"Have You Heard the One About..."

By Nelson Onit Vazqueztell

A poet who has everyone smiling should write more than just poetry. And so, in order to keep everyone in stitches, he wrote a joke book with a thousand and one laughs! Unlike Vazqueztells previous books, TRUTH, COMEDY & POETRY for ALL and THE V-FILES: The Truth Is In Here, which are filled with mostly poetry, the author wanted to collect and share all of his favorite jokes from all categories and place them under one cover. No matter what the subject, he has covered it and although most of the great joke tellers will know a good amount of them, there will be enough to still shock and crack up even the most knowledgeable of joke tellers. This will most definitely be yet another favorite amongst his fans or just the perfect addition to any other collection of joke books. From the doings of Little Halis, who is full of malice, to the misadventures in religion, HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT will keep you and your friends in stitches.This is the perfect book to take anywhere to break the ice at parties or bars.No matter what the situation, there will be a joke that you can share with just about anyone.And as is that wasnt enough, then theres a second bonus chapter of poetry that continues where his previous comic poetry left off.Everything from the return of fan favorites Nels Vulger, Lana Dully and Don Tortelli to another set of dating mishaps are offered in this fantastically verbally illustrated book.In HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT you will find the best of his cynic humor, darc thoughts and absolutely the best collection of jokes you will ever read! And as if that wasnt enough, Vazqueztell. And to top put a cherry on top of that whole sundae of comedy, Vazqueztell also added a second bonus chapter of the best literal finds of the internet.The Vorld Vide Veb is an incredible collection of bumper stickers, sayings, pick up lines, zany lists and much, much more that will have you bursting into laughter!

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 18, 2005
• ISBN: 9781463477707

Nelson Onit Vazqueztell

Believe it or not, the author of this hilarious book started his writing career over a romantic mistake, in a time of sadness and confusion.  And both his writing career and his romantic mistake both happened in the college that he graduated from, Berkeley College.  Because of his ‘tragic times and romantic situations’ Nelson Vazqueztell became fascinated with analyzing how our thinking changes and ‘evolves’ over time by learning from our past mistakes in relationships and our lives.  And so, he has captivated readers with his analytical thinking, his gritty points of view and his tales which range from the autobiographical to the impossible.   However, being the class clown he’s always been, it seemed as if this book had been years upon years in the making.  Sure, everyone may know him as a poet, author, and all around storyteller, but anyone that truly knows him will realize that his humor is one-of-a-kind.  Nelson has written comic poems before in his first two books (TRUTH, COMEDY & POETRY for ALL and THE V-FILES: The Truth Is In Here).  And though his books have, until now, been divided into chapters of serious, romantic and comic work, this is the first time that he goes into full-fledged comedy.  Nelson wanted all of his readers to get a pure ‘shot’ of laughter… which he will always call “the best medicine.”  Anyone who knows the author personally can tell you, his sense of humor is most definitely part of his personality.  Without “funny”, there is no Nelson.   Who would have thought that a guy born and raised in tough old Brooklyn would have ended up a published poet?  Not to mention, who would have thought that a name that complicated would have made it onto yet another cover of a book?  Well at the age of 26, he has and there are many more books on the way.  Vigorously working on several manuscripts at a time is what keeps him and his loving wife, his primary editor, busy.    His next projects consist of a story-end-choosing erotica tales compilation (DARC: Love, Lust & Fantasy), another poetry book (BACK TO THE POETRY) and a trilogy of thriller vampire / werewolf legend novels (CODENAMES: VAMP & WOLF).   You Can Contact Nelson directly at the following e-mail: [e-mail]

Book preview

"Have You

Heard The One

About…"

by

Nelson Onit Vazqueztell

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Edited by Sylvia Vazqueztell,

Additional Editing

by Nataly Skibola & Iris Gomez

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© 2005 Nelson Onit Vazqueztell. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 01/05/05

ISBN: 1-4208-1508-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4634-7770-7 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

Dedicated to my personal little crew of jokers,

Sylvia,

Lydia, Ron, Rocio

Halis, Tertia, Angel, Barbara, Ray, Diana, Jr, Mervin, Iris, Eric, Lou, Nataly & Iris (the one at work!)

As always, thank you all for being my very best friends…

And Syl, an extra pair of thanks for all the patience, typing and love you’ve given me during this whole joke book process!

And another set of thanks to all those who submitted a ton of the material that is within these pages. This book would have taken even longer to finish without your help! Thank you all!

EVERYTHING IS FUNNY AS LONG AS IT IS HAPPENING TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

-Will Rogers

COMEDY WILL RELEASE YOU FROM THE WORLD OF WORRIES AND TROUBLES. ENTERTAIN YOUR MIND AS MUCH AS YOU CAN WITH A GOOD LAUGH, AND NEVER LET LIFE GET YOU DOWN… NO MATTER WHAT.

-Nelson Onit Vazqueztell

Contents

INTRODUCTION BY THE

COMEDIAN COLLECTING THE JOKES

THE JOKE BOOK A LAUGHING MATTER

CHILDREN…

PICK UPS…

BLONDES…

INFIDELITY…

NO WAY OUT…

PLAY WITH WORDS…

MARRIED LIFE…

HIGHWAY STORIES…

BAR SCENE…

MEDICAL STORIES…

CONVENIENCES…

RELIGION…

DATING & PARENTS…

MISUNDERSTANDINGS…

GENIE STORIES…

LIFE’S QUESTIONS…

PRISON STORIES…

PIRATE TALES…

SHOW ME THE MONEY…

WORKPLACE…

QUICK RIDDLES…

ANIMALS…

A SECTION ALL OF ITS OWN…

SPANISH ONLY…

BONUS CHAPTER THE VORLD VIDE VEB OF VAZQUEZTELL

FWD: GRAFFITI IN BATHROOMS…

FWD: THINGS TO DO IN THE PUBLIC BATHROOM STALL…

FWD: THE OFFICIAL SHIT LIST…

REPLY: NELSON’S SHIT LIST ADDITIONS…

FWD: SOME OF THE DICE’S FINEST WORK:…

FWD: MORE NURSERY RHYMES…

FWD: PICK-UP LINES: THE GOOD & THE SWEET…

FWD: PICK-UP LINES: THE BAD & THE NAUGHTY…

FWD: PICK-UP LINES: THE EXTREMES…

FWD: PICK-UP LINES: WOMEN’S SNAPPY COMEBACKS!…

FWD: TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN

FWD: TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN

(& WHAT THEY ACTUALLY MEAN)…

FWD: 30 HARSH THINGS THAT A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN…

