When Kids Ask Hard Questions: Faith-Filled Responses for Tough Topics

By Chalice Press

The world is a confusing and painful place for children (and adults). How do you respond faithfully to your kids’ big questions? Learn to craft faithful conversations and be better prepared to talk about the tough stuff with your kids. More than 30 essays from a diverse group of young Christian parents/pastors address today’s toughest topics, including gender, race, bullying, mental illness, death, divorce, money, technology, and generosity. When Kids Ask Hard Questions invites you to take a deep breath, create safe spaces for the hard conversations, and speak the truth in love. Each chapter includes a resource list for further exploration.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chalice Press
• Release date: Oct 8, 2019
• ISBN: 9780827243316

Book preview

Praise for When Kids Ask Hard Questions

Children have big questions. But nobody is answering them. Most religion books have to do with beliefs, ritual, history, and holidays and not with the larger questions about purpose, unfairness, loss, and meaning. This book is different. It is not afraid of questions. With grace, honesty, and wisdom, it helps us engage in the most important conversations we can have with our children.

— Sandy Eisenberg Sasso author of God’s Paintbrush, Who is My Neighbor, and The Story of And

As parents, sometimes we know the answers, sometimes we don’t, sometimes we just want to convene a council with the wisest spiritual leaders before giving our children the thoughtful answer they deserve to their range of questions. This book is that council; seek and find your responses bolstered by compassion, clarity, and confidence.

— Cindy Wang Brandt, author of Parenting Forward: How to Raise Children with Justice, Mercy & Kindness

The why? how? what if? questions children ask often leave us speechless. Parents, grandparents, teachers, pastors—pause and read this book now! It will help you with the conversations you can have with children as they learn how to both face difficult questions and live faithfully in God’s world.

— Elizabeth Caldwell, Vanderbilt Divinity School

An encyclopedia of progressive and faithful parenting, this is your new go-to for timely wisdom on topics ranging from racism, bullying, grief, money, technology, and more. The wide variety of wise authors all offer profoundly personal entry points, but lead us out into steps that are actionable and practical so we can immediately put what we learn to work.

— Molly Baskette, UCC pastor and coauthor of Bless This Mess: A Modern Guide to Faith and Parenting in a Chaotic World

Like having on a nightstand a collection of best friends, trusted advisors, deep thinkers, and folks just doing their best to bring better little humans into the world. There to reach for and flip to what you need when you need it. And to encourage you to get out of your comfort zone to have conversations with the children in your life that need to be had.

— Ellen O’Donnell, child psychologist and coauthor of Bless This Mess: A Modern Guide to Faith and Parenting in a Chaotic World

Copyright

Copyright ©2019 by the authors of each chapter, as noted on contents page and on the first page of each chapter.

All rights reserved. For permission to reuse content, please contact Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, [phone], www.copyright.com.

Bible quotations, unless otherwise noted, are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright 1989, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (CEV) are taken from the Contemporary English Version. Copyright © 1991, 1992, 1995 by American Bible Society. Used by Permission.

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

Quotations marked Message are from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson, copyright (c) 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved.

Scriptures marked CEB are from the Common English Bible, copyright © by Common English Bible. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

The FAITH5 concepts discussed in Crafting a Family Culture of Conversation are copyrighted © Faith Inkubators. Used with the permission of Faith Inkubators. All Rights Reserved. www.faithink.org, www.faith5.org.

ChalicePress.com

Print ISBN: 9780827243309

EPUB: 9780827243316

EPDF: 9780827243323

Contents

Praise for When Kids Ask Hard Questions

Copyright

Foreword

Crafting a Family Culture of Conversation

Who Am I?—Reflecting on

Bodies and Souls

Stuck in the Middle

How Come He Won’t Talk to Me?

That’s What Counts

Good Enough for Jesus

Let’s Talk about Sex

A Coat with Many Pockets, an Overwatered Plant

God’s Not a Fan

Who Are We?—Reflecting on

Families and Relationships

Being a Friend

We Go Together

How Will We Tell Our Children We’re Getting Divorced ?

