Dare You: Step inside to find the secret to living stress free

By Wendy Kettleton

Over the years I have read multiple workbooks to feed my desire to seek solutions in stress management. I found that due to the complexity of human behavior, there is a lot of information about theories and models, which are very effective. Theories and models can explain our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. However, they cannot provide that instant solution which many people seek. People who are stressed want lasting solutions, and I believe this workbook will provide that.

This workbook is designed to provide you with some of those simplistic solutions and strategies which will assist and help you to overcome life and its difficulties. It will teach you how to become autonomous by adapting a simple way of problem-solving. This workbook has been designed for everyday stress and how you can, and will, overcome it. It will teach you how to manage your own stress levels which will have long-term, lasting solutions.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wendy Kettleton
• Release date: Jun 10, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463541579

Wendy Kettleton

My name is Wendy. I am married, a mental health nurse, and a therapist. This workbook has been successfully used for a variety of reasons. It has brought success to those who have incorporated it into their lives. However, as with other workbook’s you must, make a commitment to set time aside to start on your journey of self- discovery if you wish to recover. I feel it is important to share some of my own experiences with you, as this promotes a sense of empathy and understanding. Besides there is nothing worse than someone preaching about something they know nothing about. My life story has not been an easy one. It has involved being exposed to violence, insecurity, guilt, relationship difficulties and multiple losses. However, throughout my journey, I learned the harsh reality that nobody was going to help me change the situation I was frequently finding myself in. I realized by my own mistakes that change had to come from me and me alone. I was successful in changing my life and it is through that change where I developed a strong belief and value. That you can be whoever you want to be providing that you accept personal responsibility for your life. Accepting personal responsibility is one of the secrets to your success. Once you accept responsibility for your life, then you can move forward and deal with every situation that life can and will throw at you. You will become more prepared to push yourself forward to follow your dreams whilst reminding yourself that you need not be afraid of failure. Failure only occurs when you allow it to. I now smile with confidence about the hardships of my own life. These hardships have shaped me and assisted me to grow and develop into the person I am today. I learned that by trying to control everything, I could not enjoy anything. I had to learn, how to breathe and live in the present moment, which many people do struggle with. I am inspired by the power of positivity. I get satisfaction in motivating others to keep going through difficult times. It is this concept that has inspired me to write and share the secret to living a stress-free life.

Book preview

Stress is a worldwide epidemic problem that can affect any age group. There can be cultural elements to this epidemic where stress can be perceived differently. For example, if a person is born into poverty in a third world country this person may not perceive that their situation is stressful, but they may perceive it as the norm. Whereas in a westernized part of the world, a young adult may perceive that they are stressed out as their phone is not responding as fast as it should be. If you can think about the holocaust and its survivors, the strength and the determination of those survivors does prove that it is possible to get through tough times, irrespective of how difficult or painful it may be. There are multiple examples of stress and its causes, which will be different for many people. Stress is an alarm clock in your body that lets you know that you are attaching yourself to something that can cause you potential harm. It is well researched that stress is a silent killer, especially if it is ignored. The good news is that stress is a state of mind that is not permanent. Things will change providing that you familiarize yourself with the warning signs.

If you choose to ignore the warning signs of stress, this will deprive you of sleep. Sleep deprivation is another worldwide problem that can result in finding unhealthy alternative methods to aid sleep. For example, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol. It is well established that when you are stressed, your brain starts to ruminate on what if or I should or could have. Rumination is a circular process that has no purpose to you. It is faulty attempt to problem solve. You will not get to the root of your problem, no matter how much you try, and this will leave you frustrated. Alongside the technology that has now become part of our lives and the added process of rumination, is it any wonder that lack of sleep has become another epidemic for many people. For example, nursing was once hands on care. However, most of a nurse’s time is spent in front of a computer completing paperwork. So, that targets and statistics can be met, which takes the nurses away from the hands-on care. I once assessed an elderly lady who was so upset by that change. The lady asked me since when did nurses stop talking to patients?

Stress can be the underlying reason for many ailments that can cost the economy millions of pounds in work related sickness. The occupational safety and health administration estimate that workplace related stress costs industries over £150 billion per year. Stress can be challenging, as there are so many complex reasons why a person becomes so overwhelmed by it. The biggest contender is that people are unique, and they will have different experiences. People’s experience of stress is very different because of their own core values and belief systems. However, it is a fact that stress is not going to go away. It will get worse, which is why you need to learn better coping strategies.