FWD: TRAINING COURSES FOR MEN…

FWD: ALCOHOL WARNINGS…

FWD: SLOGANS FOR NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK…

FWD: WOMEN’S ENGLISH…

FWD: MEN’S ENGLISH…

FWD: WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE…

FWD: RULES THAT GUYS WISHED THAT GIRLS KNEW…

FWD: ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS…

FWD: ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM A HIGHWAY SIGN NEAR A RESTAURANT…

FWD: EXCUSES FOR MISSING WORK…

FWD: AIRLINE STORIES…

FWD: THE LIFE OF AN EGG…

FWD: CHINESE PROVERBS…

FWD: STUPID THINGS THAT LAWYERS SAY…

FWD: THINGS TO PONDER…

FWD: THOUGHTS ABROAD…

FWD: THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY… BUT AREN’T (THANKSGIVING)…

FWD: THE PERFECT MAN…

FWD: THREE PROOFS THAT…

FWD: TOP 10 WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD HAVE BEED DIFFERENT IF WRITTEN BY COLLEGE STUDENTS…

FWD: TOP 10 WHY E-MAILS ARE LIKE A PENIS…

FWD: TOP 10 OLD FOLKS PARTY GAMES…

FWD: TOP 10 SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA…

FWD: AN INTERESTING APPOINTMENT…

FWD: MY VERY FIRST TIME…

FWD: WHAT AM I?…

FWD: THE CREATION OF PUSSY…

FWD: THE CANDY WRAPPER STORY…

FWD: A DOG NAMED SEX…

FWD: OVER WORKED…

FWD: ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS…

FWD: BUMPER SNICKERS…

FWD: LIFE LESSON LEARNED FROM DOGS…

FWD: SIMILARITIES BETWEEN MEN & DOGS…

FWD: HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THEN MEN…

FWD: HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN…

FWD: YOU CAN TELL THAT YOU’RE HISPANIC IF…

FWD: SEX TEST FOR REDNECKS…

FWD: TRUE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS…

FWD: MARRIAGE & DATING…

FWD: OFFICE MEMO: OFFICE LANGUAGE…

FWD: PRISON VS. WORK…

FWD: HOW TO KEEP YOUR SANITY…

FWD: ENGLISH: THE HARDEST LANGUAGE IN THE WORLD…

FWD: LESSONS I’VE LEARNED…

FWD: MORALS TEST…

FWD: PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID…

FWD: PSYCHOLOGICAL TEST…

FWD: COOL ANAGRAMS…

FWD: QUOTES FROM THE LIPS OF PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH…

FWD: CARDS THAT NEVER MADE IT TO HALLMARK…

FWD: HOME REMEDIES…

FWD: THE RULES OF LIFE…

FWD: THE RESPONSE…

FWD: WHY DID THAT CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?…

BONUS CHAPTER POETIC FUN & OTHER EXTRAS

HARD TO LET GO

EMPLOYMENT: FROM BAD TO WORSE

THINGS TO DO IF…

IT’S PEOPLE LIKE YOU

TAKE YOUR GODDAMN BOBBLEHEAD! (IT’S PEOPLE LIKE YOU 2)

WHY IS IT? 2

LIFE’S CHANGES

LIFE’S CHANGES 2 (WITH TV)

WHY IS IT? 3 (80’s TV)

ONLY IN THE NEW YORK CITY

WE DIDN’T START THE CARTOONS

THE ULTIMATE MOVIE COMMERCIAL

MISUNDERSTOOD QUESTION

THOUGHTS ON MY LATINO POPULATION 2

UNFINISHED COMPILATION

JUST THE WAY I LIKE EM’

MISS EM’

PAMELA-HOLIC

X-TREME LOVE

SUPER PULGY

HOLIDAZE

NELEO & SYLVIET

POET ON THE PROWL

WARM THOUGHTS, COLD RESULTS

WHY IS IT? 4

DON TORTELLI 2: (NOT A SHELL OF A CHANCE)

DATING VS. MARRIAGE:

RANDOM THOUGHTS

WHY IS IT? 5 (THE WORKPLACE)

LAST NIGHT… (HOW EMBARRASING!)

SCREW YOU SECRET SANTA LOVER!

DIETING!

CHIMPANZEE WITH DELUSION OF GODHOOD

DAMN… MY PANTS GOT ALL WET 2 (DAMN I WET MY PANTS AGAIN)

HOW TO QUIT

HOW TO QUIT 2

HOW TO QUIT 3

HOW TO QUIT 4

REALLY, NO BOWL! (NOW THIS IS A REALITY SHOW!)

REALLY, NO BOWL!

COURTESY CALL FROM DARC TOYS

MORAL OF CURIOSITY

WHY IS IT? 6

TACKLING BALL BUSTERS IN RETAIL CITY

NO HELP FOR YOU!

DAVE (A REALLY OBVIOUS PARODY OF EMINEM’S ‘STAN’)

THE V-FILES 2: (THE ULTIMATE ENIGMA)

A FINAL MESSAGE

DARC-TIONARY

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

INTRODUCTION BY THE

COMEDIAN COLLECTING

THE JOKES

Welcome to a world where nothing is sacred. Within these pages you will see just about everything and everyone be attacked and made fun of! And that’s just the bonus chapter and its extras! You’ll meet such lovable characters as Little Halis (who is so full of malice), Sandy the Blondie and many others that will keep you glued to the book until you’ve read the whole thing!

