Hello Fabulous!

By Jason Tanamor

The Flamingo, the biggest openly gay event in the world, decides to move from its usual destination of Las Vegas to the lesser-known city of Moline, Illinois. The event features gay musical acts, clinics, and novelties, and is coming to Moline for the first time due to tax breaks and the fact that the mayor is the uncle of the one and only fabulous host, Spencer Gayman.

Randy Straight, a boring hetero, is continually mistaken for Gayman. This mistake begins to snowball, with the media believing that Gayman has hit the town well before the scheduled event to perhaps scout out restaurants, tour, shop, or all of the above.

Straight then sees his life go from "straight and boring" to "gay and FAB-you-LUSS" overnight. He begins to receive VIP treatment in the form of restaurant, hotel, and clothing comps. Not to mention the occasional hetero woman willing to turn Gayman straight.

Straight's super hetero friends, Peter Christman and Jack Dudemeister, begin to enjoy the perks of being in a celebrity entourage. They encourage Straight to play the part – 100%. That is until Gayman comes to town for real after hearing that his good, gay name has been tarnished by being seen in places like K-Mart. "Oh no he dih'nt!"

HELLO FABULOUS! is a hilarious gay friendly comedy about mistaken identity that results in a climax that determines the REAL fabulous one. Oh, and there's a giant flamingo, too!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jason Tanamor
• Release date: Apr 9, 2014
• ISBN: 9781393656968

Jason Tanamor

Jason Tanamor has 10 plus years of experience as an entertainment writer/interviewer for Yahoo!, the Moline Dispatch/Rock Island Argus, Cinema Blend, Celebrity Cafe, Strip Las Vegas Magazine, Pulse Magazine and Zoiks! Online. Tanamor has interviewed the likes of author Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club); comedians Demetri Martin, Jim Breuer (SNL, Half Baked), Aisha Tyler (Talk Soup, The Ghost Whisperer), Dane Cook, and Gabriel Iglesias; musicians Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins), Ann Wilson (Heart), Taylor Momsen (The Pretty Reckless and Gossip Girl), Chad Smith (Red Hot Chili Peppers), and Henry Rollins (Black Flag); and baseball legend Pete Rose. He has covered everyone from Steve Martin to Jerry Seinfeld and from Evanescence to President Obama. He also is the critically acclaimed author of the dark novels, "Anonymous" and "Drama Dolls," as well as the epic superhero themed children's book, "I Heart Superhero Kid."

Book preview

1.

The scene is set for this year’s Flamingo, the openly gay event that focuses on a positive attitude toward homosexuality. The location is a first for the star-studded affair – Moline, Illinois. Sources say that the fabulous host, Spencer Gayman, confirmed the location after receiving several tax breaks and the fact that the Mayor of Moline is an uncle of Gayman’s. The Flamingo is scheduled to be held in two weeks and it looks as if I’ll be heading to Moline, Illinois instead of its usual destination of Las Vegas. Back to you in the studio.

The reporter smiled until the camera cut to the anchors in the studio. Once the red light turned off, he lowered the microphone, and the producer grabbed it.

Can you believe that? the reporter said to his trusted cameraman, Bob, who began packing up his equipment. The husky man, whose beard was a mix of white and black hairs, chuckled at the comment without ever looking at the reporter. Bob had been a cameraman for years and a gay event moving to another city was hardly worth getting into a tizzy about.

Seriously, the reporter said, Moline, Illinois? Really? He shook his head and watched Bob ignore him. All the while the producer, standing a few feet away, was making phone calls to the station to find their next assignment.

Just because you get tax breaks and have a relative you take the entire event there? the reporter said. I mean, I have a relative in Vermont, can I drag you guys to Vermont?

The cameraman continued to pack his gear but this time he began to slow down for fear he may actually have to converse with the reporter. His memory drew back to when another reporter had rambled on and on about Taco Bell introducing a bacon flavored taco shell. Bob recalled that when he had started to pack his equipment into the van, the reporter had yelled, Bacon flavored shell? What’s next, a mayo flavored burrito? This conversation had led to a scuffle and the two were never assigned to work together again. Bob stopped packing because, frankly, he liked this certain reporter.

He stared at the reporter with a blank expression on his face.

The reporter waited for an answer but got nothing from the husky gentleman. He then looked toward his producer and saw that she was still talking on the phone. He turned to Bob once again and said, So, you wouldn’t mind if I took you to Vermont?

Again, there was no response, so finally the reporter said, Fine, let’s go to Vermont. Bob made a face, closed his camera case, picked it up, and looked at the reporter. His eyebrows lowered; he was dead silent. Ok, the reporter said, but you’re going to Moline, Illinois, if you can believe that.

