The Lifestyle: Taking a Look at Alternative Relationships and the Serious Side of Sex.

By Tony Norwen

This book describes many of the relationships, rules, and practices involved in alternative adult lifestyles like swinging, BDSM, and polyamory.It was written to dispel some of the myths surrounding these lifestyles and give a basic primer on the true way they work.

Upon reading this book, you should have a better understanding of the importance of sex in modern marriage. This book discusses the reason some people choose these lifestyles, and the benefits and challenges associated with them. It also discusses the role of communication in modern marriage and the reasons why open, honest communication benefits not only alternative relationships, but traditional ones as well.There's advice for single men and single women, and we discuss some of the benefits, challenges, and realities facing singles in the dating world, in and out of the lifestyle.

The author has drawn the most experience from 8 years in the swinger lifestyle, but the lessons learned are lessons from which anyone can benefit. In this book, those life lessons are translated into a perspective of someone who is not in any way interested in becoming involved in swinging, BDSM, polyamory, or any other fetishes or kinks. Traditional couples can learn the same lessons that "lifestyle" people learn, without ever having to change their beliefs or invite someone else into their bedroom.

This book is a tool for understanding the lifestyle, and is the farthest thing from a recruitment tool. There are more people becoming interested in alternative relationships every day, but no guidebook for how to go about living those relationships or overcome some of the challenges they will face. This is that guidebook.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tony Norwen
• Release date: Oct 6, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393890065

Book preview

Intro

What is the serious side of sex anyway? Lots of people like to talk about STIs and undesired/unplanned pregnancies, but there are a lot more sides to the story than just getting sick, or getting pregnant. Sex can be the glue that holds your life together, or the wedge that tears it apart. No one admits it nearly as much as it should be, but wars have been fought over it. Lives have been lost. Alliances have been created and shattered in its name. People desperate for sex have commited some of the worst atrocities in history, and created some of the greatest masterpieces the world has ever known. Sex is pretty serious.

On the opposite side of that coin, it’s an activity, generally, to be taken lightly and done for fun! This is a book about the lifestyle. Swingers and kinksters, for one group, are DEFINITELY aware that sex is a fun and often frivilous activity. In this book, I’m going to break down both sides of that coin, and show where they start to blend together, so we can all share an understanding of when to have fun with it, and when to take a step back and get a better look at what is going on.

A quick word of warning to anyone with a more delicate mental constitution: This book contains many strong references to sex. There is strong language, VERY adult themes, and descriptions of sexual acts. You probably knew that before you opened this book, but nobody can say I didn't warn them.

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What's the real serious side? When it comes down to what really makes sex so important you end up with a really complicated matter of discussions, communication, agreements, negotiations, fantasies, and a plethora of other things that must be discussed and talked about and decided. I'll try to go through as much of that as possible, but honestly speaking, even in this book I probably will not be able to cover all of the complex subject matter that will be involved in every type of sex life.

One of the most common themes you're going to see in this book is about communication. Why is this so important? What is it that we have so much to talk about? Well, a lot. When it comes right down to it, it is my belief that there is no such thing as a normal sex session or normal sex partners. Everybody has a fantasy, everybody has something they wish they could try, everybody has something they really wish that they can talk to their spouse about and sometimes may not be quite comfortable bringing up.

Let's take rope play as one of the easiest options. Lots of people are into rope play, rope tying is very beautiful, it can be easy, it's fast to learn, and just about anybody from men to women, young to old can be into it without it being terribly sexual. But how do you bring that up without your spouse potentially thinking that you're ... strange? You're the same person you've always been. You still care about your family. You still have the same beliefs as you've always had. But maybe it's intriguing to be able to give up control and give up a little bit of movement. Maybe you just think that rope tying is beautiful, and you would like to see what it looks like on you? This is Perfectly Natural and normal. It doesn't have to be scary. And it doesn't have to mean that your normal life or your sex life has to change. Rope is just a fun thing. You can try it, you can practice it, you can get good at it, you could take pictures, it doesn't have to be anything big. But how do you bring it up?

I would say start slow. How did you find out about it? How did you become interested in it? Maybe don't throw your spouse in at the deep end where you happen to be swimming, but introduce them slowly, like you were. Did you see pictures first? Then show them pictures. Did you read an article? Then show them the article. Tell them what you feel about it, and what you felt about it when you first read it or saw it. If you're passionate about it, then show your spouse your passion and how excited you are to research it. Chances are, when they see your excitement and your passion and your love for it, they will be excited as well. This is going to be something of a theme in this book. Showing your spouse your passion and your excitement about something is genuinely how you want to discuss any kind of lifestyle or sexual changes. That's what makes it fun. That's what makes it exciting.

But, why is communicating so important? Our society tends to downplay talking because talking in and of itself is so easy. Talk is cheap actions speak louder than words... Sentiments like these make it seem like trying to talk to your spouse, or talk to your significant other, is just useless. You can make it feel like you should just go out and do it. Just go do something. That's going to make the real mark and the real impact. The problem with this, is that with certain things that impact can be so enormous that it's really hard to come back from. Think of it as the difference between getting hit by a flying pillow and getting hit by a flying baseball. Some things are like a pillow. Even if it may be annoying to just get hit with it, it probably won't cause any real damage. In that case, just go for it. Just go ahead and do it. But the lifestyle is much more like a baseball. Getting hit with something like that can hurt. It can be sudden, it can be unexpected, they can hit you hard, and in a place where you were never expecting to get hit. Talking, in this case, is more like putting your spouse in padding. They may need that protection. They may need to be prepared. Putting on that padding can be the difference between breaking a marriage and having a whole new adventure. Soon enough you may not need the padding anymore. Soon enough you may be able to just throw that baseball at full speed and your spouse will just catch it like nothing ever happened. But that first time, you may want to protect them a little bit.

