The Alcoholic Man: Learning from the Heroic Journeys of Recovering Alcoholics

By Sylvia Cary

The Alcoholic Man consists of in-depth interviews with men of varying lengths of sobriety from "the first 30 days" on up to 43 years, and the obstacles they must overcome in order to make it -- and keep it. Staying sober allows these men to identify their feelings, deal with the people in their lives, accept responsibility, and make a difference in the world — establishing the recovering alcoholic man as a new kind of hero for our time.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sylvia Cary
• Release date: Jul 17, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463303740

Sylvia Cary

SYLVIA CARY, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist and the author of five books (four traditionally published, one indie published). Her articles have appeared in national magazines. She was awarded the Clark Vincent Award by the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists to honor her literary contributions to the mental health profession. She has a "book doctor" business (Cary Editorial & Book Consulting. www.sylviacary.com) which focuses (but not exclusively) on helping mental health professionals get published. Sylvia is a member of The California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT), The Scriptwriters Network, Independent Writers of Southern California (IWOSC), Book Publicists of Southern California, Toastmasters4Writers, and the Independent Book Publishers Association (IBPA).

Book preview

THE

ALCOHOLIC MAN

Learning From the Heroic Journeys of Recovering Alcoholics

Sylvia Cary, LMFT

In-Depth Interviews with Men from 30 Days of Sobriety Up to 43 Years and What it Takes to Make It ―and Keep It.

Who hath woe?

Who hath sorrow?

Who hath contentions?

Who hath babbling?

Who hath wounds without cause?

Who had redness of eyes?

They that tarry at the wine;

They that go to seek mixed wine…

At the last it biteth like a serpent,

And stingeth like an adder.

—The Holy Bible, Proverbs Chapter 23:29-32

THE ALCOHOLIC MAN: Learning from the Heroic Journeys of Recovering Alcoholics

Copyright © 2016 by Sylvia Cary

2019 Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved.

For information contact:

www.sylviacary.com

[e-mail]

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only and may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This book is available in print at online booksellers.

Originally Published by Lowell House. Los Angeles

A division of NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group, Inc.

4255 West Touhy Avenue, Lincolnwood (Chicago),

Illinois 60646- U.S.A

Cary, Sylvia.

The alcoholic man: learning from the heroic journeys of

recovering alcoholics

1. Alcoholics—Rehabilitation—United States—Case studies.

2. Alcoholism—United States—Psychological aspects—Case

studies. 3. Self-actualization (Psychology)—Case studies.

DEDICATION

For The Main Hero 0f My Life, My Late Husband,

Lance Henrik Wolstrup

With All My Love

CONTENT

Foreword. Jokichi Takamine, M.D.

Preface.

Introduction. Towards a New Kind of Hero

Chapter 1. Can An Alcoholic Change His Spots?

Chapter 2. All Newcomers Are Crazy

Chapter 3. Those Frightening Firsts

Chapter 4. The Armpit of Sobriety

Chapter 5. On Being a Raving Lunatic about Sobriety

Chapter 6. Matching the Walk to the Talk

Chapter 7. Is That All There Is?

Chapter 8. Sophomoritis:

Chapter 9. Second Surrender:

Chapter 10. Hitting Stride:

Chapter 11. Persistence:

Chapter 12. Balancing Act:

Chapter 13. Old Ideas:

Chapter 14. The Slip

Chapter 15. Secrets of a Longer Sobriety

Chapter 16. Keeping it Simple:

Epilogue. Sobriety in the 2000s

Appendix A The Generic Addiction Quiz

Appendix B Seven Steps to Trigger a Spontaneous

Remission from What Hurts

Appendix C How to Upgrade Your Character

About the Author

Other Books by Sylvia Cary

FOREWORD ―JOKICHI TAKAMINE, M.D.

When I wrote the original Foreword to psychotherapist Sylvia Cary's The Alcoholic Man, I was struck by three things: That she was writing about long-term recovery (which others weren't writing about); that she referred to the recovering alcoholic man as a hero (certainly not a name anybody else was calling him, especially when he was drinking); and that she was able to look right into the hearts of eighteen recovering alcoholic men and describe from their point of view—based on her interviews with them—what the recovery experience is really like, and how it feels to get sober and stay sober year after year.

Many times, since the first edition of The Alcoholic Man came out, I have found myself using it as a tool in my practice as a physician treating addiction. When I have to confront an alcoholic man still in denial, or a man who is making those tentative first steps into sobriety, or the family member who has a stake in the alcoholic's fate, I often give them a copy of The Alcoholic Man and say, Here, this may help you understand what I'm talking about. It explains a lot. Anyone who deals with substance abuse knows that tools like this can be a lifesaver. I'm grateful that Sylvia Cary has written a book that provides me with something that makes my job easier.

