Finding the Common Ground: Marriage Vs Divorce

By Pastor Teresa S. Johnson

Loaded with tasteful humor tailored to fit and soothe the ache of heart-wrenching situations, this book will help you to resuscitate your marriage. Tender subjects are visited and dealt with in a pragmatic way that will bring life to dead situations. The tips and advice packed within the pages of this small book will force you to rethink divorce and separation as well as begin a new journey to wholeness. After all, marriage is for the mature of heart.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 23, 2013
• ISBN: 9781491825396

Pastor Teresa S. Johnson

Teresa S. Johnson is the pastor and founder of REAPERS For Christ Ministries. As a minister with a drive for excellence and self-betterment, she is eagerly pursuing a Doctor of Ministry degree with a specialization in Pastoral Counseling. Teresa believes wholeheartedly in marriage, which is proven by her level of commitment to her own husband. She and her husband, Eric, are blessed to celebrate 24 years of marriage. Through trial and error, Teresa has learned the fundamentals for a healthy marriage. As she freely shares this wisdom, it enables her to openly and accurately minister to the struggles faced by other married couples, as well as highlight the joys. Finding the Common Ground is truly insightful and it will encourage, strengthen, and revitalize you in your marriage.

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© 2013 by Pastor Teresa S. Johnson. All rights reserved.

The author guarantees all contents are original and do not infringe upon the legal rights of any other person or work. No part of the book may be reproduced in any form without the permission of the author. The views expressed in this book are not necessarily those of the publisher.

Published by AuthorHouse 10/18/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4918-2541-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-2536-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-2539-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013918162

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Dedication

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1: The Nature of Marriage

Chapter 2: Time to Sweat

Chapter 3: Random Facts, Myths and Thoughts

Chapter 4: I DO

Chapter 5: A Boat Load of Wisdom

Chapter 6: The Survey says

Chapter 7: Till Death Do us Part

Chapter 8: I Thought I knew you

Chapter 9: Rebuild me

Chapter 10: Shipwrecked

Chapter 11: Marriage Certificates for sale

Chapter 12: The Common Ground

Notes

About The Author

About The Book

Questionnaire

All scripture verses are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, KING JAMES VERSION (KJV) unless otherwise indicated. KJV Giant Print Reference Bible. Copyright 1994 by the Zondervan Corporation. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblical. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE. Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Contemporary English Version. Copyright 1995 American Bible Society. All rights reserved.

The Comparative Study Bible, New American Standard (NAS), Amplified (AB) New American Standard Version copyright. The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. A Corporation not for profit. La Habra, California. All Rights Reserved.

The Amplified Bible, copyright 1965; The Amplified Bible, Old Testament, Part One, Copyright 1964; The Amplified Old Testament Part Two, copyright 1962 by the Zondervan Corporation; The Amplified New Testament, copyright 1958, 1987; The Amplified Gospel of John, Copyright 1954, 1987 by the Lockman Foundation La Habra, CA 90631. All Rights Reserved.

The use of all information gathered through a survey of questions is used in part or entirely in this book. No names are used, as the surveys are anonymous. Only those married, separated, divorced or widowed were surveyed. The questionnaire was created by Roxanne Ledbetter, Ericka Johnson and author, Teresa S. Johnson.

All information found in quotations throughout the book is listed in the Notes section in the back of the book.

REAPERS for Christ Ministries

PO Box 4605

Midlothian, Virginia 23112

Email: [e-mail]

Website: http://www.reapersforchristministries.org

Editors:

Ericka N. Johnson

Roxanne Ledbetter

Black and White Images:

Ericka N. Johnson

DEDICATION

I wrote this book solely because I believe in strong marriages. Too many times, marriages, Christian and non-Christian, have dissolved for reasons that could be considered cop-outs or excuses. Though some may disagree, the sobering fact is that none of those dissolved marriages had firm foundations. I am not naïve to the fact that while some marriages last, the reality is that many of those surviving marriages are not built on firm foundations either.

