All My Friends Have Issues: Building Remarkable Relationships with Imperfect People (Like Me)

By Eziaku Atuama Nwokocha

Why is it so challenging to create and keep meaningful friendships?

Amanda Anderson provides the wise and witty answers, giving practical advice and sharing personal stories to guide us toward the kinds of friendships we long for. Blending faith-based insights and psychological truths, All My Friends Have Issues is a liberating guide to finding and becoming an authentic and encouraging friend.

 “Anderson becomes the friend we’ve always needed and, in the process, helps us become a better friend.”

—Elisa Morgan, president emerita of MOPS International, speaker, and author of The Beauty of Broken

“Be ready to laugh and then to learn as Amanda shares her weaknesses and foibles in her relationships with herself and her friends.”

—David Stoop, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of You Are What You Think

 “A captivating and often hilarious book.”

—Milan and Kay Yerkovich, authors of How We Love and How We Love Our Kids

 

“Fun and informative. . . . A book I highly recommend!”

—Debbie Alsdorf, speaker and author of It’s Momplicated and The Faith Dare

“Warm, funny, authentic, and relatable.”

—Vivian Mabuni, speaker and author of Open Hands, Willing Heart

• Language: English
• Publisher: Thomas Nelson
• Release date: Jul 9, 2019
• ISBN: 9781400208586

Eziaku Atuama Nwokocha

Eziaku Atuama Nwokocha is assistant professor of religion at the University of Miami.

Book preview

PRAISE FOR ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE ISSUES

"Need some friends but don’t know how to make them? Amanda shares how to choose them. Need to shed some unhealthy relationships? Amanda details how to let them go. Need to be a better friend? Amanda models how to safely and smartly risk for connection. In All My Friends Have Issues, Amanda Anderson becomes the friend we’ve always needed and, in the process, helps us become a better friend so we can make better friends. At last! No more nose pressed against the glass, looking in from the outside. The door is open! Come on in, grab a spot on the couch, and dive in."

—Elisa Morgan, president emerita of MOPS International, cohost of Discover the Word, speaker, and author of The Prayer Coin, The Beauty of Broken, and Hello, Beauty Full

Amanda Anderson describes the emotional and psychological foundations of healthy friendships in this captivating and often hilarious book. Offering her own experiences with warm vulnerability, she’s written an entertaining and informative book!

—Milan and Kay Yerkovich, authors of How We Love and How We Love Our Kids

Be ready to laugh and then to learn as Amanda shares her weaknesses and foibles in her relationships with herself and her friends. But it’s more than a laughing matter, for in the midst of her vulnerability she makes powerful points about what it takes to be an authentic friend. You will be a better friend from reading this book.

—David Stoop, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of You Are What You Think and Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

"All My Friends Have Issues is a fresh and current look at an important subject—female friendships. Amanda takes the reader on the journey of developing authentic friendships that will encourage, sharpen, and lead us to a place of rich connections with other women. This book is fun and informative. After years of working with women, this is a book I would highly recommend!"

—Debbie Alsdorf, speaker and author of It’s Momplicated and The Faith Dare

"God never intended for us to go through life alone. And though we know this truth, we find ourselves alive during an interesting time in history. Social media enables us to be ‘friends’ with people we’ve never actually met. Connected 24-7 via the internet, studies have shown people are more lonely and isolated than ever before. In many ways we have lost the art and skill of making friends and being a good friend. In All My Friends Have Issues, Amanda guides us with thoughtful steps of how to form and maintain healthy friendships with actual people in real time. Written with personal examples, principles from Scripture, and relatable topics, this book is needed and necessary. Highly practical and enjoyable to read, Amanda’s style is warm, funny, authentic, and relatable."

—Vivian Mabuni, speaker and author of Open Hands, Willing Heart: Discover the Joy of Saying Yes to God

© 2019 by Amanda Anderson

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Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.Zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.®

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ISBN 978-1-4002-0858-6 (eBook)

ISBN 978-1-4002-0857-9 (TP)

Epub Edition May 2019 9781400208586

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019938089

Printed in the United States of America

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For my J’s:

Especially Jen, Josie, and Gina.

Thank you for loving me so well, issues and all.

And for Sophia and Olivia:

May you always find, as your mama has,

friends that point you to Jesus.

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.

—1 PETER 4:8 THE MESSAGE

Turk and I met over a Bloomin’ Onion. I like to think of it as a metaphor for our relationship because it’s delicious, but not really so healthy.

