Is That Your Cousin in the Closet?: Murder for Hire

By Barbara Oliver Fletcher

Sisters Edna Barnes and Edith Johnson are senior citizens who like to solve mysteries in their own questionable ways. As the widows arrive in Chicago and head to their office, they are more than ready to take on their first official case as licensed private investigators.

A short time later their cousin, Elmo Guardini, arrives in their office and asks the newly minted PIs to scrutinize the sleazy security guard who is dating his daughter. After Edna and Edith agree to take on the case and begin their surveillance operation, they find themselves once again immersed in an abundance of criminal activity. In a comical yet dangerous chain of events, the sisters soon find themselves being chased by thugs and taking on murderers, jewel thieves, and strippersall while attempting to rescue two abused women and uncovering an illegal mens organization. Its just another day in the lives of Edna and Edith, a pair of crime-solving widows who never, ever do anything by the book.

In this lighthearted mystery, two elderly private investigators must follow a puzzling trail of clues that leads one of them straight into a coat closet.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Abbott Press
• Release date: Jul 8, 2013
• ISBN: 9781458210074

Barbara Oliver Fletcher

Barbara Oliver Fletcher was born in Worcester, Massachusetts, then lived in Brookfield, Massachusetts, for sixteen years until her move to California in 1969. A retired travel agent, she now resides in the small coastal community of Half Moon Bay, California, just south of San Francisco where she enjoys photography, binge-watching TV series, playing Bingo, and writing. Visit Barbara online at babaraoliverfletcher.com.

Book preview

Chapter 1

39964.jpg

Edna Barnes and Edith Johnson disembarked their plane from Miami at the Chicago Airport early that Thursday morning eager to go to work. For days they had looked forward to solving their first case as official, licensed, Private Investigators. They had just spent the last 5 days enjoying the Florida sunshine and spent some time with the two gentlemen they had met while on a stakeout in Milwaukee the month prior.

Edna and Edith were sisters in their late fifties and early sixties, both petite and attractive women. They had worked as secretaries and part-time sleuths for B&E Investigations in Chicago in the 1980s and ended up falling in love with and marrying the partners who owned the company.

Edna was married to Bill Barnes and they had one daughter, Ellen, who was once married to Roger Dawson, the Vice President of Dawson & Dawson, Attorneys at Law in Chicago. Ellen’s husband had a Mistress and they had devised a plan to swindle Ellen out of a fortune, until her mother and aunt stepped in and exposed his efforts to defraud her. She, in turn, used some of the money she received in her divorce settlement to set up her mom and aunt with their own private detective agency, E&E Investigations.

Edith married Bill’s partner Eric Johnson and they had two children. Eddie is 31, single, and is a Police Officer with the Hammond Police Department. Eddie lives nearby and is a stickler for the law and sometimes has a problem with the unorthodox ways Edith & Edna obtain their information. He frowns on their breaking and entering and illegal recordings and is constantly chastising them, to no avail. They now tell Eddie that all of their information was found lying in the street right in front of them.

Edith’s daughter Elaine lives in California with her husband, David, and their young daughter, Elizabeth. Edith and Elaine talk on the phone regularly, but rarely see each other unless one of them makes the trip.

The two sisters have gained a lot of experience in the private investigation field since they both had worked for the agency for many years and took part in many of B&E’s cases. They enjoyed the adrenaline rush they got from this line of work. They loved being back on stakeouts and investigating, and it made them both realize that this is what they should be doing with their lives. No more sitting home a prisoner to daytime TV’s Lets Make a Deal and Judge Judy.

Since both of their husbands had passed away, they sold their homes and pooled their money and purchased a new double wide mobile home in a senior mobile home park near Edna’s daughter, Ellen, and Edith’s son, Eddie. They loved living in God’s waiting room and enjoyed the amenities offered to them by the park.

Their home was quite large, with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, living room, kitchen, laundry room and family room. There’s plenty of room for the two of them plus guests, when needed. And it turns out that the extra room is needed quite often thanks to their good hearts and excellent detective work.

Once the plan to defraud Ellen had been discovered, the girls took advantage of being senior citizens and were able to snoop around without drawing any attention to themselves. Who’d ever think that two women in their late fifties and sixties would be spying on them? So when the bad guys made mistakes, the ladies were right there to catch those mistakes.

As a result of the ladies spying on Ellen’s husband they inadvertently ended up solving three cold case murders, a current murder, and two attempted murders and loved every minute of it. It was quite a feather in their caps.

Edna and Edith walked briskly into their new office eager to go to work on their first official case. Edna’s daughter, Ellen was sitting at the front desk. Good morning, ladies. How was Miami?

It was wonderful! Edna quipped with a wide grin.

Yeah, it was pretty awesome! Edith added smiling.

Okay! So who are Julia and Lorraine? Ellen asked.