The physician's role in working with alcoholics is a tricky one. When you tell a patient he has a heart condition, he hears it as a diagnosis. But, when you tell a patient he has alcoholism or any other drug addiction, he hears it as a put-down or insult. I find I'm always asking myself how I can help this man or woman see the truth. But for alcoholics, especially men between eighteen and forty, it's particularly difficult to ask for help. A guy can be running a company of 5,000 employees and have twelve vice presidents, but it's still hard for him to say, I can't handle this beer. Usually, he has no idea that that is what's behind the fact that his marriage is falling apart, or his job is on the line, or that he is starting to manifest troubling physical symptoms. When I tell him he has to quit whatever is biting him, he's more likely to tell me, I'm still fine. I go to work every day. I'm healthy. I'm having a good time. It's not hurting anybody else. Why stop? He's still into blaming: It's not my fault. They are giving me stress—my boss, my wife, my kids, the governor, the president. We laugh at this, but the blaming is always there. As a very wise man in the addiction field, Father John Powell—a learned writer on addiction—once said, Growing up starts when blaming stops. If the man keeps drinking, the bad things that are already happening will turn into worse things. If an alcoholic becomes a thief and gets shot dead, you can say that it was the bullet that stopped his breathing, but it was the alcohol that ended his life.

The old stigma about being an alcoholic or addict has lessened, which is good, because people seek treatment sooner if they don't feel ashamed. Today, more people seem to know more about alcoholism and drug addiction than ever before. Books, movies, articles, and television shows about the subject have helped the public shed their dated stereotypes about these illnesses. That's encouraging. What is discouraging, however, is the possibility that this lessening of stigma has encouraged more women (hardest hit by stigma) to drink. Statistics show that women have been doing a prodigious job of narrowing the gap between themselves and their male counterparts. What is also discouraging is the fact that there are still too many physicians who are in the dark ages when it comes to recognizing addiction. Many have the mindset that drinking or drug use is merely a symptom of another illness, not an illness itself. I find this a shame. If I could have my way, I'd recommend that all physicians go to at least thirty meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, or one of its offshoots, so they can learn what addiction looks like in all its diverse forms and thereby do a better job of diagnosing and treating it.

I am delighted that Sylvia Cary has added three new recovery stories to this updated version of her book. Short of going to a real AA meeting and hearing recovering alcoholic men share their stories in person, at least by reading these stories, readers can get a sense of what alcoholics go through when they leave their addictive behavior behind and enter the new world of twenty-four hours-a-day sobriety.

We still don't know what causes alcoholism and we still don't have a cure. These facts haven't changed in the ten years since this book first came out. But we're slowly closing the gap from cause to cure. Some remarkable studies are being done in the areas of brain chemistry and genetic involvement in addiction. And there are some promising new medications to cut down on the phenomenon of craving. However, until the day comes when we can give a man an addiction-busting pill, or science can find a way to manipulate his genes and chromosomes and make him immune to addiction, we're stuck with the same old ways of diagnosing and treating addiction that we've been using for years.

When people ask me what the cure rate is for the addicted population, or for a specific treatment or Twelve-Step group, I have to admit I haven't the foggiest idea. To date, nobody knows exactly what the numbers are for alcoholics, cocaine and crack users, heroin addicts, amphetamine users, or marijuana users -- except it’s in the millions. Nor do we know exactly how many try to stop using each year, formally or secretly, and how many make it. We can only come up with guesstimates. The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) states that roughly 50 percent of the people who try to get clean and sober relapse within the first few months. By the end of one year the relapse figure is even higher. The Betty Ford Center (now partnered with Hazelden), which strongly emphasizes the importance of following in-patient treatment with aftercare and AA, considers it impressive that even one-third of their many thousands of alumni stay active and in touch. This doesn't necessarily prove that they are sober, but it's a good indication. While many other for-pay treatment centers would have you believe they have a two-thirds recovery rate, in AA, a 90 percent dropout rate by the end of the first year is a figure that's been floating around for years. This isn't as dismal as it sounds, because many who drop out try again and make it the next time.