In case that you don’t already know who I am, I am currently the author of two prior books which are completely in the realm of poetry. Truth, Comedy & Poetry for All and The V-Files: The Truth Is In Here. And now, although my fans may know me as a poet who writes about serious stories, romances, and comedy… I just wanted to temporarily escape my previous work and simply work with comedy! And just so you know, I am a cynic… so don’t expect me to hold my tongue. Oh no! I’m going to bring this book out with just as much bang as the others. Except this time, it’s all comedy and I want you all to laugh until you pee!

The effects of laughter are honestly mind-boggling. It can cure you (as it is the best medicine, and you should always get your daily dose), it can lift your spirits above and beyond worries or it can even build something stronger than friendship… KINSHIP! Laughter is what forms the singularity in the quantum characteristics scheme of humanity. There is a sweet bond that can come from sharing comedy and laughter and it (even if respect for beliefs, ethnicities, genders and traits are thrown out the window) should always surpass the troubles of our daily lives! Not to mention, the title of this book, Have you heard the one about… being followed by your favorite joke is always the best ice or tension breaker in the world! Laughter makes everyone’s day!

HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT… is my personal collection of my favorite jokes. And it is meant to be used to bring joy into your life. This book is not meant to be read in one sitting and it is not supposed to be rushed through. Whether you now own this book, or you have just borrowed it… read it slowly and take your time to enjoy it. Read a joke every morning so as to keep your spirits up or to just wake up. Or if you’re heading out to the bar with the girls or the guys, take it along to share your favorites! Nothing makes your day sweeter than a good laugh. So enjoy! Oh, and by the way… have you heard the one about…

Yours truly,

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Nelson Vazqueztell

Mission Statement of Vazqueztell’s Darc Books Ink:

To entertain & inspire every reader that picks up gives my books a chance!

THE JOKE BOOK

A LAUGHING MATTER

I don’t take any credit for the creation of any of the jokes found in this chapter. Jokes are simply mini-stories, passed on from generation to generation, to make our days here on earth a little happier. And once told, they pretty much belong to all those who were willing to pay attention. By the time that the comical thought or story, followed by that awaited punch line gets, to its fifth or sixth generation, all credit disappears. Every comedian makes the joke his or her own, by telling it in his or her own way. So in the tradition of the wonderful world of comedians, I’m going to take a crack at sharing with you all of my personal favorites that I’ve collected over the years, in my own words. And I hope that you too will pass them on and get others to laugh. For laughter is what makes the world go round, so read, share, and enjoy as you say, ‘Weeeeeee!

-Nelson Onit Vazqueztell

CHILDREN…

(THE DARC-TIONARY DEFINES THE USERS OF THE RHYTHMIC METHOD OF BIRTH CONTROL AS… PARENTS-TO-BE.)

BOY & HIS TRAINS…

A few days after Christmas, the mother of Little Halis (her little 7 year old) was working in the kitchen and listening to him playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the son stop the train and say, Listen up! All of you sons of bitches get the fuck off, this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we’re leaving. The mother immediately went into the living room and yelled, We do not use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours! And when you come back down, you may play with your train as long as you use the language of a proper little boy. And so, two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen and little Halis came out of his room and continued to play with his train set. The mother heard once again the train stop and she paid close attention to what the son was going to say. And that’s when the mother heard, Ehem, excuse me. All passengers who are disembarking this train, we hope that you had a pleasant ride. And please, remember to take all of your personal belongings. We thank you for riding with us today. For those of you who are boarding, we ask you to place your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your ride. For those of you who are wondering about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

LITTLE LESSON…

Little Euclid (a little white boy) was watching his mother in the kitchen making a big old cake with chocolate frosting. While the mother left the kitchen for just a second, Euclid sneaked over to the table where his mother was making the cake and dipped his hands in the frosting and put it all over his face. When the mother came back to her cake, the little boy surprised her with his actions. But little did she know what he was about to say. Son, what are you doing? With a big smile, Euclid replied, Look, Ma! I’m black! The mother was so pissed that she grabbed the boy by his arm and spanked the hell out of her son and then told him, Now go and show your father what you’ve done! The boy, rubbing his sore butt went to his father in the living room and said with a smile, expecting a better reaction, Look Pop! I’m black! The father, astonished to what his boy had done said, Get over here boy! The boy innocently went to his father, and all of a sudden the father took off his belt in a heartbeat and spanked the boy until he cried. The father then said, Now go show your grandpa what you’ve done! And, the little boy, sore some more, walked over to the grandpa who was in the den, reading his paper, and said, G-g-granpa… uh, look what I did. I’m, uh, black. The grandfather looked at him up and down, and said angrily, Come here boy! The grandfather waited until the boy got close enough and quickly rolled up the paper and proceeded to smack the boy senseless with the paper. Now go to your mother in the kitchen and wash off! The boy walked back into the kitchen and his mother said, Son, I hope that you have learned your lesson, young man! The boy looked up angrily and said in the most serious voice he could, Hell yeah! I’ve been black for ten minutes and I’ve already learned to hate you white people!

WHAT ARE POLITICS?…

This little boy goes over to his dad and asks, What are politics? The father replies, Well son, I’ll try to break it down to you as best as I can: I’m the one that brings home the bacon, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your mother, she’s the one regulating the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The babysitter, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And as for your little baby brother, we’ll simply call him the Future. Now, think about all of that and see if all makes sense to you. And with all that to think about, the little boy goes off to bed pondering about all his Dad had to say. Night comes and he hears his little baby brother crying in the next room. So the little boy gets up to check on him and to his surprise finds the room smelling like his diaper hasn’t been cleaned in about a year! The stench is horrible. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room only to find his mother totally asleep and snoring. Not wanting to bother her, he goes to his babysitter’s room where he finds that the door is locked. He peeks in through the keyhole and sees his father is screwing babysitter. And so, after his quest to find someone to take care of the diaper, he realizes there is nothing he can do and goes back to sleep. The following morning, the little boy says to his father, Dad, I think that I understand the concept of politics now. The father replies, Great. So tell me in your own words how politics are. The little boy replies, Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is snoring, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