Bob smiled and thought, Yeah, I like this reporter.

Every ambitious reporter gathered in the same spot to spew out the news to the masses. Since the event was called the Flamingo, news teams flocked to a twenty-five foot-tall, pink flamingo welded together from scrap metal that was positioned at the front of an old junkyard just off the outskirts of town. It had been colorfully abused with graffiti, and several times had been hit by cars and aluminum bats.

Once one reporter showed the giant visual on camera, every news team followed suit. The visual had been an accident. The reporter had been cruising down the Interstate and saw the giant flamingo standing bravely in the fog. He mistook it for the golden arches and thought that an Egg McMuffin would taste wonderful at this early hour. He was disappointed, but amused at the sight of a giant bird-like structure growing increasingly bigger and bigger the closer he got to it.

Now that every news team covering the event was bringing visibility to the junkyard, the owner was happy to oblige, so long as he was receiving free advertising. It never resulted in customers, but rather in an abundant supply of vacationers and travelers believing it was a McDonald’s, getting their photograph snapped with the flamingo. The owner even went to the trouble of making a sign that read, Get your photo with the famous flamingo. Twice the sign had been stolen, and on one occasion the wind blew it away. The owner looked at that as a figurative sign and never made a literal sign again.

Two teens attempted to steal the metal structure, but after several stabs at knocking it down, the reality of how impossible it would be to physically move it sank in and they stopped – for now. There are still scuffs around the right ankle of the flamingo to this day as proof of its invincibility.

Following the flamingo’s sudden explosion of notoriety online, the owner set up a Facebook fan page for the larger-than-life prop. Sadly, it had more likes than the junkyard’s actual page.

The producer wrapped up her phone call, joined her team, and the three left the location en route to their next assignment. A few steps down, another news team was broadcasting information about the event.

... and performances this year will be by Cocoa, 99 Slim Jims, The Leather Belt, Central Velocity, Raymond Ramiro, and Gay Man 5000.

This particular reporter stood in front of the flamingo’s knee cap and on camera it looked as if a giant pink rod of metal was protruding from her head.

And although this marks the first year the event will be outside of Las Vegas, it is sure to bring the same excitement as prior Flamingos. The camera zoomed in closer to the reporter’s face. The woman’s expression brightened up and her smile grew bigger. Her pearly whites filled her mouth and sparkled whenever the sun hit her just right. Once the shot was perfectly square on her face, the reporter said, I’m Maria Conchita Alvarez Conseulo Chi Chi Dominguez Johnson reporting live.

The camera went black.

The Flamingo began in 2000, shortly after the Y2K scare fizzled out and the reality hit that nobody’s computer, printer, or electronic device would either fail or come to life and kill them. Stephanie Bacon - who was coincidentally not six degrees of Kevin Bacon, but was the distant relative of Warren Burger, who served as President Nixon’s chief justice of the Supreme Court - started the Flamingo with one vision: to be the largest gay party in the world.

Every vendor, host, and performer would be gay or lesbian. Since its inception, the theme had stayed true. The musical numbers were the best openly gay acts from around the country, and the biggest homosexual food vendors and clothing designers in America peddled their products non-stop. One of the performances was by a local drag queen, and another Flamingo feature was an exhibit of art done by homosexual students from area schools.

One year the cast of Queer As Folk did some scenes from its hit show, and another year Ricky Martin showed everyone in attendance how he lived la vida loca. He shook his hips so much he nearly fell off the stage.

If you ever want to learn how to host the most fabulous dinner party, be sure to head down to this year’s Flamingo, a CNN news anchor said on television screens across the country.

While the reporter was reading the story on the teleprompter, the ticker underneath him was zipping through the day’s news.

Moline, Illinois, is on the border of Illinois and Iowa, and if you’re trying to find it on the map, just search for Will Ferrell’s beer commercials and you’ll be close, he said.

On the ticker, the headline read, A Recent Poll Suggests that Betty White is More Attractive than Katy Perry, Winning in a Landslide with 65,000 More Votes.

We have Cocoa, one of the musical acts performing at the Flamingo, live in his home studio. The camera went from the anchor to Cocoa, who was sitting in front of speakers and amplifiers. Then the shot became split-screened, showing the newsman and the singer side by side.

Welcome Cocoa, the reporter said. Thank you for joining us.

Thanks for having me, Cocoa said, his smile filled with white teeth and one gold crown. His large sunglasses were dark and his hair was bleached blonde.

Underneath the two men, on the ticker, the headline read, "Kristen Stewart Out in Public Eating Egg Rolls.