.

It’s possible if the burns are bad enough, Sarah answered trying to dismiss the concern starting to form in her mind.

Ryan took only a moment to fantasize about what a burned baby would look like, picturing skin melting like candle wax. Hmm, he thought. I wonder how hot the water has to be to work.

Sarah turned off the water filling the sink after only a few inches were present and lifted baby Michelle into her bath.

Mommy, how come you put so little water in the sink? You usually fill the tub up a lot more for me, he asked.

You are a big boy and you can sit up by yourself in the tub. Baby Michelle can’t do that, so I have to have her lie down in the water. Ryan watched his mother start to bathe his sister, being careful to keep her head out of the water.

Mommy, why do you keep her head out of the water? I put mine under and it is ok.

You are a big boy and can even swim. Michelle can’t.

Would she die? Ryan asked for a second time.

Only if she was under the water for a long time, Sarah answered with the growing concern showing on her face, a look that did not go unnoticed by Ryan. He wanted to find out more about how long it took to drown something, but decided it was something he should not ask about but should instead find out first hand. And anyway, it was not likely his mother would ever leave the baby alone during her bath long enough for him to do anything fun to her.

As Christmas approached, Ryan looked forward to all the seasonal activities he and his mother traditionally did. But this year there was baby Michelle, and as the weather got colder, Michelle got sick and started having problems breathing. Sarah had to take her to the doctor frequently and give her breathing treatments every four hours. With the additional care Michelle needed, there was little time for Sarah and Ryan to do much of anything together much less the extra Christmas activities.

Peeking around the corner of the nursery, he asked, Mommy can we go see Santa?

Without turning Sarah answered, Not right now, honey. Michelle is still sick and can’t go out of the house.

Can Daddy take me? Ryan asked.

I am sure he would love to, honey, but this time of year the casino has a lot of parties and he is very busy. Sarah did not see the hate in Ryan’s eyes as he turned and headed for his bedroom.

I don’t care what stupid Michelle needs. I need to see Santa and it is her fault I can’t. I hate her, Ryan growled under his breath, punching the nearest stuffed toy. Ryan was anything if not persistent. He was not willing to give up all the Christmas fun, so later that afternoon when Michelle was asleep he tried again. Mommy, can we bake cookies. I love cookies and so does Daddy. He is working so hard, I think he needs some, don’t you? Sarah looked at his expectant face and felt a pang of guilt when she had to say no. Honey, I have to take Michelle to the doctor in an hour, so I don’t think we can make some today. How about I buy some on the way back home? Sarah asked hoping to appease him.

Not the same, Ryan said stomping off to the backyard. Picking up a stick and jabbing it into the ground he pictured the knife he still had hidden, plunging into Michelle’s soft, pink body.

I hate her. She’s ruining everything. I wish I could cut her up like I did the frog. But Ryan knew he would not be able to mutilate Michelle like he did the frog. His mother was constantly with her and shooing him away to keep him from giving Michelle something she called germs, which could make her even sicker. Too bad, he thought. Ryan began to realize he needed a way to get rid of baby Michelle without his parents knowing he was involved. They might tell Santa and that would mean no Christmas presents.

Although Ryan was not allowed near Michelle, he started to mentally catalog her schedule, when she ate, when she bathed, and when she slept. After two days of watching his mother’s routine, he noticed what he thought was an odd behavior. Every time Michelle was put down to sleep, his mother took every stuffed toy out of her crib.

I sleep with my toys, so why does Mommy do that? he wondered resolving to ask his mom at the next opportunity. That afternoon when it was naptime for Michelle, Ryan followed his mother into her room.

Ryan, Michelle is not yet over her cold. You still need to stay away from her, Sarah said.

But I miss her, Ryan lied. Can I stay here in the doorway? he asked. Sarah looked up to see the fake look of longing on Ryan’s face and felt a pang of guilt.

Honey, sure. I am not trying to be mean to you, just trying to get her better as fast as I can so we can do more stuff together again, she said.

Ok, Ryan said hanging his head in mock disappointment. As predicted, Sarah placed Michelle in the crib and removed the stuffed animals one by one.

Mommy, Michelle will feel better if you let her teddy cuddle with her while she sleeps. It always makes me feel better, Ryan lied.

Ryan, that was very thoughtful of you, but Michelle is too little to keep her toys in with her when she sleeps.

Why? he asked.

If they fall over on top of her she could have problems breathing. Unlike you she is not strong enough to push them away if she needs to. Ryan’s head shot up and he had to suppress a smile.

The toys, he thought. I can get rid of her with the toys. Now all I need is the chance to put them back in her bed. Sarah missed the glimmer in Ryan’s eyes as he formulated his plan. Soon, he thought.

