Mormon Money: And the Wacky Ways Some Wise Guys, a Con-Man, a Techno-Nerd and the Fbi Want to Get to It!

By Tom James

Mormon Money whipsaws the reader on a madcap journey through the cultural mores of Mormonism led by some wacky wise guys, a self-admitted Mormon con-man and the FBIall in search of Mormon money.

And along the way, nothing is left behindfrom polygamy to funeral potatoesevery sacred cow is drawn and quartered.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Mar 30, 2009
• ISBN: 9781440130137

Tom James

Tom James is an attorney in private practice with over 20 years of experience. His practice has ranged from successfully defending First Amendment and other constitutional rights in the courts of appeals, to advising and representing web hosting services, small small businesses, nonprofit organizations and individuals. The principal focus of his practice is trademark and copyright law. He is a magna cum laude graduate of the University of California at Berkeley and Southwestern University, and a past recipient of the American Jurisprudence Award for legal scholarship A long-time member of state and local bar associations, he is licensed to practice in the state and federal courts of Minnesota, the Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals, the Federal Circuit Court of Appeals, and before the United States Trademark Trials and Appeals Board. Mr. James has published articles in a variety of bar journals and consumer periodicals, as well as online publications. In his spare time, he enjoys doing legal research, running marathons, and spending time with his children.

Book preview

MORMON

MONEY

AND THE WACKY WAYS

SOME WISE GUYS,

A CON-MAN,

A TECHNO-NERD,

AND THE FBI

WANTS TO GET TO IT!

a novel by

Tom James

iUniverse, Inc.

New York Bloomington

Mormon Money

And the Wacky Ways Some Wise Guys, A Con-Man,

A Techno-Nerd and the FBI want to Get to it!

Copyright © 2009 by Tom James

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-4401-3012-0 (pbk)

ISBN: 978-1-4401-3013-7 (eBook)

Printed in the United States of America

iUniverse rev. date: 3/24/2009

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

About the Author

Chapter 1

SueVon 1

Seventeen-year-old SueVon Hunsaker sat hunched over, looking down at her long denim skirt shadowing her mid-calf lace-up Ropers (round toed lace-up cowboy boots with golf-shoe-like kilties).

She held her waist-length blond hair braid at the end, trying to suppress the urge to untie the rubber band and re-tie it again.

Her parents, Brother and Sister Von and Sue Hunsaker were holding hands as they listened to Doctor Sorenson try to describe transference. Sue could be considered matronly at best and Von looked like he was John Candy’s twin brother.

The Mormon Church appointed shrink was droning on at how that when SueVon had met up with polygamist George Rasmussen while on vacation in Zion’s Canyon, through no fault of her own, she had transferred her desire for a father figure causing her to elope with him and call him Father George.

Even though he was just working part-time as a Seasonal Park Maintenance Engineer (emptied trash cans and pumped out latrines) at the age of forty-two, Father George already had three teenage wives. This only made him appear older, wiser and more of a father to their innocent daughter SueVon.

SueVon had skittered off with Father George one night after her parents had parked their twenty-four-foot Tioga RV in space number twenty-six of Zion Canyon’s overnight campsite.

Earlier that night, she and her six-year-old little brother Nephi (pronounced knee-fi after an ancient Mormon prophet) had gone to bed in the tent pitched outside by the picnic table.

SueVon waited until Nephi had dozed off, which happened after he had taken his last before-he-could-get-to-sleep-pee out behind the RV.

Father George and SueVon had crossed the Utah border into Arizona where George and about seventy-five other polygamist families still survived in the middle of nowhere on the edge of Federal and State statutes in a town known ironically as Reformed Orderville.

She was married to George early the next morning by George’s father who also happened to be the local Bishop and family patriarch. And then they had left for Mesquite, Nevada. There they honey-mooned for about twenty-four hours until Sunday morning when George had to be back to teach a Sunday School Class on The Doctrinal Covenants of Celestial Marriage.

This all happened about six weeks ago.

It had taken the Hunsaker’s about three weeks to find SueVon. Two more weeks to get her what her father called extrapolated from Arizona under the protection of the you can’t take a minor from one state to another without being charged with Federal kidnapping statute. Then they had spent this past week trying to get an appointment arranged with a Mormon-approved family therapist to un-brainwash SueVon.

The Hunsaker’s were real Mormons, not polygamist Mormons.

Now here they were, in family therapy.

The positive pregnancy test had just come in this morning.

But what SueVon hadn’t told Sue and Von was that Father George wasn’t the father.

Seems Father George had decided to celebrate their Mesquite honeymoon with a jug of homemade grape juice that had been left in his cellar about a year too long. The fact that these de-facto polygamist Mormons or FLDS, still lived by a strict code of non-drinking, didn’t apply to stuff they made themselves and not knowingly fermented.

Father George passed out on the motel room floor before SueVon even got her dressy flip-flops un-flip-flopped and the white pioneer dress undressed. The dress had been given to her as a wedding gift from her new Sister Wives for the conjugal consummation.

But, just to keep things peaceful, she had told Father George the next morning how great the night had been and he had believed her. (Father George, not being that horny anyway, having three other barely post-pubescent wives back home in Reformed Orderville who he had just boinked the night before the wedding) accepted her conjugal compliments as fact.

In the meantime, when they got back to Reformed Orderville, it wasn’t her turn again to be with Father George for about two weeks and in the process she missed her period.

Then the Arizona Highway Patrol showed up to escort her out of town.

Of course she kind of suspected that the four Saturday nights in May she had spent in the back seat of Kane Russell’s car would have cinched her future.

Kane was just graduating from High School in Salt Lake where they both were students. SueVon had just finished her Junior Year and having graduated, Kane was getting ready to submit his papers to go off to hell-knows-where, to be a Mormon missionary.

