Coffee Cup Stains: Thoughts from an Autistic Poet

By Joy Olree

Life is complicated, plain and simple.

What we see is not what anyone else sees. We see a red rose, but no one else sees that same red, for no one else has our eyes. And thats life. We rely heavily on our five sensestaste, smell, touch, sight, and hearingbut only we can taste, smell, feel, see, or hear how we do.

The poetry included in Coffee Cup Stains: Thoughts from an Autistic Poet is based on Joy Olrees own five senses. She was, as Lady Gaga says, born this waywith autism, in a world that cannot fully grasp the meaning. In this new poetry collection, Olree attempts to enlighten that non-autistic world, to make its inhabitants see what she sees.

RAGGED RISE

Ragged rise I live

careful not to see

what there is to feel.

Fair the well my child

say therell never be

ever cause to doubt

what it is my place

here on earth to be.

Ragged rise I go

climbing to the top

up the mountain side

staring at the heavens

waiting for the answers.

Peaceful though I am

I would give it all

if only you would ask.

Ragged rise I see

man in all his glory

weathered worn but

whole, scattered torn

they roam sheltered

from lifes storm.

Ragged but to rise

over and again

down but never out

thus it seems my life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Abbott Press
• Release date: Jul 29, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458200136

Joy Olree

Joy Olree is a Christian who writes poems and paints with acrylics on canvas using toothpicks. She has Asperger’s syndrome and MS and writes poetry based on the world as seen through her eyes. She currently lives in McKenzie, Tennessee.

Book preview

Contents

INTRODUCTING ME THE OFFICIAL/ UNOFFICIAL AUTISTIC POET

DEFINITATIONS–-THIS MEANS THAT

SHORT LIFE

A THOUGHT

BABIES GROW UP

WHOSE AUTHORITY?

DEATH IN LOVE

DEVOTION

DID YOU EVER LOVE ME?

DON’T YOU WANT TO STAY HERE A LITTLE WHILE

FAITH

FROGS AND SNAKES

FUN POEM

GODLY FOLKS

HELP

HUMBLE

JOB HUNTING IN THE SNOW

JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH

LESSONS TO LEARN

LOST AND FOUND

MESMERIZED SIMPLETON

MIST

ON THE FLOOR

ONE AND THE SAME

PEN IN HAND

RECREATION

SLIPPED AND FELL

SPRING POEM

THE FIRES OF HELL

THE GARDEN OF SOULS

THE LAST PAGE

WATER RISING

WE WILL ANSWER

WHERE IS MY PLACE?

WHERE WERE YOU

ALMOST

BRICK WALLS

DESTINY

A CHRISTMAS THOUGHT

A STAR SHALL FALL

AFTER THE RAIN

AUTOMATIC WORDS

BABY I LIKE IT

BEAUTIFUL

BETTER TAKE CARE

BORN A QUEEN

BORN A QUEEN OF FANTASY

BROKEN

BROKEN TESTAMENTS

CAN YOU FEEL IT

CHICKEN LITTLE

CLUTTER

COULD HAVE BEEN

DID I SCARE YOU?

FADED RAINBOWS

FAILED PROPHECIES

FAITHFUL ROSE

FALLING LEAVES

FATHER OH FATHER

FLOWERS FOR ALL

FOR THE RECORD

FOREVER

FRACTURED

HE CAME TO SAY

I BELIEVE

I KNOW NOT

I’M ALIVE

INNER DEMONS

IS IT BLOOD OR KETCHUP?

JIVE

JUICY

JUMP

LIFE SUCKS

LIMITS

LIQUID LUSCIOUS

ORANGE

LOVE ACCORDING

MEET ME IN TOMORROW

MISMATCHED

MY SURRENDER

NO ARMS NO LEGS

ONE BY ONE

PAIN

PERFECT EYES

PICTURE OF YOU

PREPARE TO DIE

RAGGED RISE

READY, SET, RHYME

REMEMBERING THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

ROSE

SAVE ME A SEAT

SCATTERED

SECRET MEMORIES

SEE ME AS I AM

SENSUAL ANGELS

SHOPPING CARTS

SIDELINES

SOMEBODY’S NIGHTMARE

SONG FOR CHARLIE

SOUNDS OF FEAR

STAMPED AND DELIVERED

STICKS AND STONES

STONE ANGELS

STREETLIGHT MEMORIES

SWAPPED STORIES

SWEET LOVE

THE ART OF NOTHING

THE CAMPAIGN

THE DECEPTION OF A PICTURE

THIS IS LOVE

TOO MUCH BOB DYLAN

TRUE HAPPINESS

TRUST

WAKE THE F– UP

WHAT’S GOING ON?

YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW

A WASTED LIFE

A PRAYER FOR THE DYING

A SAD LADY PAINTS

A TRAMPLED ROSE

ALL I INTENDED TO BE

AN APPLE A DAY

AN ENDLESS CIRCLE

AS GOOD A DAY AS ANY TO DIE

AT MY EXPENSE

BECAUSE OF YOU

BEING NOBODY GOING NOWHERE

BREAD ON THE WATER

CONFUSION, DELUSION, WASTING TIME

DANCING FIREFLY

DISTURBIA

DO YOU SEE ME

DON’T FORGET ABOUT PEACE

DREAM-NO DREAM

EDEN

EXCERPT FROM MY LIFE

FINISH LATER

FLY AWAY

FREEDOM IS MINE

GOD’S FLOWER

GRIEVE

I AM THAT I AM

I WAIT

I WEPT

IN MY MISERY

INTENDED FATE

IT’S ALL IN THE MIX

JUST WHAT I AM

LIFE

LIMBO

LISTEN

LOVE’S DREAM

MIDNIGHT NEVER COME

MINDLESS WONDER

MOLDY BREAD

MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS

MY INVISIBLE SAVIOR

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS

ON THIS DAY

ONE LIFE

ONE SIX PACK AWAY FROM FREEDOM

ONE WORD

PONDERING

PRECIOUS TIME

RAINING ICE

REALITIES FAIRYTALE

RELIGION VERSUS ENLIGHTENMENT

REVELATIONS OF TRUTH

SOMEWHERE IN TIME

SEE THE CLOWN

SURRENDER TO REALITY

TAKE ME AWAY

THE DEVILS’ ROSE

THE DREAMING MIND

THE INVITED

THE PERFECT MOMENT

THE WALKER

THREE IS THE REASON

THUNDER AND LIGHTENING

TO BE OR NOT TO BE AUTISM SUCKS

USELESS GARBAGE

WAR COMES AS A THIEF IN THE NIGHT

WAR IN MY HEART

WEAKENED PASSIONS

WHAT IS THIS?

WHERE WERE YOU?

WHO LISTENS?

WHO WEEPS FOR GOD

WINDING WIND

WIZARDS

WORK-NO-WORK

YOU ARE

YOU GOT IT

A TANGLED MESS

BABIES AND BUTTERFLIES

BROKEN FLOWERS

CHILDREN OF THE SUN

CHOCOLATE KISSES

COLD STORY

ANGELS FROM HELL

COME GO WITH ME

CONFINED FREEDOM

DARKNESS FALLS

DESPERATION

DESTINED MISERY

DO YOU BELIEVE?

DO YOU DREAM?

DO YOU REALLY LOVE ME?

DOWN THIS LAST ROAD

EROS IN THE UNIVERSE

FALLEN BRIDGES

FOREVER

FRUIT AND WINE

HAIRBALLS, CATS, HAIRBALLS

HAPPY?

HEAR NOT

HERE I AM

HERE SHE WAS

IF IT WERE

INVISIBLE COLOR OF FREEDOM

IT ALL STARTED WITH––

I’VE LOST MY MIND

LAID OFF BUT NOT LAID UP

LANDMARKS

LEAVING

LET ME BE YOUR REASON

LIBERATION OF FORM

LOOK THROUGH ME

LOVE IS NOT

LOVING YOU BUT LETTING GO

MAD, MAD WORLD

MUSIC AND MADNESS

MY LIFE

MY THANKSGIVING

LOVER, LOVER COME TO ME

OLD SOCKS

ONCE UPON A STARRY SKY

ONLY DREAMING

PAINT MY FRIENDS

PAPER DOLL

PORTRAIT OF YOUTH

PRINCESS

RAIN

RAINBOWS AND FLOWERS

PAPER TRAILS

RUDE BOY

RUN STOP

SACRIFICE

SCATTERED THOUGHTS

SECRETS

SHATTERED

SHE WAS NEVER MINE

SING THE WIND

SO LONG LOVE

SUNDAY MORNING

TALK TO ME

TARRY NOT O’ LITTLE ONES

TATTERED AND TORN

THE DEVIL CAME TO STAY

THE KITCHEN FIRE

THE MASK

THE RED BALL

THE TRAVELERS’ FEAST

THE UNTIMELY DEATH OF SELF

THE WEDDING

THEN NOW EVER

TO VIRGINIA ON HER 24TH BIRTHDAY

WHERE WERE YOU?

WHAT DO YOU SAY

WHERE IS THE LOVE?

WHY MUST WE DESTROY WHAT WE NEED TO SURVIVE?

