Memory Mountain

By Catherine Buggay-Thomas

My husband Brian and I live in Georgia. This is my fi rst book and I am currently working on my second. Its our dream to one day travel the National Parks and enjoy nature. How exciting it would be to enjoy the pleasures of writing in the surroundings of a National Park. I enjoyed writing this book so much. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed
writing it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Dec 11, 2013
• ISBN: 9781493127054

Catherine Buggay-Thomas

My husband Brian and I live in Georgia. This is my fi rst book and I am currently working on my second. It’s our dream to one day travel the National Parks and enjoy nature. How exciting it would be to enjoy the pleasures of writing in the surroundings of a National Park. I enjoyed writing this book so much. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Book preview

Copyright © 2013 by Catherine Buggay-Thomas.

ISBN:          Softcover                                 978-1-4931-2704-7

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4931-2705-4

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Rev. date: 12/04/2013

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Contents

MEMORY MOUNTAIN

PART ONE

PART TWO

PART THREE

PART FOUR

PART FIVE

THIS BOOK IS

DEDICATED TO MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND

ERIC B THOMAS

MEMORY MOUNTAIN

A brand new, navy blue, pickup truck with a trailer in tow sat idling at a traffic light. As if in a dream playing out in slow motion, two cars collided in the intersection just in front of the pickup. Bam! Screech! Squeal… it was all over in a matter of a split second. The twisted metal of one of the vehicles, a small red economy car, barely resembled a vehicle at all anymore. The second vehicle, a rather large green sedan, was completely smashed on the front end and down the entire driver’s side. The smell of burnt rubber and radiator steam permeated the pickup even though all of the windows were completely closed.

Ellaynah sat alone in the pickup, the first vehicle at the traffic light, and just watched the accident occur. There was not a feeling of shock, nor disbelief, she was not even startled. Her eyes were transfixed, just blankly watching as the accident occurred. There was a feeling of numbness, no emotional impact at all. It felt as if she was hypnotically watching, but not really paying attention to a boring old black and white movie. It seemed as if something imaginary had just happened. She felt nothing at all, just a void empty feeling deep down inside. The accident had no emotional impact on her whatsoever. Why was she not experiencing any of the normal emotional responses that a person should be feeling after watching such a horrendous accident occur? It wasn’t just her lack of emotional response to the accident that bothered her; there was no emotional response to anything in her entire life.

Traffic quickly began to back up in all four directions surrounding the intersection. In a matter of minutes there were fire trucks, ambulances, and police cruisers everywhere. Injured people were pulled from the wreckage of both vehicles after the crushed metal was cut apart using machinery commonly referred to as the Jaws of Life. Two of the bodies were covered up completely, everything visible instantly stained red with blood. Sirens blared and blue lights swirled as the entire scene played out right in front of her. Several ambulances filled with the injured and the deceased took off away from the scene. The accident was documented and the skid marks on the roads were measured and marked. Finally, the damaged vehicles were loaded onto wreckers and removed from the intersection. With a wave from the final police officer, traffic once again began to slowly move according to the lights.

Death, it was a certain exit from this world, Ellaynah allowed her mind to wander to the place she commonly referred to as, the fog. Two lives were now over, gone, done with, ceased to exist. Where did they go? Did they just simply expire? Life was so easily snuffed out; it seemed to be so fleeting. Leaving this world would surely have to be a relief. Entering life was easy and without choice. All it took was two consenting adults to conceive and bear a child. It’s what happens between the beginning of life and ending in death that was the hardest part of all. Ellaynah was so deep in her own chronically depressive thoughts that she continued to sit there, even though the light was green. The person in the vehicle behind her blew their horn and startled her out of her deep hypnotic thoughts, returning her mind’s journey from the depression of the fog. She pressed the accelerator and slowly began to move, pulling everything she owned behind her.

This ever-increasing depression inside of her; it had been gnawing and ripping at Ellaynah for many years, Yet, for some reason it never really occurred to her just exactly what had been going on. The day she turned fifty years old, it truly exposed itself for what it was and hit her hard, like a brick wall collapsing on top of her. Somehow, on that birthday, she realized the extreme existence and the deep dark level of her depression. It had swallowed many years of her life… . gone, ripped away, never to be seen again, there was no going back. The depression was dark and haunting, vile, disgusting and life sucking; it had made her want to die. It had made her feel something deep, dark, ugly and sickening down to the very core of her being. Surely it had to be the extent of depression at its very worst. It felt like a thick black tar slowly oozing its way through her veins in her body and her mind, deteriorating her very existence. Why had she not realized what was happening to her sooner? Why had something so obvious completely evaded her consciousness? Ellaynah pictured a lava lamp with clear liquid and black goo moving from top to bottom in her mind… . sickening, black, oozing gooey tar.