Getting Attached

Why Did This Happen?—Reflecting on Loss

Love Never Ends

She’s Having the Temper Tantrum You Want To Have

Giving Kids a Voice in the Wilderness

What Am I Afraid Of?—Reflecting on Fear and Courage

Why We C.A.R.E.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Courage and Hospitality

Why Can’t I Wear This Costume?

Are We Doing More Harm than Good Teaching Kids about the Violence of the Cross?

Asking the Tough Question about Bullying

Talking to Kids about Gun Violence

What’s Going On?—Reflecting on Faith and the Way the World Works

It’s Okay to Have Doubts

Love for Your Neighbor

Raising Holy Sparks

Writing New Scripts

A Pledge to Forgive

What’s Fair?—Reflecting on Money and Economics

Disciples, Not Fundraisers

Naming What They See

Truth and Lies

But Those Are MY Toys!

The Life-changing Magic of Setting Limits

Endless Song

More Resources from Chalice Press

The Young Clergy Women International (YCWI) Series

About the Editors

Foreword

Matthew Paul Turner

If I’ve learned anything about parenting in the 11 years since Jessica and I welcomed our first child, it’s that kids ask a lot of questions. As toddlers, they ask why? at least 100 times a day. In preschool, our children’s questions begin to morph into (almost) complete sentences—do I have to take a nap? or I watch Netflix? Once they start reading and begin learning new ideas and stories on their own, many of their questions have less to do with their curiosity and more about trying to stump us with all that they’re learning—Do you know how many rooms are in the White House? or Do you know who first discovered gravity?

So much of our kids’ lives revolve around asking us questions.

And in the beginning, while we might not know the answers to all of their inquiries or possess the patience to even listen to every single one with our fullest attention, we’re rarely afraid of what they’re going to ask. That’s because most of the questions they ask are usually joyous and innocent, small curiosities from tiny humans discovering new things that they want to comprehend. Even when their questions stump us, we can find delight in joining them on their search for the answers (thank you, Google!).

But at some point, as they grow and become more and more aware of the world around them, their list of questions begin to include the occasional inquiry that catches us off guard, the kind of question that stops us in our tracks. They start asking us about race or gender. Or they ask us about poverty or about death. Sometimes they ask us really hard questions about God.

I’ll never forget when my then seven-year-old asked me if the coat she was wearing made her look fat. Though I knew that ideas regarding body image often became topics of conversation among girls during grade school, I was still taken aback by the question at first. Thankfully, I had the wherewithal to take a deep breath and craft an answer for her that was body-positive and without shame, knowing that my little girl was listening to my every word. Another moment I remember was when my then eight-year-old son asked me what the word suicide meant. As I began to answer, I prayed for grace, and offered him the best, most truthful response I could muster on the fly.

But those moments have taught me that I need to be a proactive parent, one who is anticipating the hard questions, one who has considered what my answers will be, one who uses every difficult question as an opportunity to teach and inform and develop a relationship with my kids that is safe, without fear, and open. Our oldest kid just turned 11, which means his questions are now beginning to evolve and mature as his growing brain begins to take in all that he sees and hears and experiences. On one level, it’s exciting. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I am also a little scared. Oh I’m not scared of the questions he’s going to ask or the topics he might be curious to learn about; I’m fearful of how my answers might affect him: Will I say enough? Should I say more? Am I overthinking all of this?

As every one of us who’s raising kids learns very quickly, parenting is no joke. And that’s why I believe it’s incredibly important to parent proactively. Jessica and I are constantly reading books and articles and sharing with each other resources that offer advice and wisdom on how to engage our kids’ questions with hopeful, informed answers. Our hope is that our kids will grow up to be adults who are kind and generous and use their God-given talents to bring love and light into the world. But we also want them to be culturally informed, fully aware of their privilege, and not overwhelmed by fear. We want them to know about the challenges we as a culture face—racial and gender equality, gun violence, LGBTQ+ rights, and how to live peacefully among those with whom we have differences.