When it comes to comparing AA with other kinds of treatment, one study done some time ago, NIAAA's Match Study, compared AA with two other major treatment approaches (cognitive behavioral therapy and motivational enhancement therapy), and concluded that Twelve-Step programs are just as effective as other excellent treatments, even those that cost money. (AA, of course, is free.) So, all those academic types out there who still like to dismiss AA because it doesn't have a scientific base, should pay attention to what physicians like myself have known for years: Overall, AA—even though it doesn't work for everybody—is still the best deal in town. That's why we keep referring our patients to AA. And, when AA is combined with other treatments, it's even better. That makes the recovery statistics go way up.

As readers will see, a number of the recovering men interviewed in Cary's book consider AA their main treatment, but augment it with other things—counseling, group therapy, exercise, special diets, mindful meditation or yoga.

On the other hand, there are studies that show that AA participation is critical to the mix. One concluded the same thing that any AA sponsor will tell the alcoholic man in recovery: If alcoholics don't keep up with their meetings and their Twelve-Step work, they can end up in trouble.

AA is for life. And AA is everywhere. A man who can’t afford a boutique rehab center on the ocean can go to AA meetings morning, noon, evening, and midnight and get the same result. Likewise, the same kind of bonding with fellow alcoholics takes place, both in treatment centers and in regularly attended AA meetings. Friendships for life develop in those rooms.

Some chemical dependency treatment centers have been combined with psychiatric (dual diagnosis) units, but instead of being run by recovering alcoholics with the credential of having been there themselves, they are run by psychiatrists with their pens blazing, writing out unnecessary prescriptions. I think psychiatrists should keep their hands off newly sober alcoholics, and not rush to give them pills until the alcoholics have been clean and sober for at least four to eight weeks or more so that the physician can see what the man is really like without any chemicals. After the guy has been sober a while and good histories have been taken, if his depression or his mood swings still won't quit, then medication can be considered. But first you need to see what you've got.

One of my ongoing complaints about some (not all) AA members is that they are not educating themselves about the kinds of medications being used today. A man who has been taking a tranquilizer, like Xanax or Valium, cannot safely stop cold turkey without some medical help. Even stopping alcohol can be dangerous for some individuals. They can have convulsions. But sometimes newly sober men speak in AA meetings about being weaned off their medications. Even though the physician has carefully instructed them on how to cut down step-by-step, they are sometimes told to just stop by an AA member who doesn't realize that this advice could do great harm.

It's hard for me to believe that I've put in yet another decade of working in the addiction field since the first edition of The Alcoholic Man. I look at all the changes—and there have been many—but what I'm most struck by is the fact that there are two areas in which I haven't changed my views one iota. I am still confident: 1) that alcoholism truly is a disease; and 2) that for effective treatment to take place total abstinence is an essential requirement.

I know there are people walking around who want to fight the disease concept. I'm afraid this debate will still be raging in the year 3,000. But, after having spent over thirty-five years of my life treating or dealing with alcoholics and addicts of every stripe, I see chemical dependency as a disease like any other. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. It has a diagnosis and a prognosis. It has symptoms; it can be replicated; it is chronic; it progresses over time; patients can relapse; there's the withdrawal phenomenon; and if it is not treated, it ends in death. That's a disease.

So, I find myself impatient with those who not only say alcoholism isn't a disease, but offer controlled abstinence or harm reduction instead of abstinence as a solution. This is another reason why I appreciate Sylvia Cary's book; she has chosen only those men who define sobriety as total abstinence from mood-altering chemicals. Therefore, when a man states that he has sixty days of sobriety or seven years of sobriety, he means continuous total abstinence from chemicals. This way, readers will know that when the word sobriety is used, everybody is on the same page. The only exceptions to this are people who have legitimate reasons to take medications—for operations, schizophrenics, people with bipolar disorders, biochemical depression, and the like.

This is so cliché that I'm almost apologetic about saying it, but it's still true: The earlier a man faces the truth about his addiction, the less it will cost him in every area of his life (including financially), and the better his chances will be of having a rewarding recovery.

If every alcoholic and addict would just be willing to say, "I've got a problem. Where can I get help?'' they'd be doing a lot to put addiction professionals like me out of business. Just think how much money (not to mention time) could be saved in this country if we didn't need all those MDs, all those anti-craving medications, all those hospital detox units, all those treatment centers, all those surgeries on bad livers, and all those divorce courts or jails.

If we can judge anything by the twenty-one recovery-under-fire stories in this book, then it's safe to say that the candle of hope is burning a little more brightly for The Alcoholic Man. Still, one question which AA members really enjoy asking each other as a kind of philosophical exercise is this one: If science came up with a pill to cure alcoholism right now, would you take it?

For Sylvia Cary, that will have to be the subject of another book.

