So Deep in My Feelings: A Hood Love Tale

By Myss Shan

What happens when the one guy you've always had a crush on just so happens to be your best friend's man? 

 

18- year old Cioni CiCi Lee was just your ordinary around the way girl. With a young mother for an example, Cioni was easily influenced by the neighborhood and things going on around her. Her and her best friends Ali, and Madden loved chilling on the stoop, attending house parties, and just doing the regular teenage things. Growing up in the hood with messed up parents was the one thing that brought them all together. Products of their environments, each girl is forced to figure their way through life, not every choice a good one. 

 

Even with their circumstances, Ali, Madden, and Cioni all have a bond that was always unbreakable, and nothing could and would ever come between them. Not even boys...well…

 

There was one boy... one who is now a man and the man in the streets—Knowledge. Cioni had always had her eyes on him, but Madden was always the bold one and had eventually scored him first. Cioni was always the one that was overlooked due to her shy girl ways and not knowing her beauty and worth. She was always in last place, but what she doesn't know was that she was actually the hood's gem.

 

Knowledge "Ledge" Armstrong; at an early age always knew that he was a king. With his brother Wisdom Wiz" Armstrong and cousin Major Armstrong by his side, the heroin game was readily theirs for the taking. With a knack for hustling and swagger out of this world, Ledge manages to move him and his family out of the hood, eventually bringing his girlfriend Madden along all off the strength of his hustle. Life is sweet, and then life has its problems especially when money is involved. 

 

Soon, Ledge  quickly realizes that the girl he picked out the crowd was the wrong one and now has his eyes set on Cioni. With Cioni refusing to break the girl code, Ledge stops at nothing to have her. It doesn't take long before he has her so deep in her feelings, and unable to escape them. With the two of them having love, and optimism nothing could come between them, right? But when reality of their consequences are brought to the light, will it be enough to break them apart?

 

Ali Morris was dealt a bad hand like a lot of kids around the way. Her mother a junkie, and her father absent, Ali only knew to get it by any means necessary. Her  by any means necessary lands her in a predicament that ultimately has her back against the wall. Forced to make a decision to choose her life or HIS, she definitely chooses hers. Choosing her life sent her spiraling out of control with only one thing that could save her…love. Love from Wisdom comes at just right the time, but will it be enough to keep her from going down a path of destruction. 

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shan
• Release date: Jul 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393935551

Myss Shan

Shan, born in Louisiana but raised in Dallas, Texas is a 33 year old mother, national bestselling author, and co-owner to one of the top African American Independent Publishing companies, Shan Presents.  She found the love of writing in elementary school when she picked up a journal and started writing stories to hide the pain she felt from her family life. Writing had become an everyday thing for her and she quickly found that it was what she was born to do.  In 2011, she finally got the nerve to publish her first book giving the readers a hot urban fiction drama named Rozalyn that instantly became a bestseller.  In 2012, Shan signed on with SBR Publications, becoming the first lady of what had become one of the biggest publishing companies in the African American Literature. She released her first book with SBR titled Hated by Many, Loved by None and went on to sale thousands of copies that led her to being ranked 164 in the world. For that same title, Shan earned the award of Urban Fiction Book of the Year from AAMBC, and has since then published many more titles with SBR publications.  Shan has so much more in store for readers and also plans to crossover into children's books, acting and directing movies. She is working on her first movie that is derived from her bestselling novel Hated By Many, loved by None. Through her movies, and through others she is now be able to live out her dream of acting. 

Book preview

Copyright 2018 by Shantoinette Richardson

Published by Shan

All rights reserved

www.iammyssshan.com

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales or, is entirely coincidental.

No portion of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without writer permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Foreword

Note to Readers

I updated this to include a note to the readers because I see some of the content is confusing some readers.

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Just to be clear, I try my best to write about real life situations and bring forth attention to things that I feel that people either ignore or just don’t care about.

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In this particular book, you will read about a thing such as colorism or what people will call a colorist. Me as a dark skinned woman have experienced a lot of it, so why not talk about it?

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However to be clear, I do not feel that one skin tone is better than the other. I feel like the fact that as black people and we have a different shades of that black is absolutely amazing. I wish the whole black race would get this.

However since it is still a problem in 2019, I chose to write about things that I experience as a dark skinned woman, and things that my light-skinned friends go through.

