Dreams and Realities: A Memoir of Love, Loss and Resilience

By Mildred Santiago-Vélez

Like many young girls growing up in the 1950s, author Mildred Santiago-Vlez dreamed of a perfect life with the perfect husband and perfect children. But reality interrupted those dreams and caused her to face a tragedy she had never imagined. In Dreams and Realities, she narrates her story and the devastating events that marked and changed her lifea life that centers on love, loss, and resiliency.

In this memoir, Mildred tells about her family life in Brooklyn, New York, where she was born, and of living most of her adult life in the Caribbean island of Puerto Rico. Dreams and Realities shares how Mildred did find a perfect husband and thought she had the perfect children. But she soon discovered that her precious Yvonne, Maritza, and Eddie Jr. were afflicted with a rare type of muscle disease that caused them to die in infancy. Her dream was shattered.

A story of joy, dreams, disappointments, pain, and grief, Dreams and Realities describes how these heartbreaking events changed Mildred, and it recounts the choices she made to overcome her adverse circumstances to become a testimony to the power of love and faith.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Abbott Press
• Release date: Dec 17, 2013
• ISBN: 9781458212771

Mildred Santiago-Vélez

Mildred Santiago-Vélez, PhD, former professor of English at the University of Puerto Rico- Bayamón, has published various articles and poems in the academic journal Milenio-UPRB. Selected poems have also been published in Festschrift: Homenaje al Dr. Carlos Varona Duque Estrada. She is married to Eddie L. Vélez.

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Copyright © 2013 Mildred Santiago-Vélez.

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ISBN: 978-1-4582-1276-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4582-1277-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013921322

Abbott Press rev. date: 11/27/2013

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1   Family, A Cultural Legacy

Chapter 2   Life in Motion

Chapter 3   The Island of Enchantment

Chapter 4   Love and Marriage

Chapter 5   Purgatory and Other Passages

Chapter 6   A Dream Becomes Reality

Chapter 7   Yvonne

Chapter 8   Shattered Dream

Chapter 9   Writing and Catharsis

Chapter 10   Maritza

Chapter 11   The Fragility of Life

Chapter 12   Decisions, Decisions

Chapter 13   …And More Decisions

Chapter 14   Renewed Hope

Chapter 15   Life Has No Simple Solutions

Chapter 16   A Million Little Pieces

Chapter 17   Numbness, Guilt, Doubt, Acceptance

Chapter 18   A New Path

Chapter 19   A Journey Unforeseen

Chapter 20   Looking Back, Moving On

Bibliography

In loving memory of my children,

Yvonne, Maritza, and Eddie Jr.

Acknowledgments

The following persons contributed in different ways to the publication of this book. Heartfelt thanks to my readers and editors Dr. Dan Tannacito, Dr. Carmen May, Dr. Mary López-Adams, Estelle Mournighan and Carla Bortnick. Their insightful comments and sensitive editing helped shape this book.

I also want to thank Elaine Grae, Rose Martens, Barbara Loy, and Melinda Joy Miller, members of the writing group I belong to in my community, Legacy of Leesburg, and which Estelle Mournighan leads. Their insightful comments and suggestions were always well received.

I especially want to thank my husband, Eddie L. Vélez, sister, Abby, and brothers, Joseph and John, for their unwavering support and love throughout the years and the writing of this book.

No man is an island, entire of itself… John Donne

Introduction

Circumstances, Choices, and Outcomes

As far back as I can remember I was surrounded by a large, loving family that always celebrated life, that is, holidays, marriages, childbirths, graduations, and other milestones. Most of my fourteen aunts and uncles were married and had at least two children each, some had four, five and even seven. These numbers translated into family gatherings that were always boisterous and fun-filled. Because of the unforgettable family-centered moments, at a young age I began to dream that someday I too would become a mother. I fantasized about my own happy kingdom with an almost perfect husband and at least three rambunctious children running around our home. As a teenager I added the dream of becoming a teacher. I wanted it all, a profession, marriage, and motherhood; it was the promise of the sixties. As a young adult I learned the hard way that not all dreams come true.

My first dream to tumble and stow away deep within was the one where I became a teacher. When I graduated from high school decisions were made for me that did not include going to college. When I was twenty-one I did marry a great guy and over the years I became the mother of three children who seemed to be very healthy, but to my surprise and dismay, too soon I found out they were not. Each one was taken from me during their infancy by a disease I had never heard of until it pummeled my dream life: mitochondrial myopathy. These events and ensuing choices changed my path.