Looking back, she now realized the depths of her depression. It had started out very small and definitely unnoticeable, many years ago, nibbling at her, even as a child. It had now grown into an all consuming monster that had almost gobbled her up completely. The depression had been taking those small and unnoticeable nibbles out of her heart, mind and soul for a very long time. Recently, however it seemed to be ripping off large chunks of her very existence, gouging, chewing and swallowing her up one ripping bite at a time. She had reached a point in life that she really didn’t care about her existence at all, or anything else for that matter.

At fifty years old she was ready to completely give in to the monster. Life had passed her by so quickly and so very quietly; it had slipped away, each passing year had felt more like a month. Time had come and now it was gone. What an utterly miserable and lonely life it had been. Yet, the most depressing part of it all was that she allowed it to happen, not by choice… . quite unintentionally, and totally unaware of what was happening. There had been other choices, other directions she could have taken. She was the only one that could have changed the outcome of things. It had just never dawned on her what was happening until it was too late, and now it was definitely too late.

At the very lowest point in her life, out of nowhere, circumstances of change had suddenly introduced themselves. The opportunity to escape the monster, to run away and possibly salvage what was left of her pathetic and disgusting life had presented itself in a way that no one could have ever imagined. Perhaps it was finally a way out, an escape from her world, a world that she had created all by herself.

Ellaynah had spontaneously seized at this opportunity for a change, grabbing at it with all her might. Her last hope for sanity, for a final escape, had come along and she had grabbed it, holding on for dear life. Her only remaining hope was to leave her familiar, change her life completely, and hope with all her might that the monster would stay behind, or at least leave her alone… . if only for a little while.

The most depressing part of her entire situation was that she had idly created the majority of her misery herself, and had unknowingly allowed it to continue on year after year after year. Time had passed like the wind, it whispered on by like a fleeting breeze, and then it was gone. All of those years, gone in the blink of an eye, never to be regained. She now realized she had missed out on so many things in life. Without a doubt, she knew her life would have eventually ended miserably, once the massive monster of depression had taken its final swallow. Her sanity would have been lost completely and she would have finally put a fatal ending to her own miserable life.

As a child she had been forced into new circumstances and new environments time after time, each one different and always beyond her control. Being raised as a ward of the state, she had been placed in one foster home after another her entire childhood. This had left her with many scars and an ugly void inside of her that she never really understood. Her childhood had been miserable, lonely, untrusting and horrible; there was nothing she could do to change that. All of that had certainly been beyond her control.

What had been in her control were all of the adult years that she had willingly allowed to slip on by. There was nothing she could have done to change her childhood, but she could have certainly gone about her adult life differently. This was the most depressive sickening part of it all. She had allowed all of those years to just slip on by and she could have controlled it… . she could have changed it… . she and she alone had been the one in charge… . it had happened so fast. Now, it was too late. If only she could have a do over in life! She would definitely have chosen another path, a completely different direction. Now, it was too late… much too late. The monster took another large chunk out of her heart and soul.

As an adult, she had never done anything spontaneous, everything had always been well thought out and calculated. Today, she was driving in the direction of her very first and very big spontaneous change, the first spontaneous venture of her life. Even though she referred to it as spontaneous, she had actually given it a great deal of thought for quite a while. Let’s just say, it was the closest thing to spontaneity that she had ever done, you couldn’t call it completely spontaneous, only spontaneous for Ellaynah. A great deal of time had been spent analyzing, dissecting, and calculating before actually leaping. Of course, the massive depression made any decision harder than it should have been. Her final conclusion had been to stop thinking about it, seize the opportunity and just run with it. The only other alternative would have been to completely give in to the monster. Her decision had finally become obvious, she wanted away from the monster… . she had to escape the monster before it totally consumed her completely.

