Adult Children Raising Children: Sparing Your Child from Co-Dependency Without Being Perfect Yourself

By Randy Colton Rolfe

Raising children today is a challenge for anyone. For those who were raised with alcoholism or other chemical dependency, the challenge can be overwhelming. Trapped between our parents and our children, we may fear both the old and the new.

In Adult Children Raising Children, author Randy Colton Rolfe demonstrates that all our children really need is us being our true selves. Using case studies and real-life anecdotes, she helps us take a compassionate inventory of ourselves and our reactionsto our old family, our new family, and the relationship between them. She offers new strategies for everyday situations, as well as ways to find out who we really are and how to be that wonderful person for our children. Discover the best ways to

avoid overreacting when your buttons are pushed;
develop rules that stick;
stop trying to please everyone;
be loving without being a pushover;
instill responsibility in your child;
motivate with the carrot rather than the stick;
relax and have fun!

Adult Children Raising Children can help you create a new life of peace and joy developed with confidence and love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Nov 21, 2011
• ISBN: 9781462003273

Randy Colton Rolfe

Randy Colton Rolfe has been a trainer and consultant for families for over 25 years. Author of many books on family life, including the internationally acclaimed You Can Postpone Anything But Love, she is a popular speaker and media personality. Mother of two, she resides with her husband in Pennsylvania and California. Visit Randy at www.randyrolfe.com

Book preview

AdultChildren

RaisingChildren

Sparing Your Child from Co-Dependency without Being Perfect Yourself

Randy Colton Rolfe

iUniverse, Inc.

Bloomington

Adult Children Raising Children

Sparing Your Child from Co-Dependency without Being Perfect Yourself

Copyright © 1990, 2011 by Randy Colton Rolfe.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4620-0325-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-0326-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-0327-3 (ebk)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011918823

Printed in the United States of America

iUniverse rev. date: 11/15/2011

Adult Children Raising Children. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1990.

Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface To Second Edition

Chapter 1

Caught In The Middle: The Special Challenge

Chapter 2

Your Turn To Be Parent

Chapter 3

Parents’ Catch 22: Is Your Child Being Affected?

Chapter 4

Key Sensitivity Areas For Parents

Chapter 5

Where You Got Your Parenting Program

Chapter 6

Stages Of Co-dependency In Your Childhood Home

Chapter 7

Your Sibling Birth Order

Chapter 8

Your Independence Program

Chapter 9

From Rejection To Affection

Chapter 10

From Defenses To Self-Expression

Chapter 11

From Manipulation To Communication

Chapter 12

From Despair To Trust

Chapter 13

Your Recovery And Your Child

Chapter 14

More Ways To Share Recovery

Chapter 15

Getting Your Spouse On Your Side

Chapter 16

Dealing With Others’ Reactions To Your Parenting

Chapter 17

Affirmations For Adult Children Raising Children

Chapter 18

Parent And Child Independent Together

About the Author

also by RANDY ROLFE

You Can Postpone Anything But Love: Expanding Our Potential As Parents

The Seven Secrets Of Successful Parents

The Affirmations Book For Sharing: Daily Meditations For Couples (coauthor John Rolfe)

The Four Temperaments: A Rediscovery Of The Ancient Way Of Understanding Health And Character

Princess Buttercup The Cat’s Cross-Country Road Trip #3 (author Princess Buttercup, coauthors Randy and John Rolfe)

I dedicate this book with love

to my beloved families,

old and new,

and to all those

who seek a richer family life.

Acknowledgments

I would like to acknowledge the help and inspiration of the following people: my husband, my son, my daughter, my mother, and my father; my mentors, editors and friends, including Frank, Paul, Mickey, Gary, Peter, Leslie, John, Helen, Ken, William, Karen, Lorraine, Germaine, Dick, Richard, Leonore, June, Rokelle, Janet, Susan, Sharon, Rebecca, Susie, Owen, Perry, Wayne, Rich, Mary Ellen, Gail, Pam, Don and Ruth; my students in my Parenting Today and Personal Best seminars; my parenting counseling clients; and the many others who have supported me in so many different ways in writing this book. I thank you all.

