Completely Yours

By Michael McNamar

Love and acceptance are two basic needs that all human beings share. But only by giving our lives completely to Jesus Christ, like I did nearly thirty years ago, can we have those needs fulfilled.

After twenty-two years of marriage, having raised two children, and being involved in education for over twenty years, its possible for me to tell Nancys story. It is a story about a human being in search of a relationship with her Creator.

Completely Yours is about real people and real problems. It is like my first book, Crushed by Love, a story of healing and recovery from severe childhood abuse that probes the same human needslove and acceptance. It is not just a womans story, it is a human story.

Nancys life was destroyed when her marriage to Morgan ended after fifteen years of unfaithfulness, separating Nancy from her daughter Cassie. She found hope for a new life that night when she knocked on Brians apartment door.

Not only did she find someone who would love her in spite of her past, Nancy also gave her life completely to Jesus Christ, the only true healer of the human heart. Years later, now a mother in her own right, Nancy is being reunited with Cassie.

Morgan is dying of the effects of AIDS, and Cassie needs the only mother she has ever known. Her phone call starts Nancy down memory lane that brings her life full circle.

Completely Yours deals with very challenging issues in such a sensitive way that anyone who reads this book will know that God loves them, no matter what has happened in their lives in the past.
Lee Hartman

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Nov 12, 2012
• ISBN: 9781449759704

Book preview

Chapter 1

Perfect – simply perfect. There was no other way to describe Nancy’s life, so why did she feel so uneasy about the day that had just begun.

Brian had already left for the office, Madison lay sleeping in the crib that Nancy leaned over ever-so lightly so not to wake her sleeping beauty and she had never felt so secure and at peace in her life.

So why the nagging anxiety that clung to the back of her mouth, that clouded everything she saw that morning? Walking back down the hallway and into her bedroom, all Nancy had to do was glance at the scrapbook lying at the foot of their king-sized poster bed to be reminded of what lay ahead of her in the next few hours.

She was finally coming – the child that Nancy could never have. The child that should have been hers. The child that Morgan didn’t deserve – the child that Morgan never appreciated.

Standing there, debating what to do next, her tattered sweatpants dragging on the floor, the unmade bed beckoning her to take another few minutes of welcomed sleep before she headed downstairs to truly begin her day, Nancy was truly torn as what to do next.

She needed to jump in the shower, put on her face and then head downstairs to clean up the mess that Brian always left behind him in the morning. Nancy loved him so much – and he had been such a blessing since they finally realized that they were meant to be together, but he was such a man.

No, Cassie wasn’t coming to inspect her kitchen, or to judge Nancy on the finer points of how to dress, but of all the appointments that she’d had, this was the one that Nancy didn’t want to mess up.

What to do – her white teeth bit down slightly on her lower lip, her right hand played absently with one of her errant auburn strands, and her eyes studied the silent book laying on the end of the bed.

She really needed to shower, but… slowly, Nancy was pulled to the edge of the bed, where she plopped down and then scooted around until she was leaning against a stack of pillows, the scrapbook laying between her chest and the up drawn knees.

Was she really going to be at her house in a couple hours? Could she really be a senior in college? Wasn’t she born yesterday?

Cassie really did look like Morgan – dark brown eyes that lit up a room when she walked in. Her skin glowed and her smile was electric. That was Morgan to the tee, when they first met… .

Hey, are you Morgan? Nancy stood in the doorway to their dorm room, suitcases in hand, her Mountain Dew ball cap sitting crossways on her head.

You must be Nancy, welcome. We are going to have a great time.

Studying her new roommate as she sat cross-legged on the bottom bed of the bunk beds they would share for the next ten months, Nancy had no idea just how much Morgan Haynes would change her life.

A three-sport, all-state athlete from Minneapolis, Morgan had torn up her knee over the summer and had lost her softball scholarship. She was beautiful, intelligent and not afraid to try anything. Life for Morgan was just one big game – one big rolling party and anyone she met needed to have just as much fun as she was having.

Nancy on the other hand, her life was anything but a party. Not that there was anything wrong with her life, but a straight A student from small-town Iowa; daughter to two very conservative, church-going parents, she never did anything wild or even the most remotely interesting.

Morgan had a different boyfriend, or as it turned out, a different girlfriend every other month in high school and even since she had come to Iowa City. Not that Nancy quite knew all of that about her new roommate when she moved in – but over the next fifteen years, this outgoing, troubled and scared little girl wrapped up in an adult’s body, would become the single most important person she had ever met.

In time, she would become Nancy’s life. A life that revolved around taking care of the two most precious people in the world – the first person to ever love Nancy for who she was, and the little girl that she loved as much as if she had given birth to her herself.

But back in the half-made poster bed, covers pulled up over her knees, the scrapbook pages flipped slowly as Nancy studied each photo, the faces and places that they captured holding so many deep, unforgettable memories.

There was the picture of Morgan coloring her hair – more like squirting half the bottle in Nancy’s ear. It looked horrible – orange hair wasn’t exactly what she had been expecting when her new roommate decided she needed a new look.

Or there was the before and after shots of Nancy going in to get her ears pierced for the first time. Morgan really wanted them to go get matching tattoos, but needles had never been Nancy’s thing and nobody had ever seen that part of her body since she was a little girl in diapers, so pierced ears it was.