If you have read any of my books, you will see that I have shades of all women, men, as well as shapes and sizes. That’s always and will always be.

Not only that you will read about drug issues that have migrated to other communities such as the suburban communities and how it’s a problem now, but never was when crack penetrated the black communities.

Not to go on and on, but just know the things I write about might come off as dumb or as a wow factor, but just know that most of it is purposely done to either educate, bring awareness to issues, or to even just start a conversation. My intentions are to never offend anyone.

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Thanks

Myss Shan

Soundtrack

So Deep In My Feelings Soundtrack

Track 1: Last Time-Trey Songz

Track 2: Dreams and Nightmares: Meek Mill

Track 3: Tired-Kelly Price

Track 4: Period-City Girls

Track 5: The River-Lyfe Jennings

Track 6: Robbed-Gucci Mane

Track 7: Survivor-Destiny’s Child

Track 8: Ghetto Song-Akon

Track 9: Turn On the Lights-Future

Track 10: Double Up-Nipsey Hussle

Track 11: Broken Clocks-Sza

Track 12: Betrayal- Yo Gotti

Track 13: Lotus Flower Bomb-Wale

Track 14: Crush on You-Lil Kim ft Lil Cease

Track 15: Here-Alessia Cara

Track 16: So Sick-Neyo

Track 17: Call Out My Name-The Weeknd

Track 18: Close Friends-Lil Baby

Track 19: Heartless- Moneybagg Yo

Track 20: Diary: Alicia Keys

Track 21: I Should’ve Cheated-Keyshia Cole

Track 22: Bust Your Windows-Jazmine Sullivan

Track 23: Every Season-Roddy Ricch

Track 24 Percocet- Future

Track 25 I Lied-Nicki Minaj

Track 26 Leaked-Lil Baby

Track 27 Chasing Pavements-Adele

Track 28: All By my Lonely- Lil Keed

Track 29: Jhene Aiko - Never Call Me

Track 30 Girlfight-Brooke Valentine

Track 31: Marvin’s Room-Drake

Track 32 A Mother’s Prayer- K Michelle

Track 34 On the Run-Beyonce Ft. Jay Z

Track 35 My First Love-Avant

Track 36 Wonder Why-YFN Lucci

Track 37: Dark Side of the Moon-Lil Wayne ft Nicki Minaj

Chapter One

Track 1

Last Time-Trey Songz

---

I’m living two different lives,

one girl in the day, you at night.

And even though this ain’t right.

I just can’t get nough of the way you put it down.

You really got me trippin’, hold up baby girl don’t talk, just listen.

Let’s just make love, girl for the last time.

BAM!

Ishot up in bed and looked around the pitch-black room before taking in a deep breath and letting it all out. I was suddenly stuck with wondering if the noise I had heard was part of a dream or part of my reality. Looking at the clock that sat on the nightstand, I could see that it was almost three in the morning.

The air in the tight space of my bedroom felt like it was suffocating as I took my hand and began to fan myself. It was always so hot in this damn house, which made it hard for me to sleep most nights. My mama was too damn cheap to allow the A/C to run, claiming that it caused the electric bill to be too high. Because of that, we had a box fan in every corner of the room in this tiny house, but it did nothing for this Georgia heat.

My body was soaked with sweat, forcing my three-year-old sister Ashanti to practically be glued to my arms as I held onto her. This was how we slept every night; in a small ass twin bed, under the bunk of my little sister Precious while my other little sister Essence slept on a twin bed across from us.

Sitting Ashanti gently on the mattress, I climbed to my feet and then yawned while stretching my lanky arms out. I ran my hands through my short, curly hair, and looked down at my baby. Her little spoiled self had begun to shuffle around, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before she came looking for me. That little girl couldn’t function for five minutes without me being around.

One would think that I had pushed her out my pussy myself as much as I had her with me, but nah, she was just one of many of my mama’s kids. The thought of it caused me to roll my eyes and shake my head.

Coughing as lightly as I could, I tried to free the crackling in my dry ass throat before heading towards the kitchen so that I could get me something to drink. Light shuffles and low voices could be heard the moment I stepped into the hallway, and it didn’t take much for me to recognize Self’s voice.

