Gedoodles Ii

By Harry M. Geduld

Inspired by Bernard Shaw's dictum that the Earth is the lunatic asylum for all the other planets, GEDOODLES II is the jaundiced expression of Harry Geduld's profound insights into the human condition. The book contains a sample of Geduld's juvenilia, a long interview with the author, his Ultimate Ph.D. Examination for Comparative Literature, an heretical short story entitled "Not This Man," and a collection of deathless verse that is certain to leave an unspeakable impression on the masochistic reader.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 6, 2012
• ISBN: 9781468560039

Harry M. Geduld

According to the impeccable authority of the Indiana University Administration, Harry M. Geduld, now a DEmeritus Professor, is notorious as the only faculty member who did NOT create FIlm Studies at IU, having spent his 34 years at the University doing nothing. He was also the long-forgotten Chair of Comparative Literature, responsible for the department's Dark Age (1990-1996). Most of the numerous books, articles and reviews ascribed to him were probably ghost written by his two doggies, canine geniuses known as Gedoodles poodles.

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ISBN:978-1-4685-5554-7 (sc)

Copyright © 2012 Harry M. Geduld

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse: 3/1/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4685-5554-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4685-6003-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011962656

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Contents

By The Same Author

Motto of this book:

DEDICATION

Further Acknowledgement

FOREWORD: IN PLACE OF A FORESKIN

Part One: Perverse Verse and Even Worse Verse

Part Two: Limericks Shlimericks

Part Three: Juvenilia

Part Four: Comparative Literature: The Ultimate Examination

Part Five: Doyle Sharp interviews Harry Geduld

Part Six: Not This Man – A short story

Part Seven: Addenda

ENVOI

By The Same Author

Published Books:

Prince of Publishers

James Barrie: A Study

Filmguide to Henry V

The Birth of the Talkies

Chapliniana

German Requiem: A Play in Two Acts

Lecherous Limericks

Purim Spiel: Thirty Short Stories on Jewish Themes

Chutzpah Sauce: Four One-Act Plays and Two Interludes

The Final Solution of the German Question: Two Plays

Dogspeare: Thirty More Short Stories

From the Heart: Biographical and Autobiographical Memoirs

Gedoodles or From Bad to Verse

Books Edited:

The Rationalization of Russia [by Bernard Shaw]

Film Makers on Film Making

Focus on D.W. Griffith

Authors on Film

The Definitive Jekyll and Hyde Companion

Charlie Chaplin’s Own Story

The Definitive Time Machine

The Literature of Mystery and Detection [44 volumes]

As Advisory Editor:

The New York Times Film Encyclopedia [13 volumes]

Co-edited with Ron Gottesman:

Sergei Eisenstein and Upton Sinclair: The Making and Unmaking of ‘Que Viva Mexico!’

Guidebook to Film: An Eleven-in-One Reference

An Illustrated Glossary of Film Terms

The Girl in the Hairy Paw

Robots, Robots, Robots

Playing to the Camera

Co-edited with David Y. Hughes:

A Critical Edition of H.G.Wells’s War of the Worlds

As Series General Editor:

Visions series [Indiana University Press]

As Series General Co-editor with Ron Gottesman

Filmguide series [Indiana University Press]

Film Focus series [Prentice-Hall]

Perspective series [G.K.Hall]

As Editor, Co-editor, Series Editor and Advisory Editor Harry Geduld has published over 100 volumes.

GEDOODLES II

Even More Bad to Verse

by Harry M. Geduld

(Poet Laureate of Meshugahss)

Motto of this book:

Laughter lubricates Life

DEDICATION

With grateful appreciation and abundant thanks to:

Palamedes (putative inventor of Jokes)

Edward Lear (putative inventor of Limericks)

Max Miller (the Cheeky Chappie)

Tommy Trinder (You Lucky People)

Will Hay, Graham Moffatt and Moore Marriott

Big-Hearted Arthur Askey and Stinker Murdoch

Jimmy Edwards (Whacko!)