Which is why I’m grateful for the book that you are holding, When Kids Ask Hard Questions; Faith-filled Responses to Tough Topics. As a parent of faith, I know how hard it is to find faith-positive books about parenting that 1) don’t make me cringe and 2) align with my progressive ideals. This book you are about to read is culturally relevant, void of shame-and-fear-based tactics, and filled with empowering, hopeful, and God-filled wisdom on so many of the topics our kids are asking us about. Reading this book has not only offered me answers to so many of the questions that my kids have either asked me already or will ask me soon, but it empowers me with information to begin engaging my kids proactively in conversations about topics and ideas they need to know, that I want them to know.

I’m less afraid after reading this book. You will be too.

Crafting a Family Culture of Conversation

The Rev. Karen Ware Jackson

Mommy, remember when you said, ‘Some kids aren’t boys or girls’? What does that mean?

As I tucked my seven-year-old daughter into bed, I scrambled to gather my thoughts and remember exactly where and in what context I spoke those words. I think it had been almost a year ago, when we were talking about a new friend she met on the playground; but, in a classic kid move, now, out of nowhere, my daughter was lobbing a seriously hard question about gender identity at me!

That night, we talked about how all bodies are created good and beautiful by God. I hope I gave her a more expansive understanding of gender, but it can be a hard concept for a child to grasp. (For more on this topic, be sure to check out Becca Girrell’s That’s What Counts: Navigating Questions about Gender and Identity.) Growing up in a society that promotes a binary gender worldview with gusto—especially in childhood—kids often attempt to classify not only people but activities, toys, clothing—even feelings—with gender. Their brains are wired to categorize to take in more information, and their world teaches them girl/boy is an appropriate and useful category. I’m sure I had been encouraging her not to worry about the child’s gender, and simply enjoy their friendship. It had worked in the moment, but as her brain and body began to grow and mature, she had more questions.

The truth is, just as this was a continuation of an earlier conversation, we will talk about this again and again as she grows in understanding and experience. I know I don’t need to explain everything in one conversation (that’s impossible) but I want to be sure that whenever we talk, what I say is thoughtful, faithful, and understandable.

The goal of this book to equip you for these tough conversations with the children in your life. Each essay will give you tools to think critically about what you believe, to engage your faith and scripture in the conversation, and to develop language and practices that communicate your values to your kids. Whatever your role in caring for kids—parent, stepparent, grandparent, aunt/uncle, teacher, or pastor—we know you want to help children navigate these important and complex topics. We can’t answer the Big Questions for you, but we can help you be ready to begin the conversations.

First things first: in order to have these conversations, you need to be talking to kids regularly. It seems like a no-brainer, but it can be difficult to create spaces in which children feel safe and free to share their inner lives. The dinner table is the classic locale for family conversations—with the sharing of food and the sharing of stories creating their own familiar rhythm. But, as family life becomes increasingly complex, work, school, activities, travel, and custody issues may make regular family dinners impossible. Still, we need to be intentional about making space to talk about life and faith. It is these daily, often predictable and mundane conversations that open the door to holy, unexpected questions.

A ritual or regular pattern of conversation can help build the foundation for these tough questions. Many families find the car carries a certain conversational magic. Moving from one place to another, locked together for a defined length of time, eyes focused on the road or the landscape, the car becomes its own world where the weighty words become more manageable, less intense. A family walk or hike can have a similar effect on deep conversations. As the fresh air calms our minds and the physical exertion calms our bodies, the open spaces have plenty of room to hold all our big thoughts and feelings.