Once I made it down toward the living room, I shook my head seeing him and my mama standing there as she surveyed something on his arm. Self’s fine ass was covered with his own sweat looking like he had gone to war in these streets—and knowing him, he had. Only the war he chose to fight wasn’t one that I could ever respect. He was a robber, a thief, a jackboy, a stick-up kid—shit whatever you wanted to call him. The nigga and his three-man crew, The SkiMask Boys, took people’s hard-earned shit and, as much as I hated it, I loved the hell out of Self.

We had been together for three years now, since I was just fourteen years old and he was sixteen. I knew I had no business being with boys at that age, and my mama had somewhat tried to stop it, which Self had found his way around. He realized how money hungry she was and how she would throw away all morals for a few bucks and had used that to his advantage.

Ever since then, she had been in Self’s pockets and he never seemed to care as long as it didn’t come between us. She allowed him to suck and fuck on me as much as he wanted just as long as it kept her pockets fed. It was sad, but it was my truth.

You would think after my mama had me at such an early age, I would be afraid of fucking and just kept my legs closed, but she really had only made me afraid of having kids. I made sure I made it to the clinic on time every 90 days just to get my Depo-Shot.

I had been taking care of children that were not mine since I had been old enough to change a diaper. Outside of me, there were four others. My fifteen-year-old brother Lucky, twelve-year-old sister Essence, eight-year-old Precious and then little Ashanti. Lucky and I had the same father, but the rest had their own, and none of them niggas was in the picture.

My mama was only thirty-one years old, and muh’fuckas that knew us often called me the mother and her the daughter. All she did was chase her next baby daddy, while leaving me to be the head of the household. Everyone knew that Cioni or CiCi for short was gonna hold it down for hers.

I was tired—I mean like my soul was exhausted, but it wasn’t much that I could do about it. All I knew was this project life and fucked up circumstances. My mama ain’t push me for shit. She only cared about getting dick and funds and could care less what I did with my life as long as it didn’t affect hers.

This nigga done got himself shot, CiCi, my mother Porshala said as she glared at me and then went back to concentrating on Self’s arm.

Suddenly seeing the blood that gushed from his body, caused my heart to drop. I rushed over to where the two of them stood and damn near pushed my mama to the floor as I tried to see what was going on. I didn’t even know what I was looking at but seeing all the blood and what looked like Self’s meat made my stomach churn. My heart sped up as I looked up into his eyes and the thought of losing him tugged at me. Niggas was out here dying every day, and I often thought about what I would do if Self ended up getting murked on me.

Damn…careful, CiCi. Shit is just a flesh wound. I keep telling mama that shit, but she wanna press a nigga, Self informed me. His voice didn’t hold an ounce of pain, which made me calm down a little. I’m straight. A nigga caught me slipping, but it ain’t shit a few band-aids and a couple of Percs won’t fix.

What you mean it ain’t shit? You got blood dripping all over this dingy ass carpet, I told him, frowning as I looked from his wound and back up at him. He smiled at me, showcasing the bottom grill that he’d just recently gotten after he robbed some dopeboy of his cash a few weeks back.

Here…put this around it to stop the bleeding, my mama told him, and I shook my head seeing she really had gotten some band-aids for him.

I watched as my mama patched him up, and then I suddenly surveyed his body, making sure that this was the only thing that was wrong with him. Self’s tall ass was just so damn fine. His entire body and parts of his face was covered in tattoos. He was the ultimate street nigga that got it out the mud, whether you liked his choice of hustle or not. He stood at 6’1, peanut butter, brown skin and had muscles everywhere that they were needed. The dreads that he had grown out years before I knew him, stayed neatly braided thanks to me for keeping them up for him.

He stayed dressed in some fly ass gear and kept both front pockets filled with cash. I loved this nigga so much that all I did was stare at him whenever he was in my presence, which was why I knew the hickey he had on his collar bone wasn’t there the last time I had seen him.

I drew my hand back and slapped the fuck out of Self causing both him and mama’s mouth to drop. Before I could even react, Self wrapped his hand around my throat and shoved me back. I bounced back fast, balled my fist up, and punched him hard as hell where the bullet had grazed him. Tears welled in his eyes, and I quickly ran towards the kitchen before Self could reach me, and grabbed the first knife I could get my hands on. I turned around ready to slice him the fuck up when he threw his hands out in surrender and backed away from me.

You got it… he said, as I grimaced while looking him over.

CiCi, put that damn knife down! Your ass gets crazier and crazier by the day! my mama told me, and I scoffed and rolled my eyes at her.

