Recalibrate: A New Measure for Family Ministry

By Ron Hunter Jr.

Are you seeking clarity in your vision for family ministry? Imagine bringing together fifteen ministry experts who have accumulated a wealth of experience and wisdom on that very topic. This book is the message from those experts revealing a clearer vision for the future of any ministry. Each chapter addresses a distinct area of church ministry, reveals current unhealthy norms, offers new norms, and most importantly provides ways to measure each area. It is vital to the future of your ministry to recalibrate to a healthy norm. Recalibrate will help ministry leaders reach that goal. All royalties from the sale of this work go to support D6 International.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Randall House
• Release date: Oct 29, 2019
• ISBN: 9781614841074

Ron Hunter Jr.

Ron Hunter Jr. is the Executive Director and CEO of Randall House, the publisher of D6 Curriculum, and serves as the D6 Conference Director. He regularly speaks at various conferences and consults for both ministry and business organizations. Ron has written over 50 articles for various magazines. He co-authored Toy Box Leadership, and contributed to Youth Ministry in the 21st Century Five Views. He is a graduate of Welch College and earned his MPA from the University of Colorado. He is a PhD candidate working on his dissertation in the Gary Cook School of Leadership at Dallas Baptist University. He married his college sweetheart, Pamela, and they have two kids in college: Michael and Lauren.

Book preview

Introduction

The definition of recalibrate is to adjust, shift, or bring in line with a standard. People recalibrate for the purpose of modifying, improving accuracy, reducing errors, and aligning more correctly. In John 13, Jesus helps Peter recalibrate his view of servant-leadership when stooping to wash Peter’s feet; Jesus would do it again when commanding Peter to feed my sheep after Peter’s denial. After Mt. Carmel, while facing an uncertain and depressing future, God asked Elijah to recalibrate and get back in the game. The two bookend passages of Malachi 4:6 and Luke 1:17 both refer to turning the hearts back, which certainly describes a recalibration. Finally, as God’s people entered the promised land, He told them in Deuteronomy 6 to recalibrate generational influences by teaching their kids in the daily moments of everyday life.

Some churches are new to family ministry while others have been at it for awhile. Common phrases today are, We are new… or How do we know if family ministry is working? Pastors cannot see instant results because developing worldviews and new habits can’t be purchased in a box or corrected in a six-week sermon series. Most pastors default to comparing how their churches measure up to others. For decades, maybe centuries, churches tracked attendance and offerings as the two primary metrics with little regard for spiritual health, discipleship, or reaching other generations. No wonder our churches are greying and slowly dying.

Today’s ministry leaders know what they want to accomplish and have ideas for growth goals. But many struggle to know if they are on the right track. How do you measure Deuteronomy 6, Ephesians 6, Psalm 78, and numerous other family ministry passages offering principles of generational discipleship? It’s easy to understand age specific ministries like children, youth, college, or adults. But contrast that with a non age-specific category like family ministry and you have very few good models from the last 3-4 decades. Unfamiliar ideas seem vague or just beyond our grasp. If not careful, when people cannot define something, measure, nor cast a clear vision for it, they stop trying to work toward such accomplishments. Recalibration offers clarity to family ministry in a vital look at the future of the church.

Clarity distinguishes people who daydream from those who know how to recalibrate and accomplish big goals. Unless you have a reliable way to measure goals, you can neither lament nor celebrate the journey. People respect what you inspect, but what are you inspecting? As ministry leaders perpetuate unhealthy norms that hurt outcomes, you will discover new discipleship norms that replace poor habits and you will see clear ways to measure that particular goal. Part of your immediate goals should be helping everyone in your congregation feel like part of the church family. Help each person, single or married, who is either a mom, dad, son, or daughter to see how family ministry embraces every part of a church family. Even if that person is a college student, divorced, no kids, or if they are a widow or elderly with no biological family in the church, every person has value as part of the family of God and can confidently minister to others (peers, younger, or older) with a family-like connection.

Fifteen authors joined forces to bring you this book project. Most authors wrote to the ministry leaders in the church while some wrote to parents or grandparents. To help you distinguish the difference, you will see small icons at the start of each chapter that either show a church (ministry leader) or home (parents and grandparents). Overwhelmingly, most church leaders have children, grown or still in the home. As a leader, you strive to model family ministry while teaching it, even imperfectly. You can see why writing to both audiences makes sense.