My thanks go also to the folks at iUniverse for helping me to make this second edition possible. And thank you to all the many hundreds of seminar participants and clients I have known since the publication of the first edition, who have encouraged me to continue to share what I can about ending the cycle of co-dependency and creating happy healthy families around the world.

Preface To Second Edition

Since the publication of the first edition of Adult Children Raising Children, the need has only increased for a better understanding of the challenges faced by modern parents who had poor models of parenting in their childhood homes and now want the best for their own children. There have been a number of trends which have made the challenges even more pressing. I want to highlight here five trends in recent years which bear on adult children from addictive families now raising their own children.

The first trend is the way stresses on families have increased as a result of the increases in divorce, in health problems, and in economic problems. Families have become more fragmented and mixed as parents divorce and remarry, complicating parent-child relationships and adding stress. Meanwhile, the increasing time and money stress on middle class families has made it even harder to take the quiet time for thinking through problems and to make the family time to nurture trusting relationships. I need say little more about this. It is evident everywhere. So the wisdom shared here in Adult Children Raising Children can be even more important as a guide and a short cut to breaking through old rotten habits and adopting new ones that work.

The second trend is the increase in the many different ways to get addicted. Where alcohol was the leading addiction in the twentieth century, causing ubiquitous stress on parenting patterns, our new century offers not only the illegal mind-altering drugs we are familiar with from the last few decades, like cocaine, crack and methamphetamines, but also an array of legal prescription drugs, like the popular painkillers and the mood-altering drugs prescribed for conditions ranging from weight loss and sleeplessness to depression, anxiety and ADHD. Abuse of these drugs is climbing year by year and can be as disastrous as alcoholism or illegal drugs in changing behavior patterns in the home, to the detriment of the children.

And there are more non-chemical ways to get addicted. There is the growth in gambling addiction, as casinos spring up state by state to help fill gaps in local governmental budgets. And now we may even have a category of addiction related to the internet, with addiction growing to web pornography and other addicting activities on the web, which can pull parents away more and more from their innate programming for being loving, reliable parents to their kids.

A third, more encouraging trend is the increase in useful research, and acceptance of the prior research, into how addiction works in the brain. With all addictions, there is a fine line between enjoying various seemingly harmless pastime activities and addiction. There is a fine line between, say, on the one hand, social drinking, having a smoke, going to the racetrack occasionally, taking a painkiller after a painful car accident, enjoying a video game in the evening, enjoying a bit of ice cream after the kids are in bed, or watching a couple of football games each week, and, on the other hand, becoming addicted.

But it is possible to become addicted to any of these activities or a cluster of them, because of the way our brains work. The physiological explanation of the brain chemistry is beyond the scope of this book but it is now well understood. The important point here is that any of these seemingly harmless activities can lead to the kind of addictive and co-dependent patterns discussed in Adult Children Raising Children if they become addictive for the individual.

In addiction, we switch from a self-affirming approach to daily living to a self-destructive one because our brains start giving us false feedback. They start lying to us, telling us that our greatest joy, and eventually our only joy, comes from that once fairly harmless activity. Once we discover this is a lie, it is too late to stop without help. And only the individual in the grips of an addiction knows that they have lost control. They are usually overcome with shame, and they engage in endless excuses and blame games to try to deny their problem when others begin to suspect something is wrong. In Adult Children Raising Children, when hearing about alcohol addiction, keep in mind that the addiction which distorted the parent’s childhood home can just as well have been gambling, Valium, or video games.

A fourth valuable trend is the increase in research into the serious and long-term impact of the presence of addictive behavior on the adults who were exposed as children. Most notable is the ACE Study, performed in the late 1990’s, which examined the effects of the adverse childhood experiences of children on their later life as adults. Carried out by Kaiser Permanente and the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the study surveyed over 17,000 participants, and the results were published in an American Journal of Preventive Medicine 1998 article entitled: "Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study."

The largest study of its kind, the ACE study asked adults how many different experiences they had had as children in 10 different named categories of negative experiences involving various forms of abuse, neglect or household dysfunction. The study found that there was a direct and dramatic link between the actual number of categories the individual reported having been exposed to and life-threatening health problems experienced as an adult, including cardiovascular problems, diabetes, obesity, pulmonary and liver problems and impaired brain development.