Slowly, she pulled the pickup truck and the trailer through the intersection where she had just witnessed two people die; it hadn’t fazed her in the slightest, the monster was definitely still with her. The presence of the monster seemed as if it would never leave, no matter how far away she drove. It felt heavy like a great weight was pressing against her. It felt disgusting, vile, almost cancerous. Ellaynah felt like the shell of a human being… . an empty shell. Was it too late to change things? Had she waited too long? She drove on toward the highway, her final and only hope being that somehow, in some way, the distance would change things in her life for the better. It was her last chance to escape the ever-present monster.

The fact that she felt totally void of all emotions scared Ellaynah. But then again, feeling scared was an emotion, wasn’t it? The ever-present, ever-gnawing monster of depression scared her, it had been slowly chewing at her heart, soul and mind for many years. The sadness engulfed her and gripped her like a vice, as she once again thought of her fiftieth birthday. Turning fifty years old had somehow sank deep into the pit of her stomach and sat there like a putrid blob, making her feel sick, as if she had eaten something really bad… . something that was going to eventually make her violently ill. Yet, it felt like something that wouldn’t stay down, nor would it come out. It just sat there in the pit of her stomach making her sicker and sicker with each passing day.

Ellaynah was certainly no stranger to being alone. There had never been any family in her life, only the comings and goings of temporary caregivers in her childhood, and well, of course, there had been the final adoption by Ms. Hannah. Now, at the age of fifty years old, she realized there would never be any hopes of a family to call her own. Those years available and reserved for happiness, romance, marriage and children of her own had come and gone. They had slipped on by, lost, yet freely given away. Unconsciously, they had been given away to her bizarre obsessions. She had freely and willingly given up all of those years without hesitation. It never dawned on her exactly what she was giving up, nor had she ever realized just what was happening, until it was too late. The depression monster took yet another large gouging bite out of her. It was most definitely too late now.

All that remained for Ellaynah to do was to keep driving with all of her worldly possessions packed behind her. Ellaynah, the pickup and the trailer merged onto the interstate and began a long journey far away from the past, towards a different future, hopefully a brighter future far away from the monster. She had only a brief description and some sketchy directions to her destination. For the first time in fifty years Ellaynah was leaving her life behind, ready to start anew, grasping at that final straw, that final ring on the merry-go-round of life.

Spontaneously, leaving her old life behind, she drove onward; the only true feelings that she had experienced were apprehension and fear. Yes, fear was an emotion, she was sure of it. At least she was still able to make that determination, at least still feeling something. Knowing that the fear was there and she was at least feeling something somehow made her feel just a little bit better.

Fear of the unknown had been a normal part of her childhood as she had been passed from one foster home to another, back and forth from the orphanage. It had driven her into her own private little reclusive world as an adult. Living alone, but also living with the depression monster and her obsession had been her way of life. Her obsession had consumed her mind and distracted her from the depression for many years of her life. Ellaynah was very intimidated and afraid of leaving her comfort zone, yet there was also a much stronger fear in staying… . fear of the monster… . that terrifying feeling of being completely gobbled up. It amazed Ellaynah that fear could actually make her feel somewhat comforted.

Life can be so strange sometimes; it can be very harsh, unfair and unkind. A baby can’t choose their parents. Yet, those parents can choose the life of the child. We have no control over the cards that we are dealt when we are born and when we are a child. Yet, these very cards play such a tremendous part in molding and forming our minds and our lives as we become adults.

A life void of love and affection can make someone afraid of the very things that they desperately crave and need. In Ellaynah’s case, a life without anything or anyone to hold on to, to call her own, had led her to her obsession. Her obsession had dominated her entire life… . all of it… . rip, gouge, another chunk gone… the monster continued to feed. It was definitely still with her even though she had now driven quite a long distance. Her mind continued to travel around in her past as she and her passenger… . the monster, continued on down the highway.

There is that rare occasion when some people get thrown a trump card. Ellaynah had been thrown just such a trump card recently. The trump card presented itself as an opportunity that very well might have saved her life. Seizing the opportunity, after fifty years of strict self discipline, she was off to start a new life, far away, with very little information. What lied ahead of her remained a mystery yet to be unraveled, but whatever her future held could only be an improvement over the last fifty years of the past. Holding on to the very last bit of hope that she could muster, attempting to flee the ever-gnawing, chewing monster, she drove onward.

While driving, Ellaynah began thinking back as far as she could possibly remember. Her very first memories… . way back… . way back.

PART ONE

E llaynah, please do try to sit still child! We don’t want these new foster parents to think you’re a hyperactive little thing! Ms. Marable, her assigned social worker from children’s services said.