And on the trip back down memory lane continued, as picture after picture filled her heart and mind with emotions long since forgotten. Moments that made Nancy laugh and moments that made her brush away the occasional tear.

A pre-law major at the U of I, she was majoring in Political Science, while Morgan was a free-wheeling sociology major. Nancy never missed a class and never got worse than an A on any test or paper that she wrote. It had been that way all the way through school – valedictorian of her class and a National Merit Scholar to boot.

Her roommate on the other hand, well if she managed to get to half of her classes in a week’s time, Morgan was doing well. Even when she was playing softball, there never seemed to be any motivation to excel in her classes, unless it came to flirting with the guys in class.

How she had ever managed to get good enough grades in high school to qualify to get into the university, Nancy didn’t understand, not at first anyway. But over the weeks, that stretched into months, there was one thing that became obviously true, Morgan Haynes was no dummy.

She was actually one of the most intelligent people that Nancy had ever met, but somewhere in her life, it was as if Morgan had made a pact with herself that she would never appear to be that smart, not in public anyway.

No, she was beautiful, athletic and the life of the party, and that’s exactly who she wanted everyone to know her as. Pausing for a moment as she listened for Madison stirring down the hall, Nancy smiled at the odd couple that lived together for nearly half of their adult lives. What a pair – no two women ever became as close as she and Morgan did.

Glancing back at the book, her eyes fell on a picture of them water skiing on Coralville Lake, the summer before they graduated. Even after the terrible accident the summer before that cost Morgan her scholarship, she was a real daredevil when she got on the water.

They could barely coax Nancy to get on the skis before they actually got out onto the lake, let alone flying over some jump the way Morgan did. She knew that the knee always hurt like crazy when she did anything like that, but a little bit of pain wasn’t going to stop Morgan Haynes.

That’s what surprised everyone when she gave up her scholarship that fall. Yes, she had to have ACL surgery and it would take several months of rehab before Morgan would be able to play again – play at the level that had earned her a starting spot as a freshman on a team that had actually challenged for the Big Ten title and landed them in the NCAA tournament.

It even surprised Nancy a bit at first, but that was until she came home one night from a lecture and found Ross in the room with Morgan. A senior from St. Louis, Ross had been seeing Morgan off and on for two years.

Sorry about that, Morgan said off-handedly as they two lay in their beds, the lights off and Nancy still caught somewhere between embarrassed and angry about walking in on… You know Nance, I think that he might be the one.

The one?

He’s going to graduate in May and he’s already got a job lined up with some insurance firm in Des Moines. I could transfer to Drake or even Ames and finish my degree, like I’m really going to need it.

You mean marriage? He’s actually talked about…

Him, talk about something like that? Are you crazy? the typical Morgan laugh filled the room when all Nancy wanted the room to be filled with was the snoring that threatened to strip the paint off the ceiling. All Ross ever thinks about right now is getting drunk and…

You don’t need to finish. I think I get the idea.

I’m really sorry Nance, I didn’t mean for that to happen. He just dropped by unexpectedly and things just kind of got out of hand.

Do you love him?

Does a woman ever really love a man? I mean really Nance, why do you always have to take the fun out of things? All that matters to me is that we have a good time together. What else is there to being together?

You’re amazing.

I know it Nance, it’s a curse. God really did me a disservice when he made me so beautiful and smart and… .

And humble.

The conversation drifted off from there, and it never picked up again, not for months anyway. Morgan did make sure Nancy never walked in on them again, because she always made sure they went to his place, an apartment off campus somewhere. Nancy was never sure where, mostly because she was never invited to any of the all-weekend parties that they threw, every weekend.

Morgan would leave for class Friday morning with a small duffle over her shoulder and she wouldn’t show back up until sometime after class on Monday. Nancy always enjoyed the time alone in the room – even on Friday nights when she was the only person in Iowa City studying.

Even in high school, she’d hardly ever gone to a ball game. Not that she was anti-sports or lacked in school spirit, although her high school football team didn’t win a game for five years in a row.

No, Nancy just enjoyed school and studying. She loved the process and most of all; she just like the moment of discovery when something knew became revelation to her. Her parents had told her forever that she should be a teacher if she enjoyed school so much, but all she had ever wanted to be was a lawyer.

How are you going to be a lawyer when you can hardly talk to people? Morgan used to chide Nancy after they’d meet some guys and she wouldn’t say a word.

That’s because you never give me a chance to talk. As soon as you see a boy, the Morgan charm goes right to work until you have them all eating out of your hand and demanding to have a date as soon as they can.

You are right, I am irresistible. It just isn’t fair that I should have so much and you mere mortals have to struggle along with what you have.

Never one to withhold her opinion in hopes of appearing even the least bit humble, Morgan was who she was, without apology. Brash and unabashed, she was amazing. Secretly, there were times that Nancy wished she had been more like her.

Friday nights when she would sit there imagining what it would be like to be out on a date – what it would be like to get the attention that her roommate did. Nancy never let Morgan know how much it really did hurt when the guys they’d meet would ignore her while they literally drooled all over Morgan.

That envy stopped one Friday night though, when Nancy came home from a lecture on campus to find Morgan sitting on their small couch in the corner of their dorm room crying.

