Nurturing Your New Life

By Heidi Sze

Words and recipes for the new mother.

For many first-time mothers expectations about their new life come from idealised images on TV, in magazines or online. It's a far cry from what it actually involves: lack of sleep, time and control - and total dependency on you by another. Becoming a mother brings extraordinary physical and emotional changes to a woman's life, but it also taps into deep instincts. Heidi Sze's message is to surrender to the changes, reject the guilt and accept the imperfect reality of this new life. Adjusting expectations and being true to your unique needs will bring a comfort, joy and peace that slavishly following rules, imposing unreachable standards and accumulating rooms of gadgets are unlikely to do.

As women go through this profound transition, it is crucial that they identify their support needs and trust their intuition. This book will help women do just that. Many people know Heidi from her blog Apples Under My Bed and Instagram account @heidiapples. Her beautiful words and special focus here on nourishment - with special new-life recipes - will help mothers - and fathers - nurture with reassurance the new life in their hands.

• Language: English
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers Australia
• Release date: Oct 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781460711057

Heidi Sze

Heidi Sze is a mother, writer and dietitian, specialising in pre- and postnatal nutrition. She lives in Australia with her husband and two children. On her blog, Apples Under My Bed, Heidi writes about everyday life, reflections on motherhood and the recipes that nourish her family. You can find Heidi on Instagram @heidiapples

Book preview

Introduction

When I was 5 years old, my mother gave birth to my younger brother. I remember the day well. We were at a birth centre in the city and my father, grandmother, older brother and I were in the room, along with a couple of midwives. People were moving swiftly, yet everything felt calm as our tiny new family member came into the world. Despite this clear snapshot of my brother’s birth, I have few memories of his newborn days.

As I grew up, babies rarely crossed my path – at least not long enough to elaborate on my impression that they were cute, smelled curiously great and seemed to do very little besides feed and sleep.

When my husband, Ben, and I found out we were going to be parents, this was more or less what we were expecting. Beyond my insight as a dietitian that certain foods would be beneficial after birth, my knowledge about postnatal life was light and limited. And so we prepared in a way that many parents-to-be do in our present day and age – we bought stuff. By 15 weeks, I was deep in online pram reviews, and by 23 weeks the bassinet was delivered. Week by week, we ticked items off our list, so that by the time our baby was born we would have everything we needed, and we would be ready.

What I learned the night my daughter, Joan, galloped into the world was that the only thing she really needed was me. There are nifty creations that can make your life easier, but nothing can tame the primal need for contact and milk. Some infants require advanced medical care to thrive, and we are fortunate to live in a time when this is available. But generally speaking, the empowering and overwhelming truth is that babies only need you. They need you all day and sometimes all night, no matter how tired you are and with no regard for your modern-world obligations.

Matrescence, the process of becoming a mother, has always been a time of great change in a woman’s life, but these days the transition feels even greater. Most of us aren’t privy to the realities of motherhood, as we no longer live in close companionship with previous generations. While our species has evolved in many other ways, the needs of newborns and the mother–baby relationship remains intensely animalistic, a fact that isn’t always acknowledged or supported – culturally or politically.

It’s easy to see, then, why many of our expectations surrounding pregnancy and motherhood are unrealistic. Images of contented smiles, growing bellies and mothers seemingly carrying out the job with ease lead us to believe this is how our experience will and should be. Books on getting your baby to sleep through the night and fitting back into your pre-baby jeans lead vulnerable new mothers, and society at large, to believe this is what we should be aiming for, and that once these aims are achieved all will be well.

Katherine Schultz Photography

These unrealistic expectations are fuelled by a lack of transitional support for women who want to pause their careers to have a family, which feeds the assumption that we should be able to ‘bounce back’ after having a baby and ‘do it all’. The reality is, no-one can do it all on their own; motherhood is a time of significant change and profound alteration to the way a woman thinks, feels and functions, and for most of us there will be no bouncing. Especially while we recover from pregnancy and childbirth, and settle in to our new lives.

No woman can prepare for motherhood completely, nor can we predict how our experience will unfold. Indeed, the entire process of conceiving, growing, birthing and caring for our children probably won’t happen as we imagine. I, for one, never envisaged I would need to take medication to conceive my first child, nor that I would spend the first 18 weeks of that pregnancy gagging at the sight of vegetables. I also never imagined my baby would remain in a breech position until the end and that there would be talk of a c-section. It was when my waters broke at 38 weeks and I found myself, soon afterwards, breathing my breech baby down and out through my birth canal that I realised how wildly unpredictable my life had become, and how intense my emotions and experiences as a mother could be.

Once I began preparing for baby number two – a boy named Walt – I was able to appreciate that the best way to get ready for this impending life change is to accept the fact that it is going to be life changing, unpredictable and intense, and to make space for that. I could work on releasing my expectations and, instead, try to tune in to, and accept, my reality; I could put support systems in place that would allow me to focus on nurturing – because, for a while, that might be all I could manage; I could strive to offer myself compassion as I once again cared for a newborn baby, only now with a 3-year-old who also needed me; and I could surround myself with people who reminded me to do these things – who would ask me how I was feeling, tell me I was doing a wonderful job and offer me a sandwich.