Scripture reminds us that daily conversations are not just good practice for a healthy family life, but vital to a life of faith. Consider Jesus’ command, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’ (Mt. 22:37–39; also Mk. 12:29–31; and affirmed by Jesus in Lk. 10:27–28). Love God and love your neighbor are based on the Hebrew Scriptures. Deuteronomy 6 give us important insight, following the commandment (called The Shema in the Jewish faith) with further instruction to, Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise (vv. 6–7). The way that we write the word of God upon our hearts, and upon the hearts of our children, is through regular and even repetitive conversation. We cannot consign the job of teaching our children about God to Sunday school teachers or pastors. We cannot limit faith conversations to Sunday morning. Our children, and we ourselves, need to be talking about our faith and what matters to us every day.

In my home, we share our faith and lives at bedtime using a simple but powerful practice developed by Faith Inkubators: The FAITH5™.

SHARE your highs and lows - We begin with sharing our highs and lows of the day. This helps us go beyond What did you do today? and focus on what really made an impact. We also love that it’s reciprocal, with the adults sharing about their day along with the kids.

READ a Bible verse or story - We read a story from the Bible—but if your household has multiple faith traditions, you can bring in wisdom from other sacred texts, poetry, or prose.

TALK about how the Bible reading might relate to your highs and lows - We talk about what we read and try to connect it to our daily lives. (If this part intimidates you, there are questions at the end of each story in many kids’ Bibles. Start there!)

PRAY for one another’s highs and lows - We pray for each other’s highs and lows. This helps children learn empathy and helps them put words to their own joys and sorrows as well as others.

BLESS one another - After we ask permission, we give one another a blessing kiss and say, God loves you, and so do I. Rest well, beloved child of God. This final step is the most important to us because the children have as much power as the adults to bless and be blessed.

I love that this framework takes the things we already do with our children—such as sharing about our days, reading, and giving goodnight kisses—and seamlessly integrates faith with family life. When we began three years ago, it felt easy and authentic because we didn’t have to add one more thing to an already packed schedule. We just became more intentional about putting words to our faith and practicing mutuality. Even if we skip a few steps for time or simplicity, we never skip the mutual blessing. To bless a child, and then receive that blessing in return, is transformational. In my experience, you do not have to do every step every night.

This FAITH5 ritual helps us create a family culture in which everyone can speak and listen, can teach and learn, can give as well as receive. As we share the mundane details of our lives, we build in the wisdom of our faith and allow space for big questions and fears and pain and joy. Having a ritual also allows us, even when we can’t be there in person, to connect across the miles with video chat or phone conversations. (I can’t tell you how often I’ve given blessing kisses to my kids through my smartphone.)

When I consider the role these rituals of talking and blessing play in our family life, it makes sense that my daughter would choose bedtime to ask me a hard question. This is the time we talk about what really matters to us. We know that bedtime rituals play a vital role in calming children’s bodies and minds, preparing them for sleep. (This is true for adults too!) But, there is an added bonus to bedtime stories and prayers. Brain science tells us that what we think about just before sleep often plays a key role in our dreams and sleep processing.¹ I love that my kids go to sleep with words of blessing ringing in their ears—that, when they dream and process all the thoughts and emotions of their day, the messages we communicate during that special time take precedence: You are loved. You are important. You are powerful.

The world can be a confusing and painful place for children (and adults), but take heart! Your kids are listening to you. We promise. So, get ready: read and think and pray and talk to your village. Then, take a deep breath and speak the truth in love. You can make all the difference.

Crafting the Conversation

As you consider the children in your life, think about how you can create regular space for these important conversations.

• Look for the rituals already present in your life together: bedtime prayers, Saturday morning pancakes, a weekly coffee and cookie date, family movie night, even a nightly video chat. You already carve out time for these activities. How can you be more intentional about weaving deeper conversation, mutuality, and faith into these spaces?

• Develop a list of questions or topics that concern your children. Start with what they have already asked, but you might also look beyond to what they might be seeing and experiencing in the world or in their own bodies. This can be tricky because you do not want to project your own fears and anxieties onto your children, but they may need you to help them find language for their worries. You might say something such as: I worry about this sometimes. Do you ever worry about it?