―JOKICHI TAKAMINE, M.D. (1924-2013) ― Past Chairman, American Medical Association Task Force on Alcoholism; Member, American Medical Association Task Force on Drugs.

PREFACE

A lot of booze has passed under the bridge since the first edition of The Alcoholic Man nearly a decade ago. They keep on making the stuff, and men keep on drinking the stuff.

Looking at the figures, you'd think little has changed in ten years. There are as many alcoholics now as there were ten years ago; there are approximately as many alcohol-related deaths now as there were then; and, of those who attempt to quit each year, still only about one in ten succeed. The rest slip and have to try again later—or not at all. So many alcoholics; so little success at treating them.

Does that mean we should throw in the towel, just give up trying to get alcoholics to stop? No, because that one person in ten who tries to get sober and makes it has an impact on the rest of us. Like the proverbial pebble in the pond, when Jake Jones cleans up his act, his sobriety spreads out to dozens of others in his sphere, and they are all the better for it. At any given time, there are about two million sober people in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), the oldest and largest self-help group in the world—meaning that millions of other people are being touched by recovery—people in every profession, in every town, in every country. This is a very good thing.

The Hero Word Revisited

After the first edition of The Alcoholic Man: What You Can Learn from the Heroic Journeys of Recovering Alcoholics was published, some critics were uncomfortable about the idea of calling sober drunks heroes. After all, when they're out there drinking, they are anything but. They are maddening. They are horrific, not heroic. But my point then (and now) is that once such men get sober and start cleaning up their acts, amazing things begin to happen. Many actually become men of character. You will see examples of such men in this book.

Recovery Over Time

One reason I wrote The Alcoholic Man was because I saw a need for a book that dealt with long-term sobriety. I noticed that most of the books published focused on how to get sober and how to survive those first few years, but none talked about how to deal with being sober over time, over the long haul. It's as if people assume that once a man is sober, that's it; nothing else changes; let's move on to the next case. However, as I point out in the Introduction, that's not true. The process of recovery, of transformation from jerk to hero, is ever-evolving. Each year of sobriety is different from the year before, often (as we'll see here) in predictable ways.

What's Different in the Addiction Field?

While many things (like the statistics about abuse and recovery) have stayed about the same, there is also a lot that has changed in the addiction field. Here's a list of just some of these changes. I haven't listed them according to importance, nor have I commented on which of these items is good and which is bad. I've just jotted down the items for your interest. If you're trying to quit drinking, or if you're already sober and trying to stay that that way, here are some of the things you're going to run into. You can judge for yourself which might help your progress, and which might hinder it:

• huge increase in the availability of information on addiction, especially online.

• less stigma about being an alcoholic or addict.

• shorter denial phase.

• earlier diagnosis of addiction (raising the alcoholic's bottom).

• earlier willingness to accept the diagnosis of addiction.

• more research into the genetics of addiction.

• more research into brain chemistry and neuroscience to help explain addiction.

• more medical and mental health professionals specializing in addiction.

• less focus on psychological causes (stress, unhappy childhood, etc.).

• more focus on action therapy—i.e., what to do about it.

• fewer long-term in-patient treatment programs.

• more short-term or out-patient treatment resources.

• impact of recent changes in insurance coverage on

availability of addiction treatment.

• world-wide growth of Twelve-step recovery groups.

• growth of other treatment approaches.

• more combining of different treatment methods

• more medications to lessen the discomfort of craving

and withdrawal.

• fewer deaths during withdrawal stage.

• ongoing debate over whether or not alcoholism is a

disease.

• ongoing debate over whether or not total abstinence

is the treatment of choice

• ongoing debate over the use of medication in sobriety.

• ongoing debate over the very definition of sobriety.

• stricter laws (drunk driving, drug sales, etc.).

• increased tabloidization of addiction treatment

• increased awareness of dual addictions (e.g.,

alcoholism and gambling, sex, depression, bipolar).

• decreased availability of structured intervention

programs.

• less loyalty to AA; more debates about effectiveness.

What's Different in This Edition?

Happily, I was once again able to get my colleague, Jokichi Takamine, M.D., physician and past chairman of the AMA's Task Force on Alcoholism, to update the Foreword he wrote for this book ten years ago. He has kept up with the latest happenings in all the important areas, such as addiction research, medications, and treatment, so his input is especially valuable.

I also re-interviewed Sponsor Jack, a man who now has twenty-eight years of AA sobriety under his belt, and still sponsors (mentors) dozens of AA men at a time, not just those who are newly sober, but those with long-term sobriety as well. Once again, Sponsor Jack's comments are a great asset. Since I'm a woman, I felt it was important to check out my book material with a man, a recovering alcoholic man, who really knows this subject from personal experience.