Tommy Cooper (the hysterically laughing Magician)

Eric Idle

Charlie Chaplin

Groucho Marx

Lenny Bruce

Woody Allen

Tom Lehrer

Donald McGill (for his saucy seaside postcards)

Gershon Legman (for Rationale of the Dirty Joke)

Leo Rosten (for The Joys of Yiddish)

George Orwell (for Coming Up for Air)

Christopher Hitchens (for Arguably)

Philip Roth (for Portnoy’s Complaint)

H.M.Bateman (for A Book of Drawings)

Karl Shaw (for Oddballs and Eccentrics

— even though he omitted me)

And above all

My wonderful Dad who told the jokes I love best

The author wishes to acknowledge his indebtedness to the following works without which the writing of this book would have been far better:

Heretical Beliefs by Ike Onoclast

Archimedes by U.Reeka

My Dear Watson by L.E.Mentary

The Anthem by Jose Canusee

Once a Year by Ida Bath

Infidelity by Don Teller

Idiot’s Delight by Jack Ass

Bats in the Belfry by Lou Natick

The Lost Organ by Cass Trayted

Fallen Panties by Lucy Lastick

The Female Delinquent by Miss B. Hayvure

The Wrong Answer by Stu Piditee

The Padded Cell by Cy Kottick

What’s Behind? By Hugh Jass

Pay Up or Else by Bill Collectors

Twin Peaks by O.Wat Boobs

The Dripping Nose by Y.Pitt

College Knowledge by Eddy Fikation

Up the Nose by Q.Tipp

and

A River in Egypt by D.Niall

Further Acknowledgement

When he wasn’t wasting his time writing encomiums to some Egyptian floosie named Cleopatra — who was bitten on her ass by an asp – here’s what William Shakespeare wrote about me:

"Old age has sadly withered him,

And rusting’s staled his obnoxious impropriety."

Thanks Bill!

Manifold thanks to my son

DANIEL

for correcting my computer illiteracy

with his usual expertise

FOREWORD: IN PLACE OF A FORESKIN

I didn’t shirk:

It’s all my work.

It shows I’m zealous:

So don’t be jealous.

I did write this ’ere ’ere

Yes, I did write this ’ere ’ere.

Ev’rywhere else I wrote that there

— But I did write this ’ere ’ere.

[Adapted from an old Cockney song]

Before I’m laid out on a slab

I’ll admit all my verses ain’t fab.

Though sometimes I babble

And occasion’lly gabble

I’m a Cockney with gift of the gab.

Part One: Perverse Verse and Even Worse Verse

MARCUS AND DANIEL

As infants and kids each son

Brought me delight and much fun.

And then they grew up – and have since made amends

By becoming more fun and my very best friends.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY

They haven’t a clue, said the Wandering Jew.

"They’ve mixed me up – one hundred percentile

With my younger brother, the Meandering Gentile."

THE STRAIGHT POOP ABOUT DIRT

On the subject of dirt

Let me alert

You. I wont try to divert

You or even convert

You. The truth about dirt

I refuse to skirt:

I’ll simply assert

Without being curt

Or pert

Or flirty –

That the truth about dirt

Is it’s just plain dirty.

AN EMBRYONIC IDIOT

"It’s really quite crummy

To live in a tummy.

It’s because mothers eat us,"

Said an ignorant foetus.

A LAST-MINUTE RESCUE

Eliza,

A miser,

Had a bad incisor,

Which she tried to fill

With a power-drill.

She didn’t complain

When it entered her brain,

Or even despair –

She had Medicare!

THE PENALTY OF TAKING THE CLASSICS TOO SERIOUSLY

A Classics Professor

Made a mess-a

His trip in a toga

To a local Kroger.

When he tripped

It ripped.

And alas, he was stripped,

And a female checker

Caught sight of his pecker.

The situation

Caused a sensation.

His unfortunate caper

Made the local paper,

And the Dean said, "Ben, yu’re

Going to lose tenure.

Finally came this story’s sad closure:

Life in the jug for indecent exposure.

NATIVE WISDOM

Missionaries, said one, Are really quite nice.

Agreed, said a cannibal, Especially with rice.

THE LORD’S PRAYER

I find it exceedingly odd

That we ask Almighty God

To Lead us not into temptation.

It’s a subject for deep contemplation.

Isn’t the Devil

Supposed to revel

In tempting us? So why do we ask Jehovah to rob

Beelzebub of his allotted job?

SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

Nine a.m. – a knock at the door:

It’s just me, Millie, the hotel whore.

The man within looked up, quite vexed.

"I was poring over my Gideon text,

And kindly address me as Reverend Georgy.

I paid for three: I want an orgy."

VIRGO INTACTA

It’s easy to miss

The orifice.

THE ITALIAN JOB

He removed a fowl’s gizzard

In the midst of a blizzard.

The outcome was gory

It snowed cacciatore.

WELL, YOU ASKED FOR IT

It’s invidious

To be hideous.

But since you’re my friend I’ll make you elated:

You’re appallingly ugly and universally hated.

I WANNA SEE A DOG ABOUT A MAN

I wanna see a dog about a man –

‘Cos there’s one thing any dog anywhere can

Detect when sniffing another dog’s ass:

He’s aware if it’s crap or if it’s just gas.

Yes, I wanna see a dog about a politician

And like-minded jerks