A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME

A SWEATSHIRT FOR LEONARD COHEN

ANGEL

BEAUTIFUL

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE GONE

BEFORE THE PAIN

BROKEN PERFECTION

CAUTIONED ACCESS

DAYLIGHT COMES

DESIRE-ERROR-DETECTED

DRESSED TO THE NINES

EARS TO HEAR

ECHOES

ENCHANTED

EXCERPT FROM MY LIFE

FADED GLORY

FALLEN RAIN

FASCINATION WITH WORDS

FAVOR ME A REPLY

I STOPPED TO STARE

I WANT

I’M NOT AFRAID

I’M WALKING AWAY

INCONVENIENT TRUTH

LISTENING

LOVES’ PRAYER

MAYBE WE’LL SEE

MISCELLANEOUS

MIX AND MATCH

NEARLY LOST

NIGHT COMES

NO BIRDS TODAY

OBJECT-DESTROY

OH MY GOSH

ONE SIDED LOVE

PICTURES

PURE SADNESS

RAIN AND WATERFALLS

RAINBOWS END

SEDUCTION OF THE FITTEST

SIMPLICITY DENIED

SIMPLIFIED IDIOT

SINS OF THE FATHER

SLEEPING IN THE SHADOWS

SNAKE IN THE GRASS

SOMEBODY’S EVERYTHING

SOMEDAY

SONG OF THE NIGHTINGALE

SOUP FOR SUPPER

STAND UP FOR YOUR LIFE

STOP IT PLEASE

STRANGE THINGS

SLIPPING AND SLIDING

SUNDAY MORNING BLUES

SYMBOLS

TABLE TOPS

TAKE THE END

TAKE THE STEP

THE ANGELS

THE CLEANEST MAN IN TOWN

THE COMEDIAN

THE FIGHT FOR TRUTH

THE JOKER

THE MISTAKE

THE WORLD WE LIVE IN

TIME PASSES

TRUTH BE KNOWN

UNINTENDED MISTAKE

UNMISTAKEN TRUTH

WAITING

WAITING AND WAITING

WAKE, WATCH, NEVER, FEAR

WAR IN MY HEART

WARRANTY EXPIRED

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

WHO LISTENS

WINTER OF FROZEN DREAMS

A BEATEN GOD

A RHYME OF WORDS

ANGELS IN RAGS

BLINDERS

BROKEN TREES

CAN’T HANDLE ME

CHOSEN FRIEND

CHRISTOPHER

CONFLICT AND PAIN

DR. SEUSS

EMOTIONS

FOLLOW

FRITTERS AWAY

FROM THE SMALLEST SEED

GLIMMER OF HOPE

GROWING UP

HASTE

HELPING HAND

HOLD ME IN YOUR HEART

HOLIDAYS

HOME

NEED YOU NOW

I’M COMING HOME

I’M GOING TO HEAVEN, HOW BOUT YOU?

JUDGMENT DREAM

LET THE CHILDREN COME

LIE

LOVE SITS ON A CONCRETE BENCH

MASHED POTATOES

ME A COMPUTER, SOME PAINT AND CANVAS

MEDICINE MAN

MEXICAN LOVE

MISTAKES OF HATE

MORNING SUNSHINE

MY REASON FOR WORDS

NAME THE WIND

OF THIS DREAM

OH SISTER MINE

ONE AND THE SAME

ONLY JUST A DREAM

PICTURES OF MY WORLD

PITBULL

READING AND WAITING

REMEMBER ME

ROCKING BONES

SALT

SCREAM

SING, SING

SLEEP THE KEY

SNAP, SNAP SHUTTER BUG

SOFT AND SWEET

STAY FOREVER MINE

SUNSHINE

TEARS OF A CLOWN

THANKFULNESS AND GRATEFULNESS

THE COST

THE JUDGE

THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMELS BACK

THE TIME IS NOW

THE TRUTH OF HATE

THE WHOLE

THEREFORE

TO BE HUNGRY

TO DANCE

TODAY

TODAY WE SANG THANK YOU

TREES

TRUTH

UNINSURED ACCIDENT

WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL

WEDDING BLUES

WHAT IF?

WHAT IF IT WAS YOUR CHILD

WHERE I AM CALLED

WHOSE IN CHARGE

I dedicate this book to my children: Jimmy Paul, Miranda Jean, Virginia May, and my husband Jimmy. Thank you so much for your love and support.

Acknowledgements: The cover art was painted by Joy Olree. It is acrylic on canvas. It represents coffee cup stains on a table in a restaurant.

Two of the poems What If and Growing Up were written by Virginia May Whitney/Lak, my daughter.

INTRODUCTING ME THE OFFICIAL/ UNOFFICIAL AUTISTIC POET

I am a tortured soul. Autistic maybe talented you decide. I have been writing poems most of my life, I’m 56. I write every day. I never know when the words will come. They come when I’m driving down the road, sitting in the doctors’ office, or when I’m trying to sleep. I sleep with pen and paper to catch the words that come when I’m in bed. Often in bed, a poem forms in my mind, but I am too tired to write it down. I roll and tumble all night, afraid the words will be gone by morning, but the words are always there, waiting. These words want to be heard, so it must be Gods’ will.

