Football Rage!: The Trequel to Football Mad! and Football Wild!

By KPC Exall

Football Rage! follows in the footsteps of Football Mad! and Football Wild! and concludes the Football Satires Trilogy.

Following the abysmal efforts of Team England at the last Football World Cup, a wave of protests has taken the football fraternity by surprise. Excess is no longer acceptable at a time of austerity and the fans are claiming their forgotten right to exercise some control over their favourite team.

The demise of the old regime sends political tremors and plots abound at the very heart of Football governance as well as in the media circus. Change is in the air, sometimes welcome, often feared.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jun 23, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456783914

KPC Exall

Born in Norwich, KPC Exall first discovered the thrill of football as a child and has been a supporter of his city's Football Club ever since. A keen sport follower and globe trotter, KPC Exall uses satire and parody to convey the destructive impact of money in sport.

Book preview

Contents

Part 1 - The Blame Game

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Part 2 - Tantrums, Lies & Videotapes

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Part 3 - Shock & Denial

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Part 4 - The Nutton {Revolution

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Part 5 - Broken Families

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Part 6 - The Tigers of Wrath

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Part 7 - Football is all the Rage

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

A

cknowledgement

Thanks to my wife Sylvie for ‘her unshakeable support throughout the writing ofthe trequel to « Football Mad! » and « Football ‘Wild! ». During the writing ofthe Football Satires Trilogy, she provided invaluable input on character and plot development with great humour and tenacity.

Cast of Characters

StandKleer and Media Gurus

Chuck Standard

Krystal Kleer aka KK

Claire Vision

Willie Hackett

Will Wright-Balls

Ivor Skeam

Jill Wyborn

Kurt Wallop

Dragana Labic

Ishat A Brick

Footy Pros

Frank Largebottem

Todd Dudd aka Mr Toad

Albert Hinchcliffe

Don Chameleone

Diego Junket Junket

Ern Cash

Rich Victor

Raul Ovar

Jesus Donaldhino

Prima Doner League

Hugh Woodnoe

Izy Fawreel

Ex-Agents Provocateurs

Jack da Ripa

N’Gamey Lua

The Governors

Lord Jim Nasium - Sports Czar

Wayne Carr - Sports Minister

Ruud Ghit - €uros

Knut Livshitz - FAFF

Mustapha Khota - OAF

Wu Pei Ju - OFAL Ken Fixit

Bean Counters

Abe Acus

Dougie BevyBeveridge

Ben Litefingers

Nat Gross

Movers and Sheikhers

Sheikh Ali Zinade

Sheikh Wasim Wasabi

Wana Deel

Prem Guru-Khan

Viral Sosoon

Shirley Worthit

Andy Sturitt QC

The 3 Graces

Norah Beaune

Fig Titius

Gloria Concepción

Preface

When England qualified for the 2010 World Cup, hopes were high that a successful tournament would rekindle passion for Team England. Having returned empty handed after its worst ever result at a World Cup, Team England’s only consolation was it was not as bad at Team France! On the domestic front, clubs in the Prima Doner League, or PDL, were going bust or restructuring to restore financial sanity and the €uros’ weapons of mass destruction were in full swing, asking for signs of financial probity and ethics, terms forgotten in the local parlance.

That sports event in South Africa had generated more anger. The stars manufactured by StandKleer TV broadcasts had bombed, as did their key transmissions. Global governance started to disintegrate as whole regions of world football were ignored and football’s grassroots remained undeveloped.

With the new political landscape, the era of coalition, belt tightening and austerity measures had a profound impact on ordinary people’s reaction to the excesses of the football community. Domestic football continued to be praised endlessly, regardless of performance, by compliant media. Investors, however, started to up sticks, and look east to create a replica offshore league at realistic costs and develop indigenous football.

The pressure that had built up at the time of the Who Killed English Football? enquiry was now turning into universal rage and meant change was inevitable. Owners were ready to depart, but who were the replacements? Could an independent media emerge? Would the game’s governance start to reflect its constituency?

Part 1 - The Blame Game

« Make yourselfsheep and the wolves will eatyou. »

Benjamin Franklin

Chapter 1

The atmosphere in the room was icy to say the least. This was mori global freezing.

Hugh Woodnoe and Izy Fawreel had recently been appointed join heads of the Prima Doner League, solely because the previous Chie had scarpered to join another tribe, allegedly.

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘What is the correct term for a bunch of clubs ii administration? A gaggle?’

Izy Fawreel: ‘More like a brotherhood of some sort. Criminal spring: to mind.’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘When I see revenue of X and expenditure of 8X, I fee they never got our memo on responsible spending.’

Izy Fawreel: ‘Not a new event, Hugh, it’s just that last year wai definitely the worst. We only found out from the questionnaire we sen to the clubs. Luckily we did not rely on the clubs’ accounts which ar< months if not years late and suffer a chronic transparency bypass.’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘With that revenue cost ratio, surely the accounts wen qualified?’