—J. D. IN SCRUBS

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

PART 1: AUTHENTICITY

CHAPTER 1: CALLS FROM THE BATHROOM:

BUILDING AN AUTHENTIC FOUNDATION

CHAPTER 2: NUTS AND GIFTS:

AUTHENTICITY AND SELF-AWARENESS

CHAPTER 3: PERFECTION IS FOR YO-YOS:

FINDING WISDOM AMONG IMPERFECT WOMEN

CHAPTER 4: I’M SO SENSITIVE:

HURT FEELINGS AND AUTHENTIC APOLOGIES

PART 2: ENCOURAGEMENT

CHAPTER 5: IN LIEU OF FLOWERS, PLEASE SEND EMOJIS:

DAILY ENCOURAGEMENT IN ITS MANY BEAUTIFUL FORMS

CHAPTER 6: SABBATICAL SISTERS AND SELF-CARE:

ENCOURAGING OUR BESTIES TO TAKE A BREAK

CHAPTER 7: TWO SUPERHEROES AND NO SIDEKICK:

OVERCOMING COMPETITION, COMPARISON, AND CODEPENDENCY

CHAPTER 8: FUNERALS, BIRTHDAYS, AND BABY SHOWERS:

ENCOURAGEMENT IN JOY AND GRIEF

PART 3: ACCOUNTABILITY

CHAPTER 9: TELL ME THE TRUTH:

ADVENTURES IN ACCOUNTABILITY

CHAPTER 10: THE YEAR EVERYONE GOT A BOOB JOB:

ACCOUNTABILITY IN THE FACE OF INDIVIDUALITY

CHAPTER 11: GET OFF THE TREADMILL AND EAT A CUPCAKE ALREADY:

ACCOUNTABILITY TO WHOLEHEARTEDNESS

CHAPTER 12: THE PRAYER FACTOR:

(MAYBE READ THIS CHAPTER FIRST)

READER’S GUIDE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

NOTES

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

INTRODUCTION

A Real Friend

Marilla, she demanded presently, Do you think that I shall ever have a bosom friend in Avonlea?

A—a what kind of friend?

A bosom friend—an intimate friend, you know—a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my innermost soul. I’ve dreamed of meeting her all my life.

—L. M. MONTGOMERY, ANNE OF GREEN GABLES

I was about seven years old when I began to feel the deep need for a good friend. Not having a car, I started making friendships of convenience. Next door there was a girl about my age who possessed an incredible collection of Barbie dolls, which I was forbidden to own, so she held instant allure. She and I never really shared a soul connection, however, and one day when she burned me with a cookie sheet and didn’t really apologize, I’m afraid I lost interest. As my friend Terry is now fond of saying, that told me everything I needed to know.

Fortunately, down the street, I found my first real authentic, encouraging friend. When I first saw Vicki, we were in the fourth grade and she was sitting on her Stingray bicycle in front of her house. She had auburn hair and a lot of freckles and seemed like a slightly dangerous Anne of Green Gables. We became friends and remained close through high school. We attended each other’s celebrations, school plays, and soccer games; comforted each other through breakups (with high school boyfriends and between her parents); and held each other to a high standard. Vicki could spot me being fake from across the quad and would later call me on it. Because I had two younger brothers and no sisters, the constancy of Vicki’s friendship met my deep need for sisterhood.

In our early twenties, we were maid of honor in each other’s weddings and we still keep in touch though we live two states apart. As I look back on our loving, life-affirming, super-fun friendship, Vicki and I were lucky enough to have found at age nine what many grown women still yearn for.

Vicki was—and is—pretty weird, but her weirdness was compatible with mine. We were both an odd combination of wacky child and teenage, boy-crazy bookworm. We could go for almost a whole afternoon speaking to each other using only movie dialogue or inside jokes (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and The Princess Bride were favorites), and anytime we put our name on a waiting list (for bowling, for a booth at Denny’s) we said it was Ezmerelda. We thought we were hilarious even if no one else did. She confirmed we were kindred spirits when on our first day of high school English, she turned to the girls sitting next to us and said, Hi, I’m Vicki. Want to be my friend?

Of course, our friendship wasn’t perfect. We also had regular conflicts, but those strengthened our friendship. Through them, we learned how to care for each other better in the future and built trust that we would give and receive forgiveness. To this day, I see this as a mark of a remarkable friendship: conflict makes it stronger rather than more precarious.

And that’s where my friendship story gets a little more complicated.

Throughout my adolescence and early adulthood, another type of friendship ran in a parallel track: one that was filled with drama and strife. For years, those friendships would absorb a huge percentage of my spiritual and emotional energy, but I also lived in constant fear of losing them. Arguments made me feel like I was walking on eggshells, and I would wonder, Whose issues are worse? Mine or theirs? I became paranoid of displeasing these friends and was hyper-focused on securing my place in their lives. An undercurrent of competition and comparison flowed through those friendships, so I struggled to celebrate their victories—new friends, new jobs, new houses—because I feared they would cause my friends to surpass and outgrow me. I felt the reverse was true as well, that these girls/women weren’t necessarily thrilled when I succeeded, because it made them feel small and insecure. Eventually, the relationship would end, not in a healthy or gradual way as when two friends grow apart because of geographic distance, but in a blowup that left one or both of us heartbroken.