The authors represent the very best thought leaders on family ministry and each brings expertise in his or her area to help you adjust and measure for healthy outcomes. It’s time to stop asking how other churches are doing family ministry and ask, How should my church do family ministry? It’s time to recalibrate. Help your parents and grandparents see their role in a whole new light. Teach parents to truly connect on a deeper level with their kids. Empower volunteers and staff to think differently about events at church and the ways they carry over into everyday life. Examine how children’s, youth, and college ministry fits within family ministry while maintaining their distinctiveness. This book helps you see family ministry from 14 distinct areas of your church, enables you to spot unhealthy norms, offers new norms, and most importantly provides ways to measure each area.

Ron Hunter Jr., Ph.D.

Founder of D6

Co-Founder of the D6 Conference

Executive Director & CEO of Randall House

RECALIBRATE

the Big Picture

1

Creating a Discipleship Culture for the Family

Philip Nation

The word family brings varying images to mind. Some are joyful while others are painful. Family holds us together and sometimes it drives us mad. But no matter how we feel about family, it’s often the fountainhead for our spiritual condition.

My family history involves Christian parents who actively led my sister and me to faith in Christ. We were involved in church from my earliest memories. Mom and Dad were supportive when I felt called to full-time ministry and when my sister’s husband did the same. My wife Angie and I worked to create a disciple-making environment for our sons, Andrew and Chris. Congregational activities have been standard, and we introduced biblical learning intentionally throughout their childhood.

Seeing my boys become Christians and faithfully following Jesus has been our highest priority. But that is easier typed in a chapter than done. You and I both know that setting up a discipling culture in family life—for church leaders or members—is a constant struggle. But it is what we’re called to do; for ourselves and in the service of others.

Proverbs 6:23 (CSB) teaches, For a command is a lamp, teaching is a light, and corrective discipline is the way to life. Imagine discipleship as a way of life for the families of your church. Rather than the spiritual deterioration from selfishness, there is godliness. Rather than the assault of worldly wisdom, there is biblical thinking. Your leadership can bring about a gospel-focus that creates healthy family discipleship.

Your help to families will be like a doctor administering an immunization against disease. Healthy church leadership aids families in building resistance to spiritual illness. It recalibrates them from infection to good health.

The way forward is for you to do three things. First, you need to tell the truth about the spiritual condition in families today. Second, you need to offer practices that will develop a healthy disciple-making culture in the home. Finally, set reasonable measurements to know if families are embracing a discipling culture in the home. I am confident that you can recalibrate families to embrace a healthy disciple-making environment.

Current Unhealthy Norms

Too many families live with unhealthy spiritual patterns. One question you may ask is: Do they even know it? The answer is yes and no. Many operate blissfully unaware of it all. They float in and out of church programming with nods of affirmation regarding the importance of discipleship but they simply don’t realize their own role. Some are painfully aware that spiritual disorder plagues their homes. But no matter their level of understanding, the norm for families is living with spiritual diseases. To know what to do, first we must understand the issues. Let’s investigate a few common diseases.

Spiritual Absentia. Family members live with each other but meaningful relationships are missing. As the calendars fill up, parents move into survival mode. Children move into gratification mode. Everyone works for the good of their own emotions and relational chasms are formed. At the core, family members are absent.

The absence happens in all three realms of life. Physically, they are not in the same room very often. The round-robin tournament feel to the dinner table quietly announces that no one is ever actually together, except for the car rides to here and there. Emotionally, family members drift from each other or even build barriers against one another. Parents frustrated with their kids grow tired of being spurned. Kids, weary of nagging parents, shut down. People talk but don’t connect.

The worst part of all is the spiritual absenteeism. Parents don’t spiritually connect with their kids. Surface-tension religious conversations occur about what you learned in Sunday School or Did you have fun at church today? Parents hold their spiritual concern for kids as an almost secretive portion of their lives. Discipleship happens but not by anyone in the family. Instead, parents act as surrogates hoping the leaders of the church will disciple their children. But, as a leader, you cannot undo in three hours what the world does to that child or teenager for the remaining six days and 21 hours in each week. The Spiritual Absentia of parents creates a void that their grown child will have to fill in another season of life.

