This Book May Be My Laster and Also My Worster Which Is Baddera Than Awfuler

By Xlibris US

This current publication is an additional collection of humorous essays.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 23, 2014
• ISBN: 9781499070507

Book preview

Copyright © 2011 by Bernice Zakin.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2014916553

ISBN:          Hardcover          978-1-4990-7051-4

                    Softcover             978-1-4990-7052-1

                    eBook                 978-1-4990-7050-7

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 10/22/2014

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

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Contents

A Bubby Micie

A Caring Friend

A Conversation With Bernice

A Numerical Solution

A Really Bad Day

A Sad Tale

A Strange Thing

A Thought Worth Contemplating

A Toothsome Episode

Aging Or Not

Alas Poor Obama

All In The Family

A.m. Getting Up

An Accident Incident

An Udder Book?

An Unusual Incident

Anything Worthwhile In This Book Is Purely Coincidental

Autumnal Activities

Belly Russe

Big Is Beautiful

Birthday Blues

Blank

Body Parts

Celebration

Celebrations

Clichés

Common Expressions

Confused

Cut It Out

Date Book

Disease

Does This Give You The Willies?

Double Trouble

Embarassing Moments

Everyone Else Loved The Movie But I Was Bored

Eye See!

Fear Of Heights

Flash!

Food For Thought?

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

Halloween At The Home

Happy Birthday To Far Away Debberino

Harken

Hello

Hey Hey Doc

Hi Jesus!

Home Is Where You Have To Pay Rent

Hope

How I Changed My World And When It Started

How To Be A Good Skate

How To Be The Teacher Of This Class?

How To Link Out

How To Vote

Ideas In The Night

If And Where To Snack

Ill Annoying

Il Pleut

Insomnia

I Think I Am Listless

I’ve Got You Under My Skin

I Wonder

Joan

Late For The Date

Latitude

Longevity - Long May It Live!

Lost And Found

Mail

Mason

Mauled At The Mall

Me

Me And Them

Mistaken Identity

My Apartment

My Bathroom Memories

My Doctor

My Kids

My Life Is An Open Book

My New Life

My Problem

My Resume

My Sighs For My Size

New Is The New

News Flash

Nobody Knows Anybody

No Fly Zone

No More

No Thank You I’d Rather Stay Home

Off They Go

Once Upon A Time

On The Other Hand

Over Heard

Preventive Medicine

Republican Rogues

Secrets

She Knows It All

Showers

Sordid Revelations

Telling Tales

The American Obsession With Firearms Invades Our Conversations

The Battle Is On

The Big Day

The Bridge Of Sighs

The Card Room

The Couple

The Early Me

The Emperor Has No Clothes Or The Bully In The School Yard

The End?

The Inside Story

The Old Neighborhood

The Real Me

The Seat Of Luxury

The Secret Is Out

The Whiner

Things Are Not Always What They Seem To Be Initially

This Is A Ferry Tale

This Is A Poem

Time Flies

Time Marches On

Tommy Toe

To Think

Trayvon

Two Of A Kind

Vacation Clothes Woes

Viewpoint

Water Water Everywhere

What’s In A Name?

What To Do?

Where Did They Go?

Where Do Or Did They Go?

Where Is It One?

Where Is It Two?

Which Is He?

Whine Not

Who Is It? (A Tragic Situation!)

Who Lives In Those Cute Little Houses?

Why Worry

Winner Take Hall

Winter Woes

Word Problems

Write Or Wrong

You Can’t Take It With You

Finally – Finis

PREVIOUS BOOKS WRITTEN BY BERNICE ZAKIN

POETRY

From Bad To Verse Or The Verse Is Yet To Come

Cool Verse And Hot Doggerel

OTHER BOOKS

If You Take The Train Home Where Do You Put It?

At Last Inanimate Objects Speak Up

Alphabetically Alliterative Collection Of Corny Compositions

Grandma Has A Tale

I Went, I Saw, I Ate

Stuff From Out Of My Head

Stuff I Forgot To Remember

This Book May Be My Laster And Also My Worster Which Is Baddera Than Awfuler

DEDICATION

(A repeat from previous books but always relevant)

Always to the memory of my late husband Albert Zakin

To my children Nancy and Jeff, and Barbi and Ken

All my grandchildren: Lizzie and Jon, Carly and Peter, Andy and Dana, David and Susan, Kenny and Alyson and Debbie and Michael

Finally my great grandchildren: 13 in number and they are not to be slighted, but are too numerous to name individually

(I do know their names however!)

AGAIN

Well here I am again after I practically took an oath that I would not write another book. So okay I’m a Liar!

Actually I am still not positive that this current amount of writing will evolve into a complete volume, but because several ideas keep bouncing around in my noodle, what else can I possibly do.