A week before Christmas, Sarah woke John in the middle of the night with the sound of her vomiting in the bathroom.

Sarah, are you alright? John asked rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Sarah vomited again and didn’t need to answer.

Can I do anything to help? I can carry you back to the bed, John offered. Sarah shook her head, No I think I need to stay here for now. My stomach is still rumbling and I think I have diarrhea coming on.

Would you like a pillow and blanket at least? he asked quickly retrieving them from the bedroom.

Thanks, Sarah answered collapsing to the floor. John gently placed the pillow under her head feeling the warmth of her skin.

Babe, you feel like you’re running a fever. Should I take you to the hospital?

No, I’ll be alright. I think if I lie very still, things will settle down and I can get some sleep.

Ok, but let me at least put a cold washcloth on your head to bring down the fever. Sarah nodded weakly as she sunk down further into the pillow and closed her eyes.

John called the assistant casino manager early that morning. Sarah has been up all night vomiting and with the baby just recovering from a cold I need to stay home for a couple of days. I know it is pretty close to Christmas, but I think most of the pre-Christmas parties are over and you should be able to handle the day–to-day stuff. Ryan overheard his dad on the phone while he was eating his breakfast.

Yay! Daddy’s home today. We can bake cookies, decorate the tree, and— Ryan’s momentary glee was interrupted by his dad returning to the kitchen.

Ryan, Mommy was sick all night and needs to sleep. So I need you to play quietly in your room, John said.

If we are very quiet, can we bake cookies and decorate the tree? Ryan asked, still hopeful.

Ryan I would love to, but with your mommy sick and baby Michelle to take care of, I don’t think we will have time to do that. Ryan frowned, pushed his chair back from the table and kicked the table leg before leaving his half eaten breakfast to storm back to his room.

Baby Michelle, baby Michelle, always baby Michelle. Nobody cares about me anymore. Ryan punched his teddy bear in the face several time as hard as he could. I hate her, he said punching the bear again. Ryan threw himself face down on his bed and cried to sleep, not sad tears, but full-blown rage.

Ryan woke up a few hours later. He was hungry but calmer than when he went to sleep. He made his way to the kitchen and found his dad just finishing feeding his sister.

Ryan, you’re up. I know you are disappointed, but give me a couple of hours to wrap some presents and I will see if Ann can come over to take care of Mommy and Michelle so we can go do something. Would you like that? John asked.

Can we go see Santa? Ryan asked.

We’ll see, John answered, which Ryan knew meant no.


Daddy I’m really, really hungry, he whined still trying to take his dad’s attention away from baby Michelle.

Let me put Michelle down for her nap and I will make you a sandwich before I start wrapping presents. John headed to Michelle’s bedroom with Ryan following close behind. John laid Michelle in her crib, covered her with a blanket and turned back to Ryan.

Let’s go get you some lunch, buddy, John said putting his hand on Ryan’s shoulder as they walked back to the kitchen. As John made Ryan a peanut butter and banana sandwich, Ryan replayed what he had seen in his sister’s room.

The toys, Daddy didn’t take the toys out of her bed. Maybe they will fall on her and she will stop breathing. Ryan smiled and planned to check on her later when his Daddy was busy wrapping presents. John thought the smile on Ryan’s face was for the sandwich he was making and had no clue what Ryan was really smiling about.

John left Ryan in the kitchen eating his sandwich and drinking the chocolate milk he had made for him. He checked first on Sarah who was still sleeping, then on Michelle, who was also asleep, before going into his office where the wrapping paper and hidden presents were located. He quietly closed the door, turned on the Christmas music at a low volume and started to wrap presents. Ryan had only finished half his lunch when the suspense regarding his sister’s possible demise pulled him toward her room. He found his sister peacefully sleeping and not a single stuffed toy had fallen on her.

Shit, he said hitting one of the teddy bears from behind so that it fell across his sister’s face. Michelle woke and started to cry. Ryan frowned and pushed the teddy bear’s belly against her face to block out the noise.

Shut up, shut up, Ryan growled in a low tone. Ryan pushed the bear’s belly into her face harder. Michelle struggled at first, waving her little arms and kicking her little legs. It didn’t take long for the muffled cries to become silent and for her body to go limp. Ryan noticed the change and couldn’t resist pulling the bear off to see her face. Michelle was stark white with blue tinged lips and she was not moving even when he poked her.

That’s better, he said and smirked. Now you’re just like that frog, well almost, the frog was green. Ryan stood staring down at his dead sister chuckling at his own joke. He wanted to stay longer, but decided he had to leave the room quickly before his dad found him there. He carefully placed the teddy bear face down over Michelle’s face and returned to the kitchen to finish his lunch.