I’m pregnant Nancy, and Ross doesn’t want me anymore.

What do you mean? Are you sure… :

I haven’t been with anyone else for months, the brown eyes turned fierce for a moment, before they melted back into the sad-puppy dog ones that had greeted Nancy when she first walked in the room. What kind of slut do you think I am anyway Nance?

I didn’t mean… setting her backpack near on her desk, Nancy slid in next to Morgan and put her arm around the slouching shoulders.

In all the months that they had known each other, it was the first time the Morgan actually appeared to have a human side – she actually had let the facade down and was vulnerable. She actually seemed like a real person.

When did you find out?

I went to the clinic this morning, after class.

How far along are you?

The doctor said about two months.

So that’s why we haven’t had the normal mood swings during… Nancy couldn’t believe she’d… . I’m sorry Morgan. I…

I know Nance; you are the best friend that I have ever had. I can be a real piece of works sometimes…

Well, now that you mention it, you can be a bit self-absorbed at times.

I can be a real… I’m sorry Nance, for everything.

Nancy appreciated the apology, sincere as it was, but it really wasn’t needed. She had gotten used to Morgan – and she knew she had her own issues that needed apologizing for.

What did Ross say? the two bodies were almost one now as Morgan lay her head on Nancy’s shoulder, her left hand slightly stroking the clammy cheek that was still red from the tears that she had been shedding.

He said that I was just some hanger-on that wanted to take advantage of him. That all I wanted was to trap him and get him to marry me and then take care of me and my kid.

Your kid? Wasn’t he even the least bit… ?

No, Nance, he didn’t seem to care that the baby inside of me is just as much his as it is mine, the words were nearly empty and emotionless. "I thought he loved me. I really did.

How could I be so wrong?

Do you love him, Morgan?

I thought I did, Nancy began to slowly work through the matted head of hair as Morgan laid her head on her lap, curling up like a little baby on the small love seat they were sitting on.

Laying the scrapbook on the bed again, Nancy slipped off onto the floor and made her way out into the hallway and down to Madison’s room. She thought she’d heard her stirring already, so she had better check.

Peeking over the padded railing of the crib, it was a false alarm. She must have been hearing the wind outside or something. Glancing up at the stork clock over the changing table to her right, it was almost nine o’clock. Cassie was supposed to be there at eleven.

School was to start the next week, and they had just moved into a house on the back side of campus when Morgan had gone into labor. Ten hours later, after really hard labor that had drained the new mother of all her strength as well as all the color in her face, Nancy had actually been allowed in the delivery room after Cassie had been delivered.

Nestled in between Morgan’s nearly lifeless arm and her side, she was the most beautiful baby Nancy had ever seen. That is until the nurse handed Madison to her just a few weeks before. They were beautiful, the both of them – mother and daughter, what a moment.

Exhausted and sweaty as she was her hair a mess and not one ounce of make up on her face, Morgan had never looked more amazing. The normal glow she had about her didn’t hold a candle what radiated from her face at that moment.

In the months since that first night, Nancy had helped her through every step of the way. She’d been there to rub her back during morning sickness. She had done her laundry when Morgan couldn’t get out of bed. She had even agreed to move out of the dorms, without telling her parents, when the pregnancy wasn’t able to be hidden anymore and Morgan was asked to leave the dorms.

There were also the nights when Morgan would toss and turn, and Nancy would hold her hand and sing lullabies to her in an attempt to bring her some kind of peace. She had no idea what Morgan was going through – abandoned by the father of her baby, and unable to tell her parents because she was so afraid of what they might say or do.

Nancy tried to imagine what her parents would have done – her mother had her out of wedlock. The only father she had ever known was actually her step-father, who had been willing to adopt her when she was only five and give Nancy his last name, Thompson.

She barely remembered that day, or the ceremony at the courthouse when the adoption was made official, but Nancy would never forget the love and acceptance that she had always been given by her dad. Or the fact that the love that her parents had was real—a love that they had never shied away from sharing and showering her with, being their only child.

Nancy knew that it was so disappointing for her mother not to be able to have any more children – an emotion that she had come to know all-to-well herself – but she had a good family. A family that loved her and who loved God.

She spent every Sunday morning and every Wednesday night in church or youth, but in all that time, with all that her parents gave her, there was something that she and Morgan began to share during those months of holding her hand that Nancy had never experienced before.

When Brian hovered near the side of the bed as she held Madison, his eyes glowed with a love and passion for her that Nancy had never seen before. It was as if becoming a mother had changed her somehow – made her more beautiful, more… she didn’t know the words to explain it.

But she did understand the emotion – the passion that was involved in such a moment, because that was the exact way she felt in that hospital room, as she watched Morgan holding Cassie.

Shocked at the intensity of that moment at first, Nancy understood that it was not something that happened spontaneously. No, it was something that had been growing between the two of them over the months.

Standing there in the hospital room, it seemed so right, so perfect. Not that she could have explained it if she had been asked what the smile meant that she had on her face, but it was real, so very real.

To be honest, in the beginning, it felt so wonderful – the most fulfilling emotion that she had ever experienced. She had never been with a boy – she had never kissed anyone let alone… and she and Morgan had never… but there was something there beyond mere friendship.

