Don't Hit Me

By FonteNa K

Don't Hit Me!! is the story of one woman's struggle to define herself, her life, her identity, her lack of childhood memories and why she feels so different from those around her until she discovers her own physical and emotional child abuse suffered at the hands of her birth family. As vividly portrayed by the dramatic cover, this book describes the effects of seeing her own mother hit repeatedly until one night the author picks up a piece of 2X4 board and attacks her dad with it. Attention is diverted from her mom to her which led to six years of physical and emotional abuse until almost all childhood memories are repressed, only to re-surface at the age of 50. This incredible journey shows us the compelling importance of raising and protecting our children and the effects of not doing so.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Sep 9, 2004
• ISBN: 9781412225151

FonteNa K

Fontella K was born and raised in a small, farming community in central Kansas in a town of 2,500 people, which included only ten black families and, of those ten, only three beside her own that had children: one was the minister, one a cousin and one who moved away during fourth grade. As a 28-year member of the Soka Gakkai International, a lay Buddhist organization for World Peace, she credits that organization and her mentor, President Daisaku Ikeda, with not only saving her life and the life of her second son, but also improving the quality of her life while changing her outlook towards the future to a global perspective. She loves the practice of Buddhism which places strong emphasis on the human heart and mind, the goal of which is to enable all people to build a 'fortress of peace and happiness.' Her unique personality includes her small town flavor mixed with her love of the city. She now resides in Michigan, the mother of three, grandmother of five with her constant companion, her dog, Lady T.

Book preview

Don’t Hit Me!!

Unlocking My Personal Mystery

of

Child Abuse

By

Fontella K

© Copyright 2004 fontella k. All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

Stand Alone Media

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Every attempt has been made to contact anyone quoted in order to share their words of wisdom.

Cover designed by Keith Martin, Vision Gallery

Editors: Dell Stubblefield and Dorothy Vitale

Note for Librarians: a cataloguing record for this book that includes Dewey Classification and US Library of Congress numbers is available from the National Library of Canada. The complete cataloguing record can be obtained from the National Library’s online database at: www.nlc-bnc.ca/amicus/index-e.html ISBN 1-4120-3183-4

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This book was published on-demand in cooperation with Trafford Publishing.

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Contents

Acknowledgments

Through My Eyes

My View of World Peace

How Did The Madness Start?

Sisters

Parents

My Life

Free at Last!

Life Away From Home

What is This Thing Called Love??

The Perfect Wife

Denial

Growing Up With My Children

Grandparents

Getting It Together!

Reconciliation

Disability Strikes Me

Home Again

Who Moved My Cheese?5

The Breakdown

Exposure

Staying in The Moment

Moving On

Reflections

Actual Proof

Endnotes

Writer’s Reality

Don’t Hit Me!!

Unlocking My Personal Mystery

of Child Abuse

Acknowledgments

Without exposing any members of my family, I wish to acknowledge each of them. I have not used any of their names for reasons that will become obvious as you continue to read this book. Although it has taken a long, long time, I can now say that I appreciate each of them and would not have become the person I am today without them.

I wish to also thank members of my two adopted families, who helped me through the different stages of my life and still accepted me and loved me.

The three women outside of my family who have influenced me most are Eunice G. Johnson, my mother in faith, who encouraged me to open my mind and, through the practice of Buddhism, to expand my life to envelope all people with compassion and respect, regardless of our differences; Oprah Winfrey, who shares so much of herself with so many people; and Iyanla Vanzant, whose words have helped me appreciate my life and given me the courage to move forward. I thank them all from the bottom of my heart!

I wish to thank my entire Buddhist family, members of the Soka Gakkai International, who encouraged me through the struggle of my metamorphosis with this phrase: "Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy and continue to chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo no matter what happens." I have learned that I am the only one who can go through my journey, learning life’s lessons and, along the way, realizing my mission. For that, I am eternally grateful. Those of you who have helped me the most know who you are, especially the Central District leader. Also know there are many jewels within the seven and I treasure each of you!

This book would never have come to be without the help of my tandem team of editors. My thanks to Dorothy Vitale for her excellent use of language and grammar, computer skills and encouragement, and Dell Stubblefield, who stepped on my ego, tore open my heart and pulled information from deep in my soul to make this book complete while keeping it real. I can never thank her enough ! Thanks also to Keith Martin of Vision Gallery, who, in collaboration with my daughter Dia, miraculously took my rambling thoughts and created this wonderful cover design.