Ellaynah looked at Ms. Marable and smiled. She was such a pretty little thing. Her eyes were round, deep dark brown pools and her hair hung all around her shoulders in adorable dark little ringlets. Her skin was pale and beautiful, the little girl reminded Ms. Marable of a beautiful little porcelain doll. She stopped fidgeting for a few minutes, but of course, just like with any other small child, it didn’t last very long at all. She simply could not sit still!

Social Services had custody of Ellaynah; the organization was in the process of placing her in the fourth foster home. Although she was only five years old, they couldn’t seem to find a foster family for her that might possibly result in a permanent adoption. None of the previous failures had been because of the child, it was just the results of a chain of unfortunate circumstances. Ms. Marable worried about the adorable little girl, she knew from many years of experience in working within the system, that most people wanted the cute little toothless, laughing, adorable little babies, not the rambunctious older children.

Mrs. Marable also knew that Ellaynah was very quickly approaching the age of a child due to begin the school years. If she couldn’t place her soon she would end up in the orphanage for the school years, which would mean being institutionalized as a ward of the state until she reached the age of eighteen years old. She desperately wanted to find this particularly beautiful little girl a permanent home with a loving family to grown up in.

Ellaynah had been a ward of the state since she was three months old. As an infant she had first been placed in the home of a relatively young couple who unfortunately couldn’t have a child of their own. After many years of failed attempts at trying to get pregnant, many rounds of fertility drugs and dealing with the top experts in the field of infertility they had finally given up, and decided to take the path of adoption. To begin with they appeared to have fallen in love with Ellaynah… . a beautiful healthy baby girl at that time. Then as luck would have it, almost one year after Ellaynah had become their foster child, the foster mother miraculously conceived a child. The couple was ecstatic!

Fearing two babies would be more than they could handle, they returned Ellaynah to the organization of Children’s Services at the age of two, just as soon as there healthy baby boy was born. There bond with Ellaynah was absolutely nothing compared to the way they felt about their newborn son. They no longer wanted the two year old girl that had begun walking, pulling everything off the tables, and getting into everything within her reach. They now had their own little angel, a product of their love and their union, a child from their own loins, not a ward of the state. They returned Ellaynah to the state without giving it a second thought, much like returning a dress to a department store because it was too small.

The second set of foster parents qualified and immediately fell in love with the gorgeous little two year old girl. They couldn’t wait to take her home and make her a part of their little family. They actually preferred skipping the first couple of years of diapers and night feedings. Unfortunately, they lost their foster care rights rather abruptly. The termination happened quickly and was kept as quietly as possible. The couple had been charged with and convicted of possession of a controlled substance. Mrs. Marable, the state social worker had immediately picked Ellaynah up and returned her to the orphanage. Fortunately, Ellaynah couldn’t remember anything about either of these fosters, she had only been just a little tike. The few things that she was aware of had been picked up overhearing the information Mrs. Marable spoke about at various times later in her childhood.

At the age of three years old she had become such a beautiful child. Yet, this was the second time she had been returned to the system. Once again returned to The Department of Family and Children’s Services for potential placement. Ms. Marable vowed to herself that she would find this beautiful little girl a permanent home before it was too late for her, before she reached the age of disinterest. Experience had taught her that the age of disinterest was around six years old, the beginning of the school years. If that happened the remainder of her childhood would be miserable. The lonely and clinical orphanage was unfortunately a cold and completely emotionally detached organization. No one allowed themselves to become emotionally attached or involved with any of the children. As a matter of fact, this was a strict part of their job description.

The third placement arranged for Ellaynah had also ended in an utter disaster, and had almost caused Ms. Marable to lose her position, a position she had held for almost twenty years. She’d placed Ellaynah in the home of a wealthy and highly qualified pair of foster parents. She had also conducted the follow up visits as required by law; everything had always appeared to be just fine. Two years passed without incident, until early one Sunday morning. Ms. Marable got a telephone call advising her that Ellaynah was in the hospital, and the foster mother had been killed. Apparently, after the full investigation was conducted, it was discovered that almost every weekend the foster parents would have loud, disruptive parties, inviting many people over. There was always a great deal of drugs and alcohol consumed at these weekend parties. Ellaynah was always tucked into bed, usually before these weekend parties even got started.

On this particular weekend, the foster parents had gotten into a huge argument. The foster father had become extremely drunk and violent. All of the guests left the house, knowing that eventually someone would call the police. This angered him even further; he took it out on his wife and Ellaynah. His wife didn’t survive the drunken beating, but Ellaynah did. She had multiple bruises all over her body, a concussion, a broken arm and three cracked ribs.

