Eating Your Words

By Sue Gaskell-Barlow

This is my 60th year and this book has taken eight years to write. I have also been struggling to manage a condition called M.E. and Fibramyalgia in that time. I believe M.E is a direct link to my experiences as a child and my desire to be accepted. My adult life became so painful, that I had to change or die. I know now that
everything that happened has shaped me into the person I am today. We are all a child of the universe, spiritual beings in human form. Born with God’s unconditional Love and here to learn our life lessons. Now I can walk safely in the knowledge that I matter and I am loved. God loves us always even when we don’t know he is there that is when we are carried. This book and my dream is that I can make a small difference by sharing my experences.

This book is about some of my experiences with eating and how I overcame the cruel way food controlled my life. I was addicted to food and only I know how painful my life was as a result of yo-yo dieting, binge eating and the love hate relationship I had with food spanning over most of my adult life. My addiction to food was just a symptom of a deeper issue I needed to resolve. The need to gain some control as I tried to please everyone was immense and I ended up pleasing no-one, it was a nightmare.

Today I am healthily aware that food is to nourish the body and do not use it as a form of abuse. I used food as an emotion comforter trying to stuff down how I felt.
Food can never fill an emotion or spiritual hole. My journey has been painful and long. I am relieved that I now understand and am able to take responsibility for my life and my choices instead of being a victim and a reactor to life via food. No one is to blame for what has happened to me during my life and that includes me.
I do not play the blame game. I make healthier choices and understand that my choices have consequences to myself and my loved ones. I have learned new skills
to cope with life. I realize I gave everyone the one thing I needed, unconditional love. I dedicate this book to my mum and dad, who truly did their very best for me giving me Susan Dickinson, the precious gift of life. You are with me always.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sue Gaskell-Barlow
• Release date: May 20, 2019
• ISBN: 9781912400232

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

My dreams come true

My dream comes true on two counts as you read this book. One, I always wanted to write a book and two, I know you’ll learn all you need to know, if you really want to and begin to let go of guilt and shame and any association with food other than hunger. Emotions and the need to express those emotions are the reason for overeating and it is this that leads to going out of control. The only genuine reason to eat is due to feeling hungry, other than that the question that needs answering is Why do I eat when I am not hungry?

If you are the sort of person that has never had a problem with food, are you reading this book in the hope of understanding others who do struggle in this way? If so, then how I would have admired you for wanting to understand and envied you for having a normal healthy relationship with food. I know, I could never be that natural around food, although on reflection, having had bulimia and an eating problem for over 20 years, I suppose I value my new relationship with food more than most.

Now I have learned to enjoy food and to recognise if I’m going to eat because I am hungry, or if in fact it is my feelings that need feeding and attention. I’m truly grateful and feel privileged, to be able to share this insight and understanding and to value and respect how I truly feel, knowing that I hid how I felt, via the route of food addiction.

I’m sure you will learn a lot for yourself and realise, that maybe food is a way of disguising how you really feel.

Whatever your motivation is for reading this book, it’s good to know that someone will benefit, from you taking the time to read my story.

If you are reading this because you have an eating problem, then welcome and remember, be kind to yourself as you begin to learn, that food has become so important to you that it rules your life and you are out of control with food. Please do not be disheartened.

This book will give you a clear vision of how to re-educate yourself, when and if you are ready. The effort has to come from you, so accept you need help to learn how to put food back into its proper place in your life. Accept that you can really enjoy life, and you can free yourself from the prison of despair and remember this will take time, so learn to be patient with yourself.

Food, for me was often associated with feelings of guilt and punishment. I understand now that not everyone felt as I did! What a relief to know that! From my experience I realise that the moment I was criticised because I’d put on some weight, my whole life changed, and I was filled with an anger and frustration, and was without the ability to express those emotions healthily.

It all began so innocently, my eating problem. In my early twenties I had two beautiful children. At that time and until then, how I looked and felt about myself had not been a problem. I had a good shape, I was a size 12 in clothes and after my first child, I was back to that size almost immediately.

After my 2nd child however, and this is where my story begins, three months after the birth I was over a stone heavier. I didn’t feel worried, I still dressed and looked okay I was 5’2 and I looked chunky, still I was unconcerned after all I had just had my 2nd child, it seemed perfectly normal. I had arranged to have a Tupperware party at my home.

A Tupperware party is a party plan evening of plastic kitchenware and at that time along with other types of parties (clothes) were all the rage, especially for young mums. We would get together at different homes and enjoy each others company and have a really good laugh. We would buy a piece of Tupperware (we could all have opened a shop of our own, with the amount we collected over the years, remember girls?) We would have a snack and talk for England about anything and then off we’d go home until we met again. This was quite usual and was our social time together, our nights out!