But even more relevant for the purposes of Adult Children Raising Children is that there was also a direct and dramatic link to poor self-image, nervousness, anxiety, anger, self-pity, depression, attempted suicide, and more in the life of the adult. That means if they are parents, these effects will impact their children if not resolved.

Thankfully this study has led to a growing awareness among social services both governmental and private that there is a huge potential for prevention of many of the troubles which afflict adults today, including not only the life-threatening health conditions mentioned above but also the emotional, cognitive, and even spiritual issues discussed in this book. These agencies are starting to focus much more on what is happening to children in their first five years, instead of waiting until they have trouble in school or engage in illegal activity. And they are putting more emphasis on supporting parents in their efforts to create healthy relationships with their children, instead of simply waiting for abuse to happen and then breaking up the family. It is gratifying to me to see that these efforts are finally aligning with the purpose and focus of Adult Children Raising Children: To help the kids of today have fewer problems and more productive, happy lives as adults by guiding and supporting their parents.

The ACE study reveals clearly how affected our adult attitudes and states of mind can be as a result of addictive and co-dependent dysfunction in our childhood homes. It is well known that children can bring out both the best and the worst in their parents. Adult Children Raising Children is dedicated to helping parents change their own personal habits of thought and behavior so they can end the cycle of dysfunction and co-dependency for their own children, by recognizing and healing from the adverse experiences of their youth.

The fifth and last trend I want to mention here is a trend in the popular culture to act complacent or even amused by these kinds of findings. We often hear that probably all families have some dysfunction and that this is just the way human families are. We all have our vices, they say, and humans are prone to get addicted to something. We are told to get over it, snap out of it, deal with it, get past it, don’t let it get to you, stop worrying, stop feeling sorry for yourself or go find a chat room or blog where you can let it all hang out.

That may be helpful advice to some, but what if you don’t know that you are taking anti-depression medication because your parent was an alcoholic, or that you are always impatient with your children because you are reminded unconsciously of how your own parent incessantly yelled at you for being uncooperative? Or what if you don’t know that there are powerful ways you can heal from those early wounds and instead live a truly healthy, happy life with your children every day?

There is a better way. I believe families can learn to be loving, respectful, mutually supportive, healthy, in a word, happy. I believe that is the way we are meant to be. So yes, go ahead and laugh with the comedians about our little and large human foibles, but also aspire to be the best person and parent you can be. Your true happiness and that of your children depend upon that effort.

Regarding psychological advice:

The information, ideas, and suggestions in this book are not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Before following any suggestions contained in this book, you should consult your personal health adviser. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising as a consequence of use or application of any information or suggestions in this book.

Chapter 1

Caught In The Middle: The Special Challenge

Over 34 million Americans had a parent who was dependent on alcohol or other mood-altering chemical. A good proportion of these have their own children now.

In the last decade, millions of adults have recognized the lingering co-dependent attitudes and reactions that this environment engendered and have found hope in identifying themselves as adult children of alcoholics or addiction (ACoAs).

Al-Anon groups, for the families of alcoholics, have seen a great increase in the proportion of their membership that these adult children represent. And groups specifically for adult children of alcoholics have sprung up all over the country to accommodate their special needs.

Many have helped these adult children to identify themselves, including knowledgeable therapists, family counselors trained in addiction, anonymous self-help groups on the Al-Anon model, and authors like Janet Woititz with Adult Children Of Alcoholics and Melody Beattie with Co-dependent No More.

Meanwhile, Americans are seeking guidance as never before on parenting issues. In recent years, many young adults have put off child-rearing until after they have established careers. The baby-boom generation only recently reached its delayed birthing peak, yielding in 1988 the most babies born in 25 years.

When these women and men do have their children, they approach parenting more consciously and with greater effort than ever before to prepare themselves, through reading, education, advice and introspection.

Other parents began parenting in younger years, without as much thought. They identify with the label Adult Children in a different way. They feel that in too many ways they were still children when they began raising children. They struggle now with guilt over what they wish now that they had known then.

In my seminars and counseling around the country on parenting issues, I have met thousands of parents who are aware of alcohol dependency or other addiction in their childhood home. Most are confident they have licked the statistical chances that dependency might appear in their new home. But they fear that the cycle of co-dependency will continue.

