20 Things I Know for Sure: Principles for Cultivating a Peaceful Life
By Karen Casey
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About this ebook
When Karen Casey chose to commit to a spiritual path, her direction in life changed. With a gentle and honest approach, she looks back at her personal experiences to help you make sense of your world and travel down your own spiritual path.
Life lessons are all around you. In twenty short chapters, Here, the bestselling author of Each Day a New Beginning shares words of wisdom about life, loss, and everything in between. Taking on universal themes she reveals what matters most about unconditional love, the importance of peace, and more. Inside, find inspirational life lessons like:
· Only through relationships can we heal
· You are right where you are meant to be
· If you share their journey, learn
“Casey shares the wisdom she has gathered over the course of her 40 years of membership in Alcoholics Anonymous in this perceptive exploration of how to create a happy and fulfilled life….This wise offering…will be a comfort to readers going through a 12-step program.”—Publishers Weekly
Karen Casey
Karen Casey has sold over 3 million books that draw upon meditations, motivations, and religion to guide and support women throughout the world. Based in Minneapolis since 1964, Casey is an elementary school teacher turned Ph.D. Casey published the first of twenty-eight books, Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women, with Hazelden Publishing in 1982. Casey has spoken to tens of thousands world-wide over her forty years as a writer. Through each new experience, her gratitude and commitment grow to continue doing what brings joy to her life. Additional notable works from Karen Casey include 52 Ways to Live the Course in Miracles: Cultivate a Simpler, Slower, More Love-Filled Life, Let Go Now: Embrace Detachment as a Path to Freedom, and A Life of My Own: Meditations on Hope and Acceptance.
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20 Things I Know for Sure - Karen Casey
INTRODUCTION
This book is the culmination of more than forty-three years in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon, and an equal number of years in search of a connected, peaceful way to live. It represents many years of recommitments to living just this one day, this one moment, just this one breath at a time. And I am still on the search, as a matter of fact.
I frequently wonder whether I would have tried to change the trajectory of my life if I had known where I was heading as a result of the decisions I was making as a young girl—decisions I continued to make long into adulthood. My choices were often extremely risky—some would even say dangerous. Living on the edge appealed to me. A treasured friend in the rooms
often said: If we aren't living on the edge, we are taking up too much space.
That always made me laugh and it was simply too true for me.
On most days, I believe pretty emphatically that where I have traveled was exactly where I was meant to travel. And yet, I'm seduced by the question: What if I had not . . . ?
Then I pass through any number of scenarios I might have sidestepped.
For instance, what if I had not mixed that coke with whiskey at age thirteen? Or given up my virginity at seventeen? What if I had not married my first husband? After all, I had near-daily data from the first date on that he got sloppy drunk every time he got near alcohol. But by then, I also drank too much. I watched him humiliate my family and himself on dozens of occasions. I could have walked away. Perhaps I should have walked away. But a glue held us together. Perhaps the same glue that holds any of us fast to the journey that is calling to us from the day we are born, even when that journey is fraught with pain, uncertainty, and danger. It's a glue we don't understand, but can't get free of.
Carolyn Myss, a spiritual intuitive I had the pleasure of hearing speak many years ago and whom I refer to in the following pages, says in her seminal book Sacred Contracts that we have all made agreements—contracts with each and every soul we meet on our journey—prior to arriving here, in this life.
These contracts tie us to a single lesson or set of lessons we agreed to learn and, even more important—perhaps—that we agreed to teach one another.
I like this explanation for how we ended up where we find ourselves in any moment that engages our attention. Take, for instance, this very moment, the moment in which you and I have actually crossed paths. We made an agreement. Long ago. I'm quite sure of it. And I'm comforted by it.
Myss' theory has taken the anguish out of all that has happened in my own life. All of it—the good and the harrowing. Moreover, it has taken the angst out of what I anticipate may be just around the corner. For there will be more lessons to be learned today, and around every next corner as well. We can put that thought in the bank and consider it the promise of this life.
In this book, I trace how the power of hindsight, coupled with maturity and recovery from addiction, has changed the way I feel about numerous significant signposts
along this path that has been mine—signposts that I have come to believe are the things I know for sure.
Life's meaning has changed for me. Quite significantly. What I experience now is dramatically different from how I experienced life as a child, as a young girl, and as a young adult woman. And the changes in my understanding of so many experiences over the last forty years utterly astound me. But I have distilled from my myriad experiences truths that simply claim me, calm me, and empower me. Truths that point my way forward every day. Truths I have felt compelled to share in numerous books over the last thirty-five years.
The individuals we encounter in life and all the accompanying lessons we learn have not come unbidden. Nary a single person is an accidental visitor on our paths. Discovering how specific experiences and key moments have contributed to what I now embrace as life's ever-evolving meaning thrills me.