Then there’s my computer guru, Rob Baretto, who, no matter what I did to kill it, kept my computer up and running. And when he wasn’t available, it was to Charles Alexander that I looked and was given his immense computer knowledge and quiet strength; which I also appreciate.

Lastly and most importantly, I thank my three children-Jon Michael, Mark Anthony and Dia Janine-who were the first to suggest that I write this book. I love you all so much for allowing me to grow up while putting up with my ‘stuff.’ I appreciate the unconditional love you showed me and the friendship we developed along the way.

Everyone involved in the creation of my story has made my world a better place in which to live. How different life would be without friends helping friends! Thank you all!

We are products of our past, the environment of our childhood. For those of us who had painful childhoods, we are dormant to get away from our memories. We cannot. Our past is a part of our today. We carry it in our hearts. We model what we saw, heard and experienced as children. It is called a pattern. We do what was done to us. We behave the way we saw others behave. Unwittingly, with a great deal of denial, we repeat the physical, emotional and mental patterns set by our families. The only way to stop the cycle, to break the pattern, is to go back and deal with the pain. We must relive the memories before we can erase them. We must confront the people in our minds and say now what we could not say then. We must explore the feelings, unpack the guilt and free ourselves from the baggage we picked up at home.

Iyanla Vanzant2

There is a soul force in the universe,

which, if we permit it,

will blow through us and produce

miraculous results.

• Mahatma Gandhi

Through My Eyes

I’m a middle-aged woman who, until the age of 50, had very few memories of my childhood. I didn’t know that somewhere deep inside were hidden memories so painful I had repressed them. The mind is a truly wondrous thing. It allows us to deal with what happens to us as we are able to handle it.

Child abuse is one of those things and is more common than one might think, varies greatly from case to case and each victim deals with this nightmare differently. In my opinion, child abuse is as bad as Apartheid, as bad as the Holocaust. Child abuse happens in most races, all economic levels in society, and in many areas of the world. The best life has to offer, our children, especially those who suffer abuse at the hands of people they love and trust, have been made to feel insignificant, unworthy of love, ashamed and guilty, and on and on.

I’ve been told that adults need six hugs a day, minimum! Are children any different? Yes ! They need more. A child in its first year of life can withdraw and stop developing without human touch, the need for nourishment (other than food) is just that great. Children are trusting, open to everything because everything is new and unknown and, instead of being treasured, fortified and boosted up are scolded, ridiculed, made fun of. Left to fend for themselves they come to their own conclusions-especially about themselves-and do the best they can. Is it good enough? Is it enough?

Most of us find creative ways to escape, and perhaps turn to drugs, sexual investigation, deviation, promiscuity, fantasy, while some become cutters and inflict pain to themselves with razor blades or anything else sharp that is available. Although it seemed natural at the time, I worked hard to become my ideal: classy, intelligent, beautiful, witty, perfect, always appropriately dressed, and, by all appearances, well to do with money to share and to spare. I remember as a child when we finally got our first TV, watching the Loretta Young Show. I thought Loretta Young was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was so poised, stood so straight with her head held high and seemed to float when she walked. She was the way I wanted to be and would strive to emulate.

Deep down inside, I knew those things were not true of me and felt they may never be true. For years, even after talking to numerous therapists and two hypnotists, I thought nothing good ever happened to me or for me in my youth. Otherwise, why couldn’t I remember anything? Now that I have learned of and acknowledged the child abuse, I’ve started to remember many things, not all of them bad.

My purpose in writing this book is not just to share what happened to me because it happened. After all, it has happened and continues to happen to many children. The sole purpose of writing this book lies in my desire to wipe out the abuse of children by shedding light on the effects caused by the act of child abuse.

In my heart of hearts I fear that the people who really need to read this book won’t. Who are those people? Those who have been abused but may be in denial. Those who are abusive but may not be aware of it. Those who would never consider themselves abusive when in reality, their playful words cut just as deeply as if intended to be hurtful.

But if enough people do read it and things begin to change, I will have fulfilled my mission. For those of us who are victims of child abuse, we must talk about it, get it out in the open, acknowledge what happened in order to rise above the negative feelings of guilt and shame and start living with dignity. We can rise above it all and