All marriages are not the same. They do not start out the same and they do not end up the same. But at the core of every marriage, the principles should be the same to ensure that each person gains the respect, consideration, and the love due them. If even one of these factors is missing, the foundation is not sturdy. You wouldn’t build a house that you know may cave, would you? Why construct a marriage that could do the same?

This book is dedicated to the following:

To those who are committed to staying the course. You have tried everything you know to try and maybe it still is not where you want it to be, or how you expected. Now is your time to allow God to show you what your diligence will and has produced in this season.

To those who gave it your best and he or she still walked away, there is still life in you. There is still love and passion within you. There is still a fervent hope for tomorrow. Reflect on the overall picture and learn from the mistakes that were made, regardless to who made them.

To those who desire to be married, come see what thus says the Lord. Get firsthand knowledge from those who have already experienced what you are about to embark upon. Be sure you know what it is to be single before you get married. Spend some time with yourself, enjoying you. Become a complete, functioning, stable, happy person on your own. Find out who you are and what you want, need and desire before becoming one with another with wants, needs and desires. In marriage, two half beings do not make a whole being; they make a fourth of a person. Two wholes make a whole.

Finally, to all those contemplating marriage, in the words of Judge Mablean, LOOK DEEP, BEFORE YOU LEAP.

FOREWORD

Marriage can and should be a beautiful thing. As I look back over 25 years of marriage I realize that your marriage is what you make it. The initial stages of marriage is somewhat of a fairy tale. You are so in love with your spouse and it’s hard to see faults. You can readily say to your spouse that I love you.

As time goes on reality sets in, and now you begin to see several faults. You recognize that your spouse is different from you in many ways. The question is can you learn to love this person? If you pass this test you will now enter a stage called Mature Love. Now you will learn to appreciate the differences. When problem solving arises you will have the advantage of looking at the situation from more than one angle.

Pastor Teresa Johnson, who is one of my daughters in Ministry has written this book to empower Marriages. As you read this book, you will learn some valuable lessons given from the heart of a woman, who has some experience with marriage to back up her findings. Learn the principles and apply them to your marriage, then you will join the other married couples who have stepped into that stage called Mature Love.

Bishop Robertson

Bishop Daniel Robertson, Jr. and Co-Pastor Elena Robertson

The Home of Overcomers

Mt. Gilead Full Gospel International Ministries: The Debt Free Church

Richmond, Virginia

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I thank God for all the wisdom and revelation that He has shown me as it relates to marriage and relationships. Without God’s grace and peace in the midst of my own marriage, I would not be writing this book today. Only the God of Love can truly show us how to love and understand the institution that He created.

To my husband, Eric: You survived! We have had good years, and we have had some not so good years, but one thing is certain, the good outweighs the not so good, and I know without doubt that the best is yet to come.

To my daughter, Ericka: Early on in the marriage, we painted a portrait of marriage that caused you to say, I’m never getting married. Prayerfully, with this newly painted portrait, if you choose not to marry, it will be because you simply prefer to stay single.

To my parents (Clarence and Aletha Streat) and my siblings (Clarence Streat, Jr., Sheila Streat, Douglas Streat, Fredric Streat (deceased), Donnel Streat, Michael Streat, Tameka Streat, and Kim Henderson): The majority of you know marriage or divorce all too well. But whether you are single, married or divorced, I know you love hard. My prayer is that you do not allow anyone or anything to strip that degree of love from you.

To REAPERS for Christ: Marriage is honorable in the sight of God. Never take love for granted. Never miscalculate or underestimate the power or importance of love. Love is a gift. For God so loved the world that He gave… When you love, you give.

