How You Became You (And Why You Do the Things You Do): How Abusive Parenting Styles Debilitate Children

By Judy R. De Wit

There are two common parenting styles with defined negative effects at two extremes: rigid and chaotic. Rigid parenting involves excessive rules, narrow expectations from parents for their children, and unreasonable punishments. Children raised in these conditions become adults who frequently suffer from anxiety, OCD, and perfectionism. They are often defensive and reactive, seeking out acceptance and approval from others

In contrast, chaotic parenting offers few to no rules, allowing children to do whatever they want without boundaries or consequences and failing to help them discover their strengths and capabilities. These children become adults who have identity issues, codependency, and poor boundaries. Their relationships often focus on becoming what they think others want them to be.

By uncovering what kind of parenting you received, you can better understand who you are and why you do the things you do and be able to determine what changes you would like to make. Becoming a healthy person is about being the person God intended you to be. This guide can help you take the steps necessary to becoming that person.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jun 25, 2012
• ISBN: 9781475926781

Judy R. De Wit

Judy R. De Wit grew up in Iowa as the youngest of five children. She graduated from Dordt College in 1984 and taught in Christian Schools for fourteen years before receiving her MA in marriage and family therapy from North American Baptist Seminary. She is currently a therapist in the Twin Cities metro area of Minnesota.

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Copyright © 2012 by Judy R. De Wit

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-2677-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-2678-1 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-2679-8 (dj)

iUniverse rev. date: 6/18/2012

Contents

Acknowledgments

Note from the Author

Introduction

Part 1 Rigid Parenting Style

Chapter 1 Growing Up under Rigid Parenting

Chapter 2 What the Rigid Parenting Approach Looks Like

Chapter 3 The Effects of Rigid Parenting

Chapter 4 Stories of Rigid Parenting Approach

Part 2 Chaotic Parenting Style

Chapter 5 Growing Up under Chaotic Parenting

Chapter 6 What the Chaotic Parenting Approach Looks Like

Chapter 7 The Effects of Chaotic Parenting

Chapter 8 Stories of Chaotic Parenting Approach

Part 3 Healthy Parenting Style

Chapter 9 Growing Up with Healthy Parenting

Chapter 10 What the Healthy Parenting Approach Looks Like

Chapter 11 The Effects of Healthy Parenting

Chapter 12 Stories of Healthy Parenting Approach

Conclusion

Chapter 13 How You Became You

References

Acknowledgments

Special thanks to all my clients who were willing to share stories of their difficult childhoods, which enabled me to put together a continuum that can help them and others understand why they do the things they do and how they have become who they are today.

Because I love God above all, I thank Him for enabling and empowering me to write this book so that individuals and families can be touched and healed when they come to know who they are and why they do the things they do.

Judy R. De Wit

Note from the Author

After years of listening to clients tell their stories of childhood hurt and pain, I realized that typically one of two things was happening: Either they were telling me that their parents were rigid or harsh with them, or they were telling me that their parents never cared about them or what they did.

As time went along, I saw a pattern in how these clients were affected by the kinds of childhoods they had. Anxiety, perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), defensiveness, and reactivity were typical characteristics of rigid parenting. Promiscuity, poor boundaries, drug and alcohol abuse, codependency, and identity issues were experienced by those who had chaotic parenting.

I am convinced that essential to recovery from unhealthy parenting is first discovering what kind of parenting you experienced, how that approach internally affected you, and how that effect causes you to be who you are today.

A helpful question to ask is, How did I become me and why do I do the things I do?

Judy R. De Wit

Introduction

Why didn’t someone tell me this before? is a question my clients frequently ask when I explain to them the two extremes in parenting approaches.

Whether you have participated in therapy or not, your inner self wrestles with the question of how you became who you are today. There’s a longing within you to know why you do the things you do and how you got to be the way you are. One way to find some answers is to look at what kind of parenting you had as a child.

This book provides a discussion of two extreme parenting styles. One extreme is harsh and rigid parenting, and the other extreme is chaotic parenting. This book will help you to remember—or discover—what your growing-up years were like.

Once you uncover what kind of parenting style you were subjected to, the book will explain what typical characteristics you may exhibit because of it. As you begin to understand how you got to be you, you are free to choose what changes you want to make.

Read this book with your guard down. Be willing to admit that your childhood wasn’t as great as you thought it was. Then come to the realization that your childhood greatly affected how you have turned out and be willing to search for what changes you need to make so that you can be the healthy person you desire to be.

Judy R. De Wit

Part 1  

 Rigid Parenting Style

Chapter 1  

 Growing Up under Rigid Parenting

Honor your father and your mother.

–Eph. 6:2

She was depressed and anxious and was now in tears.

Confronted by her therapist to speak the truth, Lou¹ fell silent. All along she had struggled inside about whether to tell her therapist her real thoughts and feelings about her parents and her growing-up years. She had never told others or admitted to herself what those years were about because she was taught that speaking badly about her parents was disrespectful to them. Until now.

There were many rules. There were rules about her dress, rules about her behavior, rules about how to behave, rules about respecting authority, and rules about what to say and not say. There were rules about what she could and couldn’t do on Sunday, rules about obeying her Sunday school teacher, and rules about what God wanted little girls to be like. There were rules about cleaning her room, doing the dishes, and how best to vacuum the living room. She was expected to clean out the garage on Saturday, help her dad with the lawn in the summer, and babysit her sister when her mom and dad were gone. Sadly, all she could remember was that there