Even her relationship with God, something that Nancy had in her life since she was… well as long as she could remember. Not once in all those years had she felt the love for anyone like she did Morgan at that moment. But then, as she continued to study the angelic face below her, Nancy also had to admit that she had never truly opened her heart to God the way she had Morgan over those months.

She was always the good girl that wouldn’t do anything that she shouldn’t do – the Mary Ann of her high school. Never once did she have to have one of those talks with her folks that seemingly every one of her friends had to have. No, Nancy was the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect Christian, or so she gave all the appearances of.

Even since coming to Iowa City, she had been a faithful church member of a small Methodist church near campus. She even sang in the choir for special events and taught in Sunday school at times. She was the model young woman that everyone respected and trusted to always be doing the right thing, at the right time, in the right place.

But in spite of all those accolades, not to mention all of her academic achievements, Nancy had never truly felt intimate with God. Not in prayer, not when she was reading her Bible, not even when she was singing and worshipping. No, there always seemed to be part of her heart that she reserved for – she didn’t know who or what.

She loved God and Nancy knew that God loved her, but there was just something missing. Somehow, there was always the sense that she wasn’t loved and accepted because she was a human being. It always seemed that the love she felt from God was dependent on how she lived her life and the good things that she did.

Not that He ever seemed to be that far away, or even that mad when she didn’t quite get it all right, but there was still something missing. The something that she had found with Morgan or at least it seemed like that.

Morgan knew her better than any other person in the world, and yet she was willing to be completely open and vulnerable with Nancy. At her weakest, neediest moments, she had been the one she reached out to.

She was the one who held her when all Morgan could do was cry herself to sleep because she was so alone, so afraid of what was going to happen in the future. The strong, adventurous woman who wasn’t afraid of anything had suddenly become a basket case, at least in private.

In public, no matter how big she got as the pregnancy progressed, Morgan always gave the appearance of having it all together. Not that she went to all the parties like she had before, but the ones she did go to she closed down and she could still draw a crowd with her charm and charisma.

But back in the dorm, and then in their one bedroom apartment, she would fall apart. Fall into Nancy’s loving and accepting arms. Many nights they fell asleep like that, not knowing where one person ended and where the other one began.

Nancy sensed that Morgan had to be developing the same kind of attachment, the same kind of emotional bond to her – she knew that Morgan had had relations with other – there had been one lesbian in her high school, and the abuse she took in small town Iowa was pretty severe.

Not that Nancy ever participated in that abuse, but she had always felt uneasy, kind of weird around her, for the lack of a better term. It wasn’t like she really thought of herself like that, as she walked out of the hospital that night, but as she walked over to the window and looked out into their back yard; Nancy knew exactly what she was becoming.

All these years later, after Brian had showered her with such unconditional love that she was completely healed from everything she went through during the years that she was with Morgan, Nancy knew exactly what she was becoming, and why it happened.

Chapter 2

Cassandra Andrea Haynes – that’s what their little girl was christened when she was a month old, in a private ceremony at the church that Nancy went to. Not that Morgan was really excited about being in any kind of church service, but she had amazingly agreed that Cassie should be christened, just because it seemed like the parental thing to do.

From the moment they came home from the hospital, everything was wonderful. Nancy was still going go class and preparing for her LSAT’s and filling out applications for law schools around the country, but as she did, there was the realization forming in the back of her bind that this new discovery in her life was going to complicate everything she was going to do in the future.

Iowa City was a pretty liberal place, and the U of I law school would be easy for her to get into and it was fairly respected at least throughout the Midwest, which Nancy didn’t have a problem with living in for the rest of her life.

But if the feelings that she had for Morgan were shared by her roommate, then they needed to – Iowa City was quite liberal compared to the rest of Iowa, but not that liberal, not back in the late 80’s anyway.

No, it would have to be Chicago or someplace like that, if they were going to be a family, and there wasn’t anything that Nancy wanted more. She had always helped in the nursery at church and had even babysat for several families in town, and her favorite age to take care of were the infants.

In spite of the diapers and the amazing colors and smells that they deposited in their diapers, they were so cute and adorable. She couldn’t imagine anything more amazing than a baby, and now that they had their own at home, life was just wonderful and full of excitement.

Nancy even found herself distracted in class – she’d catch herself doodling Cassie’s name in the margins of her notes, or daydreaming in lecture about what she was doing and what they would do when she got home.

Morgan was breastfeeding, of course, but she was more than willing to let Nancy give Cassie a bottle any time she wanted after she got home. The worst hours to be away from her little girl were when Nancy was working as a waitress at the Hickory House, a hamburger place near campus.

It had great burgers and even more amazing shakes and sundaes, so they were always packed and Nancy made amazing tips, but she was so tired when she got home, and she almost always had tons and tons of homework to do, but she still found time to spend with Cassie.

Morgan decided to stay home with the baby that first fall semester, but she planned on going back to school after Christmas. She still had good enough grades, by some miracle, so she had her tuition paid for, so that was one expense that they wouldn’t have to worry about.

The big question was what to do with Cassie. If they were backing home, Nancy could think of a dozen women who could take care of her and they wouldn’t have to put her in a day care center, the last place a baby should be.

