The Unspoken Journey of Life

By Lerato Nthati Dorah Tsamai

This autobiography reveals the life of Lerato Nthati Dorah Tsamai, achieving success against the odds: An honest and graphic true story: Her life, Her Soul Surviving, Healing and thriving after an Abusive Marriage. In the first part of her story, she lay bare the lifelong difficulties she survived in her life, and how she met her violent husband. The mistake she made for choosing to be with the wrong person.

The lessons that you learn from this book are broad, deep, profound, and practical, as they had been developed from her true life story of real experience of diverse gained from within her abusive life. How she wanted so much to become a butterfly and give up being a caterpillar. Indeed there were no justification resentments she wished to walk along the extra mile and enjoy inner peace and success on every step of the path. By becoming more loving towards herself, to attract more of the higher, faster energies and begin to change whats inner her. In her thought to cultivate an inner voice and altitude thats hundred percent of the time for herself.

She was not afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, her God was with her. He did not fail her or forsake her. No matter how serious her problems were, Gods love was greater. She put her trust in him, for nothing is surer than the power of Gods love. She always remembers that God is her refuge from all harms, and underneath this refuge are the everlasting arms so she cast her burden to him. She seeks his counsel when distressed and went to him for comfort when she was lonely and oppressed for God is her encouragement in trouble, trials, suffering, and in sorrow. He turned her tears to smiles. For theres absolutely nothing too much for God to do.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Mar 19, 2012
• ISBN: 9781469180328

Book preview

Copyright © 2012 by Lerato Nthati Dorah Tsamai.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2012904280

ISBN:      Hardcover     978-1-4691-8031-1

                Softcover       978-1-4691-8030-4

                eBook            978-1-4691-8032-8

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 07/31/2014

Xlibris LLC

0-800-056-3182

www.xlibrispublishing.co.uk

518511

When I look back on my childhood and married life I wonder how I survived at all. "If there is one central theme, in which I have always believed, it is this: the secret of life is to be positive and to try your best. To get on the front foot, get stuck in and give it every-thing. That’s what I have tried to do, in my work place and in every other aspect of my life. For many years, this approach seemed something instinctive inside of me. It was an attitude that just happened and I struggled to explain exactly what I meant.

In the first part of my story, I lay bare the lifelong difficulties I survived in my life; my life as a young child, how I met my violent husband, how I struggled to become a better person. It is a story of surviving, healing and thriving after an abusive marriage.

The lessons that you will learn from this book are broad, deep, profound, and practical and these are all experiences from my life. It is a story of an abusive relationship. I wanted to become a butterfly and instead of a caterpillar. I longed to walk along the path of happiness and to enjoy an inner peace and success along every step of the way. I hoped to change my thoughts, cultivate an inner voice and have a more positive attitude towards myself.

I was not afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God was with me. He did not fail me nor forsake me. No matter how serious my problems were—God’s love was greater. I put my trust in Him, for nothing is surer than the power of God’s love. The Lord is my salvation and my strength in every fight; God is my refuge from all harm, and underneath this refuge were His everlasting arms—so I cast my burden to God. I seek his counsel when distressed and go to him for comfort when I am lonely and oppressed—for God is my encouragement in trouble, trials, suffering, and in sorrow. He turned my tears to smiles.

Today I do not forget to tell people about God. I have prayed as I walked along in silence in the darkness to the tune of a song, and God was listening.

I met my now ex-husband when I was sixteen and a half years old. We started dating, and at that time, I did not think he was abusive. As I look back, however, I see signs that I should have picked up on. We married when I was twenty-four years old. Things were good for the first year; then my husband became verbally abusive. He would insult me

and tell me that I would be nothing without him. Not long after that, he became physically abusive.

My motivation in writing my story: is encourage, motivate and inspire young people about dating and to guide them on how to break the chains of an abusive relationship, when their partners turn violent.

I recount vivid memories of growing-up without my mother and the experiences of dating a violent person and getting married to him because of my need for security. How I nearly lost my firstborn after a domestic violence assault while I was pregnant.

How I was not able to break the emotional and psychological chains of my abuser but through the Grace of our Lord, I survived my husband leaving me. I spent most of my time helping others deal with their abusive partners because of my experiences. I had first-hand experience and understanding of these disorders. Sometimes it’s easy to lose focus when you are in an abusive relationship. I am a survivor of a marriage that turned abusive. I forged a path through confusion, love, obligation, and emotional damage to safety and true life; my experience and insight are shared in this book. I am confident that the book would trigger useful, constructive, educative conversation amongst couples or partners, talking and learning about each other, thereby contributing to peace and stability in their relationship, instead of abusing or killing one another. Young people—please do not rush into marriage for want of security and lack of accommodation. Study and develop yourself in order to meet future challenges. Stand on your own feet and reach for your dreams; I repeat, never ever depend on the next person for your future. Work hard, fight for your life because in the end, you will thank yourself for your achievement and people will admire you.

There are so many opportunities out there. I quote Percy Sledge, the singer’s song: ‘Take time to know her, it’s not an overnight thing. Take time to know her. Please don’t rush into this thing.’ That song was a lesson to me; unfortunately, I cannot rewind the clock. The damage is done. It is too late to start life again. When you go through disappointments or setbacks, instead of getting down and discouraged or giving-up, choose to have a positive attitude.’ When you are in the light, everything follows you, but when you are in the dark, even your own shadow doesn’t follow you. As I sailed through life, I didn’t avoid storms or troubled water, I just let them pass and sailed on. I always remember that calm seas never make skilful sailors.