Stress can lower your immune system. It may be more noticeable, when you start to experience pain throughout your body. It is well known that stress does use different parts of your body as storage system. For example, tensions within your joints or muscles. However, you may not associate your pain or discomfort to stress. Stress can enable you to function in a balanced manner at appropriate times, which is a normal part of life and survival instincts. However, when a person is over stressed, they cannot see the escalation occurring. They become blind to what is going on within themselves. Stress is described as, any change in the environment that requires your body to, react and adjust for a response. Your body reacts to these changes with physical, mental and emotional responses, which may be the responsibility of yourself, without having any awareness or intent of the potential harm. Anybody can experience good or bad forms of stress from any situation, their body, their thoughts, feelings or moods. Therefore, it is important to recognize those differences, which will be explored in Chapter 3.

Symptoms of Stress

Pain in your body

Your brain sends signals to your body to inform you that you are in pain, which can be the start of stress. For example, tense muscles, chest pain, stomach problems or palpations. People do not tend to link these problems to stress, they may become fixated that something is physically wrong with them, which can result in repeated visits to their doctor. Or they may seek out alternative harmful substances to take that pain away. For example, the use of alcohol or drugs. If you find that you may be experiencing some of these issues, it may be worth asking yourself are you stressed?. If you conclude that you are stressed:

• You need to accept it.

• You need to take responsibility for it.

• Then proceed forward to look at what you can do to minimize your stress. These are part of the secret to effective problem solving.

Sleep deprivation

Stress can cause you to either sleep too much or you may not sleep at all. The issue with this problem is that you need to establish the root cause of the lack of sleep. You need to observe what is happening when you go to bed. For example, are you worrying? Are you unable to relax? Have you had too many stimulants prior to going to sleep? People do not associate a cup of tea or coffee as harmful. It is worth remembering that the caffeine is a stimulant that keeps the brain active when it should be resting or relaxing. When sleep deprivation occurs, stress can impede on the peaceful state of mind. It is important that you develop some self-awareness of your own sleeping patterns. Keeping a sleep journal may be a good place to start. You can include your diet. You can explore exercise or learn how to become mindful through meditation. There are multiple resources to support you to deal with this problem. You just need to accept responsibility for it rather than looking at medication. You may want to consider exploring alternative therapy that suits you and fits in to your lifestyle. For example, Reiki promotes relaxation and sleep.

Weight problems

It has been found that stress does slow down the production of cells in the human body, which will result in slowing down your metabolism. Therefore, it is likely you will gain weight. Some people can find comfort in food when they are stressed, which would also contribute to unwanted weight gain. If you find that you are constantly worrying about your weight, then you need to start to address some of the underlying problems that may be contributing towards it. You need to accept that food is your energy and what you eat is a sign of how your body handles things. Remember it is you that is choosing what you eat or what you do not eat. It is very common that people will not accept any responsibility for their weight gain. Secret eaters highlighted this issue in a television series. The program does make light out of this complex issue. It reinforces that you are what you eat. I smile here because I was a secret eater, but I would not admit it. At work I was on a strict diet in my office. However, in another office I would eat cakes, chocolates and biscuits. I would wipe away any evidence of crumbs then walk back into my office and forget about what I had eaten. My work colleagues would praise how well I was doing with my diet. There is multiple weight loss programs out there that may assist you in finding a solution to your problem. It is about what suits you and your lifestyle. I do accept that there are some physical causes why weight is gained, which can be explored by the medical professions.

Restlessness

Restlessness Is a common symptom of being over stressed. You may experience periods of anxiety that may prevent you from taking a walk or sitting down to read a book. Exercise and relaxing enable you to be comfortable with your own thoughts and feelings. You need to recognize that if you are unable to relax you need to explore any patterns or triggers that can assist you to identify the root cause of your restlessness. Alternative therapies are widely available in local areas or on the internet. If this problem is distressing to you, it would be worth exploring what is out there that best suits you to fit into your lifestyle.