In addition to a new Foreword, and this new Preface, there's another new chapter, the Introduction: Toward a New Kind of Hero. Here's where I handle the basics. I use a lot of terms in this book (hero, addiction, alcoholism, abstinence, sobriety), and you may assume that you know what these words mean, but don't count on it. I define many of them in specific ways. Alcoholism, for example, can mean drinking and/or drugging—not just drinking. That's important to know.

So I strongly recommend that you read this new chapter. Here's where I'll also tell you a little about the twenty-one recovering men I interviewed and why all twenty-one are in AA, not using other treatment appoaches. I’ll give you a little AA history, throw in some tips to the wives, lovers, and others on how to deal with a man in recovery, and talk about a topic that’s dear to my heart—Spontaneous Remission. There really is such a thing as spontaneous remission from addiction, and I want to tell you about it because it's an important subject that you rarely hear discussed.

The new Chapter 1, Can an Alcoholic Change His Spots? contains three new interviews (Jim, Jason, and Brian). All were still out there drinking or using when the first edition of this book came out. Now they are sober. Each illustrates some important points. Jim is a good example of what we still think of as a classic alcoholic who just drank alcohol, didn't use drugs, hit bottom, and finally dragged himself into AA without stopping off at a treatment center first. Jason is more typical of a combo alcoholic who did drugs as well, got sober first in an expensive treatment center, and then walked into AA. Brian, the third man, found AA the hard way—in prison.

I'll also discuss two topics of great interest to most men in early sobriety: Sex and Work. Lots of men have had their sex lives wrecked by drinking or using. Now they want to know: Is there sex after sobriety? Work is especially worrisome for men whose livelihood is dependent upon their ability to be creative. Men who write or paint or compose or sculpt for a living fear their creative muse will evaporate if they stop drinking or using. We'll take a look at this, too.

Finally, I've revised the Epilogue. It now contains some thoughts on AA's survivability, some additional thoughts on AA as a tribe or herd, a discussion of the alcoholic man in the 2000s, and an expanded discussion of what AA men need to know about character in order to help insure their sobriety.

Appendix A includes a 15-Question Generic Addiction Quiz for those who still aren't sure if they're addicted to alcohol or drugs, or if they suspect some other addiction and want to check it out. Appendix B a list of Seven Steps to Trigger a Spontaneous Remission. Appendix C is a list of tips on How to Upgrade Your Character.

Failed Follow-Ups

Even though The Alcoholic Man was never supposed to be a scientific study of recovery, merely an anecdotal one, when I set out to do this revision I thought it might be interesting to contact the eighteen original interviewees to see what's been going on with them over the last ten years. I did learn that three of the eighteen men had died. I went to the funeral of one of them (Arthur) who died of a heart attack. He died sober. That's very important to AA folks, by the way—dying sober. It's the first question you hear: Did he die sober? Via the AA grapevine I also found out that Phil (the second to last interview in the book) also had died—sober. The third death is one I haven't been able to confirm, so I'm not going to pinpoint who it is.

Following up on the remaining interviewees turned out to be trickier than I had anticipated. Even though I knew where to find many of those who'd been sober a long time, I couldn't track down the men who were in early sobriety at the time I interviewed them. I tried local phone books, local contacts, the Internet, but these searches proved fruitless. I gave up. However, statistically I know that chances are that half to two-thirds of them drank or used again. Numbers like that just go with the territory.

In twelve- step recovery groups, it is said that sooner or later you'll "hear your own story'' from somebody else at a meeting. When that happens, it often helps the new man commit to his recovery. Identification can do wonders. So if you are picking up this book for yourself, or for someone else, hopefully you’ll find a story that hits home.

Now let's move on to the Introduction: Toward a New Kind of Hero for some of those all- important basics.

INTRODUCTION

TOWARD A NEW KIND OF HERO

I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.

—Aristotle (B.C. 384-322)

He is sensitive, yet strong. He is sexy, yet faithful. He is serious, yet playful. He is courageous, yet gentle. He is responsible, honest, loyal, nonjudgmental, and creative. He knows who he is, and he is comfortable with all kinds of people of all ages. He exemplifies the work ethic.

He persists where others give up. He is a man of his word, he keeps his commitments and promises. He doesn't drink or take drugs. On top of all this, he knows how to love. Who is this hero I'm describing?

He is the recovering alcoholic man.

At first glance,