Ellaynah’s memories were vague and few, there was the pain and of course… . the fear. Surreal memories of the foster father putting his hands down her panties and touching her, hurting her private parts sometimes clung to the back of her mind. She could also remember loud voices, arguments, between the foster parents… . she could remember bits and pieces of arguments about money, something about paying for something with the check that was sent for the kid.

The strongest memories were of the night that she had left for the final time. An ambulance had taken her to the hospital. There had been a party, her foster father had put her to bed and was hurting her private parts once again. The foster mother walked in and caught him, she could remember her screaming at him to stop. The foster mother became hysterical, but he adamantly denied the accusation, even though he had been caught in the very act.

Ellaynah told her foster mother the truth; she told her that he had been hurting her down there a lot. When she told the foster mother the truth, he had kicked Ellaynah repeatedly and twisted her arms behind her back. Then, the foster had beaten his wife to death… . she could still remember the blood, the police and the sirens… . she could still feel the pain from her injuries both physically and mentally. Oddly, she could remember these details even though she was still a very young little girl. The final memory of this time period was of Ms. Marable taking her from the hospital back to the orphanage.

Ms. Marable had been suspended from her position for three weeks and severely reprimanded for not conducting weekend checks on the child. She felt very guilty; if Ellaynah had been killed she would’ve had to live with that for the rest of her life. Since that incident, Ms. Marable had made it a point to check on all of her foster home assignments at least every other weekend, sometimes every weekend. She simply would not have been able to live with her guilt if something like that ever happened again to one of the children that was assigned to her.

She sat and watched Ellaynah’s sweet little face and thought about all that she had been through in her short little life. She had tried really hard to find her a good home, but things just never seemed to work out for her. She had been tossed about, physically molested, witnessed a murder, hospitalized due to physical abuse, and surely suffered some permanent damage due to the mental cruelty, as well.

Someone knocked on the door; Ms. Marable looked at the now five year old Ellaynah very seriously and put her finger to her lips, as if to tell her to be quiet. She stood, opened the door and warmly greeted the newest set of potential foster parents. Her words were very dramatic and overly enthusiastic.

Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Stuart! Ms. Marable said, gushing with enthusiasm. Please, do come on in and meet our little Miss Ellaynah.

How do you do? Oh, she’s absolutely adorable! Mary Stuart said, as she knelt down in front of Ellaynah. Hi Ellaynah, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Mary Stuart and this is my husband Eric. Can you say hello to Mr. Eric? Mary Stuart asked.

Hello, Mr. Eric, Ellaynah answered.

Hello there young lady, I would like for you to call me Eric for now, you can leave off the Mr. It’s very nice to meet you. Did you know you are a very pretty young lady?

Ellaynah giggled and squirmed around in her chair as she looked at Mr. and Mrs. Stuart.

Ellaynah, how would you like to go home with Mr. and Mrs. Stuart and spend some time with them? Ms. Marable asked the adorable little girl.

Yes Ma’am, Ellaynah answered, with a smile that melted Eric and Mary Stuart’s hearts.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Stuart, I have all the paperwork ready for your signatures. All that remains for us to do is to sign a few necessary documents and the three of you can be on your way. Everything else cleared with flying colors, Ms. Marable said, with a big smile full of hope and excitement on her face.

Once all of the documents were signed, completed, copied and put away, Ellaynah was taken by the hand and led away once again, this time to foster home number four.

The Stuarts were a middle aged couple that had never had children of their own. Mary Stuart had previously lost a child and had an emergency hysterectomy many years ago. Now, in their late thirties they both felt that a child could definitely bring some joy into their lives. They were exactly right, the little girl was a delightful addition to their happy little home. Ellaynah was a little doll, and they both immediately fell totally and completely in love with her.

In the beginning Ellaynah was very quiet and somewhat withdrawn. The Stuarts had been informed of the previous incidents that had occurred in the other foster homes, so they were kind, very patient and understanding. Ellaynah eventually began warming up to Mary Stuart, but it took her quite a while longer to completely relax with Eric. Finally, after about five months they all began to settle in and become a happy little family.