That’s exactly why she wouldn’t be going back to the law firm that she and Brian both worked for until Madison was at least two or three, if not five, when she was ready to start school. Sure that her precious little girl wasn’t going to wake up, Nancy adjusted her favorite sweats, once black, now faded gray, she headed back toward her bedroom and the scrapbook.

Not that she really needed to have it to look at the pictures – she had memorized each snapshot of her past – of the years that she spent raising Cassie – that she didn’t need the physical book.

The hardest thing for them that first semester wasn’t taking care of Cassie, or adjusting their sleeping patterns to hers, or even figuring out who’s turn it was to get up in the middle of the night because Nancy was always willing – no, the most difficult part was telling their parents.

She’d actually never met Morgan’s parents, but from what Nancy could gather, they seemed like pretty nice people. Mr. Haynes was a pilot for American and her mother worked as a secretary at one of the elementary schools in town, a small suburb of Minneapolis.

Good Christian folks, they seemed to love Morgan and had always attempted to give her the kind of home and lifestyle that every girl would have wanted. They traveled all over the country for her to play volleyball and softball, but none of that ever seemed to be enough for Morgan.

Even though she was raised in church from the time she could crawl, God was someone that she had completely rejected. As a matter of fact, Nancy understood, as she slid back onto the bed and picked up the scrapbook, quickly flipping to where the baby pictures started, that Morgan’s lifestyle choices were all directed at some long hidden issue that she had with her parents.

In fifteen years, Nancy was never able to get it out of Morgan what they did that was so terrible. All she knew was that Cassie was nearly five months old when they bundled her up against the December-Iowa wind, put her in her car seat and the two of them headed off to Minneapolis to introduce the Haynes to their granddaughter.

That was a horrible Christmas for Nancy – the lone picture of Cassie’s first Christmas rested between her fingers as the weight of the ancient book pressed against her stomach, the top of the book resting against her knees.

Christmas had always been her favorite time of year, and even when they didn’t have a lot of money, the Thompsons had always made a special effort during the holidays, and especially at Christmas.

Her favorite gift ever was the doll Nancy got when she was five. She had bugged her parents all year for her own little baby to take care of. It came with a stroller to push her in and the face was so pink and realistic looking, for that time anyway, and Nancy fell in love with it – with little Peggy Sue.

So, sitting there, unwrapping her presents and telling old family stories that everyone laughed about even though they’d told the stories a million times, it held no excitement or real fulfillment for Nancy because the only place she wanted to be was with her real baby doll – Cassie.

There were even times that it seemed like, if you caught her in the right light, that Cassie actually looked like Nancy. To her parents’ credit, they didn’t say anything that Christmas break, even though at times, it was quite obvious that she was distracted and wanted to be somewhere else.

That was something that Nancy had always appreciated about her parents – they seldom butted in where they didn’t belong. Now parents will always be parents, or so she had been told, and told. That being said, most parents always feel obliged to tell you what they think you should do, even if you don’t ask.

But the Thompsons, especially Mr. Thompson, he hardly ever told Nancy what he thought about anything, unless she asked point blank. Mom was a little more willing to share without request, but even that was rare and never pushy.

Since marrying Brian and now having her own little one, Madison was truly her little baby, Nancy had come to see that her father didn’t hold back his opinion because he was her step-dad, but because he loved her and he trusted God to take care of Nancy and to lead her in the way that she could go.

Even after – Nancy’s eyes came to rest on the only picture she had from her graduation day from college, the day that she told her parents that she and Morgan were moving to Chicago and were going to live together as…

Why? was all Mrs. Thompson asked as they sat in a corner booth at the Hickory House.

Nancy had felt completely comfortable telling her parents there since everyone that worked there knew about the relationship and no one seemed to have a problem with it. Not that anything about the meeting was truly easy, or comfortable, but at least she felt like she was among friends.

I love her Mom, Dad.

Mrs. Thompson wrung her hands and rocked back and forth, her lunch uneaten on the table in front of her. Mr. Thompson on the other hand continued to eat his food while Nancy went through a fifteen minute explanation of how she had planned everything out, without telling or consulting them, and how it was really going to be great.

To that moment, sitting on her bed, she wasn’t sure if she was really trying to sell her parents on the idea or herself. She had never kept anything from them, and this was something that she had kept a secret for over a year.

In all that time together, Nancy and Morgan’s relationship had never become physical – they hardly saw each other with the schedule that she was carrying, but Nancy understood full well that emotionally, they were a couple. She wasn’t sure that the love she had for Morgan was reciprocal, but at the time, it really didn’t matter.

She loved her and she adored Cassie, so it made perfect sense that they would move somewhere that Nancy could continue her schooling and they could be together and live happily. In Chicago, it was big enough that they should never be under the same kind of scrutiny and social disapproval that they would if they stayed in Iowa City or if they moved back to a place like Nancy’s home town.

I don’t expect you to understand, but there is nothing that I want more in life than this, Nancy’s voice showed the anxiousness that every word was filled with as she looked back and forth between her parents, especially hoping that her father would finally say something.

I do understand, Nancy, Mr. Thompson finally finished his meal and laid the fork down as he cleared his throat, folded his hands together in front of him and leaned into the table a bit, "I understand because I love you and your mother.

"The day that God told me that I was going to marry your mother, I knew that meant that one day, I would adopt you and give you my name. More than that, you would be my little girl the rest of my life and that I would do everything I could do to protect you and give you everything you could ever need or want.