Ryan and John both heard a blood-curdling scream coming from Michelle’s room that vaguely sounded like Sarah. John rushed to Michelle’s room finding Sarah clutching a limp Michelle to her chest and screaming NOOOO at the top of her lungs. John stood frozen for several minutes trying to understand the unfolding scene. Sarah sensed he was behind her and whirled around to face him. Tears were streaming down her face as she glared at John.

This is your fault, Sarah screamed, tears streaming down her face. John grabbed the limp Michelle from Sarah and started to do CPR.

Call 911, he barked. Sarah stood frozen. Call 911, he yelled even louder, counting the chest compressions and breaths aloud. Ryan heard his dad and ran over to his mother with the phone, dialed 911 and handed her the receiver.

Emergency dispatch, this is Tony. What is your emergency?

My baby is dead, Sarah whispered into the phone.

Mam, did you say your baby is dead? he repeated.

Yes.

Are you sure? he asked. Sarah didn’t answer. Ok, try to calm down and stay with me. Is she breathing?

No.

Is anyone doing CPR?

Yes, my husband.

How long ago did she stop breathing?

I don’t know.

Whatever you do, don’t hang up the phone. Stay on the line with me until the ambulance arrives.

The dispatcher continued to talk to keep Sarah calm and occasionally asked a simple question to keep Sarah engaged. Ryan stood in the background, close enough to watch his dad trying to revive his sister, and was pleased that his attempts were not working. The EMS unit arrived minutes later. Both firemen knew they were too late, but because this was a small infant, they continued to do CPR as they loaded her onto the ambulance that would take her to the hospital where they already knew she would be pronounced D.O.A.

Sarah and John stood in the open doorway in shock, watching Michelle lifted into the ambulance. When the doors shut behind her, Sarah collapsed onto the floor. Ann had heard the ambulance arrive and had let herself in the back door to see if her help was needed. As she made her way from the kitchen to the living room she saw Sarah collapse on the floor.

John, Ann said softly, touching his arm when he did not respond to his name. John, we need to get Sarah off the floor. It took several minutes for John to register what Ann was saying and to realize Sarah had collapsed behind him.

Oh my God, Sarah, Sarah, John screamed kneeling down to start CPR on his wife. Ann touched his shoulder saying, John, I think she just passed out. I can see her breathing. Let’s get her over to the couch and then I’ll call her doctor. John did as he was told moving more like a zombie than his usual self. The move to the couch roused Sarah who began to punch John in the chest with her clenched fist screaming, It’s your fault. It’s all your fault. You killed her. You didn’t take the toys out of the crib and now she is dead. After several blows connected, John grabbed her hands and tried to restrain her.

I didn’t—, was all he whispered, tears streaming down his face. Ann quickly called Sarah’s doctor relaying what information she knew about Michelle. The doctor could hear Sarah ranting in the background.

I can be there in 10 minutes. Try to calm her down as much as possible, until I can get there with a sedative.

Ryan stood unnoticed in the hallway watching the mayhem caused by Michelle’s death. Seeing his mother hitting his father and blaming him had Ryan feeling sorry for his dad and angry with his mother. He had not expected his dad to be blamed. Still, Ryan couldn’t help feeling proud of himself for getting rid of his annoying sister for good.

Things will get back to normal soon and they will forget all about her, he thought. But things did not return to normal, at least not the normal Ryan had expected.

Chapter 2

Ryan, turn off that damn video game. I want to talk to you, Sarah said glaring at him. Ryan ignored Sarah and continued playing his game. Sarah walked over to the TV and pulled the plug. What the fuck? Ryan growled. Sarah stood in front of Ryan waving a letter in his face. I got this certified letter from the school today saying you are suspended for truancy.

Yeah, yeah. What’s the big deal? So I missed a few days. Who cares? Sarah wanted to slap Ryan and struggled hard to control her anger.

Who cares? I care for one and so does your dad, she yelled.

That’s bullshit and you know it. All you’ve cared about since Michelle died is your pill supply and as for Dad, I rarely see him. He is too busy at work to give a damn and when he is home he is so sloshed he can barely find his chair in the living room, he snapped back.

You have no right to criticize us. Yes, we haven’t been the same since she died, but that is no excuse for you messing up in school.

I don’t give a fuck about school. They aren’t teaching me anything useful. And I will be sixteen in a few months and can drop out if I want to without your permission.

Like hell you will. I will send you off to one of those lock-down boys schools if I have to, she said.

Yeah, right. Like Dad would spend that kind of money. Get real. Ryan stood up, walked out of the room and slammed his bedroom door.