To those of you entering into the season of new motherhood, my hope is that you will find recognition and reassurance here, in these pages. Bringing a baby into the world and guiding them through it requires you to give, surrender and grow in ways that may be inconceivable before becoming a mother.

It’s hard work, glorious work. It’s also hungry work. And though I may not be able to offer you a sandwich, I can give you a recipe and remind you to nourish and care for yourself, reverently and with abundance, as you set about nurturing your new life.

Chapter One

Tuning In

I knew my period wasn’t going to come. It was due, and in the days leading up to its expected arrival I had experienced cramping on and off, which usually signals the beginning of my menstrual cycle. But something felt different from the previous two months Ben and I had spent trying to conceive our second child. Pregnancy and premenstrual symptoms are frustratingly similar, and so, as is often the case when making babies, I just had to wait and see.

In an attempt to cushion the blow were I not pregnant, I comforted myself with the fact that we hadn’t been trying for long and most couples take many more months to conceive. Also, if this wasn’t our month, it meant we’d likely be able to attend a family wedding in Hong Kong later that year. I repeated these things to myself, but with an underlying sense of certainty that I wouldn’t be renewing my passport. And I was right, I was pregnant. But we did end up going on that trip. Because instead of leading to my second child, my second pregnancy led to my first miscarriage.

Miscarriage is a common and utterly devastating experience. Our loss, though heartbreaking, left me with a greater respect for my body’s innate wisdom. Most early miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities and are a normal part of making healthy babies. I found comfort in surrendering to this fact and the sometimes wondrous, sometimes painful process of growing new life.

Nevertheless, it was unsettling to observe my intuition clash with my reality. You see, from the moment I suspected I was pregnant, I felt I was carrying a strong and healthy baby. It wasn’t until my 8-week scan, as my obstetrician spent far too long searching for a heartbeat, that I felt differently. I wondered, had I not attended that appointment and carried on assuming I was pregnant for a few more weeks, would my initial feeling have changed? Would I have noticed something was off, as my body prepared to release and reset? After resting on the couch while crying for my lost baby with a hot water bottle down my pants (miscarriage really is a shitty, shitty thing), I came to understand that it didn’t matter either way.

So often in life, when we open ourselves up to receive good and valuable experiences, we must make ourselves vulnerable to heartache. Tuning in doesn’t alter this fact; it can’t help us to foresee outcomes and protect ourselves from pain. Rather, being in tune with who we are and how we are feeling helps us to know what we need in order to continue allowing ourselves to be open and vulnerable. To keep going through it all. If ‘tuning in’ sounds vague to you, don’t worry, I get it. This kind of language can seem a bit hippy-dippy, so let’s make things clear. Tuning in simply means knowing who you are and paying attention to how you are feeling. While that may sound simple enough, in our present culture, many of us are unfamiliar with the practice.

From a young age, we are flooded with external influences that inform our beliefs on who we should be, what we should want, how we should spend our money, what we should weigh, what we should eat, when we should be working, when we should be making babies and how we should raise them. It can, therefore, feel foreign to look within, and yet it serves us greatly to do so.

Tuning in connects us to our inner self – that is, who we are at our core, what our values are and how we tick. These are essential things to know if we wish to live a fulfilling life. It also allows us to observe what’s going on in our body and mind in the present moment, as we respect the fact that our circumstances, feelings and needs are not static – especially in times of transition, such as during and after pregnancy. This kind of self-awareness allows us to truly know ourselves and thus truly nurture ourselves, which is why I am beginning the book here.

A note on values

Contentment is a universal pursuit. What brings us contentment, however, is unique to every person. To help you identify your values, reflect on your life experiences.

•When do you feel most happy?

•What behaviours, situations or interactions bring you personal satisfaction?

•When do you feel as though you are living the life you were born to live?

We hear a lot about what we should want, what we should do and what should make us happy, and this can distract us from what it is we actually want. As you tune in and reflect, be open to what you hear. Losing my older brother unexpectedly, when I was 22 years old, taught me how fleeting and fragile life is, and helped me to see with clarity how I wished to spend my days. That is, connecting with and nurturing others and savouring small, everyday joys.

After finishing my degree in nutrition and dietetics, I made some decisions that would allow me to live in line with my values. I lived frugally and moved to an area that had cheap rent so I could balance my days working as a dietitian – which I needed in order to earn money to live (and I do, thankfully, enjoy this work) – with days at home doing the things that brought me the most fulfilment: writing, cooking and being with those I love.

Grief had the same effect on Ben (my then boyfriend, now husband), who felt the loss of my brother deeply, having known him since he was 16. After reflecting on the things that brought him true satisfaction, Ben re-evaluated the decisions he had made up until that point simply because they seemed like the right thing to do, and made a career change.

In making these changes, Ben and I have both found ourselves to be more content. We’re certainly not living in a perpetual state of happiness – that’s not real life. But we do feel as though we are living a life of integrity – that is, one in line with our values.