They want new tools and information to help them weed out the troublesome attitudes and behaviors that they still carry. They want to raise their children to be independent, happy people, even if they themselves don’t feel quite there yet. And they want to feel confident and proud of themselves as parents.

This book speaks to them, to you. It draws on real life experience with one of the toughest issues of our time to show you how, as an adult child raising children, you can spare your children from co-dependency without being perfect yourself.

The Challenge For

Adult Children Raising Children

Adult children raising children face a special parenting challenge because of one dramatic conflict. They are caught in the middle between two opposing messages about their own self-worth.

On the one hand, they remember and hold on to messages of low self-worth from their family of origin, either from guilt they assumed for the troubles at home or from continuous parental criticism of their basic competence and motives.

On the other hand, they long to believe the new messages of high self-worth from their children, as they experience the natural love and awe in which their children hold them as parents.

This conflict between messages can make you feel ambivalent, torn, angry, helpless, cynical, depressed, inconsistent and indecisive. It can also re-stimulate the reactive devices that you developed in the conflicted training ground of your childhood home.

Mixed messages you may be giving your children now as a result can recreate for them the same forces with which you were raised, even without any addiction in your new family.

You can end this cycle of co-dependency for you and your children now. Get to know your feelings and where they come from. Find out what mistaken conclusions you drew from your childhood experience. And replace them with interpretations and affirmations grounded in spiritual reality, so as to empower yourself to become the parent you want most to be.

The Emperor’s New Clothes

According to a fairy tale, an emperor wanted a new majestic robe and sent for a special tailor. For an incredible sum, the tailor promised to make a robe that surpassed all others: It would help the emperor discover whom he could trust.

The emperor was excited and appeared promptly for his fitting. The tailor explained the secret of the robe: Only the righteous could see it.

The emperor saw nothing, but knowing he had not always been righteous, he said nothing. He held out his arms and let the tailor drape the robe. He looked in the mirror, saw only his royal underwear, but still said nothing.

He paid the tailor as agreed and looked forward to testing his courtiers’ honesty the next day. When all were assembled, the emperor made his entrance. A gasp rushed through the great hall. No one said a word. Each courtier paid his respects and gave his compliments, as they knew the emperor wished.

All except a little child. Peeking out from behind his courtier father’s robe, he pointed at the emperor and giggled. Stepping forward, he declared, Father, His Majesty has no robe!

Reality, Courage And Self-Esteem

I think this tale has special meaning for adult children raising children. The story of that brave child will most likely fill them with a secret envy.

How many of us would be willing to speak against the collective voice of the adults around us? How many wish we had had that kind of courage as children?

How many of us now would be more like the courtiers than the child, fearful that confronting the emperor’s illusions would mean death?

With courage, self-esteem and a link to reality, the healthy child has spiritual independence. His perception and self-expression are not clouded by fears of rejection, abandonment, guilt or shame.

As adult children raising children, we tend to think that such freedom is too risky in the real world, as it was in our childhood home. We keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves.

Meanwhile when we become parents, we try to put on our own invisible robe of parental authority and wisdom, for which we feel we have paid dearly. We think that it will protect us from all the things we most fear.

Luckily for us, we have children who will confront our illusions and get to our essence, as if all our cover-ups were transparent. Our children speak to our child within, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us. They help us to discover our own spiritual majesty while we are trying to help them discover theirs.

Your Home As Your Castle,

And A Little History

I believe that it is no accident that adult children raising children are center stage today. Only two particular situations, of relatively recent origin, can isolate a family so much that an addicted parent can control the family belief systems like an emperor, drawing her or his whole family into co-dependency.

The first situation is

Reviews for Adult Children Raising Children

[randyrolfe · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Adult Children Raising Children is an essential guide for overcoming unwanted residual thoughts and habits from your own childhood to become your own best self for your child. It helps to define the many ways that growing up in a dysfunctional family can affect your parenting now and it leads you on a compassionate inventory of things you might like to change. It gives you all the tools you need to communicate easily and effectively with your child to maximize their development into a happy health productive child who delights you.