Lack of patience

When you lack patience, it is usually a trigger from your alarm clock in your brain that is trying to inform you that you are over stressed. When it is ignored, it can result in taking out your frustrations onto others. It is usually your loved ones who can often end up on the receiving end. You need to stamp out this issue because failure to address it will cause disruption in other areas in your life. It may feel unfair that you feel that you are carrying the burden of the world on your shoulders. However, it is you that is choosing to carry that burden. You need to accept that it is okay to ask for help. You need to remind yourself this is not a sign that you are weak but a sign that you are strong. Your lack of patience is telling you that you need to slow down. There are multiple on- line resources and alternative therapies that can assist you to adapt better coping strategies. It is worth researching these subjects. Finding time for yourself, doing something that you enjoy can be way to manage this problem. Over the years, I have heard many people say, I don’t get time. However, would it surprise you, if I told you that being too busy is indeed a myth? It is a fact that people make time for things that are important to them. If you are at a stage were stress is controlling your life, there is nothing more important than finding the time to deal with your problem before the situation escalates.

Mood swings

Mood swings can be warning you that your mental health is at risk of declining if you do not adopt better coping mechanisms. Mood swings present as a fluctuation between feeling happy and then being sad, which is due to your hormone levels increasing because you have too much stress in your life. You may find that at times you may bottle things up, usually to avoid confrontation with others. Or you may hold the belief that burdening others is wrong, which may develop into feelings of isolation and being alone therefore other alternative methods will be utilised to manage the situation. For example, comfort eating, abuse of medication, alcohol or drugs all of which will be unhelpful to you. You need to recognise your stress levels by accepting them and taking personal responsibility to deal with them. It would be appropriate to discuss with your doctor if you feel that your stress levels are becoming too difficult for you to manage. Your doctor can find the appropriate path that is suited to your needs.

Hair loss

People would not link hair loss to being over stressed. According to Carolyn Jacob, Founder and Medical Director of Chicago Cosmetic Surgery and Dermatology: Typically, people shed 100 hairs per day. Sometimes, a significant stress of a sort may spark a change in your body’s routine. Physiological functions and cause a disproportionate number of hairs go into the resting phase at the same time. Then 3 to 4 months later, sometimes longer all those remaining hairs are shed. The effects of this loss can be alarming. The type of events that disrupt normal cycle can be caused by psychological stresses on your body. If you are losing hair in mases, you need to consider if there are any emotional connections to your physical changes. Visiting the doctor would be appropriate, who can give you advice if any medical intervention is required.

Loss of Libido

Loss of libido is one subject that people do not like to address. When your stress levels increase, the stress hormone secretions responsible for your sexual response of intimacy decrease. When this occurs, you are too exhausted to even contemplate intimacy. Lack of intimacy can trigger feelings of guilt because you may not feel that you are meeting the needs of your partner. You need to accept and deal with this disabling problem quickly to break the vicious circle. It may be worth considering stress management, mindfulness with some meditations. There are multiple resources on-line, in books or self- help that can support you in the art of relaxation. Once you learn how to relax, intimacy will return.

Exercise: Stress Management

I want you to think of your own stress levels and how you think it has impacted on you.

I want you to circle any symptoms that you experience when you are feeling stressed.

Anger

Anxiety

Loss libido

Drug/Alcohol use

Fatigue

Nail biting

Withdrawal

Indigestion

Tension

Comfort eating

Poor sleep

Teeth grinding

Hair loss

Worry

Headaches

Other

Describe your largest source of stress.

List three people that you can turn to for support when you feel stressed.

1) Name

How can they help?

2) Name

How can they help?

3) Name

How can they help?

Rate each of the following from 1 (being low level of need) up to 5 that would indicate a high level of your attention.

Career _____

Family _____

Fun/recreation _____

Spirituality _____

Socializing _____

Relationships _____

Education _____

Other _____

During periods of stress many people may take shortcuts to manage stress. Shortcuts are described as avoidance behaviours for example, neglecting basic needs such as sleep or diet.

I want you to circle any basic needs that you tend to neglect when you are feeling stressed.

Sleep

Healthy diet

Exercise

Medical

Personal care

Relationship needs

Addictions

Other

I want you to think about what steps you are going to take to protect your basic needs when you feel stressed.

Short term goal.

Long term goal.

How to Overcome Stress

I have established that stress is a normal part of your life providing that it is balanced and healthy. Working hard for something that you do not care about is what some would define as stress. Working hard for something you love is called passion. It is important to familiarize yourself with the differences between the two.

The human body is designed to experience stress in two forms:

Eustress, meaning positive.

Distress, meaning negative response.