Our alter egos. Edna said with a mischievous look on her face.

I don’t think I want to go there. Ellen decided after watching her mother’s expression.

No. Not a good idea, my dear. Edna chuckled. Actually they’re the names we used when we first met the Miami Misters in Milwaukee.

Okay, I’m not going to go there either. Julia? Or is it Lorraine? Are you ready to go to work? I have your cousin Elmo coming by in 20 minutes.

Good job, Ellen. Edith said. We’re ready and raring to go.

The ladies were tinkering around their offices changing things to better suit their needs when Elmo came through the door. He looked at Edna and Edith and announced loudly, Wow! Somebody got some serious sun this weekend!

Miami! Edith said cheerfully. We spent a few days there with friends. We just got back this morning.

Well you look great! It suits you both!

Come on in and sit down, Elmo. It’s good to see you. Edith said as they hugged and she ushered him through the door into Edna’s office. Tell us what’s going on.

Elmo Guardini stood about 5’6". He always wore a blue slouch hat to try to cover the fact that his hairline was receding and he called it his American Express hat. He never left home without it. He was on the paunchy side and always wore loose fitting pants, which made it appear that he had just lost about 50 pounds and hadn’t yet bought a pair of pants that fit his new physique. He actually looked a bit like Mario in the video game of the same name. He sat down in the chair opposite Edna.

It’s my daughter, Rosie. Cousin Elmo started. She’s dating this really sleazy looking guy, Butch something or other, and I’m worried about it getting too serious. I wanna know who this guy is and find out if he’s even half as sleazy as I think he is. He supposedly works for some security company as a security guard.

Don’t those companies have strict guidelines on who they hire? Edith asked.

Yeah. I thought they ran extensive background checks before they hired someone. Edna added.

I don’t know, maybe if he applied over the phone. But I just can’t see how they would hire him after meeting him. I mean, he looks like trouble, and he sounds like trouble! Elmo answered.

Do you know where he lives? Edith asked.

No. I don’t have many conversations with the guy, and Rosie doesn’t know either, thank goodness. At least that’s what she says, anyway.

How old is Rosie now? Edith asked.

She turned 21 a couple of months ago. Elmo said proudly.

Wow! She’s already 21? What ever happened to the time? The ladies were surprised to find out how old Rosie was. The last time they saw her at a family reunion she was about 12 years old, which reminded them, it’s time for another family reunion.

How long has she been seeing this guy? Edith inquired.

She met him when she went out with the girls to celebrate her 21st birthday. He was one of the security guards at the event. Elmo answered.

Do you know how old he is? Edna asked.

I only know he’s over 21.

Do you know when she’s going to see him again? Edna asked.

No, I don’t. Elmo said sadly. She leaves the house and I don’t know where she’s going. She’s 21 now and I don’t have any right to ask her anymore. And believe me, that’s a tough thing to do! She’s our only kid and it’s really hard to watch them grow up and go off on their own. I just want her to be safe. But you know kids. They think they know it all and we parents don’t know squat.

We understand that. You can’t tell her not to see this guy, she’s going to see who she wants to see and you have no say in it. Edith said understandably.

Do you still live at the same address, Elmo? Edna asked.

Yeah. 9504 Flynn Street in Oaklawn. We’ve been there almost 30 years now. And it’s gone by so quickly!

Wow! 30 years. I remember when you bought that house and it doesn’t seem like it was that long ago. Edna said surprised.

What does Rosie drive? Edith asked.

A 2010 Range Rover. She bought it about a month ago. Elmo answered.

Okay. Edna said. And is she working?

Yes. She works in an administrative office at Creighton Company. Cousin Elmo answered. She’s been with them for a couple years now and she really likes it.

That’s a great place to work. Edith noted. I’ve heard some really good things about them.

Yeah, she’s happy there. They treat their employees with respect. Elmo said. Pays well, too.

Does Rosie still live at home? Edith asked Elmo.

Yeah. For the time being, but I’m really afraid she’s gonna want to move in with this dirt bag!

If you’re correct on what you think about this guy, let’s hope not. Edna said. What are her hours at work?

Nine to five, Monday through Friday. Cousin Elmo answered. She has her weekends off.

We need a photo of her and if you have one of him, it would help. Edna said.

She probably has one in her room that I can snag. Elmo said. Maybe if I can give her some proof that he’s no good, it would make her see the light. Just telling her doesn’t cut it. She won’t buy it. I don’t know what I’m talking about, according to the people her age.

Well, Elmo, get those pictures to us as soon as possible and we’ll see what we can find out about this guy. Edna said.

I’ll bring them by this afternoon. Elmo said.

Elmo sat and chatted with the sisters about the family for about a half hour then left. The ladies watched as Elmo got into his car and drove away. Well, what do you think, Edna?