IT SURE IS DARK IN HERE, ISN’T IT?…

A married mother is having an affair. And so that she never gets told on by her son, she puts her nine year old in the closet whenever her lover drops in for a visit. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and without thinking straight she hides her lover in the closet with her son. Inside the closet, the little boy slyly says, It sure is dark in here, isn’t it? Not knowing what to reply, the man nervously replies, Yes it is. The kid suddenly gets an idea and figures he could walk out of the situation a winner, so he asks, Hey mister, do ya wanna buy a used baseball? The man stays quiet for a moment and replies, No thanks. The little boy decides to go for the sale anyway with, I think you really do want to buy my baseball. Come on sir, just help me out with a little cash to buy some trading cards. At this point, the man is getting nervous about having a conversation and getting caught, so he asks, Okay, okay… how much? The little guy slyly says, $30! $30? replies the man in shock as he realizes that he’s being blackmailed by a little, snot-nosed nine-year-old. But after the kid starts whining and getting louder by the second, the man quickly pulls out the only thirty bucks he had in his wallet to keep his situation in the clear. A week goes by and once again the husband comes home early, and the man once again is stuck with the awkward situation of hiding in the closet. And believe it or not… there was the little boy again. Sure is dark in here, ain’t it mister? the little boy exclaims once again with his malevolent intentions showing in the tone of his voice. Yes. Yes it is. replies the worried man. Hey mister, do ya wanna buy a used baseball glove? the little boy asks. Ah, shit, you’re not gonna do this again, are ya? Fine. How much this time? the hiding lover responds, acknowledging he is screwed if he doesn’t go through with the purchase. $60! the boy replies. $60? Hell no… I’m not giving you $60! No! Okay, mister. You don’t have to buy it… but I know that my daddy keeps a gun, and if I tell him that you’re in here… he’s gonna kill ya! Jesus! Fine, fine… here’s the freaking money, now shut up and stay quiet. And with that, the transaction was done and the silence was bought. The following weekend, the boy’s father, good, Catholic, family man that he was asks his son to get his ball and glove so that they could go out and play. Sorry dad, but I sold them. What? asked the father, thinking that he spent about thirty dollars to buy them in the first place and now his kid had just sold them for cookies or some cheap trading cards, How much did you get for them? $90! the son replied with a big smile. $90? That’s highway robbery! I’m taking you to church right now to make you confess your sin and ask for forgiveness! So off they go to church and when they make it there, the father takes his son to the little confessional, opens the door for him and points his finger for him to go in. The child goes in and he closes the door behind him. The boy kneels down, leans toward the little dark fence to confess in and then says to the priest, Gee, sure is dark in here, huh mister? The boy hears the priest quickly get up and look right through the little fence and say, Aw no! You’re not gonna start that shit here, are you? I’m broke! Leave me alone!

MY DAD…

Three boys in their school yard start bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50! The second boy says, Ah, that’s nothing! My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100! The third boy says, Ha! That’s nothing guys! You want to hear about some serious money? My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all of the money!

CAUGHT IN THE ACT…

Little Halis sees his daddy’s car pass by his playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his daddy and Aunt Juanita in a surprising and an unfamiliar series of adult actions. Little Halis finds this so exciting that he can barely contain himself as he runs home to tell his mommy. When he makes it there, excitedly he tells her, Mommy, mommy, I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car and then he drives into the woods and I follow him into the woods and then I saw him with auntie Juanita and then he gave her a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her blouse and skirt, and then Aunt Juanita helped daddy take his shirt and his pants off, then Aunt Juanita laid down in the back seat, and then Daddy… By this part of the story, his mom cuts him off and tells him, Halis, this is such an interesting story! How about you save it and tell the whole family the rest of the family tonight over dinner? I’d love to see your daddy’s face when you tell the rest of it tonight. And so, the plan was set and dinner came around and at dinner, Halis’ mom tells him to tell the whole story. Little Halis starts his story with as many details as he can remember. Describing the kissing, the undressing, the laying down on the back seat, and just as he was leaving everyone breathless, with plenty of shock, he then says, Then daddy and auntie Juanita did that same thing that mommy and uncle Joe used to do when daddy was at work!

I NEED GRANDMA!…

Little Halis’ father is catching on to something rather odd. See, every time that Little Halis needs to use the bathroom, he starts to look around for his grandma. Finding it odd, he figures to investigate. So one day, as Little Halis started doing his little pee-pee dance and began searching for his grandmother. The kid goes to his father and asks, Daddy, where’s grandma? I don’t know, replied the father, Why? Why are you looking for her? Because, his son responds, I have to go to the bathroom. So, why don’t I take you? No, no. I want grandma to take me. Finding it so odd that the child is practically whining to get the grandmother to go to the bathroom and help him once again so badly, he asks, Why grandma? Little Halis coyly replies, Because her hand shakes!

I LIKE YOUR THINKING…

Ms. Rincón, a fifth grade teacher, asks her class, If there are 7 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many would there be left? She calls on little Halis and he replies, None teach! They would all fly away with the sound of the gun shot. Impressed, Ms. Rincón replies, Well, the correct answer is 6, but I do like your thinking, Halis. Then little Halis raises his hand and she gives him permission to speak. Well, teach, I have a question for you now. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is softly and slowly licking the sides of the scoop of ice cream. The second swallows the whole ice cream in one shot and then starts sucking the cone. The third is nibbling here and there on the ice cream. So which one is married? Embarrassed to be asked such a dirty question, in front of her little class of angels, the teacher replies, Well, I guess the one that swallowed the whole ice cream and then sucked on the cone. And with a smile little Halis replies, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking, too!

MULTI-SYLLABLE…

In Little Halis’ class, the teacher says, Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word? Little Halis waves his hand, Me, me, me, Ms. Rincón, me, me, me! Ms. Rincón points at him and says, All right, Little Halis, what is your multi-syllable word? To her shock, Little Halis says, Mas-tur-bate. Miss Rincon smiles and says, Wow, Little Halis, that’s a mouthful. Little Halis says, No, Ms. Rincón, don’t be silly. You’re thinking about ‘blowjob.’

