Star Benchwarmers: A Family Memoir

By Don Eggspuehler

Just like in flying, emergencies can happen at any time in life when we least expect them. Things are going smoothly and life throws us a curve ball. How we react to those situations is often more important than anything else. When that challenge involves an illness or death of a loved one, the stakes and the tension of the game of life are the highest of all.

This is the true story of a family living in Texas, suddenly confronted with the stark reality of brain cancer. Adapting to this common enemy, the family pulled together in a collective support network to help the mother deal with the crisis, while reminiscing and savoring the special moments they have enjoyed together over the years.

This is a memoir of Linda Kay Eggspuehlera mother, wife, friend, homemaker, surgical technologist, and so much more. She was the rock and foundation of this family. She touched so many lives with her gentle love and compassion. This memoir is dedicated to her children, so that their children will know who she was a little better.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 21, 2011
• ISBN: 9781452083094

Don Eggspuehler

Don Eggspuehler lives in Dallas, Texas, where he has worked in the computer software field for many years. He received his B.A. in International Studies from The Ohio State University, and was a Marine Corps officer, who flew bombing missions in A6-A jets in Vietnam. Don married Linda Combs in 1975, and they had three children: Cari, Jaime and Chad. He founded a personnel recruiting firm, Search EDP, providing data processing professionals to many client companies for seven years, prior to beginning a twenty-five year career in computer software sales and consulting. Don has written numerous articles for several newspapers and magazines over the years, and he wrote this memoir as a Christmas present to his children. He is a commercial-rated pilot with multi-engine and instrument ratings, and a helicopter private license. His hobbies include golf, tennis, traveling, home movies, and writing.

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© 2010 Don Eggspuehler. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 10/29/2010

ISBN: 978-1-4520-8308-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4520-8310-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4520-8309-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2010914960

Printed in the United States of America

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any Web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Dedication

This memoir is dedicated to my three children:

Cari Lynn, Jaime Beth, and Chad Michael.