Stay out of it, mama! Tired of this nigga cheating on me! I screamed; pain evident in my voice.

Ain’t nobody cheated on your ass man. You always coming at me with that dumb shit, Self lied, and I took in a harsh breath and shook my head as I tried to keep the tears from falling.

Nigga, don’t lie to me! You got a hickey right there on your fucking collar bone and I know for a fact I ain’t put that shit there. I ain’t seen you in three damn days, but now I see why. Yo’ get your shit and get the fuck outta here! I yelled at him.

CiCi, calm your ass down. You always getting worked up when you know you gonna have his dick in your mouth later, making it up to him, my mama stated, and I frowned at her.

What kinda mama said shit like that to her seventeen-year-old daughter? This lady was fuckin’ pathetic man. All she cared about was herself. It was clear as the day that he was out there dogging me out and she wanted to tell me to calm down and to make it up to him for something he did to me? What?

Nah…I ain’t putting his dirty dick in my mouth. Bye, Self. You not about to keep playing with me, nigga, I spat, feeling real gangsta and like I might really cut his ass up right about now.

My feelings was very hurt. Three years of the same shit and not once had I ever done him like he had me. I had to fight so many bitches behind this nigga that nobody in the hood liked me, besides my two best friends. Not to mention, I got a bad rep based off the fact that I dealt with a nigga that robbed for a living. He made me look so stupid, and no matter how much I loved him, I wasn’t too young to know this wasn’t right. I deserved so much better than what him and my trifling ass mama gave me.

Ci—

Mama, shut the fuck up talking to me! You know what I go through with this nigga. You know better than anyone! I screamed at her, my voice shaking so bad.

CiCi, he young, but he a good man. You know how many bitches want you to drop him so they can have him?

No…do y’all know how many niggas want me to drop him, so they can have me? Even niggas from his whack ass crew, I uttered, looking from my mama and then at Self as I sucked my teeth. I watched as the muscles in his neck flexed, knowing that what I had said pissed him off. I decided to make it worse. Yea, nigga, Prince already told me holla at him when you drop the ball.

Before I knew it, Self rushed me. He tackled me so hard that me and the knife I held onto went flying to the floor. I screamed from the pain I felt from Self’s large body falling on top of me. I squirmed beneath him, trying my hardest to fight him, but I was only a fraction of what he was.

Get off of me! Self, move! I grunted with all my might.

Get off of her, nigga! my brother Lucky’s deep voice echoed through the apartment. All I could do was shake my head as tears suddenly slid down my face.

See, now you gon’ have me and your brother in this bitch fighting again ‘cause you wanna act stupid, Self said into my ear.

Go back to your room, Lucky, mama told him, and I could hear him scoff loudly.

I ain’t doing shit until this nigga get the fuck off my sister, Lucky belted, and slowly, Self started to climb off of me.

The moment I had a little leeway, I tried to go for the knife, only to be snatched up by my hair. Self’s grip was so tight as he forced me onto my feet and towards my bedroom. By now, the whole house was up. Little Ashanti stood in the doorway, and I could immediately see that she was terrified. She stood there with tiny tears in her eyes while Precious and Essence looked on irritated that we had awakened them.

Aye, let her go, Self, Lucky barked, and I could tell that he was coming after us.

Fuck I tell you about your mouth?! Don’t you ever play with me like that! Got these niggas out here gassing you! You know I’ll fuck you and that nigga up! Self pushed me fast and hard into my bedroom and quickly closed and locked the door behind us.

I tried to get away from him, but my strength was no match for his. He shoved me down on the tiny twin bed, and quickly straddled himself on top of me. His light brown eyes stared down at me while he used his knees to force my legs open.

Open the door! Open this muh’fucka before I tear it down! Lucky yelled causing Self to grimace.

You better tell that lil’ nigga to stand down, CiCi. I will fuck him up and you know it. Tell him to go sit his little ass down somewhere.

I ain’t telling him shit, I refused, trying to get my hands away from Self.

Bet… I watched as Self took one hand away from me and reached for his gun. I used that moment to slap his ass again, mad at the audacity that he would even insinuate that he would shoot my little brother. You better say something, he grunted.

Lucky…I’m okay! I’ll be out in a minute, I forced out, and knew that it wasn’t going to work.