HORSEY RIDE…

Little Halis gets up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. He slowly passes his parent’s bedroom and hears a lot of moaning. He quietly peeks in and catches his parents in the middle of coitus. Before the father and mother could even react, Little Halis exclaims, Oh boy! A horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back? His father and mother, without knowing what to do see the opportunity of continuing their wonderful session and making their little innocent son happy too. So the parents agree, Little Halis hops on and the father continues in full stride right until the mother started moaning loudly and says, I’m going to come! I’m going to come! Just then Little Halis yells out, Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where the milkman and I usually fall off!

WHAT IS GOD? …

One day, during an incredibly deep and meaningful sermon at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and was not. He continued on and on about God not being neither black, nor white. About God not being neither male, nor female. And as he kept on and on, a little curious 8 year old turns to his mom and asks, Mommy, is Michael Jackson actually God?

CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR ASSHOLE WITH YOUR PENIS?…

A sick old man and his 10 year old grandson are fishing in the middle of a quiet and peaceful lake. The old man takes out a cigarette and lights it up. His curious grandson says, Hey grandpa. Can I take a puff of your cigarette, to try it? The grandpa nods his head and responds, Well, if you can you touch your asshole with your penis, you can. Confused, the little boy says, No. I can’t do that. That’s not possible for me. Then you’re not big enough to have some of my cigarette! A few more minutes pass by, and the sick old man takes a beer out of his cooler and pops it open. The little boy curiously again says, Grandpa. Can I have a sip of your beer, to try it? Once again, his response is, Can you touch your asshole with your penis? No. I can’t do that. That’s not possible for me. Well then, you’re not old enough to have any of my beer. Time passes by some more and they continue fishing. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of delicious chocolate chip cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, Hey! Those cookies sure do look good. Can I have one of your cookies, to try it? So the little boy sees the opportunity to get even and asks, Can YOU touch YOUR asshole with YOUR penis? I most certainly can! said the grandfather thinking that he had outsmarted the little boy. To which the little boy responded, Well then, go fuck yourself cuz these cookies are mine!

THE PERFECT PENIS…

Little Halis was quite the curious little fellow, and one day he went up to his father and asked, Dad, what’s a penis? So his dad, wanting to answer his son’s question, unzips his pants and says, Son, this is a penis. And it’s a perfect penis! So the boy, question answered, leaves his dad and later on that same day, goes up to his friends and says, Guys! Guys! I learned what a penis is today! The little boys ask, Really? What’s a penis? So the little boy unzips his pants and says, THIS is a penis! And if it was only 2 inches shorter, it would have been a PERFECT penis!

BLAMED FOR THE WORSE…

A sweet couple had two little, extremely mischievous, boys of ages 8 and 10. These two little ‘monsters’ were always the ones starting all the trouble any where that they went and so one day, hearing that the new priest in town was very successful in disciplining children, they asked him if he would speak with their boys. The priest agreed and asked to see them individually. So one morning, the mother sends the 8-year-old first, and then plans to send the other one in the afternoon. The priest, a huge man with a strong and incredible voice, sat the younger boy down and seriously asked him, Where is God? They boy, scared, opened his eyes wide and gave no response. So the priest repeated the simple question in an even more serious tone, Where is God?! Again, even scared further, the boy kept his eyes open but now opened his mouth and could only nod his head unknowingly. So the priest spoke louder and seemed as if he could just not get any more serious while waving his is finger in the boy’s face and yelled, WHERE IS GOD?!! The terrified boy screamed, got up, ran from the church going directly home, ran up the stairs of his house and hid under his bed. The older brother wanting to find out what he was about to be exposed to, went up to find his brother and ask him what had happened. What happened? The younger brother, crying his little eyes out responds, We are in some serious trouble this time, man. God is missing - and they think we did it!

MAKING CAKES…

One day, a mother and her young daughter are walking through the park and when it’s least expected, they see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl curiously asks, Mommy, what are they doing? Not knowing what to say, she replies, Well, they seem to be making cakes. And so, the words fit the moment and it was dismissed. The following day, the mother and daughter are at the local zoo, and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Once again, she asks the mom about what they are doing and the mom, thinking about the day before, replies that they are simply making cakes. The following day after that, at breakfast, the little girl asks her mom, Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes in the living room, late last night? Shocked, and truly lost as to what to say, the mother asked, Honey, well, yes… we were. How do you know? The little girl smiles and says, Well, I just wanted to say that you left behind some icing on the sofa… and I licked it off.

NUDE BEACH…

A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a local nude beach. And as the boy walks along the beach, he notices that some of the ladies had chests that were larger than his mother’s, and so he asks her why. The mother responded, Well son, the bigger they are, the dumber the person is. The boy thought about it for a minute and then goes off to play in the water and sand. A little time goes by and he realizes that there are many men there who have larger members than his dad. So he goes back to his mom and asks why. His mother responds, Well son, the bigger they are, the dumber the person is. Once again, the little guy thinks about the answer and goes back to play in the sand and water. A little while later, the boy goes back to his mother all excited and says, Mommy, mommy! Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and more he talks to the stupider he’s getting!

THE SQUIRMER…

Little Halis is sitting in the back of the class and he is continually squirming and fidgeting in his chair and not paying much attention. The annoyed teacher approaches him to find out what the problem is. Quite embarrassed, Little Halis whispers that he had just been painfully circumcised and that he was extremely itchy. The teacher immediately sends him to the principal’s office so that he can call his mom and ask her what to do about the situation. He goes, makes the phone call, returns to class and sits down. A few seconds later, there is a commotion in the back of the classroom directly around where Little Halis is sitting. When the teacher goes to the back of the room, she finds Little Halis sitting down quite comfortably with his penis hanging out. Little Halis! What the hell are you doing? the confused and shocked teacher asks, I thought you went off to call your mother? Little Halis looks at her, smiles and replies, I did, teach, and my mommy told me that if I could stick it out until noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.