I’d like to say I outgrew this pattern when I became a full-fledged adult, but I didn’t. Even into my thirties, these two tracks continued to run: decades-long friendships that felt secure and fun-filled, and at least one friendship that felt uneasy and off. Sadly, the squeaky friendship got the grease while the healthy ones got less of my attention.

Finally, I began to recognize certain similar issues in these relationships and had a harsh realization: I was the common denominator. So I entered a season of deep soul searching, prayer, Bible reading, psychological research, and personal counseling. I read a lot about what it meant to have healthy boundaries, how to love people well, and what my own personal obstacles were. I even joined a twelve-step support group for Codependents Anonymous, in which the only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships. In that program, reading through the Codependents Anonymous Handbook and swapping experiences with other women in the program, I learned some not-so-pretty truths about myself: issues of control, manipulation, dishonesty, and insecurity. But through working the steps I also began to get healthier and my perspectives began to recalibrate.

Eventually, I developed the discernment to spend energy in friendships that thrive—some I already had and new ones as well. And it didn’t take finding perfect women without issues or becoming one myself. My friendships today are with imperfect women like me who have enough self-awareness that they can both give and receive the most important thing in any relationship: grace.

My favorite proverb about friendship is not from the Bible. It’s an old Czech saying: Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.

In high school, Vicki and I protected each other from bullies, brothers, and bad rumors. As adults, my friends and I still need relationships that are soft places to land, because we face new challenges: financial issues, trouble in marriages or dating relationships, strained family relationships, irascible bosses, willful kids, serious illnesses, and all manner of other hardships. I love the picture the Czech proverb paints of surrounding ourselves in a loving community, a place where we can let down our guard, find peace, and work out life with others.

Today, I’m proud of my community of women. To me, being safe in my friendships means sharing my thoughts, flaws, fears, sins, joy, and raw emotions and receiving love and acceptance rather than judgment, competition, and withdrawal in return. Safety is knowing that I will receive forgiveness when I repent and ask for it, and that my friends will apologize to me when I share how I’ve been hurt. It means that my confidences will be kept and God’s good will for me encouraged. Because I’m sure of their affection and appreciation of me as a person, I find peace and comfort in my friends’ wise counsel, even when they need to correct me.

The quality of our friendships is one of the determining factors in the satisfaction we feel in our lives. As C. S. Lewis wrote, Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself. . . . It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.¹ The goal of this book is to define what healthy, safe friendships look like, how to cultivate them, and how to nurture the friendships you already have so that you can experience more fun, meaningful connection, and spiritual growth. I believe these benefits grow out of three foundations: authenticity, encouragement, and accountability.

Authenticity allows us to reveal our true selves—both strengths and weaknesses—and be loved just as we are.

Encouragement means celebrating each other’s joys, comforting each other in sorrow, and spurring each other on to bravely be the best version of ourselves.

Accountability reminds us of who we are and what we stand for—and it calls us out when we forget.

Beware: as you read, you may feel convicted to step out of some of your current relationships, or to shift a friend who has been on the inside circle of your life to a place a little farther from your heart. My hope, though, is that this book will help you grow in discernment, so you can determine if your friends’ issues can be covered with grace or if you should take a step back from the relationship. You may also be convicted of some of your own unhealthy patterns as I have been, but I will give you some tools that I have found helpful in correcting them. (You can explore these ideas deeper on your own or in community by using the Reader’s Guide at the end of the book.)

Throughout, I tell stories about my friends and me—issues and all—and I have not changed their names. Oddly, my closest friends over the last ten years are named Jen, Gina, Josie, Jodi, Jana, Jenny, and Jill; don’t worry about trying to remember which J is which. You’ll also hear about Sophie, Kelly, Wendy, and Elizabeth, and more about Vicki, who is still in my life.

These courageous women have given me their

Reviews for All My Friends Have Issues

[melissa_o-399736 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Amanda Anderson is a fabulous storyteller. The authentic and relatable stories about her own friendships held my interest and quite often had me in stitches. I very much appreciated her transparency about her own mishaps in friendships and what she learned from them which has led to significant growth in that area of her life. This book pushed me to want to be a better friend and also re-evaluate some of my own friendships through the years.This book is good for women in all stages of life. The author addresses how to maneuver friendships of all kinds as adults. She reaches women looking to make new friends, those wanting to keep friends, and even those looking at evaluating friendships that have possibly run their course.I was given an e-copy of this book by Netgalley and the publisher. All opinions expressed are entirely my own.