It is a tribute to the most special person in their lives and mine—their mother…

Linda Kay Eggspuehler

Contents

Foreword

Star Benchwarmers

The Bartender Columbus, Ohio - 1973

March 13, 1998

The Motorcycle Accident Columbus, Ohio - 1973

March 18, 1998

The Drunk Driver Columbus, Ohio - 1973

April 1, 1998

Rooms Columbus, Ohio - 1974

April 2, 1998

The New Job Cincinnati, Ohio - 1974

April 6, 1998

Three Dimensional Puzzle Cincinnati, Ohio - 1974

April 9, 1998

Christmas Vacation Iowa and Colorado - 1974

April 10, 1998

Setting the Date Columbus, Ohio - 1975

April 11, 1998

I do. Columbus, Ohio - April 19, 1975

April 12, 1998

Our Honeymoon Oahu, Hawaii - 1975

April 13, 1998

Flight to Hilo Hilo, Hawaii - 1975

April 14, 1998

Moving to Texas Richardson, Texas - 1975

April 25, 1998

New Friends Richardson, Texas - 1975

April 30, 1998

Baby Cari Dallas, Texas - January 12, 1976

May 1, 1998

Shooters Dallas, Texas - 1976

May 17, 1998

Parents Again Dallas, Texas - June 28, 1977

June 2, 1998

Ankle Jeans Richardson, Texas - 1978

June 4, 1998

Christmas Richardson, Texas - 1978

The Gourmet Club Richardson, Texas - 1979

June 6, 1998

Losing Mom Iowa Falls, Iowa - May 26, 1979

DEDICATION

June 18, 1998

The New House Richardson, Texas - 1980

June 30, 1998

Urban Jungle Water Volleyball Richardson, Texas - 1981

July 4, 1998

One More Time Richardson, Texas - 1982

July 10, 1998

New Career Direction Richardson, Texas - 1983

July 13, 1998

Julie’s and Tim’s Wedding Hilton Head, South Californa - 1984

July 18, 1998

Gestapo Germany - 1985

July 20, 1998

Over The Hill Richardson, Texas - April 13, 1987

July 22, 1998

Hawaiian Luau Maui, Hawaii - 1987

July 23, 1998

Rocky’s Accident Iowa Falls, Iowa - 1988

Remembering Rocky

July 24, 1998

President’s Club Mauna Lani, Hawaii - 1990

July 25, 1998

California Family Reunion El Toro, California - 1990

July 26, 1998

Miss Teenage Texas Pageant Houston, Texas - 1991

July 30, 1998

Colorado Family Reunion Denver and Loveland, Colorado – 1992

August 2, 1998

The Cold Shoulder Richardson, Texas - 1992

August 4, 1998

The Break Up Richardson, Texas - 1994

August 6, 1998

Columbus Family Reunion Columbus, Ohio - 1994

A TRIBUTE TO BROTHERS DON & BILL

August 8, 1998

Twentieth Anniversary Maui, Hawaii - April 19, 1995

August 10, 1998

Rafting Adventure Crystal River, Colorado - 1995

August 14, 1998

Grandpa Don’s 75th Birthday Las Vegas, Nevada - October 10, 1995

August 17, 1998

Riding the Pine Abilene, Texas - 1997

August 18, 1998

Korbel and Alcatraz San Francisco, California - 1997

August 20, 1998

The Texas Family Reunion Richardson, Texas - 1997

August 26, 1998

August 27, 1998

August 28, 1998

August 30, 1998

August 31, 1998

Epilogue

Chad

Jaime

Cari

Grandpa Don

Aunt Joan

Me

Special Thanks

Foreword

Sometimes life seems to be a collection of random events. We learn important things from these events and chalk them up to experience, but a few become extra special because they ingrain something compelling to our core – they’re called life’s lessons. Most parents attempt to teach these lessons to their children, but in the end, we all experience our own events and challenges, and achieve success or make mistakes on our own.

Inevitably, an unexpected crisis will threaten us individually or collectively, and depending upon the inner strength of the people involved, those challenges can tear the family apart or bring it much closer together.

When someone in a family is diagnosed with a terminal illness, an instant polarization emerges within the group. On the one side is the person suffering through the illness, pain, treatments and fear. On the other side is the rest of the family, feeling helpless and wanting to support (but not smother) their loved one.

We all approach this support-network challenge differently. There are so many variables involved, including the age and personalities of the people, their lifestyle, the disease and the attitude of the patient. But sooner or later, almost every individual family member and friend finds an approach that they feel is appropriate to be helpful.

This memoir is a tribute to my wife. It’s a collection of memories from our marriage and our family functions, with many of the moments of happiness and sadness that bonded us together. Writing about our journey together was therapeutic for me and helped me deal with the closure of our relationship. Interspersing old stories with her courageous battle seemed to tell our story better. Hopefully, it reveals some of Linda’s personality traits, compassion, and general philosophy about life, as well as her patience with me and our children.

When it was completed, I gave it to my kids as a Christmas present in 2003. Of course, they were thrilled to have the memories all documented, and have gone back to re-read several of the stories on a regular basis. They shared the manuscript with some of their closest friends, and several people from outside of our family remarked that they found the book helpful in gaining insight into what it’s like for a family to go through a terminal illness like cancer. They could see the different roles we each assumed during those trying months, and how we tried to complement each other’s strong points to find harmony in the chaos.

Star Benchwarmers

If you were asked to define the word marriage, would your response be positive or negative? Surprisingly enough, most people think marriage is a wonderful thing, even if their personal experience may be less than perfect. Taking this another step, if you were asked to structure your definition into an analogy, how would you fill in the blank at the end of this sentence? Marriage is like______. Of course, no two definitions would be similar, just like no two marriages are ever the same. Some of us would define it from personal experience, and others could only guess what it’s like. One thing is sure, though: each marriage is a unique combination of dynamics and environmental circumstances, intermingled with different personalities, values, and expectations.

A gentle and refined definition might be: marriage is like a fine wine, it mellows with age and gets better over time as you come to understand its pedigree and bouquet. I think this definition would indicate a very romantic and fulfilling relationship, encompassing several areas of genuine interaction.

Other definitions might be more callous: marriage is like one long boxing match, filled with round after round of ducking and jabbing, and minimal communication. You’d think these unions would fail quickly, but often the combatants endure for years, mainly because the interaction is anything but boring.

