The Magical Path of ACOA Recovery

By Vicki-ann Thornton

This is my quest for recovery from growing up with alcoholic parents. Family addiction recovery is a vast topic covering all aspects of our lives. So, in order to keep it simple, there are only five things you need to know about the book.

1. You can read it in about three hours
2. And to keep things time-friendly it's split into five quests
3. Further to this, each quest has its own tasks
4. In addition, you can put the new concepts into place with the easy to follow worksheets
5. Lastly and most importantly I will be with you every step of the way

• Language: English
• Publisher: Vicki-ann Thornton
• Release date: Nov 20, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393570912

Vicki-ann Thornton

My personal background is of third-generation addiction. Although I has begun the journey of resolution, understanding and forgiveness I have scars and an innate understanding of what it is like to be in the family of a practising addict. I continue to break the family rules of 'don't talk, don't trust and don't feel'. I have learned that life is better when she uses her voice. The action method we will be using for this book has changed my life - for the better!

Book preview

Table of Contents

FOREWORD

The Counterspell

Preface

Dedication

First Quest: Know the Spell Casters

See the Spell Casters

TASK I: Get to Know The Spell Casters

Use Your Power to Create a Counterspell

TASK II: Create a counterspell

Second Quest: Know How the Spell Causes You to Act

Recognise Old Roles

Mascot/Placater

Family Hero

The Scapegoat

The Lost Child

TASK I: Uncover your roles

Determine Your New Roles

TASK II: Discover your role cluster

Third Quest: Know What Drives You

Determine Your Values

TASK 1: Define your central organising factor

With Great Responsibility Comes Great Power

Ethical Imperatives

Christianity

Islam

Hinduism

Buddhism

TASK II: Determine your ethics

Your Personal Goals

TASK III: Set goals

Allowing Mutuality in Relationships

TASK IV: Define healthy relationships

TASK V: Belonging

Your Central Organising Factor

Fourth Quest: Rewriting the Rules

Awakening Feelings

Why do we have emotions?

TASK I: Learning to feel

Using Your Voice and Trusting

Task II: Create new rules

Boundaries and Rights

Fifth Quest: Putting the Violence to Rest

Seeing Violence for What it is

Your Brain

Your Behaviour

Witnessing Family Violence as a Child

Physical or Sexual Violence

Your Cultural Social Atom

You Can Repair

The Complete Counterspell

Putting it all Together

Afterword

Resources for spell casting

Reading List

References

FOREWORD

If you are reading this book, chances are you have had an ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) spell cast upon you. Not a spell of your own making, but one cast on you by another. This spell has caused you to think and act in ways that are different from others who have no spell upon them. The spell takes a different form with each person, but there are many similarities. You have known others in your life with worse spells upon them and told yourself see, I’m not so bad. You have tried and tried to live as someone with no spell, but the effects of the spell have crippled you. It makes you feel less than others. It makes you act in strange ways that you don’t want to. Maybe you are fearful of loud noises and shouting. Maybe you find that you need a clear exit in sight at all times. Maybe you’re selective and secretive, yet you want to know others’ secrets. Perhaps you cling to those who have knowledge you don’t.

You are so very tired of this wearying dance with life.

Within this book, the nature of the spell is uncovered in rich detail. You will see how the spell was cast. You will see the effects it’s had on you. You will also see the way to break the spell within these pages. You have been under the spell’s power for a long, long time, wanting to break free but not knowing how. I can show you. We can become spell breakers together.

The practice of Psychodrama has changed the way I experience the past, present, and how I dream about the future. It’s like magic. A spell-breaking abundance you can experience for yourself. Psychodrama allows you to be so many different things and see old situations in a whole new way. A core teaching of Psychodrama is Moreno’s theory of ‘spontaneity-creativity’[i], which posits that the best way for you to respond to a situation is through spontaneity. Use your creativity to imagine a new way of responding in the moment; you don’t need to be stuck with only one way to respond. Psychodrama gives you the opportunity to think about and practice new ways to respond to life. Not only this, you are able to have new endings to old situations.

Narrative Therapy is another modality in the therapeutic world. It focuses on creating helpful stories about yourself. Problems are not part of you; they have their own identity. You can draw on the strengths you already have to solve that problem that is interfering with your ability to get on with life.

Throughout this book, I refer to a couple of things you may not be familiar with. In New Zealand, we have the Maori legends of Taniwha (pronounced Tahneefa) – a mythical monster or protector of a body of water, some who would eat and kill or kidnap women. In this book I’ve used the word ‘Taniwha’ as a protector of alcohol. I’ve called the Taniwha ‘Waipiro’ (pronounced Wypeero), which means alcohol in Maori.

There are worksheets – magic counterspells – sprinkled throughout the book for you. Use them wisely, little one. Reflect on how the spell came about and the effects it has on you now. Use them to discover how you would like to change.