Connecting to your inner self and having these discussions with your partner is a good idea before entering into parenthood. You may like to make a list itemising the things you both value most – kindness, achievement, respect, honesty, adventure, family, and so on. If your core values align, you will, no doubt, experience less conflict day to day. Regardless, an awareness of, and respect for, what drives you can help you to better support each other throughout this transition.

Be aware, though, that what drives us can change. While our core, fundamental values often remain the same throughout life, our perspective and desires can be altered (whether permanently or just for a season) based on our experiences – such as becoming a parent. Not every mother will experience a big or permanent shift in her values, but many do experience a dissonance between their pre-baby values and those of their new-mother self. Rather than assuming how you will feel once your baby arrives, try to be open, patient and flexible as you settle in to your new life.

How to tune in

Life is fast and full of distractions. In order to tune in, you need to pause and pay attention. Mindful practices are often at odds with our busy, overstimulated lives, and that is precisely why they’re crucial. We need to get back in touch with how we are feeling, and not to attach judgement to what it is we uncover when tuning in.

Initially, it might feel strange to stop and listen, but soon enough it can become second nature. It’s helpful to know that you may need to try a few different ways of connecting before you find a technique that resonates with you.

MINDFULNESS

One option to help you tune in is to engage in a mindful practice. The goal is mindfulness – that is, an awareness of yourself in the present moment. It can be brief or long – whatever feels good and is achievable.

If you can, find somewhere quiet and comfortable, whether outside in nature or indoors, such as a cosy chair or a warm bath. Don’t worry if you can only find time when standing in a noisy, crowded train, though – mindfulness still works in these situations, and can be really useful to help you feel calm and centred. Wherever you are, bring your attention to your body and to your breathing. Notice how you are feeling and let go of any judgement that may arise when doing so. For example, ‘I feel tired’, ‘The sun on my cheek feels warm’, ‘I feel restless’.

If thoughts enter your mind (‘What should I make for dinner tonight?’) or if you find yourself getting caught up in a critical, internal dialogue (‘I feel so tired. Ugh, I shouldn’t have stayed up late. Why do I do that to myself?!’), simply bring yourself back to your body and your breath – in and out, in and out. These intrusive thoughts are normal and commonly occur. It can be helpful to picture them as clouds in the sky, moving across your mind as you let them pass.

Mindfulness practice of this nature has been shown to have numerous benefits beyond self-awareness – it can strengthen our immune system and help in the management of depression, anxiety and stress. As we are more vulnerable to mental health issues during and after pregnancy, mindfulness can be extremely beneficial for pregnant women and new mothers. Even if you feel like you’re not doing much by simply observing your thoughts and feelings, research confirms you are. Some days the practice will seem difficult and many thoughts will enter your mind, and that’s ok. All that matters is you take the time to stop and pay attention without judgement.

MOVING

Our bodies are made to move. When we are active, we see great improvements in our physiological and psychological health. In our current, weight-obsessed culture, however, the word ‘exercise’ can have negative connotations. We tend to associate it with lacing up our sneakers and burning kilojoules as compensation for the food we ate when we were being ‘naughty’. As a non-diet dietitian, this worries me.

I find the simple switch of calling exercise ‘moving’ helps to make it the positive, energising and enriching experience it should be. The type of movement for which our body yearns will change from season to season (and even day to day), so be sure to tune in to what feels good. And know that when you move – whether you’re walking, stretching or dancing – you will feel happier, sleep better and be more connected to what is happening in your body and mind.

WRITING AND TALKING

The act of putting your thoughts and feelings on paper (or typing on a device) is incredibly beneficial to your mental health. Writing allows you to clear your mind of worrying thoughts, while giving you the opportunity to gain perspective over them. It can also help you to observe patterns between your feelings and the situations that may trigger them. You don’t have to expend energy analysing what you’ve written in order for it to be valuable. In fact, sometimes you’re better off just dumping whatever is in your brain onto the page, knowing you can throw it out once it’s done.

If writing isn’t appealing to you, consider talking. Verbally sharing your thoughts and feelings is similarly beneficial to writing, in that it allows you to express them. Suppressing or bottling up our emotions negatively affects our individual wellbeing and our relationships, whereas talking to a counsellor or confidant can help you to better understand yourself and your circumstances. It can also help you to adopt a more accepting and compassionate mindset towards yourself and others.

BARE FEET ON THE GROUND

When life feels chaotic (or even when it doesn’t), one of my favourite ways to tune out the noise of the world and tune in to myself is to place my bare feet on the ground. Personally, I prefer grass, but sand works well, too (as does dirt, if you’re fine with a bit of mess). ‘Earthing’, as this act is often called, has become a popular practice in recent years, as we begin to recognise the benefits of physically connecting with nature – something we don’t do nearly enough in our modern world. I heartily encourage you to try it.

2, 2 AND 2

My mother taught me this final practice when I was a child. She would use it as a way of calming my nerves before ballet performances and school exams. Very simply, ‘2, 2 and 2’ involves noticing two things in your environment you can smell, two things you can see and two things you can feel. If one of these doesn’t appeal, you can replace it with