Ms. Marable checked on the new little family once each week and, of course, every other weekend for over a year. Then her visits slowed to once each month. Ellaynah appeared to be very stable, happy and content. It became quite obvious to Mrs. Marable that the Stuarts loved her very much, and that she was very well taken care of. She had even begun to refer to the Stuarts as Mom and Pop. After two years Ms. Marable stopped visiting and just called Ellaynah and the Stuarts once each month.

Ellaynah began attending school and soon became a healthy, happy and well adjusted little girl. The Stuarts were thrilled with her in their home, and they both had grown to love her as if she were their own daughter. She brought the joy and happiness they had desperately needed into their lives. Her grades were good and the teachers all gave her glowing reports. Ellaynah was treated just as well as any other only child. She had everything that she needed and a great deal of what she wanted. Life couldn’t have been any better for the little family.

By the time the family was preparing to celebrate Ellaynah’s fifth year with them, as well as, her tenth birthday party, the Stuarts had decided to make it official. They wanted to legally adopt Ellaynah and give her their last name. Ellaynah was ecstatic! She had never had anything close to a real family, and it was finally going to happen. She could remember running and jumping around, shrieking, I’m gonna be a Stuart, I’m gonna be a Stuart!

The Stuarts placed the call to Ms. Marable and gave her their wonderful news. Ms. Marable was so happy for all of them, and she also felt an overwhelming sense of relief for Ellaynah. She explained to them the process of adoption. The necessary paperwork would be prepared to petition the court for the adoption. Mrs. Marable assured them that there would be no problems at all, everything was just a formality.

The Stuarts went all out for Ellaynah’s tenth birthday party. There was a clown with a big red nose and yellow suspenders, pony rides, a huge birthday cake and ice cream, complete with sprinkles. All of Ellaynah’s closest friends from her class at school came to the birthday party and brought so many gifts, just for her! Pop made videos and Mom took pictures. Ellaynah had the time of her life and felt like the luckiest little girl in the whole world.

Feeling tired, but also feeling a warm sense of security and happiness that night, Ellaynah headed off to bed. As if having a second thought, she had turned back toward the Stuarts and said, I love you Mom, I love you Pop, thank you so much for such a wonderful birthday party. Goodnight. The Stuarts had just melted, they were speechless. It was at that very moment that all three of them realized they were already a complete family; everything else was just a formality. They thought of Ellaynah as their own natural child.

The next day Ms. Marable called to give them the scheduled court date for the adoption hearing; it was scheduled for the twenty seventh of the next month! The three of them were ecstatic! Life was great; they all anxiously counted the days. Every evening, together, the three of them would put a large X across the date on the calendar, counting down the days with a growing excitement and anticipation. It seemed as if the wonderful day would never arrive!

Unfortunately, it never did. They never made it to the hearing. Mary was unexpectedly and quite suddenly diagnosed with late stage pancreatic cancer. Her condition declined very rapidly, and she passed away only days before the scheduled hearing. Eric was devastated; he didn’t know what to do. He had lost the love of his life, his beautiful wife, Mary was gone.

The diagnosis and Mary’s death had all happened so quickly, and so unexpectedly, it had left both Pop and Ellaynah in a state of shocked disbelief and a deep agonizing mourning. Eric also knew deep down in his heart, that he couldn’t take on the responsibilities of raising a child alone… . not without his Mary. Ellaynah couldn’t accept the loss of Mary, her heart was broken and her world had shattered into a million pieces. Pop was her only sense of security; she stayed right by his side, clinging to him for the next several days through the wake and the funeral.

The day Ms. Marable came to pick her up was one of the hardest days of her life. No one had even told her to expect Ms. Marable to pick her up! It had never even dawned on Ellaynah that she might not stay with Pop. Eric Stuart was heartbroken; he had lost his wife and now had made one of the hardest decisions of his life. He had decided to give up his daughter, as well. Ms. Marable had to drag the now ten year old little girl, kicking, screaming, and sobbing to the car. They had left Pop sitting on the couch, sobbing uncontrollably, unable to even say goodbye to his little girl.

Ellaynah was devastated; all she could do was cry, she sobbed and wailed for her Mom and Pop. Eventually the withdrawn, haggard little girl was placed in a dorm room along with the other children at the orphanage. After a few horribly lonely weeks of mourning, totally alone with no source of comfort, she was finally forced to begin attending classes. Her appearance was that of a pale, very thin and haggard little girl with a broken spirit. She meandered from class to class with her head hanging down and her shoulders slumped forward. Slowly, she began going through the motions of a routine life within the walls of the orphanage.