Now, I haven’t always managed to do the second one, but I am sure that you have never doubted, not one day since your mother and I were married, that you are loved, as though you were my own flesh and blood.

I know that Daddy. It’s just that… . the words faded as she looked into her father’s eyes – there was no anger and not even any disappointment in them, or in any of his words.

Your mother and I have known for a long time that something was…

Wrong?

Different. We’ve known for months now that you were hiding something from us.

I didn’t mean… Nancy stopped herself again, because what she had been going to say would have been a lie. She had meant to deceive them, and she didn’t want to lie to her parents, not any more.

We had suspected that it was some kind of relationship, but honestly, we had no idea that it wasn’t with a boy, with a man. Because dear Nancy, you most certainly are no longer our little girl.

I stopped being that a long time ago, Daddy.

You will never stop being my little girl, you know that, her father looked straight ahead, as Nancy glanced over at her mother. But you are right, you are a woman – a beautiful woman with an unlimited future ahead of you.

None of this is going to stop me from me achieving all of that Daddy, Mom, Nancy didn’t quite plead, but her father’s approach seemingly was backing her into a corner that Nancy didn’t know what to do with.

She had prepared for somewhat of a fight – she had anticipated her father’s words to be filled with disappointment and for them to try and talk her out of it, but there was no way that was going to happen.

No matter what, they were going to be together, because there was no way anyone was going to take her little girl away from her. They’d been through teething, potty training and the beginning stages of crawling, Nancy couldn’t wait for each of those moments, and so many hundreds and thousands of moments to come with Madison – how could they ever be apart?

I’m not worried about your future Honey – and I’m not even worried about your present.

You’re not? What about Mom, she looks plenty worried and stressed for the both of you.

Since you were a little girl, Nancy, we have prayed over you. We have prayed and believed that what the Bible says is true, that when we train a child in the way that they should go, that they would not depart from it.

I guess I messed that up, haven’t I?

"We love you Nancy, and God loves you. We don’t love you any less because of what you’ve told us and because of the decisions you’ve made over the last few months.

We understand that you love that little girl, she’s beautiful and we understand that. We went through the same thing when you were a baby, our baby. Our one and only child, a precious gift from God, Nancy’s mom hesitantly entered the conversation.

"It was hard for us when you took your first step, being afraid that if we let you fall, you’d be broken or something. Amazingly, you finally figured out to walk and you were okay.

"Then you went off to school for the first time, and then middle school, and then high school, and then the senior prom and finally graduation and the day that you would go off to college and begin living your own life.

"That’s where you are right now Nancy, where you have been for the last four years. You know right from wrong and you know how to make decisions. We have to trust that in the end, you will make enough good decisions that you will live the life that God intended for you to live and find yourself standing before Him for eternity.

There is nothing that we can do to force you or to make your decisions any easier for you. Your mother and I have had our own share of hard decisions to make, our own crossroads to negotiate. Now it’s your turn.

So, you aren’t mad that I’ve decided to do what I’m going to do?

We love you Nancy, not because of anything you do, or because of anything you don’t do. We love you because you are our daughter, and if we have ever given you the impression that the opposite is true, then we ask you to forgive us because we have done you wrong.

The words hung in Nancy’s ears as if they’d been spoken that morning. In reality, it had been fourteen years since they laid her father in the rich Iowa top soil, after he lost a battle with cancer, the foulest thing on earth.

Parents, just when you know for sure what they are going to do and what they are going to say… "Our only prayer for you, as you have made this decision and you are prepared to live with it, we hope, is that God’s love will be more real to you than ever before. That your ears will hear His voice and that you will obey whatever it is that He tells you to do.

"As much as we love you Nancy, He loves you that much more. Never forget that. Never forget that the sacrifice that Jesus made was for you, whether you are loving Him and honoring Him, or if you are off living your life the way you believe that you should live it. That is all your choice

It is our choice to always love you Sweety. Know that you are always welcome in our home, no matter what.

What about Morgan and Cassie? the table got as quiet as the bedroom that Nancy was sitting alone in.

Your friend and child can come visit with you any time they want, Mr. Thompson answered without hesitation, "but your lover, if that’s what you consider her, will never be welcome in our home.

Understand, before you get all upset and indignant, we would feel that way if Morgan was a Josh or a Frank. That is not the issue for your mother and me, nor do I believe is it the issue that God has.

Nancy knew that he hadn’t been trying to lecture her or even preach at her – he just wanted her to know where they stood and that God’s word was unbending in its standards.

Then what is the issue, Daddy? Nancy wasn’t upset. In reality, she was relieved because things hadn’t exploded, which she had been afraid would happen.

Your heart, that’s all.

My heart?

Who holds your heart? Before I married your mother, we were desperately, head-over-heels in love, but there was one thing that I had to make certain she understood before she married me.

What was that, Daddy?

That I was going to love God more than her.

Did that make her mad?

Why should it?

Well, I thought that a husband was supposed to love her more than anyone else on earth or in the universe for that matter.

I found out a long time ago Nancy, that if I love God first, then He will help me love everyone else the way they need to be loved.

Did that ever bother Mom, to know that Daddy loves Jesus more than you?