The Counterspell

AS THE SPELL WAS CAST, so you are going to counter it. The original spell took many years to weave its way into you and bind you in almost every area of your life. The counterspell will take many days to cast, even weeks or months. It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done. You will complete five quests, each with their own tasks. It will be painful at times, and you will cry many tears. But it will be worth every minute. We are going to use the powerful counterspell to set you free.

The first step of the counterspell is to uncover the nature of the original spell. You are going to see how you have unknowingly helped it become stronger. You are going to break through your denial and grieve your losses with love and compassion. You must purge the past to see the future.

The second step of the counterspell is to weave an unbreakable bridge between the past and the present. You may use this bridge at any time until you prefer to live in the present instead of the past. We will uncover how the spell has woven itself into your body and brain. How it has stopped time. How the spell casters have silenced you.

The third step is to strengthen your pillars of self; to challenge your core values and beliefs. You will learn to exchange old pillars that have become weak and no longer able to hold you, for new ones.

The final step of the counterspell is the most potent and the hardest to complete. You will nourish your self and solidify the counterspell with new rules, roles and values. You will have new ears and will learn to listen to yourself.

The Path Within the Book

In each chapter of this book is an aspect of the spell you may not have considered before. Each chapter also lights the way forward, using all four steps of the counterspell. We will uncover, bridge, strengthen, and self-nourish in all five quests.

In the first quest we will get to know the spell casters and change your relationship with them. Examining those who hurt you will give you the power to diminish the hold they have on you. They will become smaller and smaller until you see that they were only people after all. You do not need to love them or forgive them, or allow them to hurt you again. It is possible to understand them in the context of their world.

In the second quest, we are going to use the tasks and worksheets to uncover and rewrite our roles. In any family system we assume certain roles. These roles are a vital part of the spell. As each day goes by, we become more and more inhibited and wrapped up in the cloak of the spell. We will delve into the roles that kept you alive within the spell but aren’t working any longer. You will write new roles for yourself based on life beyond the spell, and practise them.

In the third quest, you will get to know yourself even more. You will discover what drives you, what your values are, and whether they are actually yours or part of the spell. Your predominant role plays a part in what drives you. So do your personal goals and your ideas about mutuality in relationships. Your place in your community is the final piece of the puzzle. You will then distill all this knowledge into a single statement, which will reveal your motivation for life. We are again going to use the four steps of uncover, bridge, strengthen, and self-nourish.

In the fourth quest, we uncover the unspoken rules in any family with an addiction. Don’t feel. Don’t talk. Don’t trust. We will see how these rules affected you as you were growing up, and how they affect you today. You will see how the spell has bound you. But don’t worry, we aren’t going to stay in that place. We are going to use the four steps to bring the counterspell into action. Uncover, bridge, strengthen, and self-nourish.

In the last quest you will see how we are hard wired to protect ourselves. You will learn how to tell the difference between actual and perceived danger. You will see how growing up with violence changes you and how the changes stay with you. You may have suffered violence, or inflicted violence, or both. You will learn a powerful way to repair the damage. Writing the counterspell of violence involves uncovering and bridging, strengthening and self-nourishing. 

Writing the Counterspell

The counterspell is strongest in written form. It doesn’t matter if you use a pen and paper or iPad. You need to clarify your thoughts and crystallise your feelings. You can use words, pictures or symbols; whatever is meaningful and powerful for you. This is your counterspell. You own it. Be aware that the original spell is woven into you. It’s that little voice saying ‘you don’t need to journal, it’s boring. What would you say anyway?’ When you hear this voice, it’s time to enact the counterspell by writing. Banish the spell and its effects. If you become immobile and frozen, use one of these magic questions:

What is the spell saying to me right now?

Whose voice is it using?

What would I say in reply?

What happened today that I can see the spell at work?

Am I being self-compassionate?

As you work through the steps of the counterspell, you will use this magic spell book often. You will complete difficult tasks using all of your will and strength. Use the worksheets in the book to guide you and provide encouragement. Your counterspell is very powerful; be sure to keep it secret. Only share it on your own terms. You are charged with its safety. You do not want this power to get into the wrong hands. That would be a disaster of epic proportions.

What This Book of Counterspells is Not

This book does not replace real life or real people. If you need to talk with a professional or join a group, do it. If you need to join an online community, do it. Do what you need to do. This book is a step, but it is not the answer.

The spell casters affected you. But that is not the end of the story. Today is a new day; things can be different. You have many strengths to call upon in this time of shifting sand. You have the power to write your own counterspell and change your life today.

Thanks so much, dear reader, for purchasing this book, may it bring you much love and peace.

Preface

Spellbound

When she was born, her mother, Leonie the Strong looked at her with love in her heart. The love spilled out into her eyes and was upon her face for all to see. Her father Kevin the Unsure, loved her also and showed his love by working hard, for that was all he knew. He worked day and night cooking food for the winged warriors to keep them strong. He wished to spend more time with his family, but felt easier in the presence of the warriors.

Naming day came. After much consideration, Leonie the Strong decided to call the little one Vicki-ann. A magical two-fold name that means ‘Strong one who can call upon her ancestors for protection’. All was well and Vicki-ann grew big and strong and was