Many of these experiences and key ideas will appear and reappear as you move through the chapters in this book. That's quite intentional. Certain ideas impacted my life so profoundly that I believe them worth repeating. In fact, my inner voice wouldn't allow me to mention them only once.
The impact of these ideas and experiences on my own life has also convinced me that my readers can benefit from this repetition. Hearing an idea only once—no matter how good that idea is—never left an indelible mark on me in my lifetime. I can only assume that the same may be true for you. So enjoy hearing my thoughts repeated throughout this book. The repetition will be telling you: Listen up. This is important. This will make your life more understandable. This idea will ease your journey.
I am thrilled that you have joined me through these pages. Our meeting is not accidental!
CHAPTER 1
Value Your Relationships
It's only within our relationships that we heal. This seems so obvious, doesn't it? In isolation, we are not faced with encounters of any kind, particularly those we deem unwanted. Living solitary lives seems safe. We feel protected, shielded. No one can hurt us. Many of us choose isolation all too often rather than confront the fear of being with others—any others. Even in instances when we have to cross paths with someone at work or on the street—even with acquaintances—many of us have developed clever ways to shield our vulnerability.
We can recognize this behavior in others as well. At times, it seems endemic. Perhaps social media has contributed to this ever-present condition. But we can't escape the truth that wounds—anyone's wounds—will not heal, cannot heal, unless we allow the balm
of the presence of others to touch us, to comfort us. The doorway to relationship must be opened. Initially, it may only be propped open, and that's okay. But, as we prop open our own doors, we show others how to prop open theirs as well. Seeing others dare to be open shows us what is possible.
When I review the first four decades of my life, even though I wasn't physically isolated from others, I now see that I never embraced relationships, of any kind, as the gift they were. I separated myself even while in the presence of others. I stood aside. I vehemently maintained my position apart—both by choice and by the feeling of exclusion.
Prior to my life as a recovering woman, whenever I was with or simply around someone else, it was always about getting something—generally something that would make me feel valued. Not so invisible. I always made this necessary trade-off in my mind. Always. It didn't even feel like a conscious decision. Do something for me and just perhaps I'll reciprocate.
It was simply the way I navigated through life.
I did this for so many years that it became second nature; it was me.
So I can all too easily recognize the signs when others are navigating through their own lives in much the same way. Scared, hurt people are always looking for signs of acceptance. And just as often, these scared, hurt people don't even recognize the signs because they (we) are so self-absorbed.
Is it strange that so many of us choose to live at arm's length from one another? I think not. Often, our families of origin didn't prepare us for healthy relationships. Using my own family as an example, there was constant tension between my parents that sowed tension throughout our household. We tiptoed around emotions that were always just under the surface, except when my dad's anger erupted. And this became a way of life.
Never seeing honest expressions of love and acceptance at home set the stage for me never knowing how to model that behavior. Actually, I'm embarrassed to say that, far into adulthood, I wasn't particularly conscious of the value of these expressions or of their necessity to the human community or to myself. We don't know what we don't know, and not seeing good role models makes an indelible mark on us.
But we can't continue this practice of always distancing ourselves, of withholding who we have a chance of becoming, if we want to grow, to mature emotionally, to find the joy coupled with love that is inherent in the many thousands of encounters that wear our names. And that's the all- important key: Our encounters with others wear our names. This is what being willing to shift how we see and then embrace all relationships—those that are significant as well as those that are fleeting—can offer us. This is where we need to fix our attention. It's within these experiences that we find our true purpose. And that purpose is now, and always has been, to heal and show others that they can heal too.
No Accidents
Any encounter you have wears your name. And your encounters are the next stepping stones of your life. Your opportunities for relationships—of all kinds, everywhere—result directly from the decisions you have previously made, even those decisions you likely do not remember. When you allow this realization to act as the backdrop for all your opportunities—with anyone, anywhere—you remove all fear from your daily plans. Everyone you ever meet shows up on time.
And your intersection is always perfect. Amen.
If only I had known this as a young woman. If you are fortunate, you may perhaps already share this view. And yet I believe, now, that we learn what we need to know at the perfect time in our evolution. And acquiring this information at any time, saves time. We need not be troubled about our journeys—how they meander, how we often stumble because of our confusion—if only we remember: Ah, yes, this truly is as it should be.
We will always get where we need to be. Always. We will always learn what we need to learn. Always. The time it takes isn't what matters. It's our willingness that matters.
This may seem like an oversimplification of our relationships. It's certainly not how I looked at them for the first forty years of my life. In fact, initially, even after realizing this central truth, I couldn't fully embrace it. Too many individuals came rushing into my mind who could not all have been necessary learning partners. Not really. Could they? The relative who sexually abused me? The colleague who introduced me to street drugs? The series of strangers who found their way into my bed at the height of my alcoholic madness? Indeed, now I know that they did all have their place in the tapestry I was instructed
to weave. And I am at peace with each episode, each thread of this tapestry. At peace, at last.
The good news is that the meaning of so many life