• Take time to think about what you want to say about these topics. That’s what this book is for! Each author offers both practical advice for crafting the conversation, and a list of further reading so you can do a deep dive when you need more information.

• When you get a Big Question sprung on you with no time to research and soul search, you may need to speak as truthfully and thoughtfully as you can in the moment, but know that you can always ask for more time. I appreciate your question, and I’m so glad you asked me. I want to think more about how I’m going to answer. Can we talk about this in a few days? It’s best to be as specific as you can about when you’ll talk again, and to reassure the child that you remember the question. I want you to know that I’m still thinking about your question and we will talk about it again.

• Whenever possible, get on the same page with the other important adults in your child’s life. The topics in this book can bring up big emotions for adults too, which can make them controversial. It is ideal if you can come up with the message and language together, even if you are not together when having the conversation. When you disagree, you may be able to support each other’s varying opinions, or disagree about the complexities but agree about the basic message. Still, know that if a child opens up to you about a difficult topic, your thoughts matter, even if they are different from what the child hears from other adults in their life.

Further Exploration

For more information about FAITH5 and how you might use it in your home:

• Holding Your Family Together: 5 Simple Steps to Help Bring Your Family Closer to God and Each Other, Rich Melheim

• www.faith5.org, ©Faith Inkubators

For great rituals, traditions, and touchstones for your family:

• Faithful Families: Creating Sacred Moments at Home, Traci Smith

The Rev. Karen Ware Jackson

is a pastor in the Presbyterian Church (USA) who is passionate about creating interactive worship and inter-generational community. She and her husband (also a pastor) parent two children who keep them honest, ask fabulous questions, and bless them beyond words.

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¹ Rich Melheim, Holding Your Family Together: 5 Simple Steps to Help Bring Your Family Closer to God and Each Other (Ventura, Calif: Regal, 2013), 199–212.

Who Am I?—Reflecting on

Bodies and Souls

Stuck in the Middle

Understanding Your School-Age Child

Sarah Leer

It was 5 p.m., and the rush of elementary school children at our church program had reduced from a tornado of activity, to a dull roar, to one lone kindergartener, waiting on her parent to pick her up. I serve a church in a busy small town with families in which both parents work; it isn’t unusual to have parents stuck in traffic at 5 p.m. As I cleaned up from the program and took a minute to catch my breath, this artistic, creative, and extroverted six-year-old started talking to me about what would happen when she grew up. I asked her about what job she might want to have, hinting that public service and politics could use a smart, creative brain like hers. By this time, my colleague, a pastor and our head of staff, came into the space. She joined our conversation. With the confidence of a much older child, this child shrugged off my suggestion of running for Senate and told me: I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up, but I want to change the world and make it a better place. It was a confident, aware, and passionate statement. My colleague and I looked at each other and took deep breaths as we teared up. We encouraged that impulse and affirmed her desire to change the world. In a world that can feel overwhelming and chaotic, we were reminded that God is at work in our community and in the lives of our children.

What we encountered in that moment is not an unusual occurrence in the life of a child in middle childhood, as developmental experts name it. More commonly, those of us who work with children in this age group use the terms school-age or elementary-age children when referring to children 5–12 years old. Children in this age group are learning from supportive adults in their community environments. As trusted adults, my colleague and I were given the sacred task of hearing this child’s dreams and passions. It was our job to affirm her, and remind her that we, as her church family, were there as a support system.

School-age children are finding their place in their world by comparing and contrasting their experiences with those of others. They are trying to figure out where they fit by watching their peers and people in their communities. Of course, we know each person and child is unique. Some children may develop on an atypical timeline due to differences in their bodies and brains. Sometimes trauma or particular life experience can change a child’s development. When I refer to specific ages, I’m speaking about typically developing children, but I hope these insights can give you a reference point to better understand the beautiful and varied children