To my Spiritual Covering, Bishop Daniel Robertson, Jr., and Co-Pastor Elena Robertson, Mt. Gilead Full Gospel International Ministries, Richmond, Virginia: I glean from you both continuously as you carry out the mandates on your lives. Thank you for demonstrating how a godly marriage should be and for being a true example to the body of Christ. My husband and I appreciate all that you do for others and we bless God for using you as a much needed godly example in the earth.

To my mentor, Pastor Bessie Tish Taylor Jett, Church without Walls: I am grateful for your wisdom. I appreciate your transparency, as well as your determination. Life’s experiences have a way of teaching practical, yet applicable lessons. I understand that Marriage is a dance, not a fight.

To the Reader: Remember to love with your whole heart without repentance and without condition. Right now, you are in for the ride of your life, get comfortable and read on, knowing that no matter where you find yourself today, there is something in this book that will minister to you.

INTRODUCTION

The sanctity of marriage appears to be diminishing in the eyes of many spouses as they find themselves dealing with difficult issues such as: infidelity, broken promises, boredom, and loss of material possessions. Instead of fighting for marital longevity, many spouses will end the marriage without much thought. Divorce has become the preferred alternative to living within the confines of an unhappy marriage.

Instead of managing the negative feelings that arise and working through obstacles as a unit, people simply refuse to try or they quit before they can see any signs of progress. What they do not realize, often until it’s too late, is that divorce goes far beyond the legal act. It spreads, causing physical, mental, emotional, and psychological damage to everyone involved or related.

Finding the alternative to this spiritual sever would mean finding the middle ground between marriage and divorce. Surely, there must be a way to preserve the sacredness of a holy union that doesn’t require enduring constant emotional pain or boredom. If we can discover this middle ground or alternative, then we can begin to treat the wounds that are inflicted upon spouses as a result of married life and rebuild relationships of trust and respect. Rebuilding marriages is the beginning of breaking the cycle of divorce.

My study will address the issues and concerns of the average marriage. The intent is to give insight as to what constitutes a healthy marriage and offer hope to those who feel trapped in unhappy marriages. Through use of surveys, journals, articles, and books, I have conducted research that will offer preventative measures to all parties involved in an effort to end divorce. Information will be presented to help couples in distress, as well as couples looking to enhance the quality of their marriage.

I consciously promote marriage and I believe that the sanctity of a holy union can and must be upheld, which is why I chose this topic. I have invested twenty four years of sweat, tears, compromise and bliss into my own marriage. Through the years, my husband and I have grown tremendously. Although he would probably see things differently about my next statement, I think ten of those twenty-four years were wing it years, meaning we were just making things up as we went, in order to get by. At least seven years were amazing; four years were geared toward understanding the realities of marriage; and in my opinion, three years were disastrous, though not necessarily three consecutive years. Nevertheless, I have experienced enough to form a valid and relevant opinion and understanding of the subject.

Given that so many marriages end in divorce for various reasons, it is my mission to use those reasons to locate the common ground between marriage and divorce. In other words, I am seeking a way to prevent divorce, while simultaneously protecting both spouses from the harm that they would inflict on each other, whether consciously or unconsciously, by staying married. If divorce is a disease, I am researching and experimenting in order to develop an antidote that will save lives.

I happen to know that in order to obtain quality results with honest feedback, the best place to start an experiment of this caliber is at home. Therefore, I have decided to be the curse breaker in my family. Unquestionably, I am passionate about staying the course in my marriage, which involves long suffering. I am not a glutton for punishment, but it is my desire to see others live out a healthy marriage as well. If I can blaze a trail or be an example to show that a healthy marriage is possible, my mission will be complete.

Chapter 1: The Nature of Marriage

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Matt Slick wrote that Marriage is a sacred institution established by God for the primary purpose of bringing Him glory. When I read this, I thought about my own marriage. It dawned on me that when I initially got married, my focus wasn’t necessarily on bringing God glory, but on having a long, happy marriage.