"My dear Nancy, it would have bothered me more if he didn’t say and do what he did. If he was going to love me more, than how was I going to trust his love and leadership, since it wasn’t dependent and led by God and the Bible.

I know that it isn’t fashionable to quote scripture today, let alone live by it. But if you can find a man who will love you like that – unconditionally…

Or a woman?

Love is an amazing thing, Nancy, her father picked back up again. It knows no limits and had no boundaries. I have just one question for you.

What’s that Daddy?

Who do you love the most? God, Morgan, or the baby?

You mean Cassie.

"Right, Cassie. Who do you love the most? Whoever that is, then that person is the most powerful man or woman in your life and you will be swayed in life by what they say more so than anything or anyone else.

That includes your children, or even someone else’s children.

You mean Cassie, don’t you?

All we’re saying is that you need to guard your heart and make sure that you are doing what God wants you to do. What He wants most from you, and everyone else in the world, is to love Him first and to worship Him with our lives.

Of all the words that her dad spoke that day, the last few were the ones that Nancy remembered the most, the ones that she had revisited when time in life really became hard, to the point of her not being able to bear them.

Without saying it, Mr. Thompson had asked the question, did she really love God more than Morgan or Cassie? If she didn’t, then there was no way that Nancy could actually love people the way she was supposed to, or even understand exactly what it is that God wants her to do.

Sitting there, glancing at the clock, 9:15, Nancy understood that more than ever. She wished she had listened then – had understood exactly what her father was telling her, as well as what exactly God wanted her to do with her life.

Through the years, as she would sneak off to church, or sneak off into some room where Morgan wasn’t and read her Bible or pray, never had she heard it put more eloquently and simply as her father had.

She knew that in their minds, homosexuality, no matter what you called it, or how nice it seemed when it was between two women, was a sin. But they never mentioned that once, and they never did.

Never once did her parents condemn Nancy and Morgan because of their relationship. They never condoned it, but they never tried and convicted them and then exacted the punishment that fit the crime.

No, in all the years that they were together, never once did Nancy forget what her father said that day. It was the one thing that kept drawing her back to God and to the Church, even when she was as far from obeying God and His plan for her life simply because she wanted her freedom, to be able to do whatever she wanted to do.

Never once did God condemn Nancy, even during the years that she didn’t feel saved. Even when she was about as far from God as she imagined that she could get, Nancy still felt the power and presence of God that would one day heal her and set her free.

The picture still resting between her fingers showed her standing in between her parents. Nancy was so glad that she had reconciled completely with her parents, not to mention with God, before her father passed. It was the most important day of her life, and not because she graduated from college.

The greatest thing about that day was her father had let Nancy know that he would always be waiting for her. No matter what she had done or not done, no matter how far from God and her parents’ standards Nancy got, it still didn’t change the love that they had for her. They would always be willing to accept her back and never ask another question concerning where she had been or what she had been doing.

Chapter 3

What amazing parents! Nancy had never realized how much they loved her until that day – Nancy studied the picture of her standing between her folks outside their house in Iowa City. Morgan was standing next to her father, holding Cassie on her hip.

It certainly hadn’t been an easy summer – not only had Nancy finally told her folks that she was a lesbian, but she’d also disappointed them again when they announced plans to move to Chicago so she could go to law school instead of staying that the University of Iowa.

In the end, they were just happy that she was going onto law school. That she was pursuing her dream after all. That her life style choice wasn’t affecting every part of her life.

I’ve never given any indication I wouldn’t, have I? Nancy asked as she stuffed the last item in the suit case, already crammed to the gills.

Sitting across the bed was her ever silent mother – she’d never been one to talk your ear off, which Nancy had always appreciated, but she’d hardly said a word since Nancy’s grand announcement over the phone back in May.

Their relationship had never been the friendship kind – like other friends had with their moms. Nancy had always assumed it was because she had more in common with her dad. But now, as Nancy tugged at her gray U of I t-shirt, blue paint from painting the kitchen the summer before, she wondered if it wasn’t something more.

I love you Mom, a comment that barely rated a smile as Nancy dropped her bag next to the door and then disappeared into the bathroom for a few moments.

When she came out, her mom hadn’t moved – she barely gave any hint of being there, or wanting to be there. Finally, a little frustrated, Nancy plopped down on the bed and grabbed her mom’s reluctant hands.

What’s the deal Mom? You haven’t said a word since you got here. Am I really that big of a disappointment? Nancy searched the glassy blue eyes in hope of finding some sort of emotion.

My entire life, all I’ve ever really wanted to do was please you and Daddy, Nancy finally pressed on, determined to get some response, one way or the other.

I’ve always thought it was more your Father than me, the melancholy voice was barely audible over the box fan in the nearby window.

Why would you think that? Nancy dropped her hands as she readjusted herself on the flimsy mattress that they were leaving behind.

When was the last time you came home to tell me about some big piece of news before you talked to your Father? How long have you been… Nancy knew the rest of the sentence, but her mom still couldn’t bring herself to say lesbian, in any form.

I remember when you were in elementary school, you told me everything. We used to be best friends, but somewhere, about the time you went into junior high, you stopped talking to me, the words were sad and forlorn, while the eyes looked past Nancy and at some unknown point on the wall.