If you come across an obstacle or an impasse, pay attention, but don’t focus on it for too long or your feet may sink into the quicksand that surrounds it. Find the courage to surmount it and continue on your journey. I offer my hand to those I come across who are stuck in their own personal sand traps, but I do not point them in any direction; I feel that they must make their own decisions. I hope to guide them and let them know that they are never alone, and that they will eventually find the way. As parents, we have the capability and the power to teach love, tolerance and respect to our children so they can emulate us as role models and learn how to love and respect their partners. My belief is that charity begins at home. To defeat someone is easy but to earn someone’s respect is more of a challenge. My advice is: Never play with people’s emotions; you may win the game; but you may lose the person. My special plea to all in-laws, Stop interfering with our children’s partners and cause friction in their private lives.

We work hard to teach our children good values at home, but outside influences often impact their lives and confuse them.

It would therefore be of considerable advantage to our precious children to constantly familiarise themselves with their daily world and help them develop their worldview. I didn’t sweat the little things in my life, and I didn’t let them get me down or put lines on my face that create that anxious frown. Instead, I spent my time learning to contemplate because these little things that mean so much demanded my concentration—for they were gifts from God. We all need to live life to the fullest each day! Worry about nothing, and pray about everything. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.

Always remember that time is a unique resource; we must use it wisely and forever realise that the time is always ripe to do right. Life is not about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship. It is not about how we care in the beginning; but how much we grow and nourish one another in a relationship. When I think back to the twenty-five-year-old girl that I was, lying on the floor of my backyard cottage and wondering what I was supposed to do now? The only thought that came to mind was that getting out of that situation was impossible. I was helpless. Not for lack of trying, but no matter how hard I tried, I was still stuck. No matter what I did, I felt like there was no way for me to change things or to get my life back. I no longer have contact with my ex; I live in a secure estate and there is no chance that I will run into him in my daily life.

Even though I am out of the situation, I still feel the panic I felt during the worst moments, and still wonder how I survived. I never used to have enough sleep when we were still together. I only started to relax and rest once he had left. So at last I started the next day feeling refreshed and healthy again. Nothing on earth can make life more worthwhile than the sunshine and warmth of a beautiful smile. It seems so far away now; a distant memory. When I re-read these pages, I remember what it was like. I have stuffed my abusive experience way down inside because it hurt so much.

It was a marriage from which I managed (eventually) to escape thirteen years ago when I was forty-nine years old. Wow! A lot transpired in thirteen years. I can see that over time I became addicted to the abuse, to the drama; it was this addiction I was finding hard to let go off. Being abused distorts my sense of reality. I saw everyone as a potential perpetrator and every situation as potentially negative or challenging. I became paranoid. It happened as if I was imprisoned by it and subjected to it for long enough. Unfortunately, people asked me many questions over the past years –Why didn’t you just tell him to leave you alone? Why you didn’t just leave? Why didn’t you just stop talking to him? Why did you let yourself get stuck in something like this? These were questions often asked by well-meaning (but totally misinformed) friends.

After I’d started disclosing things about my abusive marriage, I used to think about it deeply. It seems so simple—I mean, why didn’t I just leave? What was stopping me? I did leave, on several occasions, but I kept going back, especially after he showed signs of remorse and love towards me. It is a question I never could truly understand until after he left the final time.

Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping. What was really going on? Some people think I was weak for letting this happen to myself but I was stuck. Things were never going to be okay again! What they didn’t understand was they have never been in a similar situation themselves. I’ve wondered the same thing for years, and the bottom line was that it was just not that easy. I was dealing with an abuser; it was like I was playing a game in which the other person had no rules and did not follow directions. There was no way to win; just when I felt like I was making progress, the rules would change again. I would be one space away from the end, thinking I was ahead and about to finish the game, and then my ex would simply reach over, pick up my piece, and put it back on the starting spot. When I asked why he did that, or said that it was not fair, he would respond by shrugging and telling me that it was my fault. It was not a fight I could win. Believe you me, I tried. I tried for years to fight for myself. I tried to stand my ground. I even tried ending the relationship and moving on.

None of it worked. And more importantly, my ex was a master at turning everything around so that it was somehow my fault. Even when things were black and white, he would find a grey area and then flip everything back on to me. Over time, it wore me down. It made me feel like I was going crazy. Worst of all, I felt like something I had done causing things to be the way he was. Excuses I used to make: If things could just go back to the way they were, if we could just find a way back to how it was in the beginning, then everything will be fine. We had the perfect relationship before we had our first child. Some people don’t find love like we had in their entire lives—how can I let that go?

This is my ex and me that I’m talking about; we were the perfect couple when we first met. His friends admired our relationship, asking what is it we do that we are so close to one another. How can I ever let go of that? I can’t give up on him. I promised him that I will never give up on him when he went to jail. I was the only person that he could depend on. His life was so hard, and I was the only good thing in his life. If I leave him, I will destroy him.

I thought to myself, ‘No one will ever love me as much as he loved me.’ The only way to win was to stop playing the game. As long as I stay in the relationship I will lose. There might be times when things were better for a while. After several years of abuse, my ex swore he will change, but I knew deep down that things will never be the same. The abuse cycle started again no matter how much he promised that he will change.

Reviews for The Unspoken Journey of Life

[Athena Mabuto · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

The Unspoken Journey Of Life is such an excellent book and it is so heartfelt, it really shows the youth that you mustn't depend on other people because in the end it doesn't work well for you. I truly recommend this book for the young ones!