Stress is problematic to your life when you become so consumed with life and its difficulties. Stress can affect how you view yourself, others and the world, which may result in you experiencing distress. Stress has been linked with multiple health problems such as: anxiety; arthritis; depression; diabetes; headaches; heart problems; high blood pressure; and even skin disorders. If you are to minimise or even prevent any physical health problems, it is important that you accept and understand how to deal with them.

Get yourselves active

It is well established that exercise releases chemicals known as endorphins that provide a feel-good factor. Exercise can be a good distraction for you. You could join a gym or do some light exercise such as walking, which does not cost anything, and it is healthy.

Understand your power of thought

It is well established that unproductive and negative thinking releases stress hormones. Getting to know yourself is extremely powerful to aid your recovery. You can do this by starting to accept responsibility for yourself. Keeping a record of your thoughts, feelings and your emotions, allows you to evaluate and look back on your life. Reflection provides you with the ability to see your progress and your strengths.

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness can be perceived as enlightening and it is simple to follow. It does not take much effort and it can be applied within your daily life and routine. It may take time to get used to and many people do struggle to maintain this level of stillness, as it can feel unnatural for the brain to feel at peace.

The Monkey Mind

Life’s difficulties can seem impossible to understand at times. The brain loves over thinking, which is why some people struggle to practice mindfulness. When you over think situations, you may feel it helpful at the time. However, when you overthink it does lead to negative thoughts that are unhelpful to you. Furthermore, overthinking reinforces and creates problems that are not even there. It can ruin situations and twists things around. This is what meditation circles refer to as the monkey mind, the mind likes to jump from one topic to another. For example, if you think of a primate that jumps from branch to tree and vice versa. If this is a problem to you, then you need to remember that these thoughts are your thoughts, they are not anybody else’s. You need to realise that there is nothing worse in this world than can trouble you, as much as your own thoughts, beliefs and values. A good example of this process is the poisoned monkey.

The Poisoned Monkey

I want you to imagine that you are taking part in an experiment. You are given a talking monkey by a Professor from Yale University who is highly respected by the educational system. The monkey that the professor gives you is sat in a locked cage. The professor provides you with instructions and rules for the experiment. He tells you that the monkey in the cage must accompany you were ever you go for 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. The professor leaves you alone with the monkey and he informs you that he will collect the monkey in 2 weeks’ time.

It is just a monkey, it does not have any knowledge, wisdom or insight. It is a primate that communicates without any understanding or comprehension to its self, others or the world. However, the monkey is poisoned. It is specifically trained to be unhelpful to you. It is continually commenting on you, your life and how you look in a way that constantly puts you down. For example, your car gets stuck in rush hour traffic, which results in you arriving 10 minutes late for work. The monkey starts with, here you go again, late as usual. You just cannot manage to get to work on time, can you? You really are stupid. If you had left the house earlier, you would have been on time. You are a waste of space, it goes on and on. You will start to internalize what the monkey is telling you and you become upset.

Now I want you to take a moment and ask yourself, how long would you put up with this abuse before leaving the monkey behind or throwing a cover over its cage? Nobody is watching or observing you. The Professor stated that he was coming back in 2 weeks’ time. Why not put the monkey outside, nobody would know? You need to think about this for a moment. You will put up with it because you have been asked by a Professor. You have made a commitment to participate in his research. Therefore, you tell yourself that you must continue, irrespective of how the monkey in a cage is making you feel. You hear that monkey, you believe that monkey and naturally it affects your emotions, thoughts, moods and feelings. This in turn impacts on the way you live your life and how you behave towards others. It also changes your perspective on how you view the world. How you think and feel about yourself. You start to feel exhausted. You start to become irritable with yourself and others.

Now I want you to ask yourself, what can you do about it?

I would suggest that you learn to use the antidote, which is you.

The antidote is about you noticing the monkey in the cage. It is about you are regaining control by placing the monkey outside. You can place a cover over it nobody is watching you, so nobody needs to know. You are in control; you have the power to stop the monkey. Say to yourself, there’s that monkey again. Tell yourself that you do not have to listen to the monkey. You need to accept that the monkey will not give up easy. So, it is your responsibility to keep giving it the antidote, which will eventually tame it. The moral of the story is that the monkey is your own internal bully, which you have put up with for far too long. It describes how life is, it is you that are controlling your own thoughts, feelings and emotions. The secret to your success, is your attitude and how you react.

There are ways that you can stop yourself from over thinking and calming your monkey mind. Try to observe your environment, explore and utilise your senses. For example, watching a squirrel explore its environment. Mindfulness teaches you