REALITY BITES…

Euclides, a little guy of about 10 years of age, is asked by his father one day, if he knew about the birds and the bees yet. Euclides bursts into tears and cries out, I don’t want to know! I really don’t want to know! Confused as hell, the father asks him what’s wrong. Oh, dad, Euclides sobs, When I was 5, I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. When I turned 7, I got the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. Then at 9, you threw the ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech! So now, if you’re going to tell me that adults don’t get to fuck… I’ve got no reason to grow up!

AIRPLANE CONVERSATION…

A lonely fellow sits down next to little Halis, who was sent to visit his family alone, on an airplane on their way to Dominican Republic. The man looks down at Halis and figures that he could kill some time by talking to make the trip go faster. So the man says, Hey there little fella, how’s about you and I have a conversation so that the trip whizzes by. Little Halis looks up at the man who just interrupted his comic book reading and said, Sure mister. What do you want to talk about? Oh, I don’t know little guy. How’s about we talk about the medical advances of the US as compared to DR? The little guy thought about it for a minute and then said, Okay, but first I’ll ask you this. Horses, cows and deer all eat the same stuff, right? Uh, yeah? Well, they do. They all eat grass. But the thing is that horses defecate clumps of dried grass, cows pass out some huge, flat cow pies and deer excrete little pellets. Now, the question is, why do you suppose that is, mister? The man was at a total loss as to what to reply and just motioned with his hands and shoulders that he didn’t know. Little Halis looked at him and then went right back to his comic as he said, So, you’re telling me that you want to discuss medical advances, when you can’t even talk about shit?

FASCINATE…

The previous day, a class had an assignment to use their new vocabulary word, Fascinate, in a sentence. So now it’s the following day and the teacher asks for volunteers to share how they used the word in a sentence. First up, Little Diana raises her hand and quietly says, Last week my dad and I went to the zoo and we thought the giraffes’ long necks were very fascinating. Very good, replied the teacher, but the assignment was for you to use the word ‘fascinate’, not ‘fascinating’… so can someone else give me a better answer. Little Tertia raises her hand and says, Last week my parents went to the museum, and we were all fascinated by all the exhibits. That’s great Tertia, but the assignment was with the word ‘fascinate’, not fascinated. Can anyone give me an even better answer? Next up was little Halis raises his little hand higher than anyone else’s, but the teacher, knowing the trouble that he always made, was hesitant to call on him. She thought about it for a minute and decided that there was no way that he could make a dirty situation of this simple word. So she calls on Little Halis and he yells out, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only FASTEN EIGHT.

MATH PROBLEM…

Little Halis returns from school only to tell his dad that he got an F on his math test. Why? asks his father. Well dad, the teacher asked, ‘How much is 2x3?’, and I said, ‘6’. Uh, but that’s correct, son! exclaimed his dad. Then she asked me, ‘How much is 3 x 2?’ But son, what’s the fucking difference?! asks the baffled father. Well dad, that’s what I said!"

URINATE…

One day, Little Halis was sitting in class when suddenly he realized that he needed to go to the bathroom, very badly. He yells out, Ms. Rincón, I really need to take a piss! The teacher sternly replies, Now, Halis, that is not the proper word to use in this classroom. The correct word you should use is ‘urinate.’ Now, if you use the correct word in a sentence, I will allow you to go to the bathroom. Little Halis, so full of malice, thinks for a bit and then says, Okay… YOU’RE AN EIGHT! If you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!

THE BEAUTIFUL CHALLENGE…

During a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asks for a volunteer in her new little challenge to her class to use the word beautiful. However, as simple as that sounded, the catch was that it had to be used twice in the same sentence. All the little hands go up in the air and the first once chosen was little Angel. She came up with, My daddy bought my mommy a beautiful dress and she looked soooo beautiful in it. That was pretty good Angel, replied the teacher. And with all the other little hands now in the air, she picked on little Sylvia. Trying to outsmart her peers she says, My mommy planned a beautiful wedding for my brother and it turned out beautifully! That was pretty good, too, Syl! Now does anyone else want to try and beat my challenge? And that’s when unknowingly she chose little Halis who looked so eager to answer the question. Little Halis stood up and answered her challenge with, Last night during dinner, my sister told my daddy that she was pregnant, and my dad said, ‘Beautiful… just fucking beautiful!‘

MEAN BIRDIE…

At a regular beach, a guy decides to sunbathe in the nude. But since he sees a little girl coming towards him, he acts fast and covers himself with his newspaper that he was reading. The innocent little girl came up to him and asks, Hey mister, what do you have under the newspaper, mister? Without a clue as to what to answer, the man replies, Oh, it’s just a bird. The little girl walks away and soon thereafter the guy falls asleep. But when he wakes up, he quickly realizes that he’s surrounded by paramedics and tons of gawking on lookers and in tremendous pain. Two police officers make their way through the crowd and ask the man what had happened. The naked guy replies, I don’t know. I was lying on the beach naked, a little girl passes by and asks me about my ‘winky’, I cover up, fall asleep and the next thing I know is I’m total agonizing pain. The two officers find a nearby little girl playing with sand and ask her if she was the one responsible for the spectacle close by. She nods positively and they ask what she had done to the naked man in pain. She innocently replies, To him? I didn’t do nothin’ to him. I was only playing with the birdie and it spit on me. So I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire with those matches!

HAIR ON YOUR TWINKIE…

Little Diana goes with her daddy to the barber shop. Not wanting to leave her father’s side, she practically sits under the barber’s chair where her father is sitting while the barber isn’t looking. And while the barber is pulling out his essential haircutting tools, she pulls out a Twinkie from her pocket, opens it and starts to eat it slowly. Being that she was in the barber’s way, but now wanting to sound mean or rude, he bends down and tells little Diana, Sweetie, you’re gonna get hair all over your Twinkie. She looks up at the barber, gives him a big smile, looks down at herself and then back at the barber and says, Yeah, I know. And I’m going to have boobs too!