Definitions

First things first . For the sake of ease as you read through this book you will encounter what may be some new words that will be used quite frequently. Allow me to define some of these terms so that we’re all on the same page. These are my personal definitions as they apply to various parts of the sexual and dating scene.

Consent: As this is one of the most important concepts in any sexual or adventurous conversation, let's tackle this one first.  Consent is the act of actively agreeing to something. In BDSM (or in any part of life) consent can happen for certain things, and not others. We're going to talk about communication a lot. While you're having these conversations, it's important to discuss what acts you consent to or not. 

We can withdraw consent at anytime, meaning we are able to stop what we are doing or what is happening to us. Checking for consent should be something we do constantly, which we can simply ask, is this okay for you? how is this? what would you like? If you don't wish to check in so directly during your playtime, this is something that can be discussed beforehand when creating your rules and boundaries.

Play: Play can have a few meanings, but for the purposes of this book, the most common meaning will be that play means sex. There are other possibilities like soft play where it doesn’t necessarily mean sex, but basically everything but. Then there’s all sorts of BDSM-play, where sex may not take place at all. When these are the case; I will do my best to specify. Usually with BDSM, I will try to include the word scene, to indicate that the style of play involved here is not necessarily sexual.

Scene: These are sessions of BDSM play which can vary wildly. I will delve into more about what they can involve later, but it is quite far-reaching, and includes more than you may think. If you’ve played with a feather or flower petals, just for the great little sensations you get, then you’ve engaged in a BDSM scene.

Lifestyle: The activities, small groups, and the entire community that makes up swingers, polyamory, BDSM, kinks and fetishes. This, in my opinion, means every person and every activity across the sexual and nearly-sexual spectrum. The lifestyle is a community of open-minded adults exploring their fantasies and desires. For some, it’s just their group of friends with whom they feel comfortable talking about their exploits. And for some it’s a big sprawling society that spans the world. The lifestyle is also a mindset. Not being bound  by social conventions around what’s allowed when you’re considering sex or exploring your and your partner’s bodies. The lifestyle is also the acts themselves. That scene I described above with the flower petals is a lifestyle scene. It is part of the BDSM lifestyle. If you and your husband found a nice woman, and had that scene all together with her, then that would be a swinger and BDSM lifestyle scene, all rolled up into one. And you would never have to join a group, or understand the definitions, or even know why you wanted to do it. It was just fun. This book is about labelling the activities, not labelling yourself. You don’t have to call yourself a swinger, or a BDSMer, or anything. You can just be a person, or a couple, or a poly-group, or a dynamic. Whomever you are, you will still be that after closing the last page of this book. You should simply have a better understanding of the lifestyle as a whole and everyone in it. Whether you choose to make a definition for yourself(ves) is up to you.

Vanilla: Vanilla is a term we in the lifestyle use for non-lifestyle people. There is nothing wrong with being vanilla. Some vanilla friends who are in lifestyle groups feel the need to be defensive. We did not come up with the name. We were introduced to it as were our mentors and our mentors’ mentors. Vanilla just means that you are in a monogamous relationship with no acknowledged kinks. Just like in baking, vanilla does NOT mean boring. This is an insulting false parallel that some ascribe to the vanilla title that will absolutely not fly in this book. I make pancakes in my kitchen, and do you know my favorite thing to add into pancakes to make them taste just fantastic? That’s right, just a drop or two of vanilla. Vanilla can be FANTASTIC and while this book is about nearly everything but the vanilla life, I will strive to present those choices in as positive a light as possible.

-As a small aside, In many places in this book, I will add what I call a Vanilla perspective. It will always be in red lettering to let you know who I’m talking to. I’ve placed these perspectives in for those who bear no desire to join any part of the lifestyle. I have tried to include many life lessons that could improve the lives of anyone in these sections, so even if you’re deep into the lifestyle, make sure to read through these sections as well. Every section of this book is for every reader.

Boundaries/limits: This is the concept of a line you won’t cross. Like other concepts here, this can be sexual or non-sexual. You put these in place to ensure your partner does not cross a mental or physical line that could hurt you, make you feel unsafe, or just isn’t of interest. It’s a vital part of consent that helps make sure your partner understands your needs, and what is absolutely off-limits. 

Hard boundaries, or Hard Limits, are acts that you will absolutely not do; one of my hard boundaries is that I refuse to participate in any play that involves fully restricting my movement. 

Soft boundaries, or Soft Limits, are acts that you will sometimes do, and it depends on how you are feeling and discussing it beforehand. A soft boundary for me is  kissing, as it depends on the person, and if I'm in the mood for that level of intimacy. 

In short, boundaries/limits is about asking for what you want, getting it how you want, and not leaving any grey area to what happens with you, to you, or someone else.