I can’t just leave them to muddle up my brain. If I did then my head would be very messy so out of sheer desperation I decided to write an additional book.

Frankly I don’t believe I should be pleased about having another publication because I doubt if Elise will be particularly happy to type all of it as I will admit that my handwriting is almost impossible to decipher and it will be very much a strain on her eyes. Then too I am not so sure Marcus will be willing to purchase all my printing ink.

Besides which, I am already exhausted just thinking about all the Costco trips I will have to make in order to buy more yellow pads, typing paper and pens.

The sad thing is that I can never go to Costco for just these necessaries. It is impossible to leave there without toilet tissue, Kleenex, paper towels, napkins, books, some food stuff, and an occasional article of clothing, plus lunch, therefore the cost of such visits are humongous!

In any event herein is my new book. However if none of you care to read it I really don’t mind. You can pretend you read it or you can even tell me you liked it. Actually I personally didn’t like it so much myself. But what the heck, here it is anyway.

P.S. Hopefully it will be fun for any possible old readers and who knows, I may also develop some new ones along the way. (I actually have two readers!)

NOTHING IN PARTICULAR

BUT IMPORTANT

This entire book is the result of the collaborative efforts of the Xlibris staff who did the actual printing and handled all the technicalities of its production and publication.

And let’s not forget Elise Alarimo who transcribed all of the material and conducted the business end so ably. She made the many telephone calls, filled out various forms and arranged the entire table of contents, etc and was incredibly involved throughout this entire procedure. All in all she has been a positive treasure.

Finally, I (Bernice) designed and drew the book’s front cover as I did with all 9 of my other books and of course I am totally responsible for the literary contents.

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A BUBBY MICIE

It’s absolutely true. I had a bubby which most Americanized Jewish people now call a great grandmother, and I recall mine quite vividly.

As to the word Micie, this in no way refers to my great grandmother as being part of a race of varmints. In no way was she part mouse. I believe it is just a common expression of the Yiddish variety which indicates a grandma story.

At any rate my bubby was a tiny lady who wore a wig and was very pleasant. She was also the former wife of 4 husbands, although not at the same time, and she died falling down a flight of stairs enroute to a wedding (not hers). I also think she missed the ceremony.

Actually I only met her once when I was about 8 years old and she came to visit my maternal grandmother, (her son was my maternal grandfather).

I remember being quite impressed to learn that she was 94 years old, which seemed terribly aged to me at that time. Today of course I am not aghast at that number of years as I even have a neighbor aged 106 who still plays bridge.

My bubby most definitely did not play bridge although she probably wore one in her mouth attached to some teeth.

Relatively speaking (no pun intended), I consider myself to be very fortunate to have had a great grandmother despite the fact that today I am one myself.

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A CARING FRIEND

My good friend Elaine Winick called me recently and asked why my voice sounded so strange. I told her that I had a Hoarse in my throat.

Elaine whose sense of humor is similar to mine, then asked me what kind of Horse it was.

Naturally I replied A colt!

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A CONVERSATION WITH BERNICE

A conversation with me can be very enlightening. A person can soon find out everything about me as you will now discover.

For instance

1. Question- Bernice how would you like to have dinner with me at Peter Lugers, the steak is truly divine?

2. Answer - I don’t eat meat

3. Question - Bernice would you care to go to that new fish restaurant in Roslyn one night?

4. Answer - I don’t really like fish

5. Question - My car is being fixed so would you mind driving to Stresa’s restaurant in Manhasset one evening?

6. Answer - I don’t drive at night

7. Question - Would you care to go to the Ballet this Saturday. I believe Swan Lake is on the program?

8. Answer - I saw it many times.

9. Question - I just read the best book Me Before You would you care to borrow it.

10. Answer - I read it.

11. Question - I hear you are having a birthday next week. How old are you going to be?

12. Answer - I can’t remember and it’s none of your business.

13. Question - By the way for which of the two candidates for mayor do you intend voting.

14. Answer - Yes

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A NUMERICAL SOLUTION

There presently exists in our hemisphere a species of people who are called Mothers, and these individuals have a great deal in common with a group termed as their children.

Now these mothers in some instances are forced to relinquish their function as successful arbiters in the business world in order to assume their new roles as household persons.

At that time they also have what we refer to as complete control over the bodies and minds of their little ones i.e. the children.

This includes defevering them and tending to them during periods of childhood diseases such as measles and chicken pox, etc.

Also this covers the feeding, clothing and bathing of them, plus attending to all of what the children consider to be their important needs.

This care is totally without recompense. Motherly services are free of charge, mostly out of what we call the goodness of their maternal hearts.

As a result, motherly