We are not finished talking about this young man, Sarah called after him but didn’t follow. She slumped down onto the couch, pulled a bottle of Valium out of her pocket and popped two pills into her mouth. Ryan turned on the TV in his room and continued playing his video games. Sarah sat staring at the letter trying to decide if she should call John. She was reluctant to do so after their last argument about Ryan and problems at school. John’s words still echoed in her memory. You wanted to adopt that kid, not me. I was fine without him and I told you we shouldn’t get him without knowing more about his background. But no, you wanted the job of stay-at-home-mom so bad that you pushed me into accepting the first kid offered. As far as I’m concerned, taking care of him and his messes is your job and you need to deal with it, he growled.

But he’s a teenager and needs his father right now, Sarah said.

Yeah well, that guy didn’t stick around now, did he? Like I said before, he’s your problem and I don’t want to hear about it again. Sarah popped another pill and lay down to take a nap.

It was after midnight and a major storm was on the way when John left the casino. He knew he should go straight home, but he wasn’t ready for the nightmare he faced every night since Michelle died. The flashing images of her limp body in the crib, the EMS taking her away, her tiny body laying on the pink satin lining of her casket, the sight of her disappearing as the lid of the casket was closed, the casket lowered into the hole that was her final resting place, and ending with Sarah screaming at him, You killed her! as he pulled her from the gravesite. No he was not ready to face that. He headed to the bar down the street hoping to drown the memories and the pain.

John downed five scotch-on-the-rocks before he left the bar. The rain had started but was not yet in full force, but the wind was blowing hard enough to bend the palm trees he saw in the distance. He knew the storm would soon be worse, much worse. He considered taking a cab, but decided it was unnecessary. He had driven home in worse shape and he didn’t want to have to wait for the cab to arrive. He dropped his keys getting into the car and fell against the door as he knelt to pick them up. He half fell into the car before turning the key in the ignition, backing out of his parking spot and heading toward the freeway.

Sarah had fallen asleep on the couch and was roused by a knocking sound. She listened for a minute but heard only the sound of the torrential rains relentlessly tapping the house interrupted only by the rhythmic cracking of tree limbs hitting the windows threatening to break through. But that was not the sound that had awakened her. She listened for several minutes before it happened again, this time even louder. Ryan had also been awakened by the sound and had made his way to the living room.

Mom, are you going to answer the door or what? he asked annoyed. Sarah looked at him blankly for a few minutes before getting off the couch and heading to the front door. As she peeked out the peephole she saw police car lights flashing and two policemen standing on her doorstep getting drenched by the rain. Sarah opened the door just as the officer was about to knock again.

Mrs. West? he asked.

Yes, Sarah answered. Ryan, not sure if he was the cause of the visit, exited the living room and hid in the hall just out of sight of the front door, but close enough to hear everything.

May we come in? the officer asked.

Oh, yes, where are my manners? Sarah said, opening the door and stepping aside. The police hung their dripping rain coats on the hooks by the door before taking the seats indicated by Sarah in the living room.

So what is this about? Sarah asked. Mam, we regret to inform you that your husband has been in a car accident, he said.

But he’s alright, right? Sarah asked turning pale. The officer sat silent. But he’s alright? Sarah repeated.


No I am afraid not, the second officer answered.

Oh my God, I need to see him immediately. What hospital is he in? Sarah asked trying not to totally lose it. The office squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes.


Mam, he was killed in the accident and was taken to the city morgue. We will need you to identify his body, but you do not have to do that right now. There’s a pretty bad storm out there and it would be better if you waited until morning.

Sarah sat stunned. Mam, do you want me to call anyone to come stay with you? he asked. Ryan, hearing that he was not the cause of the visit entered the living room.

Dad died in a car accident? he asked.

Yes, the first officer answered looking at Ryan. Is there anyone we can call for you? the officer repeated.


No, Ryan answered. I can take care of things.

Ryan was not surprised by the news. He had seen his father come home drunk too many times to count and had often wondered when this day would come. Sarah roused from her silence.

Was he drunk? Sarah asked.

That’s not for me to say, Mam. The coroner will do an autopsy and contact you with the results, he answered. The officers stood to leave and Ryan escorted them out. As he closed the door he turned on his mother.

You know all this is your fault, Ryan growled.

What do you mean? Sarah asked puzzled by his comment.


You know very well what I mean. Since Michelle died you have blamed Dad for her death even though you knew it was ruled as SIDS. He didn’t have a drinking problem before then. And now he’s dead and it is your fault. Sarah sat silent, shocked by the cruelty of Ryan’s comment. Ryan picked up Sarah’s bottle of Valium that was sitting on the coffee table near the couch. With a look of disgust on his face, he tossed the bottle in her lap.

Here take some of these. I’m going back to bed. We can go identify Dad’s body in the morning, he said in a cold voice. As he walked back to his room, he wondered if Sarah would take all the