Hobbyism. The issues that actually create presence and conversation are the exercises invented to be diversions from the serious portions of life. The reversal of fortune on families’ attention is staggering. Rather than discipling kids on the issues of faith, families invest small fortunes and enormous time commitments to the tools of entertainment.

Rather than discipling one another to become dependent upon Christ, we create leeches of leisure. Kids are taught to excel academically, be proficient in the arts, enjoy a pastime, or master a sport so they will be happy adults.

Their schedule revolves around the next external activity that feeds the ego rather than humbling the spirit. The tools of our entertainment become the masters of family life. They are terrible masters that set faith-building to the side in favor of worldly pursuits. By surrendering family life to Hobbyism, parents disciple kids to believe that entertainment is the point of life. They create the worst kind of church attender—a consumer of religious goods and services rather than a servant of Christ and His mission.

Selective Subject Syndrome. Since families live under the same roof, they are forced to talk with one another. But the subject of those conversations is generally under the control of the parents. Selective Subject Syndrome allows parents to avoid difficult subjects. Reluctance takes the place of intentional discipleship because the issues of the day are awkward and embarrassing to navigate. Mom and Dad simply scoot by them to the easier discussions. In doing so, the family avoids the messy issues that would lead to a deeper walk with Jesus.

One reason for the existence of this disease is the limited time family members have with one another. Because of Hobbyism and overworked parents, conversation time has decreased significantly. Mornings are spent getting ready for the day’s packed schedule. Drive time is spent with everyone looking at a digital screen. Evenings are for doing homework and settling everyone into bed. The only hope is the weekend but it is consumed with extracurricular activities and the mythical down time hoped for by weary parents.

Rather than prioritizing conversations with our family members, our busy schedules squeeze out any relational time. With such short moments for actual dialogue, they opt for the shallow subjects that maintain a familial connection. Problems and secrets are tolerated in the hopes that we will get to them at the appropriate time. The changing social norms go undiscussed because there is not enough time to get into that right now. Every discussion that could lead to a deeper life of discipleship is postponed. Our talks are kept in check; and so is any spiritual growth.

Secularization. Families also allow worldly wisdom to guide decision making; especially for their youngsters. In the face of Selective Subject Syndrome, kids are left on their own to find answers. If you don’t provide a safety net of robust discipleship through church ministries, there is only one place left to get advice: the world.

Tragically, it is sometimes celebrated. When a family member takes time to think through a problem (job change, relationship, financial decision), conventional thinking is lauded as the answer. Bible study is seldom engaged when it should be the go-to source for wisdom. The disease starts in the thinking process and bears fruit in ungodly behavior. The world screams for the attention of undiscipled teenagers, and parents inadvertently teach kids to take the path of least resistance. The end result is that the sacred is sacrificed on the altar of selfish living.

Romanticism. Families dream of an easy life where the rainbows happen without the interruption of an actual storm. The Romanticism disease is the misplaced desire for life to be all about comfort and safety. Parents push for a real-life daydream to take hold of kids’ lives so hurts are avoided and heartbreak never visits.

The disease even has a religious form. Promises of a life of meaning are replaced with promises of happiness. Jesus is a sanctified Santa Claus who brings gifts to people who are good, or a Cosmic Traffic Cop tasked with keeping life moving with minimal fender-benders. Personal ease becomes the end goal of it all. When the mission of God requires sacrifice and the loss of comfort, Christ’s lordship is rejected because it involves difficulty. The false form of discipleship is more focused on the disciple than on the Lord of the disciple.

Before you can set a new standard, you must tell the truth about these unhealthy norms in family life. And, let’s be honest…you know these are the norms. They are not the rare outliers. These diseases are the default dispositions of defective discipleship. Though seemingly catastrophic, you can recalibrate families and ministry for effective disciple making.

Recalibrate to a New Norm

Unhealthy families float in and out of Bible study groups and worship services with no indications of real spiritual growth. Once you are willing to face the anemic condition they live in, you can cast a new vision for them to embrace. As their leader, you can recalibrate their thinking and behavior to a new norm.