I’m sorry Momma, Nancy responded after a few reflective moments, I didn’t mean to, but…

But what? the voice suddenly sharpened and the eyes zeroed in on Nancy’s unsure blue ones.

But I got tired of never being right – tired of not being what you’d have done when you were a girl.

What’s wrong with a mother wanting her little girl to be like her? If it was good enough for me when I was growing up… what’s wrong with the woman that I have become? The life your father and I gave you?

This really wasn’t the conversation that Nancy wanted to have, but… There’s nothing wrong with it, Momma…

Don’t you want that little girl…

Cassie, Momma. Her name is Cassie.

Don’t you want her to grow… up… like you? the pauses caused the words to be almost inaudible.

I want her to be who she wants to be. I want her to have the chance to make her own choices and live her life the way she wants to live it.

Even if that means ruining it? the questions was more a statement than a question.

I’m not ruining anything Momma. I’m sorry you don’t approve of my relationship with Morgan, but I love her, Nancy so wanted to get up and walk the floor for this conversation, to ease the tension that she was feeling, but she remained seated, her twisting hands not resting in her lap at all.

You love her? How can you… didn’t your father and I teach you better…

It’s a new world, Nancy interrupted.

I don’t care about what kind of world it is! the color rose in her mom’s face, her voice was at a yelling pitch like Nancy had never heard before. You’re my daughter and we didn’t raise you in church, and made sure that you got a good education so you could become involved with some kind of freak!

She’s not a freak Momma. Morgan is a woman, just like you and me.

"She might be like you, but she is certainly not anything like me. I was raised to respect my parents and to keep my mouth shut. I was raised to know the position in life that I was expected to fulfill.

I would never have dreamed of embarrassing my parents by flaunting my sin in public life…

Like I have, the room grew suddenly quiet as Nancy acknowledged the accusation by dropping her head to her chest.

"With her back straight as a board, Nancy saw her mom in a way she’d never seen her before. It was like her grandmother and all her great aunts were sitting on her shoulder, having passed judgment on the apostasy she’d committed.

"Do you have any idea the questions we have had to answer since its gotten around town that you are gay? That you are living with another woman?

We can hardly go to church anymore because of the stares we get. The Smiths and Jones, they won’t even go to dinner with us after service any more on Sunday afternoons. If you ask me, I don’t blame them a bit for being ashamed and embarrassed to be seen with us.

Well, I certainly do! Nancy’s words bit back as she raised her face, her jaw sitting a firm edge like a fighter waiting for the next punch attempting to knock her to the canvass.

They are just narrow-minded bigots. Who cares what they think? What anybody thinks? It’s not their lives.

You are so right Nancy. It isn’t your life either, it’s ours. You don’t live there anymore, but we do. We will live there for the rest of our lives. The house is paid for and we have no intentions of pulling up all the roots that we have put down because our daughter has decided to throw her life away on some relationship that…

All it is, is a house. Who cares where you live? I thought home was where the heart is.

It is, and our heart is in Cedar Grove.

Even when the town changes so much that it isn’t worth living there anymore?

It’s not the town that has changed. You’re the one that’s changed. You’re the problem.

Now I’m a problem?

What would you have rather had me call you, a queer or a whore? Is that what I should call my own daughter? the words obviously pained her deeply, but Mrs. Thompson refused to be denied her moment at getting her pound of flesh from her daughter for the pain and discomfort she had caused them as they neared retirement and were supposed to be coasting toward the finish line of life.

If that’s what you think fits Momma, then go ahead.

Doesn’t that bother you – that your own mother would think you are a…

A queer? A whore? Those were the words you used Momma, weren’t they? Would you rather have heard that I was sleeping with every guy in the dorms and that I was pregnant? I’d still be a whore, but at least I’d be straight. You wouldn’t have to explain to your precious friends why you had raised a queer daughter, there was no answer as her mother shrunk back a bit, shocked at the emotional outburst that accompanied the verbal attack coming from Nancy’s mouth.

"Whatever it is that I have done to offend you and drive a wedge between me and you Momma, none of it has been done purposefully to hurt you and Daddy. I would never do that.

I am truly sorry that any of this has come back on you, Nancy’s voice softened again, the coloring of her face falling back to its normal skin tones as she took a deep breath and refocused on her mother.

If you’re that sorry, then just stop this nonsense and come home. Tell this person…

Morgan… her name is Morgan, Momma.

I don’t care what her name is, or where she is from or what she’s like. All know is that before you met her, you were a good girl.

I’m still a good girl.

Good girls don’t sleep with other women and let the entire world know about it like it some badge of honor that should be worn around town like someone coming back from the war with a medal.

Nothing I have done makes me any less of a good girl. I am not bad…

You always used to be so pleasing. You never caused any problems at school and you were always very respectful at home.

I’m still that same girl Momma.

No, you are most certainly not. A good girl would never dare commit such effrontery against God and everything her parents had taught her.

So, God’s mad at me, too? You and Daddy are mad at me. And the town, well the town has all kinds of nice things to say about me, Nancy finally had to get up after all this time nailing herself to that bed with all the will power that she could muster, but it was time to…

Walking back and forth, her hands clenched at her sides, Nancy sought for the right thing to say next, because this was certainly not the way she wanted to leave things with her mother before she left for Chicago in a few minutes, not to see her again