BIRTHDAY WISH…

It was Little Halis’ birthday and he woke up extremely excited. His mother asked him what he wanted for his birthday. Little Halis looked her straight in the eyes and bluntly said, I want some pussy. Shocked at what her little boy had just said, she responded sternly Halis, there is absolutely no way to talk to your mother! I am sending you to your Grandmother’s. So a little time later, when he arrived at his Grandmother’s house, she happened to ask him the same thing. Little Halis what would you like for your Birthday? Little Halis looked at her square in the eyes and said proudly, I want some pussy! Just as equally shocked as his mother, grandma didn’t know what to say. But loving her grandchild so much, she said, Well, alright, you go upstairs and take your clothes off and I’ll be right up, sonny. And so, he did what he was told and a few minutes later she came up in lacey lingerie and she got in bed with him they did the horizontal mambo and no one found out. Later that evening, during dinner, his dad asks, So, Little Halis, what did you get for your birthday today? Still eating, but wanting to answer his ‘great news’ he said, Grandma gave me some pussy, dad! Chocking on his sip of juice, the father exclaimed, What? You fucked my mother? Little Halis quietly swallows his food and says, Why would you be mad dad? You’ve been fucking mine for years and I haven’t been mad at you once!

BILL PROBLEMS…

It was Henry’ tenth birthday and being that he had been a really good boy, he asked his dad for a ten-speed bike. With a look of disappointment on his face, his dad said, Sorry son, you know I’d get you whatever you want, but the $100, 000 mortgage is up, the phone and electricity are past due and your mother just lost her job. So there’s no way we can afford it. Sorry son. Henry walked away quietly and disappointed. The following morning, the father sees Henry heading out the front door with his book bag full of food and a suitcase. Concerned, the father asked, Son, where are you going?! To which Henry responded, I got up in the middle of the night to pee and as I was walking past your room last night, I heard you tell mom you were pulling out! Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too! And I’ll be damned if I’m sticking around here by myself with a $100,000 mortgage, all the unpaid bills and no transportation!

SEX EDUCATION…

A third grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks her class, Does anyone know what this is? And little Halis replies, Yes I do, and my dad has 2 of them! Stunned by his response, the teacher asks, Are you sure about that? And little Halis replies, Absolutely teach! He uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter’s teeth!

S&M PROBLEM…

One day mom was cleaning Little Halis’ room, and as she cleans the closet, she finds a stack of S&M magazines. She was both shocked and lost as to what to do about the situation. The only thing that she could think of doing was hiding the magazine until his father got home and showing it to him. A few hours later, she hands it to Little Halis’ father, and after checking it out, he hands it back to her without saying a word. After an awkwardly silent moment, the mother asks, Well, what should we do about this? The father looks straight into his wife’s eyes and says, Well honey, I don’t think we should spank him.

DEAD GOLDFISH…

Hearing someone crying on the other side of his fence, an elderly man peeks over to find his next-door neighbor’s kid out in the back yard with a shovel and messing around with dirt. What are you doing kid? he asked. My goldfish died, replies the little kid without looking up, and I just buried him. But the old man found it strange that the hole that the kid was covering was pretty big for just a little gold fish. So a little baffled, the elderly man asks, That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it? The little boy patted down the last heap of earth and replied, That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat!

PERFECT TOY COUPLE…

Little Diana gets in line to see Santa. She patiently waits until it’s her turn and she climbs up onto Santa’s lap. As always, Santa asks, What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas? Little Diana replies, I want a Barbie and her man, a G.I. Joe. Santa looks strangely at the little girl for a moment and says, I thought Barbie comes with Ken. No, responded Little Diana looking at Santa like he had two heads, She comes with G.I. Joe, but she fakes it with Ken.

TRICK OR TREATING PROBLEMS…

Margaret and Jermaine, two little black kids, were off to trick or treating on their favorite holiday in a white neighborhood. They knocked on the door of the first house on their Halloween route and a white man answers the door. Well, you two sure are adorable! Who are you supposed to be? We’re Jack and Jill! replied the cute little couple at the same time. The racist man starts to laugh hysterically and says, You two can’t be Jack and Jill. For Kids, I’m sorry to break this to you, but you’re black! After slamming the door on their faces, Angel and Jermaine go home thinking about the whole awkward situation and they think up of another costume idea. An hour later, they show up to the same man’s door again. The racist man opens the door and says, Well now, aren’t you two the most adorable little creatures! But who are you supposed to be this time? Now, we’re Hansel and Gretel! the little boy blurted hoping to get some candy, finally. Well, I hate to disappoint you, kids, but you can’t be Hansel and Gretel… you’re both black! he said with a smirk about to crack up all over again. And so the two kids, with their heads hung low, go off on their way home and to see what the hell they could come up with to get some candy from the mean man. Another hour later, the racist man hears his doorbell again. As he opens the door, figuring the two black kids had come back with yet another ‘white’ pair of costumes he looks down and is shocked at the sight before him. He could not believe that the two kids had now come back as naked as Jay birds! Oh my God! And just who are you two supposed to be this time? he asks. We’re M&Ms, says the little girl, I’m plain… he’s with nuts! Will you give us some fucking candy now?!?

THUMB SUCKER…

Even though his mother had tried everything to get him to stop doing it, her son had not yet given up the bad habit of sucking on his thumb. One morning, she just couldn’t take it anymore and she scolded her little five year old by saying If you don’t stop sucking that damn thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon. The boy took the words to heart and tried his best to stop sucking his thumb. Feeling bad that she scolded him, she later invited him to the park. And as they walked around in the park, the little thumb sucker sees a pregnant woman with a huge belly that was sitting on a bench. The boy pulled his unknowing mother over to the pregnant woman and pointed and shook his little index finger at her belly and says, Ooooooooo! I know what you’ve been sucking!