I have a feeling Elmo is right. Let’s see what we can find out.

They waited for Elmo to bring by the photographs then packed up Edna’s Honda and drove over to Hammond to the Creighton Company just before 5 o’clock and waited for Rosie to pull out of the parking lot. Creighton Company was a large brick building with the manufacturing of plastic containers on the first and second floors and offices on the top 3 floors. A few minutes later Rosie exited the lot in her 2010 Range Rover then turned right onto Lincoln Street. The ladies followed from a distance. She turned left onto Taylor Street and parked in front of a small house at 2110 Taylor, walked up the sidewalk and entered the house without knocking. Rosie stood about 5 feet and had long blonde hair. She was a little on the chunky side like her father and walked with a slight limp since she was born with one leg longer than the other. Her father offered to have this problem remedied, but Rosie didn’t seem to mind her little limp. She felt it was endearing and separated her from the rest of the pack.

I take it she’s been here before. Edna muttered as she watched Rosie enter the house without knocking.

The front yard of 2110 Taylor Street was a forest of weeds leading up to a house badly in need of maintenance. Shutters hung at an angle next to the frosted windows. Or maybe the windows weren’t frosted, but just desperately in need of washing. There was a black Z28 parked in the driveway. Edith snapped a picture of it and the license plate. The sidewalk leading from the street up to the front door had so many cracks that someone surely would have broken their mother’s back trying to avoid stepping on them.

About an hour later Rosie and a sleazy looking character exited the house. That must be Butch, and I can understand why Elmo is so concerned. Edith commented.

Butch stood about 6 feet with spiked blonde hair and was covered with tattoos. He wore a leather vest over a blue denim shirt with sleeves that looked like they had been cut off with a pair of garden shears. His jeans were so tight that Edna swore that she could see his raised appendix scar on his lower right body. Studded, black motorcycle boots set off the ensemble. He had his arm around Rosie as they walked down the sidewalk and got into her vehicle. She sat in the passenger seat and he got behind the wheel. The girls followed them to a motorcycle bar about a mile away but decided to wait in the car. I think we’d stand out like a sore thumb in that place. Edith laughed. We’ll just sit and wait until they come out.

Some time later Edna noticed Edith squirming in her seat. She ignored it for a while until she finally had to say something. Edith! Why are you squirming so much?

I have to pee.

Didn’t you go before we left the house? Edna asked.

Yes, I did. But I drank an extra-large Swirlee this afternoon and I’ve been holding it for over an hour and now I really have to go. Edith explained while squirming in her seat even more.

What do you want to do, Edith? Edna asked her.

I want to go pee! Edith answered abruptly.

And where do you intend on doing that, Edith? Edna asked. There’s nothing around here except for closed warehouses and businesses.

I don’t know, but this seat is starting to get more attractive by the minute.

Don’t even think about that, Edith! Go outside and pee next to the car.

Go outside and pull down my pants and my underwear and squat? Edith yelled with a look of disbelief on her face.

Yes. Haven’t you ever done that before?

Yes, I have. And I discovered that women can’t aim where they pee and I ended up peeing all over my pants and underwear.

Well, what else do you have in mind?

I’m going inside. I’ll keep my head down so Rosie and Butch don’t see me.

You’re going into a biker bar alone? Edna asked astonished.

What choice do I have, Edna? Edith said as she opened the door and stepped out. She quickly walked across the street and approached the door. Two big, burly-looking bikers came out the door just as Edith reached for the door knob. The door slammed into Edith and knocked her to the ground.

The bikers ran over to her and each grabbed a hand and pulled her back to her feet. We’re so sorry, ma’am. We didn’t see you.

Edith started doing the pee-pee dance as they stood and apologized. No problem, guys. Thanks.

She ran through the door into the bar and continued on pushing her way through the crowd. Edith was dressed in a pair of champagne colored dress pants and a lacy long sleeved champagne colored blouse and stood out from the crowd of leather-clad, tattooed bikers like a sore thumb. She had everyone’s attention as she pushed her way through the crowd. She didn’t know where she was going, but figured the restrooms had to be at the back of the room. She saw a sign for RESTROOMS and headed down the dark hallway until she came to a door. She yanked it open and hurried in. She came face to face with a urinal. She opened the door and looked out into the hallway where a line had formed of women waiting to use the ladies room. Screw it! She yelled as she went back into the men’s room and locked the door. She tried the door to the stall but it was locked. She pulled down her pants and underwear and straddled the urinal. She let out a loud Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

She heard the stall door unlock and heard the door slowly open. She turned her head and could see a man peeking out of the stall. Aren’t you in the wrong place, lady? She heard a man’s voice say.

Yes. Yes, I am, but have you seen the length of the line for the ladies room?

Yeah. It’s always like that.

