The Birds Will Sing Again: Facing Life’S Challenges Together

By Dr. Gretchen Helm

It seemed an unlikely matcha minister and a bartender. But Rev. Norman Helm and Gretchen fell in love and became man and wife in 1981. They lived a happy life together until the day Norm was hit by a car while crossing the street in Westborough, Massachusetts, on December 1, 1989. He suffered a traumatic brain injury that also left him virtually deaf.

In this memoir, Gretchen tells the honest and personal story of how they have dealt with Norms traumatic brain injury, the loss of his profession as a senior pastor, his profound deafness, and his recent diagnosis of dementia. From the sad to the lighthearted, she shares anecdotes from their life togetherhow they have coped with the many challenges placed in their path and how their experiences have made them stronger.

A testimony of hope for a bright future, The Birds Will Sing Again demonstrates how sharing painful experiences can help ease the burden of living with disabilities and shows the power of celebrating the joys of each day.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Aug 9, 2011
• ISBN: 9781462030583

Dr. Gretchen Helm

Dr. Gretchen Helm earned a doctorate in counseling psychology from Northeastern University, Boston, MA. She has previously published two other books, How to Claim Your Power, which was written for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. and The Birds Will Sing Again which tells of the challenges she and her husband are facing while dealing with his disabilities. She and her husband have two children. She lives in Catonsville, Maryland.

Book preview

Contents

Acknowledgements

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Acknowledgements

Praise the bridge that carried you over

-George Colman

I had a therapist, Ed Tilley, who suggested that I write as a way of dealing with my husband Norm’s disabilities and my role as a caregiver. He believed that writing would be a good way to express my pain and confusion. I resisted. He persisted. This book is a result of Ed’s belief that writing is an important part of the therapeutic process and a way to help others experiencing similar challenges.

I am grateful to my advisor at iuniverse, George Nedeff, who advised me well.

I cannot express enough my admiration, respect, and affection for all those who care for my husband and all the other people in assisted living whose lives are made infinitely better by these special people.

Most importantly, I want to acknowledge my friends and family who have been unwavering in their love and support of both me and Norm over the years since Norm’s accident and his diagnosis of dementia:

Our daughters, Lori and Kris, believe that Love Never Fails and prove it over and over again. They have had to endure the pain of seeing the dad they love so much drift into the abyss of dementia and see me go through my own personal feelings of pain and loss and are always willing to do anything they can to make our lives better.

I am deeply indebted to friends who never abandoned me even in my darkest moments when their friendship was tested as our lives were unraveling. When I lost pieces of my heart, they found them and lovingly returned them to me so that I could become whole again. To Jean and Bob, Walt and Penny, Gordon and Nancy, Donna and Mary, Dr. Jean, my sister, Cheyanna and her friend, Steven, Rita, Di and Jay, Joe and Didi and so many others. They lifted me up, held me close and loved me through the worst of times. They let me know in so many ways how invaluable friendship is when they gave me a shoulder to cry on and laughed with me when a laugh was needed. They always assured me that everything would be okay – and they were right.

For Lori and Kris

Parker and Brooke

My sun, my moon, and my stars

Introduction

I met Norm Helm on March 29, 1979. I remember that date clearly because it was our first date. Norm and I had been introduced by two friends I’d met while studying for my master’s degree in counseling psychology. Both Norm and I were recently divorced. I was raising two daughters, Lori and Kris, and Norm had shared custody of his two children who lived with their mother in Boston.

Norm was the senior pastor of the Congregational Church in Westborough, Massachusetts, the next town over from Northborough, where my daughters and I lived. At the time, I was working as a bartender at the Dew Drop Inn to help support my family. It seemed an unlikely match—the minister and the bartender—but Norm and I had a lot in common. We began to date regularly, and on September 20, 1981, we were married. We chose to invite all the members of his parish, so it was very much like a family celebration and a perfect entrée for me into the life of the church. As Norm’s wife, I welcomed the opportunity to support him, as he had a very demanding job. I immediately became involved in the many activities of the church and spearheaded some important changes, such as a drive to create an accessible bathroom. All the while, I was finishing my doctoral degree and working in a counseling practice with three colleagues.

My daughters found Norm to be the father they didn’t have, as their biological father had abandoned them right after our divorce. They grew to love him and appreciate everything he did to make our lives happy and productive. In fact, one day Lori, who was in her early twenties, asked me if Norm could adopt her. I was taken aback by her question and asked for her reason. She replied that she wanted to change her last name to Helm. I told her that Norm didn’t have to adopt her for her to have his last name, but she could petition the court for a name change, and her request would likely be granted. She completed the process, and after it was completed, she became Lori Helm. Then Kris wanted to do the same thing and be known as Kristen Helm. Now both daughters had Norm’s last name, something that pleased him immensely. I think I’ve heard the name-change story a hundred times as Norm was proud to tell how both girls chose the name Helm. We were now officially the Helm family. In fact, when Lori got married, she kept Helm as a last name. For ten years, Norm and I lived busy and happy lives. We were doing what we loved doing, functioning very much as a team. It was all good.

Norm is a man of very simple tastes, but one thing he wanted was a watch that he could wear on Sundays. Just before Thanksgiving in 1989, I found the perfect watch for him. I couldn’t wait to give it to him. I went to Norm’s office, but he was doing his hospital visitations and wasn’t there. Mrs. Ridley, Norm’s secretary, was in her office, so I decided to show the watch to her and listen to her ooh and aah over this absolutely beautiful gift. Mrs. Ridley loved the watch and said that it would make a great Christmas gift for Norm. I told her that I wasn’t planning to wait until Christmas and intended to give it to him right away. Christmas is only a little over a month away, Mrs. Ridley said. Why don’t you wait? I told her, Mrs. Ridley, life is short. You never know from day to day what will happen. I think every day should be Christmas, so I’m going to make today Christmas for Norm. I gave Norm the watch that afternoon, and he loved it. He immediately put it on and looked at it with pride and gratitude. Of course, I knew he would love it, and I was right.

Our family was looking forward to the Christmas holiday. The church was decorated with greenery and poinsettias. Our big event, the annual church fair to be held on December 2, was eagerly anticipated by the townspeople. Norm was preparing for the Christmas Eve service. Then, in an instant, our lives were changed forever.

Chapter One

The Accident

December 1, 1989. I sat in our sunroom, waiting for Norm to join me for breakfast. He was upstairs ironing his jeans, and when I asked him why, he replied, Well, if the maid won’t do it, I guess I have to. Finally he joined me, looking very dapper. Of course, he looked good; he had on a pair of jeans ironed with a perfect crease. He would have made a great cop. Cops always look so … ironed. We had a leisurely breakfast and decided to spend some time together before we started our day. The sun was streaming into the sunroom on a very cold but beautiful December day. It was Norm’s day off, but he had agreed to do a funeral that afternoon. First, he had to go to the church office to prepare, and I had to do some errands for the annual fair that would take place the next day. My car was at the mechanic, so Norm offered to let me use his. It was a short walk from our house to his office, so I took Norm up on his offer. Norm left to get a haircut and then go to his office.

When I was done shopping, I headed home, hoping to meet Norm for lunch. I saw that the traffic was being diverted, and there was a fire truck washing something down in the street, so I took another route home. When I arrived home, I saw a cloud of dust coming from the rear of our house, which