The phone rang. Abe Acus, senior bean counter at Tachi Felee’i Football Division, was waiting in reception. He was swiftly shown intc the conference room.

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘Thanks for coming over, Abe. Discussing finance matters seems easier for us when we are all in the same room.’

Abe was pretty sure that was not a compliment: ‘I take it you’re worried about Nutton. Frank Largebottem’s back there, so I can see where you are coming from.’

Izy Fawreel: ‘Have you seen their spending? What an utter disaster! As auditors we expected you to exert some control. Their last accounts were caveat city. OK, the list of so-called owners excludes the Taliban, but that’s as far as it goes.’

Abe Acus: ‘Well, Izy, they all passed the Sweet’s fit person test.’

Izy Fawreel: ‘The fit person test? Come on, Abe, we all know this is not a stringent test. The bar is just a buried lump of metal.’

Abe Acus: ‘I don’t think Frank would welcome that description.’

Izy Fawreel: ‘We know Frank’s heart is in the right place. So do the punters, you know those people who are ripped off every Saturday at the gate and then again at the club shop.’

Hugh often wondered if Izy had morphed into a socialist thinker.

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘Abe, where are we on Nutton’s spot of bother and, to be clear, I don’t mean no left back, world shortage or not?’

Abe Acus: ‘In a nutshell, their administrator is sorting through the debts and prioritising creditors, as we speak. It’s out of our hands, as any Scottish goalie might say.’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘Your liquidation division is handling this, so please cut out the usual reference to Chinese walls. Next you’ll tell us that agents were correctly paid one hundred million last season.’

Abe Acus: ‘The PDL should not have authorised all those invoices or rather brown envelopes.’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘Very witty Abe, particularly for a bean counter, but frankly this situation is life threatening. Can you change your usual modus operandi and do something to help, preferably in advance of the whole thing going belly-up?’

Abe Acus: ‘Unfortunately where Nutton’s concerned, the big money is on a belly flop. The debts can be side stepped by administration, but after that, costs are stuck for another two to three years. Their revenue is below a quarter of costs and is shrinking by the hour. Even without debts this is not a going concern.’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘Nutton, as I’m sure you know, were founder members of the league, two centuries ago. This catastrophe cannot be allowed to happen. What do their new shareholders say?’

Abe Acus: ‘You mean the NOBs, the Nutton Overseas Board domiciled in Grand Cayman, with nominee directors, their shareholding received via loan default.’

Izy Fawreel: ‘Plainly, a bare faced scam!’

Abe Acus: ‘Unlikely but not impossible. Hard to see how the NOBs could be deemed fit persons. They conceal plenty, not least their identity. Apparently the NOBs appointed Frank Largebottem, under the club’s constitution.’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘You seem well qualified to judge Nutton’s situation. Can anything be done short-term?’

Abe Acus: ‘Eliminate creditors completely, reduce interest payments on non-bank debt and convert remaining debt to equity.’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘Abe, you’re beginning to sound like an auditor. Not missing your medication, I hope.’

Abe Acus: ‘OK, I’ll give an off the record call to the Administrator, see what can be done.’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘It’s really the least you can do for us, Abe. We’ve done a lot for you over the years. A limit on how many clubs one firm can audit would be terribly inconvenient, don’t you think?’

Abe detected that threat, loud and clear. He promptly departed.

Izy Fawreel: ‘We only collect one quarter of the TV revenue compared to the good old days. Gate receipts have plateaued, ditto merchandise.’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘We just have to cut the take of those movers and shakers.’

Izy Fawreel: ‘You mean the indispensable ones, without whom the PDL would cease to exist.’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘Yes, the very same.’

Izy Fawreel: ‘The players?’

Hugh Woodnoe: ‘No, the agents!’

Chapter 2

In the heart of Lancashire, things were stirring. The NOBs had reunited Largebottem with Nutton, the club he supported as a child, played for as a young adult and managed as a repetitive offender. A deal had been sealed with the powers that be to grant Frank immunity, so no need for swine flu vaccine. He was also released from the confines of Lesotho where managing the national team had been the kind of experience he would neither repeat nor recommend to others.

There had been a clear out at Nutton FC. The Chairman had been fired whilst in jail. Management and coaching staff had departed. Deidre, now past retirement, was still sparing around in the office mostly tea making, so no real change. Albert Hinchcliffe offered his ill-defined local services. Frank had a new assistant, none other than N’Gamey Lua, former agent to the stars. Apparently the bars and restaurants of Southern Africa had spurned a new father and son relationship of sorts.

N’Gamey Lua: ‘So Frank, how did you make it with the NOBs?’