Well, dear, if you’ll just close your door for a moment I’ll be out of your hair. She heard the door close and latch. She stood up and looked for toilet paper, but there was none.

Excuse me, sir. Could you throw out a roll of toilet paper or at least a good handful of it?

Sure, lady. Hold on. She heard the roll being turned and then saw a wad of paper come sailing over the stall door and caught it. Thanks.

She slid off the urinal and pulled up her underwear and pants. She walked over to the sink and washed her hands and dried them. She opened the bathroom door and started walking out the door. Thank you, sir. I’m out of here now. She heard the door latch open as the door closed behind her. What a nice man. She said to herself.

She made her way down the dark hallway into the sea of leather-clad bikers in the bar. A bushy-haired biker grabbed her arm and offered to buy her a drink.

No. No, thank you. I’m just passing through.

Edith turned around to the correct direction of the front door and came face to face with a grey-haired biker-chick. Hi, honey.

Edith stopped and stared at this woman in a leather vest with tattoos on both arms and the side of her neck. Hi. She answered nervously.

Can I buy you a drink? She asked as she caressed Edith’s arm.

No. No, thanks. I’m just trying to make it to the door.

Why do you have to leave? Hang around for a while. I can make it well-worthwhile for you to stay, honey.

Thanks, but I really have to go. I have someone waiting for me in the car.

I bet she can’t be as good to you as I can. The biker chick informed Edith as she licked her lips and reached around and grabbed Edith’s butt with both hands.

Edith broke loose of the woman and started to make her way through the crowded bar with the biker chick in pursuit. She crammed a piece of paper into Edith’s hand. Edith crumpled it up in her hand and zigzagged her way out the front door and ran across the street to Edna and the car.

So how was your trip, Edith? Edna asked while trying to stifle her laughter.

Met some great people while I was gone. Met a really polite gentlemen in the men’s room. He even passed me some toilet paper when I was finished peeing in the urinal. Then I got a nice butt massage on the way out. Had a great time. Edith answered with a giggle. You should have gone with me. It was quite an adventure. She opened up the piece of crumpled paper. I even got a phone number!

Really? I’m sorry I missed that. Edna said as she started laughing. Within moments they were both engulfed in laughter. That was one for the books! And they laughed some more.

Rosie and Butch stayed inside for a couple of hours before they came back out and then he was all over her. Why do nice girls always go for bad boys? Edna asked inquisitively.

Good question! Edith answered.

Rosie and Butch drove back to 2110 Taylor and parked in the street for a few minutes. They were going at it pretty hot and heavy in the front seat for a while and then they got out of the car and he grabbed her by the hand and pulled her up the sidewalk to the house. They were both laughing and carrying on. Well, we know what’s going to happen next. Edith said.

Yup. They’re gonna be a while. So let’s go get some dinner.

They drove around until they found a McDonald’s and got Big Macs, fries and 2 sodas to go and then drove back and parked across from Butch’s house. A couple of hours later, Rosie came out of the house, got into her car, and drove away. A few minutes later Butch came out of the house and walked over to the 1991 black Camaro Z28 Coupe parked in the driveway and got in it. The girls ducked down in the seat when he backed out of the driveway, then started the car and followed behind him. He drove for about 5 miles then turned left onto Sidney Street. He pulled the Z28 into the driveway at 6608 Sidney Street and parked next to a red 2011 Cadillac Escalade and got out of the car. He took out his keys and walked up the walkway to the front door and put the key in the lock and opened the door.

Sidney Street was in the better part of Hammond with large, spacious homes and well-kept, manicured lawns. 6608 Sidney Street looked like something out of the pages of Better Homes & Gardens. The Mayor of Hammond could possibly have lived there, but not Butch. He was definitely out of his element.

Well, what do we have here? Edna asked curiously then she grabbed a pen light, pen and paper from her purse and cautiously walked up the driveway and wrote down the license plate numbers and came back to the car. She handed the paper to Edith so she could call Eddie.

I don’t know, but I’m going to call Eddie with these license plates and have him check them out.

Johnson here. Eddie answered.

Hi, Eddie. Get a pen and some paper. I have some license plates for you to check for us.

Okay, I’m ready. Eddie said.

Edith gave him the plate numbers and asked Eddie to get back to her as soon as he found anything. Mom, I got some great news today!

Really? What is it?

I finally made Detective!

Congratulations, Eddie! I knew you could do it. You’ve worked so hard and now you’ve finally made it. I’m so proud of you, son! His mom said. Hey! Edna! Eddie made Detective!

Good for him. I’m proud of him. Edna yelled back. Congratulations, Eddie!

They talked about his promotion and his new office for a few minutes and then they hung up.

It was about 11:00 pm when the front door opened and a man stepped out. It was dark, but in the moonlight they could make out a nicely groomed, well-dressed man in a suit. They watched him walk across the front of the house and get into