What If ?: The Revised Edition

By Mike Howarth-Baker

This book is about my experiences and views of my life long issues and what i felt and experienced whilst changing my life, and how sometimes when you clean up all your hidden memories come flooding back. I had a lot to deal with, and had to overcome them.
Learning different ways and behaviors to understand my past and move on, and find a different way of living. My poetry came in recovery as a way of dealing with my issues and it helped me. so now what i have learned is to, share what i`ve been through, But from within were no-one can reach you unless you know the thoughts and feeling from your own experiences.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Oct 7, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456797454

Mike Howarth-Baker

I am 49 yrs and over the past 12yrs i have been through a major life change, I grew up in what might be called a broken family unit. i have been through many traumas and troubles whilst growing up. In 1999 i had a major brake down, which caused me to loose everything, my home, my job and access to my son. I ended up homeless and Was sent in to Rehab, However my issues started way before that, and i had to deal with being clean and learn to live with My Addictions. Now i am in Recovery and trying to live my life as best as i can, yet never forgetting I am an Addict.

Book preview

Chapter one,

AN INTRODUCTION

At the beginning of my Recovery I lost everything, I hit rock bottom, I tried so hard to live life on life’s terms with out any kind of substances or alcohol dependency. I was told I had to keep away from anything to do with drugs and people using at the time.

But that was hard, because most of my friends were using and didn’t have any problems using drugs or being in that way of life. I didn’t relies I had issues deep down, hidden away.

For every relapse it became worse every time, with feelings of Anger, Disappointment and Frustration. Feeling that I was no good and I was letting everyone down, I could not stop, and the more I tried the more I would remember things from my past, it was like day time nightmares. I suffered with paranoia and anxiety; I became so scared of everyday people and life without the masks and behaviours.

I tried counselling and therapies, everything that was suggested, the only place I felt safe was in the meetings with people who knew how I was feeling and knew how to be with me. A lot of people tried to help me through, but it was not enough.

Within a year I had lost my job, my home and access to my son. My family turned against me, and I had to stop being around my old friends, so I ended up homeless and frequently visiting A&E through self injuries. I Hated myself, and blamed myself for being a total letdown.

My friends who were supporting at that time could see I was falling apart and losing it. My doctor felt I was becoming suicidal and at risk of harming my self badly. I did not know what to do or where to go, so he arraigned for me to go in to Rehab to help me. I had to be taken in by a friend, because I would have run if I went by myself.

I asked them to do what ever it takes to save my life and to help me deal with my issues, and I would do what ever they said, no matter what I said or did to fight against their Rules and Therapy. And so it began.

CHAPTER ONE

The beginning of a new way of life,

Mike Howarth-Baker

HALF WAY THROUGH A NEW LIFE.

THIS IS NOT A STORY OR A TALE, THIS IS A LIFE OF