Elbows off the Table!: Proper Dining Etiquette for the Common Idiot

By AuthorHouse

FELLOW SERVERS: Here we go guys and girls servers, bartenders, host staff and management. Everything youve EVER wanted to say to the customers but couldnt! Every vulgar thought, every obnoxious encounter; its in here! Nothing sugar coated, no excuses, no mercy. Just the plain offensive truth! Finally, you will be heard!



OMG I never laughed out loud from reading a book before!


Wow, what an asshole! I love it!
UR WHACK! You cant write that!




Comedic & Offensive, yet Enlightening!




THE DINING PUBLIC: Ever wonder what your waiter thought of you? Did you THINK you were well behaved last time you ate out? This is the best glimpse you will EVER get into a waiters mind people. Make the most of it! I think youll find it quite interesting!




Inside you will also be given a unique opportunity to publicly comment on what youve just read. Have a nightmare scenario of your own? Agree with what youve just read? Do you find me despicable? Let me hear what you have to say!

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 18, 2012
• ISBN: 9781477270417

Book preview

© 2012 by Anonymous. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 09/18/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4772-7042-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-7041-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012917143

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

About the Author

Introduction

Chapter 1:     It Starts!

Chapter 2:     The Host Stand

Chapter 3:     Seated at Last

Chapter 4:     The Drink Order

Chapter 5:     The Menu Quiz

Chapter 6:     Are You Ready to Order?

Chapter 7:     Ordering Your Food

Chapter 8:     The Delivery

Chapter 9:     How Is Everybody’s Food?

Chapter 10:   Clearing the Table and To-Go’s

Chapter 11:   The Tip

Chapter 12:   The Bar

Chapter 13:   Kids

Conclusion!

About the Author

I wrote this book to make people aware that, in the same rude and obnoxious manner that they exhibit their behavior when dining out is unacceptable. To deliver the message in a comedic yet offensive tone while at the same time giving a voice to the countless frustrated restaurant workers who are forced to deal with these mannerisms daily. I mean really, how many stories have we seen lately on various internet sites dealing with obnoxious people in restaurants? The waitress who served a gentleman his lunch and was compensated with a tip that said you can stand to lose a few pounds. The restaurant owner in Georgia, I believe, who was losing customers because his establishment was getting a reputation for having unruly kids running all over the place RUINING the experience for his other guests. This guy went ahead and banned kids under 6 years old from being able to dine in his restaurant and, as a result, was being scorned by parents of young children. FUCK YOU people! Good for him! No fuckin way you are going to fuck up MY ability, as well as the ability of EVERYBODY who works in that establishment, to make a living just because YOU can’t control your kids! I waited tables for 12 years. I worked in all kinds of restaurants including fine dining & upscale casual all the way down to fuckin thunder dome-the kind of place where anything goes! I’ve lived and worked all over the country. At first I thought maybe shitheads are limited to just 1 geographic location or maybe they tend to frequent certain kinds of establishments. Like maybe this wasn’t the norm. Boy was I wrong. It got to the point where I could no longer mask my anger. Just the sight of people walking into a restaurant would unleash a rage inside me like no other. I had to get out. For the sake of my sanity, I needed a change. I thought for sure that if I could just get out of the restaurant biz everything would be fine. Again, boy was I wrong. What I realized, rather quickly, was that its not just restaurants. It’s PEOPLE! Anytime a person is forced to interact with another human being in a customer service typesetting, it’s almost as if their natural instinct is to act like a complete asshole! Nobody gives a shit about anybody but themselves and its sad and it’s painfully obvious! Luckily I got out. Luckily the amount of time I spend interacting with other people is minimal these days. I’ll tell you this though . . . I will scrub toilets with my TONGUE before I ever go back to working in a restaurant. Some waiters will have you believe that they like their job. I call those people ROOKIES. They just haven’t been there long enough. If I told you I was happy at my job during the 12 years I waited tables, id be a fucking liar (that book is actually in the process of being written) and an idiot! If I told you that restaurant workers were the only ones talking shit behind your backs (that book is ALSO in the process of being written) id be a fucking liar and an idiot! Anyways, enough about me. Read the book. Hopefully it does more good than bad. Hopefully it makes you readers, at the very least, give SOME thought to your behavior when you walk into a restaurant. Hopefully those of you in the industry can sleep better at night knowing that your/our story is finally out there!

Introduction

What is it about dining out that turns us into complete idiots? Why do we abandon any shred of reason and/or logic as well as any notion of common sense whatsoever? Is it the thrill of leaving the house? Are we like dogs now, so excited to get out of the house that we allow stupidity to take control of our thoughts and decision-making process (chase a car down the street . . . run after the kid riding his bike)? Does it make us feel regal to act like shitheads when someone is waiting on us? Is there a proper way to act when dining out? I’ve been waiting tables for ten years now and still don’t have the answers. For the life of me I still can’t figure out WHY people do the stupid things they do. Throughout the course of this book, I’m going to provide detailed examples of the stupidity that waiters, hostesses, and bartenders encounter on a daily basis. There will be no embellishment or distortions of the truth as there is no need for it. Any person unfortunate enough to be employed in the restaurant industry will most likely be able to read this book and SWEAR that the words they see before them somehow leaked out of their own minds and came to rest on these pages. Those of you unfamiliar with life within a restaurant may think that these instances are few and far between. Isolated and uncommon. If that’s the case, then you are dead wrong! You might even be thinking "I never acted