I was born to normal parents, but I’m not normal. Sometimes in public I behave inappropriately. My mom died when I was 16, dad remarried. I was raised a Christian. All, dad wanted was for me to get a job, marry, have children and be a Christian. I’m old and stubborn. My fashion style is comfortable. I wear jogging suits and crocs; the fashion police would not be happy.

I have been married 3 times, divorced twice. I have 3 children, and 7 grandchildren. My 2nd daughter just got married so I expect more grandchildren. I love my children, husband, grandchildren and family. My son is a brick mason: he has been married twice, divorced once, and has 3 children. My 1st daughter has been married 3 times divorced twice. She has 4 girls. I and the girls have not seen her in 7 years. I do get to talk to her on the phone. My 2nd daughter Virginia just got married, she is a school teacher.

About 5 years ago I read an article in Psychology Today about a woman who has Asperger’s, sure sounded like me, but at 56, you can forget about getting an official diagnosis. No one seems to care but me.

My handwriting is terrible my typing too but with the invention of computers my spelling is great. In 11 years I have only fried 1 hard drive, lightening took out the other. Viruses stalk me spammers court me, phishing is not a fishing term, and not all Trojans are condoms. But against all odds I write poems. I give them away, enter them in contests; submit them to magazines and wherever else I can. I read one at my daughter Virginias wedding and I once read some in a coffee shop. My poems have been published in Ceremony and on the Sheltered Poet blog, and if you Google my name you can find my poems online. All the poems in this book are written by me except for 2, What If and Growing Up, which were written by Virginia (Whitney) Lak, my daughter.

People read my poems and laugh some cry. My poems can be happy, or sad, I write from my heart and there’s little happiness there. I see goodness in the world but so much sin, that when pen comes to paper even love takes on sadness. These poems are created from the millions of words entering my mind every day. Are these poems the ravings of a madwoman? Am I happy? I laugh, I cry, I love God, Jesus, my husband, children, grandchildren and family, but the tragedy in the world makes me sad. I constantly ask God how he can watch and let this continue. He hasn’t answered yet, so I write poems.

DEFINITATIONS–-THIS MEANS THAT

Powers that be: Anyone that has or is thought to have power over us.

Walking dead or asleep: People who are alive in the physical sense, but their awareness is not in the now.

Illusory: this means that things are not as they appear to our senses.

Enlightenment: This is a Buddhist term used to describe being aware of the truth of reality.

Man made Gods: This is any one or thing besides Jesus and God that we worship.

Manifestations of matter: Scientists say if we look at anything through a high powered microscope we will see it is not solid but is really matter moving very fast in a field of energy. It moves so fast that to our eyes is appears solid.

Free will/no control: I believe we have free will to choose to worship God or not. Free will to choose to sin or not, but we don’t have free will to choose things like gravity, our parents, whether we are male or female etc… these things we have no control over and because we have no control we have no real freedom. God has all the control and we can’t be free from him.

For 18 years I ran from Christianity because I had committed a sin I believed God would not forgive me for. I was miserable. I believed when I died, I was going to Hell. During these 18 years I studied many

religions. I know many of my earlier poems reflect these studies. I am now again a Christian.

SHORT LIFE

Old enough to care but

young enough to see the

missed chances I’ll never

have.

Old enough to feel what

will never be, but young

enough to accept what is.

Scared of life’s other side

yet secure in the reward

for a life well lived.

Oh Lord take my soul keep

it safe in your kingdom for

I am leaving behind family

who love me.

Who could have known a

short life would be mine,

but it is, now a long life

in paradise I have.

Mother, father don’t cry

for me, because God is

taking care of me just as

you did.

A THOUGHT

Simple solutions

seem obscene,

fractured realities

the norm. Is it just

my twisted mind,

or is there more to

reality than meets

the eyes?

BABIES GROW UP

Crying becomes screaming,

smiles become frowns,

turning over, pulling up,

crawling, walking, leaving

home, the evolution of babies.

Music, candles, wine and dance,

the evolution of sex.

Sex makes babies, babies grow

up, the end.

WHOSE AUTHORITY?

This morning you preached about authority,

saying we would give answer, then at the

close of the sermon you said the night’s

service would be short so that the seniors

could be honored.

So with the free will I was given I choose to

worship at a church that does not put seniors

above the worship of God.

I will give answer, so I ask, who is your

authority, who told you it was acceptable to

put the seniors above the worship of God?

Would you want God to cut his devotion to

you short?

I know you did worship God, just not as long

as usual so the graduating seniors of the church

could be honored. Well I hope when you stand

before God, he does not cut you short and say,

depart I know you not.

Now I have nothing against seniors, in fact I have

been one myself twice, but no senior ever died