The Pastoral Epistle of 2 Timothy gives deep insight into Paul’s disciple-making desires for Timothy and the church. Though it does not directly address family life, the letter does reveal a principle for your leadership in discipling families.

In 2 Timothy 2:2 (CSB), Paul wrote, "What you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, commit to faithful men who will be able to teach others also." Timothy was not to tackle the whole of Kingdom work on his own. Instead, he was to disciple others into healthy leaders who would in turn do the same for others. We are called to be disciples who make other disciples. You can set this as a powerful new norm for families. The spiritual work of a family is to raise disciple-making disciples that focus heart, soul, mind, and strength on loving God and living as Kingdom ambassadors.

The influences of the world and the flesh give them sinful skillfulness at relational disconnect and weak-willed behavior modification to create nice people. But isn’t the work of the church and discipleship in the family more than just raising courteous kids? Other religions, government, and even superhero movies can teach kids to be mannerly. Your work is to create a multiplying discipleship environment in the church and home. Here are some ways to set up the recalibration.

Tell a better story. Families live in survival mode. Problems in the world and tension in the home conspire to keep family members as friendly combatants with one another. Parents just want peace and quiet (with an emphasis on the quiet). Meanwhile, kids and teenagers treat the home like a catering service that shields them from the rigors of the world. But you can tell them a better story.

Each family in your church has been told a story by the world—and sometimes by congregational leaders—that just getting by in this crazy world is all it takes. Parents are told to raise their children to be mannerly Christians and everything will work out fine. Kids are told to mind their parents’ instructions and everything will work out fine. It’s as if leaders have handed a script for a living play to families and assigned their parts. The family members are doing their best to fill those roles but then… nothing works out fine. Not knowing what to do, they simply try harder at the roles they’ve been given.

You must tell a better story to the families under your leadership. They need an adjustment in their perception of one another. In perspective, they need to look at life through the lens of eternity. The old cliché is true: we need to stop using people and valuing things, and start valuing people and using things. You can teach leaders of the family to see one another as having eternal value. If they will view each other this way, a better story will be lived out.

The attitude adjustment and change of perspective recalibrates the story you tell of a family’s goal. You’re not in the business of therapeutic moralism. Church leaders are not helping parents with behavior modification for kids and students. Rather, we are living in God’s great story of redemption where everyone is seen through the mindset of how God makes an eternal impact in them and through them. Give parents and ministry leaders a better story to live in so they can carry out Gospel-focused ministry.

Stop raising children. Your work as a ministry leader is not to help parents raise children. We are preparing young people to follow Christ as Lord and then help others to do the same. You can shift your ministry life away from merely assisting parents in rearing well-mannered children to raising up disciple-making disciples.

You should be tired of the sayings, Kids are the church of tomorrow, and Students are the next world changers. These are both false. Kids and students are the disciples of today who can make a powerful impact in seeking revival in the church and spiritual awakening in the culture. Put your full weight into moving toward a disciple-making version of ministry leadership. In leading, you will always be called upon to help Mom and Dad (and all the others rearing children) to navigate difficulties in a boy’s behavior or a girl’s caustic attitude. But do so in view of how it creates disciples for Jesus; not polite and polished children for public display.

Recalibrate your ministry leadership to focus on children and teens as disciples that multiply rather than small humans to present as trophies for proper parenting. Children’s, student, and family ministry in your church can be the flashpoint where families finally get it. You can be the vanguard of disciple-making.

Change formations. All organizations operate with a formation. Businesses have organizational charts. Football teams have defensive and offensive schemes for players. Families have default behavior patterns for chores and relationships (sometimes in that order). Churches have budgets and calendars to accomplish goals. You can lead for something more.

Shift your ministry leadership and goals from a catering formation to an equipping formation. We have lived through decades of church life that served to cater to people’s perceived highest needs. Often, it was for religious entertainment of kids with movie nights or lock-ins for the teenagers. (I maintain that lock-ins were invented by Satan, but that is just one man’s opinion.) Churches that spend all of their energy catering to the entertainment wants and whims of minors are producing religious consumers for the next generations. At the same time,