This was the point in time when Ellaynah could first recognized the depression monster rearing its ugly head, appearing inside of her. Ellaynah’s life soon became a schedule; there was school time, homework time, play time, meal time, shower time and bed time. This became Ellaynah’s normal routine for the next four years. Mom and Pop soon became a distant, but very fond memory, the only fond memory in Ellaynah’s entire life.

The next four years passed on by for Ellaynah as if she were in a fog. Schedules and routines became Ellaynah’s normal way of life. There was never any comfort, love, laughter or compassion, only routine and schedules. Feeling much like a robot with a weak battery, she drudged through each day, one after the other, each one exactly like the previous, attending classes and very much aware of the monster nibbling away at her heart and soul.

The year of her fourteenth birthday arrived. All she could remember about the past four years was that loneliness, sadness, misery and the ever-present depression monster as her only companions. The days were endless, each one just like the day before. Ellaynah became so depressed and despondent that she totally withdrew from the society of the orphanage. No one even noticed, no one ever cared, as long as she followed the scheduled routine everyone left her alone, and that is exactly what she wanted.

One particular day she heard her name summoned over the intercom system, instructing her to report to the counselor’s office. Ellaynah could remember feeling frightened; she hadn’t done anything wrong that she knew of. As she walked up the hallway and then into the doorway, she saw Ms. Marable standing there smiling at her. Ellaynah could still remember how her heart had fluttered, her pulse had quickened and how she had felt a sudden sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had immediately began to tremble all over and felt as if she was going to faint.

Hello, Ellaynah, how are you doing? You don’t look like you feel very well. Are you okay? Ms. Marable asked.

I’m doing okay, I guess. Ellaynah answered weakly, as she stared at the floor.

Ellaynah, do you mind if we go somewhere and speak privately for just a few minutes? Ms. Marable asked.

Sure, I guess, okay.

Ms. Marable smiled and walked into an office, sparsely furnished with a desk and two chairs, snapped on the desk lamp, and motioned for Ellaynah to have a seat. Ellaynah sat down, never allowing her eyes to leave Ms. Marable’s face. Sitting down was a little bit of a relief, she felt like she was going to fall out on the floor at any second. She could vaguely remember a time when she had been rather fond of her, but now she didn’t like her and didn’t trust her at all. She was terrified of what Ms. Marable was going to say and had absolutely no idea what to expect. Ellaynah’s mind was spinning. Surely it wasn’t about another foster home! Ellaynah didn’t think she could take those feelings of devastation ever again! Besides, she was now fourteen years old; nobody wanted a fourteen year old foster child placed in their home… did they? She could still vividly remember every single word of their conversation that followed.

So, Ellaynah, I know this has all been very hard on you. I still feel so terrible about the Stuarts. I know how much you loved them and cared for them. They loved you too sweetheart. Some things are just beyond our control. Ms. Marable began.

Ellaynah hung her head as the old painful feelings of loss and betrayal welled up inside of her and the depression monster nibbled away a little faster. Yes, she had loved Mom and Pop with all of her heart. She looked up at Ms. Marable’s face with tears in her eyes and asked, Ms. Marable, what did I ever do to deserve this kind of life? What happened to my real parents?

Ms. Marable looked into the deep brown, pain filled, watery eyes of the now teenaged young girl and didn’t quite know what to say. Her heart ached for the tender young girl. She took her by the hands and said, Ellaynah, none of this is your fault, and you didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes, we have no control over many of the things that happen to us in our lives. One day, you will be all grown up and be able to live on your own. You will get married; have a happy home and a family of your own. But, right now, you are only fourteen years old. The laws and the court system still considers you a child; therefore we are forced to do what is considered to be in your best interest.

Poor Mr. Stuart, he couldn’t raise you alone… . he, both of you, were absolutely devastated. That’s the reason you had to come back to the orphanage. Ellaynah, you and I both know that usually, older children don’t get adopted. Normally, they stay here until they reach the age of eighteen years old, Ms. Marable said, as she gently began an attempt to explain the purpose of her visit.

Yes, I know that, Ms. Marable. Which means I have four more years that I have to stay in this miserable place, Ellaynah replied with a voice full of sadness and remorse, fringed with a touch of sarcasm and resentment.

Ellaynah, I have something that I have to tell you. Again, I know you have been through quite an ordeal in your lifetime, and I’m not quite sure how you are going to take this news. But, before I tell you, please understand, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. It is not up for negotiation, and it has already been finalized by the court system, Ms. Marable said.