Some analogies might be team-oriented: marriage is like doubles tennis, where both partners have the same goal in mind, but bring different talents to the contest. Hopefully the couple can overcome any obstacles of sharing the court and complement one another by utilizing their differing styles and natural abilities to achieve combined success.

Here’s an analogy I’ll bet you’ve never heard before: I think marriage is like learning to fly. See, you’ve never heard that one before, have you? But think about it. At first there’s tremendous excitement and passion, mixed with a little tension. You know that committing to this goal will involve a lot of hard work and dedication, but in your heart you anticipate the efforts required will be worth it. In the early stages, you go through some anxiety as you learn the basics, but the pleasure is intoxicating. You can’t get enough of it. You want these feelings to last forever and to remain just as intense. But after some additional time in the relationship, you get more comfortable with the day-to-day activities as they become more routine in nature. Everyday you try to learn a little something new and adapt to it. Achieving anything worthwhile usually requires some behavioral modification, and a certain percentage of new aspirants just can’t adapt, dropping out early in the program. Sometimes the original desire fades, or gets replaced by other priorities. Inevitably, the biggest hurdle is changing many of your old habits and previous ways of thinking.

Flying has often been described as hours of boredom, interspersed with moments of stark terror. It’s very important in flying to plan for unexpected problems. You practice emergency procedures more than anything else in the early stages. If a serious situation happens, you need to understand the symptoms of the problem and be able to react immediately with corrective actions. It can be a matter of life and death depending on how quickly a pilot reacts to any given situation.

The same is true of marriage, in that problems can arise at any time, any place, and in varying degrees. Even though you may have discussed ways of coping with certain situations, there aren’t any simple emergency procedures to practice like in an airplane. The aim is to face new problems as a couple and, hopefully, combine your efforts to complement one another, amplifying your reaction to the problem. Again, this is where many couples find they don’t complement each other in their approach to several situations and, as a result, are less effective at dealing with problems together than they were as individuals.

As you progress over time, there are major milestones. In flying, it’s your first solo flight, or passing your flight check for your private license. In marriage it tends to be anniversaries, or the birth of children. These milestones tend to re-energize the journey and validate all the hard work and dedication. Many times, the passion is renewed because a goal has been met.

If you stay with it and keep practicing for a long period of time, you get really good at it. You achieve many milestones you never dreamed of, and really don’t have to concentrate very hard to make it work. If you’ve been actively flying for over twenty years, you’ve probably achieved several levels of licensing, progressing from private pilot to commercial pilot. Or, you may have added capabilities like an instrument rating, multi-engine rating, or even certified flight instructor. You’ve probably been through a few emergencies and handled them well enough to survive. This gives you some flying stories to tell other pilots, and adventures to embellish for your grandchildren.

If you’ve been happily married for over twenty years, you know each other extremely well, and have a complete understanding of what the other person wants out of life. You’ve probably shared some of the biggest miracles together, especially if you’ve had children. You’ve weathered the fading passion and youthful exuberance you once shared in bed. You’ve had your share of disagreements, but understood that disagreements are inevitable in any long-term relationship. There are not a lot of situations that you haven’t experienced together. You’ve made it through those many hours of boredom, interspersed with moments of stark terror, as a couple.

It was a Tuesday morning in February, just like every other typical day. I was getting ready to go to work at the office when the telephone rang at about 8:30 a.m. I answered it, and the doctor asked if he could talk to Linda. She was sitting right there on the bed, so I handed her the phone without thinking twice about it. Within a couple of minutes, she was shaking and crying. I knew something serious had happened. I asked her what was wrong, but she was so terrified, gulping for air, she couldn’t even speak. Grabbing back the phone to talk to the doctor myself, I couldn’t imagine what he’d said that would get her so upset, but as soon as I got on the line, he said, Mr. Eggspuehler, I’d like Linda to see a specialist as soon as possible. I think there’s something on her latest MRI that looks suspicious—it might be a lesion on her brain. I’d like a neurosurgeon to look at it, just to make sure I’m not mistaken.