But SueVon was in love with him and didn’t want him to go. So she had been telling him for about two months that every missionary she ever knew or heard about had hooked up before they had gone on their missions. And that she knew from personal experience these last minute fornicating flings had only resulted in a stern warning from the Bishop, and wouldn’t stop Kane from going on his mission.

What she didn’t tell him was that she wanted to get herself pregnant.

While the hooking up might be forgiven, a pre-marital pregnancy would keep him from becoming a Missionary.

At least that was her plan.

Not unexpectedly, and as a result of a whole lot of her nakedness all over him, he had finally quit leaving his manhood in his jeans, on her stomach, between her legs and all over the seat of his car. (Beating around the bush had taken on a whole new meaning). She finally got that virgin pecker of his where it was supposed to be. Even though it was over before it started, she reassured him that it was an eternal experience for her.

Then she helped him do it three more times before he had to have her home by her mid-night curfew.

What she hadn’t counted on, was that after four Saturday nights (and a Tuesday afternoon in his Uncle’s fishing cabin) of hooking up, Kane got religion and told her it was over between them. He told her that she had turned into the Devil and he was off to do the Lord’s work.

Recognizing the gravity of the situation had helped him realize that he had been tempted beyond his ability to resist. This made it her sin not his, and that he still retained his spiritual virginity and was accepting the call to the Japan Sapporo Mission, where he was convinced the Lord had work for him to do.

He then took her by the hand and told her that if she would wait for him, he would call her in two years when he returned.

She told him to go screw himself and left the next morning on vacation with her family to Zion’s Canyon.

Chapter 2

Jojo 1

Little Jojo DeChickseesi was sitting naked in his Eighteenth and Oregon apartment listening to his number one call girl Nicole, read him the Sunday Edition of the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Little Jojo’s apartment was on the third floor of a South Philadelphia row house. Indigenous to the predominant Catholic culture of the Italian neighborhoods, these three story row houses were called trinities after the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Jojo’s apartment was in the top…the Holy Ghost.

The apartment had been left him by his piazzano, Lenny ‘Dickless" Morandini who was doing seven-to-ten in the State Penn for involuntary manslaughter.

Lenny had ending up in the slammer on account of after four years of searching he had finally found the hooker who had bit off half his manhood during a blow-job over a payment dispute. Then she had run off, found another pimp and tried to stay under the radar.

But after finding her, Dickless had whacked her and whacked off her fake hooters before dumping her in the Schuylkill River.

Unfortunately, one of her boob implants bobbed to the surface and got caught on the stern of a passing rowing shell. The ivy-league crew of this particular shell had edged themselves to a close win and when they lifted the shell out of the water, there it was.

At first it looked like a jellyfish that somehow had managed to travel thirty miles upstream from the Jersey shore. But there was still some breast skin attached with a browned and water beaten nipple dangling from the end.

It wasn’t a jellyfish.

The pink-shirted crew who pulled the evidence off their boat showed the police where they had been rowing. Within two hours Police divers found the body beneath twenty feet of water. The river current had lodged it under the fender of a rusted out 1976 Oldsmobile Cutlass.

Dickless’ would have never been suspected for the death, except for the undeniable evidence that his phone number and address and the words: If I’m dead Dickless did it, was written on a matchbox stuffed in a clear plastic coin purse. The coin purse was zipped shut and stuffed in the back pocket of the hooker’s jeans.

Dickless’s heeb lawyer helped him cop a Manslaughter Two plea, which was granted because he agreed to roll over on a couple of local heroin dealers. What with the War on Drugs, indicting drug dealers took priority over prosecuting hooker murderers.

So that’s why the light sentence.

In the meantime, Jojo agreed to watch Dickless’s place for him and manage his hookers.

For doing this, Jojo kept eighty-five percent of the take after paying the girls their share, and sent Dickless fifteen percent. Dickless hoped this was just enough to buy off the not so friendly boys behind bars who were looking for dick-less dikes like Dickless to dick around with.

So here was Nicole who had already finished reading Section A of the Philadelphia Inquirer out loud to Jojo and had moved on to the lead story in Section B.

Jojo had just about recovered from his morning servicing from Nicole and was getting a kick out of how slow and deliberate she was reading. At the same time he had stood up to the window and was watching a pretty good game of stick-ball down in the alley.

Nicole was the best looking and undeniably the smartest hooker on his string. She was five foot nine and a half, all legs, only a c-cup without her water-wonder-bra (which she always wore), had waist length auburn hair, kept her tan at the peak of brownness throughout the year, always wore green contacts, and kept her dates happy until just before their hour was up. She was even so good that Jojo himself tipped her for what most other harem hackers would rip off their best girls for free.

Nicole read him the headline on the front page of Section B: Moron’s Meet in Philadelphia. She continued, Over ten thousand members of the Moron Church are meeting in the …

Jojo grabbed the paper and stopped her. That’s ‘MORMON’, you crap for brains. You know, like the Mennonites and Amish out in Lancaster. ‘Cept Mormon’s all live out in the mountains somewhere so as they can keep all their wives without being arrested on account a (he took a breath)… never mind, just keep reading!

She grabbed the paper back from him and continued, (deciding at that moment, that Jojo had already had his LAST freebie of the day for not respecting her intelligence).

M-O-R-M-O-N …, she read real slow and deliberate, Church…also known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, are meeting in the Pennsylvania Convention Center to discuss their rapid growth locally and dramatic increases in their world-wide membership.

She took a breath.

According to Mormon Church census information, there are now over twelve million Mormons. This pegs their U.S. population at greater than that of Jews, Methodists and Southern Baptists.

Holy mother of…give me that!! Jojo was