Maybe also once a week, if we could get a babysitter, we’d go out for a drink in a group usually to the local pub and always with our partners. Our experience was, that the girls sat in one group talking, whilst the ‘boys’, the men, would be in another group. We’d talk babies and feelings and makeup, and they talked you’ve guessed - football. None the less although this may sound mundane it was okay. We didn’t have a car and there were no phones in our circle, and so our needs were few.

Anyway I deviate; friends and family would come to a Tupperware party at each other’s home, invited either by word of mouth or letter. Imagine my surprise when three of my sisters came to this particular gathering, none of our group had cars and as we lived quite a way from each other, the buses were in constant use, so you can imagine I felt thrilled. There were ten people altogether and we all settled to hear the hostess selling her wares and watch her demonstration.

There was a knock on the door, excusing myself, I went to answer the door. What a surprise I got, it was my sister Joan! Joan was an older sister who I didn’t see very often, usually only at family functions. So I was really pleased to see her. Come in, take your coat off, how are you? I said. I’m fine she replied. Joan then went on to say Sylvia (another one of my sisters already in the other room) had told me about tonight so…. She paused and didn’t finish her sentence. Oh our Susan, our Susan, haven’t you put weight on The tone of her voice said it all! Well I was stunned, I felt so hurt, so awful, as though I’d committed a crime. A harmless comment you might say, well not to me. In those few words my perception of myself changed totally. I didn’t let it show, however I was devastated, Joan was someone whose opinion mattered and I looked up to. I felt so much that she disapproved of me - I felt, yes - inferior and ashamed and not good enough.

I had just had a baby a few months earlier and admittedly I had not lost all of the weight I’d gained during my pregnancy, however I’d always looked after my appearance. Oh dear!

Looking back I recall Joan had dieted on and off for years -she was petite and an attractive size ten. Her looks really mattered to her and she was the only one in the family who didn’t have children. Maybe that was why she focused so much on her appearance and then others also. I went to bed that night unaware of the full impact of those few words and the role they would play in my life. The next day after a restless night’s sleep; can you guess what I did? I began to diet!

After a few months I’d not done very well I had tried to eat less although it was difficult. I decided to write down everything I ate and funnily enough I still have the book to this day of my recorded intake of food. Slimming clubs and low calorie foods were not available then, so by trial and error I dieted. I needed to look right and get rid of the feelings that overwhelmed me, feelings that I was not acceptable as I was. I felt I needed to be strict with myself. My quest began and without any scales, kitchen or bathroom, it was just trial and error work. Here is a glimpse of my type of dieting. Back then in 1972, the real diet began after Christmas on December 28th. I’d decided to begin my diet on New Year’s Day. Typically, I then ate so much, in preparation for the oncoming starvation diet that I had decided to put myself on. Until then, my days were one long food Binge. Haven’t we all done that sort of thing in preparation for a diet? Oh it seems so pointless. I just felt I’d burst if I waited for New Years Day so I began on December 28th. I took my measurements and wrote then down, my food intake was not low calorie foods at all.

Imagine that for one moment if you can, there were no low calorie foods available! I’d have half a lettuce leaf, half slice of bread, a bag of peanuts and then a quarter of sweets. I believed I was eating less and dieting! Yes - it worked honestly! I lost weight -by trial and error. I’d eat nothing all day - and then eat fish, chips and mushy peas. How much more knowledgeable we are today, even young girls know about calories and energy, although I’m not so sure that is all for the better, for their peace of mind.

Regardless of how my daily diary looks below, it worked. I believe, because I was so determined and had a positive thought pattern. I believed I could do it! My negative feelings about guilt anger and myself were my motivation, plus the feeling of I’ll show you my sister. I wonder if you remember the pain or still go through it? Elated if you had a good day and devastated if you failed to stay in control. So often I failed and boy did I punish myself. It’s hard for anyone to understand how it feels, unless you have experienced it, that obsession with food. I remember waking up and the first thought for me would be, did I have a good day yesterday?

Did I stick to my diet, was I good? If I’d had a binge, the night before, I’d feel an ache at the bottom of my back and the feeling of being bloated

and feeling fat, which was hateful and the pain would last for hours or so it seemed. Thank God, that’s all in the past, I shudder as I remember it. Do you know how that feels? Do you still act in a similar way? My heart goes out to you, although I know you can, like me become free from the torment.

Let me give an example of a weeks dieting, so that you can see if possible, how my mind worked with virtually no information on calories, or how to diet safely. I can recall vividly, that I thought eating as little as possible and virtually starving was the answer. Potatoes and bread were a no no and chocolate was fattening, that much I did know, although I loved it so much! I didn’t know about weighing foods etc and there was no such thing as cottage cheese or low calorie spreads available.