DEFINITELY…

It’s time for a new word to be taught in class, and the teacher asks her class, Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence? First up is little Diana, and she proudly says, The sky is definitely blue! The teacher smiles reassuringly but says, Sorry, Diana, but the sky can also be gray or orange. Then little Ricky says, Tree leaves are definitely green. And with another reassuring smile, she explains yet another incorrect answer, Sorry, but in the autumn the tree leaves are brown. Little Halis, so full of malice, who happens to be facing the corner for his previous forced set of farts he was evoking to ‘impress’ the class stands up and asks loudly, Hey teacher, does a fart have lumps? Shocked and in total worry about what little Halis is even thinking, she replies Little Halis! Of course not! OK then teacher, then I could use your word in a sentence. The teacher, not knowing what to say, just stood there waiting to see what would be the next words to come out of his mouth. Little Halis frowns and said, If farts are not lumpy, then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!

THE FLUNG CONDOM…

A couple had just finished having sex, and the guy without thinking about the repercussions, simply took off his condom and flung it out the window. His girlfriend asked him what in the world he was thinking and then continued to nag and nag for him to go out and pick up that condom before someone found it outside her window. So he reluctantly put on his clothes and went out to get it, when what he found was a little kid holding the condom. He asked the kid to give him the condom and the kid totally refused. So the guy, desperate not to lose any future moments of sex due to his lack of condom retrieval skills, offered $5 for it and the kid still refused. Now, totally realizing that if he didn’t get back with that condom that his girl would also kill him, he looked in his wallet and pulled out all of his money. $35, it’s all I’ve got kid. The amount seemed to brighten up the kids face and he took him up on his offer. Alright mister. Here you go. The guy leaves and the kid faces his friends with a huge smile on his face. Just then they all want to know just what exactly he’s smiling about, and he says, That moron wanted that Twinkie wrapper so bad that he gave me $35, but the best part was that I had already licked the whipped cream off.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT…

Little Halis walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of the bed putting on a condom. Little Halis’ father, trying to hide his rubber covered erection, threw himself down on all fours and started to quickly look under the bed. Curious, Little Halis asked, What are you doing pop? His father quickly replied, attempting to keep his ‘innocent child’ innocent, I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed. To which Little Halis quickly snapped back with, So, you’re gonna fuck the rat?

SON, COULD YOU PASS ME THE…

Little Halis came down for breakfast one morning and asked his older brother, Hey, where’s mom and dad? and he replied, they’re up in bed, I think. The little boy started cracking up and giggling all throughout his breakfast that he prepared all on his own. The hours passed on and he came back down for lunch, and once again he asked his brother, who just happened to be around, Where’s mom and dad? I think they’re still up in bed. Again, Lil Hal was cracking up laughing all throughout his self served lunch. A couple more hours passed by and dinner time came around. Now his older brother was sitting at the table waiting for the parents when in comes Little Halis. His brother asks, What’s wrong with mom and dad, Halis. They’ve been in their bedroom all day? Little Halis busts out laughing and he’s rolling all over the floor with tears of laughter all over his face. The brother, wierded out by his brother’s reaction, all day, to the parents being in the bedroom asks, Hal, do you know something that I don’t? What’s so funny? Trying to hold back the laughter and drying away the tears from his face, he responds, Well, last night dad came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline, but by mistake I gave him the super glue instead!

GOTTA POWDER…

Little Halis is in the living room with Little Tertia, coloring with crayons. And although Little Halis has been dying to pee for the last hour, he doesn’t say a word about it since his mommy had told him to always be private about private matters. But a half hour more passes by and he realizes that either he went to the bathroom or he’d have to do it on himself, in front of this little girl that he liked. So he thought about the way that his mom always excused herself and then said, Hey, Little Tertia, will you excuse me? I need to go and powder my nose. Little Tertia says, Sure and he ran to the bathroom as fast as his feet could take him so that he could finally go pee and quickly come back to be with the cute little girl. A few minutes later he comes back and Little Tertia asks, So, did you powder your nose? Happily, he replies, Yup! Well then, she continued, You’d better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out!

CHICKEN LITTLE…

During story-time in class, the teacher reads his class the story of Chicken Little. He liked making all of the stories interactive with the class and so he would ask questions here and there in between pages. But when he made it to the part of the story where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer about ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling! the teacher stops for a second and asks the class, And what do you think that farmer said, class? Little Halis raised his hand and blurts out, Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"

THE TRUTH IS IN THE LICENCE…

One day a little girl goes up to her mom and asks her how old she is. That’s not something adults like to tell, her mother replied. But even though she was denied the answer she goes on to ask how much she weighs. That’s not something adults like to talk about either, the mother replied. Going 0 for 2, she decides to ask one more question, How come you and daddy got a divorce, mommy? We don’t like to talk about that either, honey the mother said firmly to end the conversation. The next day the same little girl asks an older friend about why her mother refused to answer any of her simple questions. The friend explains to her that adults have all of that info on their drivers’ license. That the driver’s license was like a report card for adults, and that it would tell her everything that she needed to know. So when the daughter got home from school, rummage through her mom’s purse, found the ID, studied it then goes right up to her mother and says, Ha! I now know how old you are, mommy! How old? her mother asked. 47. A little shocked at the correct answer she asked her how she knew that. But the little girl went on to say, I also now know how much you weigh. Really? replied the mother. Not expecting her daughter to figure that out without a scale under her. Uhuh! You weigh 135 pounds. And I even know why you and daddy got divorced! Shocked at the two correct answers and now wondering how in the world her little girl knew about her ex-husband and her she asked, Okay, why is that? To which the little girl started giggling as she replied, Because you got an ‘F’ in Sex!

THAT SON OF A BITCH IS…

Little Halis was at home working on his Math homework. He spoke aloud his calculations: Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine. Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten. And just as he’s working out his homework, ‘very innocently’, his mother comes in only to be shocked by what he is saying! Halis! Halis, what are you saying?! Why are you calculating like that?! Little Halis answered, I’m doing my Math homework, mom. She continues her investigation with, And is that what your teacher taught you? To which he simply replies, Yeah. Shocked and dismayed, the mother takes Little Halis to class and sticks around to speak with his teacher about what awful things he’s teaching her little angel. I demand to know what you are teaching my son in Math class? The teacher worried about what he could have possibly said or done, but did not remember perhaps, says "Right now, we