Ellaynah stared into her eyes, fill with horror and terrified of the words that were going to come out of Mrs. Marable’s mouth. She was unable to move a muscle, her stomach was in knots. What was coming next?

Ms. Marable reached down and opened the folder placed on the desk in front of her and began to explain the purpose of their meeting.

Ellaynah, a nice lady… . a lady by the name of Ms. Hannah Archer, has petitioned the court for adoption, and it has been granted. The adoption has been finalized and she is scheduled to pick you up tomorrow morning. It is a done deal.

What! Ellaynah screeched. Who… who is she? Why would she… . ? Ellaynah stammered the questions in utter fear and disbelief, her voice trembled and faded with each word. No, no, Ms. Marable, please… . I can’t take this anymore! Please Mrs. Marable, help me! Her face paled and her eyes widened in both shock and fear. Tears began to stream down her cheeks. Her sobs echoed throughout the small office. She was absolutely terrified.

All I can say to you Ellaynah is… . the adoption was granted sight unseen. Don’t ask me any more questions, because quite frankly, I really don’t have any answers for you. I don’t even know myself. I don’t have any answers for you at all. Do you understand me? Ms. Archer has been thoroughly checked out and is more than capable, and in fact, highly qualified to adopt a child and she has chosen you, Ms. Marable stated with firmness and evasive eyes.

So, you’re telling me… . in the morning I have to leave with yet another total stranger once again? Someone has just decided to adopt me, sight unseen? I’m fourteen years old now! She can really do this? You can allow this to happen? You have no control at all, Mrs. Marable? I have no choice… . no say so whatsoever? Ellaynah shrieked almost hysterically. Her face appeared wild, hysterical with fear and covered in tears. Her skin was the color of putty. Ellaynah pulled her hands away from Ms. Marable and began to shake, her body racked with the sobs and ragged breaths that were escaping her, she looked at Ms. Marable with the most pitiful look Ms. Marable could ever remember seeing on the face of a child. She had to swallow hard in order to maintain her composure, to contain herself and to be able to continue their conversation… . to continue on with her job as a caseworker.

Ellaynah, honey, please calm down… you’ve got to calm down sweetie, maybe… . maybe this time… . it will work out great! You never know, sweetheart. Maybe this is your lucky break, your ticket out of this place. Try to think positively; don’t base this on the past, look at it as a possible bright new future. This isn’t another foster home that you can be taken away from; it’s a permanent adoption, Ms. Marable said, as she desperately tried to convince the young girl. Although, she knew in her heart there was no chance of calming her down or cheering her up. Ms. Marable’s heart ached for the pitiful young girl. This was definitely one of the hardest parts of her job… . watching, seeing, practically feeling the horrible fear and pain of a child.

The silent tension was thick for several long minutes. Ellaynah wiped her swollen eyes on her sleeve and inhaled a ragged breath, held it in and then explosively exhaled. Feeling totally exhausted, she finally looked up at Ms. Marable with her red swollen eyes, as if the weight of the world rested on her tiny young shoulders. For a moment she startled Ms. Marable, all that she could see in the young girl’s eyes was a blank void, a hollow emptiness, and a final surrender.

Well, I guess since I have no say so in this, as usual. I have no other choice but to do as I’m told, and hope for the best. I can’t wait until I’m eighteen years old and the law will allow me to use my own mind to make my own decisions about my life, Ellaynah said very sarcastically.

Since it is an adoption, a permanent adoption, I won’t be checking in on you Ellaynah. But here, take my card… . if you ever just need someone to talk to, please feel free to call me, Ms. Marable said

Thank you for your concern Mrs. Marable. So… . I guess I’m off tomorrow… . off to yet another unknown place to live with another unknown person. The only difference is that you won’t be able to come to my rescue and pick up the pieces when it all falls apart, I’ll be stuck. Ellaynah said. I… I’m sorry; I really don’t mean to take it out on you. Thank you Ms. Marable, I know you’ve always done your best, really I do. I’m sorry, I’m not angry with you… I’m angry with life, Ellaynah said. The depression monster continued to take small nibbles out of her soul with each passing moment.

Thank you for saying that Ellaynah, and I do sincerely wish you the very best this time as well… remember, think positively, Ms. Marable said as she made her best attempt to smile and appear happy.

The two of them stood up and