Now the amazing variety of low calorie, low sugar and low fat foods we have today, seems like a different world. Of course the help available has increased enormously and people’s perceptions have changed so much, so that most people feel that slim is acceptable and that being overweight is not. I know this needs to change as the mental and the emotional well being of our children has never been more seriously threatened. The self- image has become more important than the individual and this needs to be addressed by all of us. The effect on a child as we criticise them and encourage them to think slim is beautiful will lead them to misery and a lifetime of denial. Again my story is written to help you to see how needing approval from our peers can affect us so much.

I remember as I wrote down my food intake, thinking, what a waste of precious time this is, and wistfully remembering the lovely feelings I used to have when I ate a cream cake. How sad that now that same cake would evoke feelings of guilt and shame. Oh dear! So back to those days and a typical day taken from my diary reads as follows:

FOOD DIARY

Day 1

Breakfast 1 cup of tea - no sugar

Tea 1 cup of tea with sugar - half slice bread, cheese lettuce.

Dinner Brussels, carrots, small lamb chop

Supper 1 cup of tea with sugar, an orange and a mince pie.

Day 2

Breakfast 1 cup of tea with sugar, 1 small piece dry toast.

Tea Lettuce, half tomato, half slice bread, 1 cup of tea with sugar Dinner Chicken, lettuce, green beans, half tomato

Supper 1 cup of tea with sugar, 1 small kipper fillet, half slice bread

Day 3

Breakfast 1 cup of tea with sugar, half slice of toast.

Tea A cup of tea with sugar, cheese lettuce, quarter slice of bread, cup of tea with sugar.

Snack 1 cup of tea with sugar, lettuce, cheese, half slice of bread, 1 orange and apple.

Day 4

Breakfast1 cup of tea with sugar, half cup of coffee, half slice of toast

Tea Piece cheese, an orange, half a tomato, slice of bread, half cup of tea with sugar.

Dinner 1 apple, 1 cup of tea with sugar, cheese, half tomato, half slice bread, 1 crispbread, a piece of cheese.

Day 5

Breakfast Slice of toast, 1 cup of tea with sugar.

Tea Lettuce, tomato, piece of cheese 2 crispbread, lettuce, half tomato. 2 crispbreads, carrot, 2 apples

Supper Cheese, crispbread, cherry brandy

Day 6

Breakfast 1 cup of tea with sugar, 2 crispbread, cheese, coffee with milk

Dinner Brussels, green beans, pork, 1 tablespoon gravy, orange, 1 cup of tea with sugar, 1 orange 1 cup of tea with sugar.

Supper 2 crispbread, cheese and 1 cup of tea with sugar.

Day 7

No breakfast. Today I felt tired.1 cup of tea with sugar, 1crispbread cheese,

Lunch 1 cup of tea with sugar, 1 crispbread lettuce, tomato, 1 cup of tea with sugar

Supper 1 lettuce leaf, tomato, cheese apple, 2 carrots, 1 cup of coffee with sugar.

This is one week of my food intake completed on my diet, I have kept this diary all these years - I’m amazed at how ignorant I was- and most of us were. My weight loss for this week was 8lbs, the first week after Christmas.

After another 5 weeks of dieting a further 8lbs - making a total of 16 lb. - I’d lost 1stone 2lbs and was now 9stone 11 lb. on this particular dieting bout - although I remember I felt great, I’d learned nothing and I was to redo this diet many times over. I’ve lost my body weight many times over!

This food diary was made when I was 26 years old and just after the birth of my 3rd child - I didn’t record much from the first time I’d dieted sadly in 1966 when I was a size 12.

I was unfit because I never really exercised except taking my children out and of course chasing after them all day! I looked ok. I felt great because I was slim, looking back, the type of food I ate - how very rigid the food was - just sticking to a very basic type of food and recording every drink. It was so boring!

The reality of this part of my life is so simple; I never did anything that involved time for myself. I really do urge you to make sure that no matter how much you love your husband or children, make sure you make time for yourself and especially value and learn how to respect and use those feelings in a healthy way. Feelings are there to guide you. If you don’t respect and value yourself, how can you expect others to?

I believe this need to look after myself and the obvious lack of time with a young family to do this, was my undoing. Also, this nagging feeling of guilt I seemed to always feel guilty for everything.

Crazy really because this even extended to sitting down, after I’d done all my work. Yes, looking after a home and children and having the meal ready on time is very worthwhile and underrated by most people. None the less, no matter what happened I always felt guilty, even when I hadn’t done anything!

I remember vividly and so clearly, that I would stick to a rigid pattern of eating with virtually no knowledge and maintain this for 4 to 5 weeks at a time. Then the control and discipline would slip, I’d think, I’ve blown it, and as a consequence a binge would follow. My day would begin like any other dieting day, I’d feel good and I would look in the mirror, not because I was vain, oh no.

The reality of it was far from that, I needed to see that my body was