It took me quite a while to settle her down a little. I’ve never seen her react anywhere near this strongly before, even though she’s visited more doctors and endured more surgeries over the past several years than I can even count. I just kept reassuring her that they always want to be doubly sure about everything, and usually want specialists to check these things out. We’d already started our Emergency Checklist, trying to react as quickly as possible and to think of anything we could do to help in this moment of stark terror. We made an appointment to see the neurosurgeon the next morning.

A million thoughts raced through my mind as we drove down to the Medical Center. We were both really tense and didn’t talk much in the car. I was thinking about the odd instances over the past several weeks, knowing that she hasn’t been feeling quite right for months now. She’s undergone all kinds of tests, and taken several medications, but so far everyone’s been baffled about why she’s so tired. At least taking some antibiotics the last week or so to fight a sinus infection helped alleviate that sickening sweet taste coming in on the right side of her mouth. Originally, she had complained about a metallic taste to water and other foods. Nothing could explain the pain in her middle back. I was convinced she had a problem with her kidneys because she’s had bladder infections in the past, too. But so far, the image scans, x-rays, blood tests and urine tests haven’t shown anything abnormal.

Jaime had mentioned Linda was somewhat perturbed with her doctor on her last visit because he insinuated that she could be imagining all of this. He was asking her if things were all right around the house—with her marriage, with the kids—thinking that stress might be causing some of these symptoms.

He’d remarked, I don’t want to imply that this may all be in your head, Linda, but we’ve done every possible test, and there just aren’t any good answers. After a short pause, he added, Come to think of it, the only place we haven’t checked is your head. That’s when he ordered the MRI that triggered this whole sequence of events.

Dr. Mickey was the neurosurgeon her doctor recommended, and he seemed like a very nice man. He first sat down with Linda and started a very casual and calm conversation about her medical history. He patiently listened and took thorough notes as she recounted in spectacular detail her many surgeries. First, there was the gall bladder removal several years ago. Then, one day Linda felt a pang in her lower stomach, almost like appendicitis, but on the other side. She’d gone to the doctor for a routine physical, and after examining her, he said she needed immediate surgery. It was a good thing she went in when she did, because she had diverticulitis growing into an ovary and it was about ready to rupture all over her internal cavities. The surgery involved the removal of a section of her colon, and she had to wear a colostomy bag for five weeks before she could return for another surgery to reattach the sections of her colon. Then she had the complication of a hernia where the incision was on her stomach, so they had to insert a plastic mesh in her stomach wall. He was amazed by her memory for the dates, the various doctors, and the technical medical jargon. I guess all of her medical training she’d had over the past few years made it easier for her to communicate with him. She sounded like a doctor talking to the doctor.

After this conversation, he pulled out her MRI films and placed them up on his lighted wall. Within a few seconds, he was shaking his head and grimacing. We could tell from the look on his face that something was obviously amiss. I wanted him to give it to us straight. He didn’t mince any words.

You’ve got a swelling in the brain, Linda, way down by the brain stem. It looks like a tumor to me, but the first step would be to do a spinal tap, to see if there is any possibility of a viral infection in your spine, like encephalitis, that could be causing this swelling in the brain.

We sat there in shock, not believing what we were hearing. Linda looked as if she’d seen a ghost. He continued, Personally, I don’t think you’ve got encephalitis, but we’ll know for sure from a spinal tap.

Linda burst into tears, trembling almost uncontrollably in stark contrast to her calm demeanor over the past 30 minutes. Staring at the floor, she dejectedly murmured to the doctor, My father died from a brain tumor at the age of 39.

So, there is some family history. The doctor started writing notes.

As a young girl, I watched him deteriorate on a daily basis, and during his last couple of years, he regressed into a man-child, doing all sorts of childish things in front of us. He didn’t even know his own family sometimes. It was awful. She was worried that the same thing was happening to her.

We stayed at the hospital most of the afternoon to see a specialist in spinal taps. Linda said she wanted to have one done right away, even if we had to wait all day. It turned out to be an extremely painful procedure, in that they couldn’t provide her with any pain medication. It was an absolutely helpless feeling watching her go through this agony, which lasted thirty minutes or so. Then the next problem was keeping her calmed down during the wait for the results. It felt strange sitting there hoping she had encephalitis!