Frank Largebottem: ‘You know me, I’m a bare it all kind of guy! They were looking for someone with the right values. The Fidel Farters’ campaign left a deep impression on them. They had wind of it and were blown away! Close links with the local community are vital, so they tell me. Remember the NOBs covered these parts originally.’

N’Gamey Lua: ‘Not quite the same NOBs as we’ve seen before, then?’

Frank Largebottem: ‘Yes, it’s an unfortunate acronym, a bit like OAF for football in Africa.’

N’Gamey Lua: ‘By the way, Jack da Ripa phoned. He’s hoping we can help on the fees due him, several million pounds, apparently.’

Frank Largebottem: ‘Ah, I thought he might make contact. He found the number in the archives of his dusty little black book. Honestly, all you can do is to give him the name of the administrator.’

N’Gamey Lua: ‘So financials are off limits?’

Frank Largebottem: ‘Anything connected to what happened up to last Tuesday is. New records began on Wednesday. The New Dawn, as the local rag calls it, is all to do with us and nothing to do with Deirdre’s future replacement!’

N’Gamey Lua: ‘OK. Presumably our top priority is preparation for the new season. Any idea what we’ll be left with once the trapdoor shuts?’

Frank Largebottem: ‘I appointed Albert head of what I call the ALcademy. He’ll give us his assessment of talent pools very soon.’

The phone rang, Deidre picked up: ‘Frank, it’s a member of the press.’ She put the call straight through.

Grudgingly Frank answered, only to discover an old adversary on the line, Will Wright-Balls, one of Fleet Street’s finest.

Frank Largebottem: ‘Well, well, Will, still scribbling rubbish about the PDL then!’

Will Wright-Balls: ‘Hello to you Frank and welcome back to English football and the greatest league in the world. What’s it like working with NOBs?’

Frank Largebottem: ‘Titillating but not much different to working with nutters. Still with the Telegrope I gather?’

Will Wright-Balls: ‘Head football writer at your service, now with my own daily Twitter feed or podcast for the less advanced. That’s enough about me, fascinating though it is. Tell me Frank, what’s all this about fans’ trust? Is this really what the NOBs want?’

Frank Largebottem: ‘You must have heard that club ownership by the fans with biennial elections of the board is the way forward. The Coop movement originated here and we’re going to replicate it.’

Will Wright-Balls: ‘Will three fans be enough to set up a trust?’

Frank Largebottem: ‘It’s good to see an open mind or is it space coming to the fore in our dynamic and independent media. We attract over twenty thousand supporters per game and you can add the thousands around the world. We are talking six figures Willy boy!’

Will Wright-Balls: ‘I feel I should be impressed, so at least you’ll stay on instead of scarpering to another landlocked country.’

Frank Largebottem: ‘You sound threatened, harassed even. What is it — fear of the unknown or could it be the loss of all those PDL privileges?’

Will Wright-Balls: ‘Just doing my investigative best. You know, spot a turkey before it becomes a twizzler.’

Frank Largebottem: ‘Your only investigation is where to best place your lips on the proverbial bottom to garner maximum return. Anyway Will, enough chit chat. Was there a point to your call?’

Will Wright-Balls: ‘My readers will want to know what your chances are of remaining in the PDL. After all, you can’t afford the normal PDL star player quality, going forward. The kitty is empty! And, there’s still the Nutton long ball style to contend with. You know the air traffic problem that causes.’

Frank Largebottem: ‘You’ll just have to make your own assessment. Ah, but I forgot, you don’t do your own analysis, just print those press releases. Isn’t there one to hand?’

Will gave up and that concluded the first press interface since the New Dawn. Frank returned to his discussion with N’Gamey. Albert burst into the room, in his old hunter outfit.

Albert Hinchcliffe: ‘Are salaries sorted for the Academy?’

Frank Largebottem: ‘Get to the point, Albert. The Administrator directed that all players and staff be paid as usual. I detect some rumblings down at the Meadow?’

Albert Hinchcliffe: ‘The kids want reassurance and pocket money, given what rubbish they read in the press.’

Frank Largebottem: ‘Tell them to hold tight and concentrate on training. There’s more to come. We’ve just had a call from the Telegrope or should I say the PDL’s press office. I detect the NOBs will very soon be profiled.’

N’Gamey Lua: ‘When will they announce the fan ownership concept for Nutton?’

Frank Largebottem: ‘Once the Administrator gives the all clear, probably sometime next week.’

Back at the Telegrope, Will Wright-Balls was busy instructing his new assistant, Drag, short for Dragana, Labic, a long legged and shapely Montenegrin. Will had embraced the concept of hiring new European immigrants, particularly good looking females with a degree in propaganda.

But, he had not anticipated that Drag’s tiny home country would suddenly demonstrate what all and sundry intrinsically knew — Montenegrins are better at football than us!

Will Wright-Balls: ‘Your first mission is to investigate the