The unfortunate truth is that bringing God glory through a marriage covenant is the last thing on most couple’s minds when they make their vows. It certainly wasn’t something that crossed my mind when I said I do. I knew I didn’t believe in divorce, nor did I ever expect to file for one. I vowed that when I married my husband, I would live with him, love him, respect him, and be faithful to him because he loved me, treated me well, and was faithful to me.

If asked, many people would eagerly agree that marriage is give and take. In order for the relationship to remain somewhat balanced and beneficial for both parties, it is necessary for both spouses to contribute what they can to the relationship in an effort to maintain partner and role equality. No one wants to give a relationship, whether friendly or romantic, all of their effort and energy, only to be met with half-attempts and aloofness. It is an insult rooted in unfairness and it places all of the weight of the relationship on one person, while the other is completely free.

In this way, the relationship between two individuals is like a see-saw. If equal weight is placed on both ends, the seats will balance and both participants will be seated on equal levels. However, if one participant holds more or all of the weight, their position will lower dramatically in comparison to the other. This is a basic principle. Unfortunately, some spouses tend to lean more toward taking and they forget to give.

The lack of contribution is a major factor that goes into the equation of many divorces. Though it’s easy to point out the issues, it’s hard to apply the solutions. Most couples can see considerable room for improvement, but they struggle with finding ways to bring about such improvement.

Susan Heitler says, Learning to be good at marriage is a lifelong project. In order to succeed, one must practice and constantly evolve. It’s the lengthiest project I have ever undertaken. This type of commitment requires the investment of your time as well as your heart. It requires you to determine what kind of partner you will be and what you will do to ensure that you can indeed be that person. You must consider the role that you wish to take on, as well as the various duties.

It takes two to maintain a successful marriage and there are two separate roles because there are two spouses. Each spouse has a different skill set or ability that he or she excels in and is responsible for learning his or her role only. When I talk about roles, I don’t mean the wife is bare foot and pregnant, and the husband is some strapping lad who brings home the bacon. Nor do I mean that the husband is the house father, while the wife provides for the family. I am referring to her strong suits, gifts, talents and abilities that are contributed to the marriage, as well as his.

In my experience, I have found that issues tend to arise when I try to take over my husband’s role, or when he tries to take over mine. For example, we have agreed that I am better with finances than he is. Every now and then he might criticize me, suggesting that I am falling short in my responsibilities with finances. Depending on how I respond to his criticism, it may cause a knee jerk reaction. At least twice throughout our marriage, I challenged him to take over the responsibilities since it appeared so easy to him. It wasn’t two weeks before he apologized and happily placed the responsibility back on me.

Another example would be that we agree that he is highly respected for his thorough research, especially before making an investment. However, because of his commitment to finding the answers or making the best investment, etc., every now and then I may suggest that he is falling short in those areas. I expect him to work just as hard on projects I deem worthy. Since I know he is well able, I might preach to him when I think he is falling short in responsibilities. The point I’m making is, allow your spouse to do what they do best without your interference. Both spouses have to stay in their lanes unless the situation dictates otherwise.

I believe learning our individual role and playing only that role would benefit the marriage and make married life so much easier. I ditto Susan Heitler, Opening the doors to many of life’s most rewarding blessings, from sharing a cup of coffee in the morning, to sharing a bed at night. One thing I have learned is that anything worth having is worth working for. When you are prepared to work for what you want, it shows as a sign of maturity, which is required in any marriage.

When a couple determines to invest in the longevity of marriage, it’s not just about stacking up the years. What good are voluminous years if they are filled with torturous memories? If you are going to work to improve your marriage, a good place to begin would be to take pleasure in the accomplishments and successes of the marriage.

The fact that you make it through a weekend without arguing when you know you normally can’t get through a day, is an accomplishment. It screams growth, which means someone is demonstrating patience and practicing good communication skills. Another thing that comes to mind is, if your spouse never cleans the house, then one day out of the blue he or she cleans. Instead of questioning why he or she cleaned, applaud the fact that