More than thirty years have passed since the loss of my last child and there are still moments when I wonder if I made the right decisions along the way. Perhaps that is something I will never know for sure. All I know is that my marriage survived the heartbreaking losses that affected us both, and that I have reaped joy from the outcomes of some decisions. Many times I wished for a crystal ball so I could look to the future and know that the decisions I had to make were the best. Of course, that magical crystal ball only exists in fairytales. Reality is that all decisions have outcomes, whether we consider them favorable or unfavorable, and even if we make them after much thought, there are no guarantees. What made a significant difference in my case is that in the midst of painful and difficult situations, my decisions were bolstered by the love and support of my husband, family, and friends.

One significant decision that helped my recovery process is that I regained a sense of purpose and value in my life by deciding to take hold of a dream I thought lost, to become an educator. I was 42 years of age when I first stood in front of a classroom filled with first year students who were anxious and nervous about their first day at the university. Little did they know that the woman who stood before them was just as anxious and nervous as they were but with the added sentiment of overwhelming joy and satisfaction that the realization of a lifelong dream has the power to bestow. I was meant to be a teacher.

Nevertheless, in spite of having rebuilt a relatively satisfying life, there has always been one thought that sporadically haunts me: Who will remember me when I am gone? I do not have children; they are the ones called to remember, to look at old pictures and reminisce about the moments lived with Mom and Dad. Children are supposed to outlive their parents and thereby provide them with an aura of immortality. On the other hand, who will remember my children? That is why I write. I write to preserve the memories of a family. I write to tell about my children’s short-lived lives. I write to preserve the memory of us, a couple who loved each other throughout the best and worst of times. I write because when my husband and I are gone, these printed words will remain as our legacy. I write because we need to tell our stories so that we and those who know us don’t forget. My story is about joys, hopes, dreams, disappointments, sadness, pain and grief, but most of all, about love and resilience.

My deep rooted belief is that love, in all of its manifestations: agape (love which is of and from God; a spiritual love); storge (familial love); philia (friendship/brotherly love); eros (passionate love with sensual desire); paves the road to resilience and sustains us throughout the different life experiences that come our way. There are countless verses in the Bible that talk about the need for love in our lives, however, the following chapter from the first book of Corinthians without doubt proclaims the eminence and endurance of love and that without it we have nothing.

I may speak in different languages of people or even angels. But if I do not have love, I am only a noisy bell or a crashing cymbal. I may have the gift of prophesy. I may understand all the secret things of God and have all knowledge, and I may have faith so great I can move mountains. But even with all these things, if I do not have love, then I am nothing. I may give away everything I have, and I may even give my body as an offering to be burned. But I gain nothing if I do not have love. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love takes no pleasure in evil but rejoices over the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures. Love never ends. There are gifts of prophecy, but they will be ended. There are gifts of speaking in different languages, but those gifts will stop. There is the gift of knowledge, but it will come to an end. The reason is that our knowledge and our ability to prophesy are not perfect. But when perfection comes, the things that are not perfect will end. When I was a child, I talked like a child. When I became an adult, I stopped those childish ways. It is the same with us. Now we see a dim reflection, as if we were looking into a mirror, but then we shall see clearly. Now I know only a part, but then I will know fully, as God has known me. So these three things continue forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.      1 Corinthians 13

Mildred Santiago

Leesburg, FL

September, 2013

One

Family, A Cultural Legacy

The Path

From the moment we are born,

until we take our last breath,

we embark on an unpredictable journey

that takes us step by step from road to road,

through treacherous ups & downs,

around dark bends,

across peaceful plateaus.

Sometimes the way is pleasant & gratifying,

other times distressing, even painful,

but we continue walking.

Sometimes we move with determination,

perhaps driven by our dreams & expectations;

other times we move in fear & distrust

as we come upon paths that are obliged,

with no detours or returns in sight.

Helpless, we stand by, watching

as some of our dreams fall by the wayside,

requiring we reconfigure, change direction,

and begin anew.

It is then that we dare question the Cartographer,

we want to know why…why?…why?

There is no explanation,

yet somehow, no matter our dreams and realities,

the unexpected, or the disappointments,

deep within we find the will to continue on our way,

impelled by a force beyond our understanding.

Finally, we know…

We accept that till we breathe our last breath,

it is our path, ours alone,

and no one else can walk it for us.

Blanca was 23 when her life began going down a path unknown and she was afraid. Her mother’s close friend drove her from the rural farm where she lived with her family to the bustling coastal town of Arecibo, Puerto Rico. There she boarded a train to the capital, San Juan. She