The spinal tap was negative. She didn’t have encephalitis. Dr. Mickey recommended a biopsy, to understand better if the tumor was malignant, and if so, what grade of malignancy. However, the biopsy itself would be an extremely dangerous procedure, since it would need to probe to the very center of her brain stem. It would involve removing part of her skull, and inserting a long, thin needle into the innermost tissue of her brain, with the help of a microscope to guide it in. The biopsy could cause Linda to lose some mental acuity or result in speech impediments or memory lapses. It could even produce some level of paralysis. A biopsy won’t solve the problem, though.

In the past, Linda has usually accepted doctors’ recommendations without hesitation, but this time she asked, What would happen if we don’t do the biopsy?

Dr. Mickey replied, Well, you could wait a few weeks and do another MRI to see if there has been any change in the tumor. If it doesn’t change, then it’s probably benign…or been there for some time, and we’d just have to keep an eye on it regularly. If it changes considerably in a few weeks, then we know it’s malignant.

She decided that it might be better to try the non-invasive approach first. Dr. Mickey agreed that this was a very viable option.

When we got home, we told the kids what was going on right away. Cari tended to not believe what she was hearing. Her denial of the situation was her main armor to shield her from the reality of it all. She approached the matter with a business-like, problem-solving attitude. Her first questions were, What can I do to help? What hours do I need to be home from school? What special equipment do we need in the house?

Linda responded, Just keep doing what you’re doing now to finish your course load for graduation. That’s your number one priority. Next, you need to be preparing for your interviews coming up in a few months. When you’re available at the house, we’ll let you know when you can help.

Jaime turned into immediate coach mode. The many years of competitive club soccer and high school basketball gave her the practice to motivate someone else on both their belief that they can win, and that their attitude can overcome any obstacle, no matter how complicated.

Jaime was right in the thick of her first college basketball season, and trying to fit in at Abilene Christian University. She blurted out, Maybe I should just come home right away?

No, Jaime, you need to finish out your school year as well. There’s not much you can do right now anyway. Maybe this summer when you get on break you can help out."

Then I looked at Chad and said, Son, you did a great job in junior high achieving straight A’s. But high school is a whole different level. Just keep hitting the books and everything will work out. He didn’t say much. He just absorbed the information, unsure of how to react.

As the head of the household, I tried my best to reassure everyone that everything would be okay, but they knew something dreadful had happened. Linda couldn’t hide the terror in her eyes, and was crying almost nonstop for several days. They’d never seen her like this before, and couldn’t hide their shock. They continued their individual support roles, trying to comfort her: Cari the CEO, Jaime the personal coach, and Chad the quiet confidante. Linda went through the whole range of emotions with us, but confided that she could handle almost anything else, but this was so monumental, she just couldn’t fathom it. This had always been her worst nightmare.

I called Dad to fill him in on the situation. My fingers were trembling as I dialed his number. When I heard his voice, I stoically said, Hi Dad. I’ve got some bad news.

What? He asked, What bad news?

You know those tests Linda’s been having over the past several weeks?

He cautiously answered, Yeah…

Well, we got back an MRI that shows a possible lesion in her head, and they think it might be a brain tumor.

He quietly replied, Oh…no…

I’m afraid so, Dad, and it’s in there deep…down by her brain stem. It looks inoperable.

I was choking up now, and the tears were starting to flow.

Dad, we’re hoping that they’re wrong, and we’re getting some second opinions. We’ve got some of the best doctors in the country working on it. I don’t want to startle the whole family if this turns out to be a false alarm, but I also wanted you to know what was going on, and you might want to alert everybody.

I’ll call everyone, but keep things calm, he reassured. Anything I can do help?

No, there’s not much any of us can do except be supportive for her. Thanks, Dad, I’ll let you know as soon as we find out anything further. Love you.

Same here, was his familiar reply as he hung up the phone.

When faced with a calamity, my first reaction was to try to remain calm, take a deep breath, and think it through. Just like flying—never panic, there must be an answer if you look for it hard enough. But