Lucky was protective. He was the only boy of four girls and forced himself to become a man at an early age. He hated for anyone to fuck with us, and too many times, he and Self had bumped heads behind me. Lucky hated Self, and on the strength of me, Self was always patient with him knowing he was just looking after his sister.

Lucky, I promise, I’m okay. Just get the girls and get them situated and I’mma be out in a minute, I assured him.

Arrghhhh! Lucky yelled out before slamming his fist into the door.

Why you gotta play with me like this, huh? You know how I feel about you, Cioni. Stop making shit hard man, Self told me before he kissed my lips.

Angrily, I shook my head from left to right letting him know I wasn’t with his shit. We had gone through this mess so many times and I was just tired of it. I wanted so bad for my mama to tell me that it was going to be alright and that there was better out there for all of us, but I knew she never would. She was okay with me being the dumb bitch of a hustler because it benefited her in so many ways.

The moment Self came around, my mama no longer had to work. We were already on Section 8, got food-stamps, and had minimal bills. My mama got to live the good life, all hood rich, and it seemed like it was all at my expense.

Baby, look at me. You know you mine forever, right? I fuck up from time to time, but ain’t no bitch out here got my heart but you and that’s on bro. I love you too much to let you leave me. You need to gon’ let me put a baby in you and stop with that dumb shit.

I’m not tryna have no kid with you. You got me fucked up, I protested, and his annoying ass chuckled.

"Nah, you got me fucked up. Your birthday right around the corner and you already know what that means. Don’t act like we ain’t been talking about this shit for years. Your ass getting the fuck up outta here and soon as you move in, you won’t be going back to get that shot. I’m shooting your shit up every day until you pregnant with my seed."

I’m done with you, Syed, I promised, calling him by his real name. I’m tired of you hurting me, bro. You always say the last time gon’ be the last time, and I’m starting to realize that it never will be. I would never hurt you like you do me.

Babbbby, Self dragged, and suddenly reached under my gown and pulled my panties to the side. He slid inside of me so fast that I couldn’t even stop him if I had tried. Tears spilled down my cheeks, hating that I was making this so easy for him. Stop that shit. You know I hate to see you cry, bae.

Well, stop fucking hurting me then, I cried, planting my hands into Self’s chest to keep him from going so deep.

Fuck…damn your shit so wet. Open them legs up bae and let daddy in, Self ordered before he collapsed onto me and buried his face into my neck to stifle his moans. I love your ass so fuckin’ much. Shit. I promise you we gon’ get this right. I’mma take us out the hood, put you and my kids up in a nice ass house, and take care of you, and mama them for the rest of y’all life. All you gotta do is hold a nigga down and stop fighting me. Promise you them tears ain’t gon’ last too much longer.

I didn’t even say anything and just allowed him to stroke my pain away like he always did. He knew just what to say and do to have me right where he wanted me. Self knew how much I hated my life and wanted better for myself and my siblings. Whether he would make good on his promises was a mystery, but for now, it was all the hope I had to hold onto.

Later that day…

---

We were only two weeks into the summer, and I swear the hood was already popping. The heat seemed to reach levels I never thought possible as each day went on. I always said that the hotter it got, the crazier these niggas behaved, and I knew without a doubt this was going to be one crazy ass summer. Especially, where I lived in da Bluff.

I had lived in this hood my whole life and really didn’t fuck around too much in the city of Atlanta unless I was visiting my grandma. Because of Self, I had to be careful about who I dealt with and tried to keep my circle as small as possible. My girls, Ali and Madden, were ride or dies and neither of us ventured out and dealt with these other bitches much.

What’s wrong with your ass? Madden asked as she shoved a blunt in my face and stood up from the porch.

Nothing… I nonchalantly answered before taking the weed from her.

Shit, I can’t tell hoe. Looking like somebody done took your man, she said, and I shrugged while glaring at Madden’s fat ass.

Girllllll, what that nigga do nowwww, Madden dragged while going through her purse and coming back out with some lip gloss. She put a coating over her thick lips and then shook her head. Just leave that nigga alone and get you one of these bosses out here. It’s not like you ain’t got the looks. Bitch, you know everyone is saying you look like a darker version of Jada Pinkett in her younger days ever since you cut your hair off. You know that bitch is bad and always have been, so are you friend!

Yea, well, I’m definitely not as bad as you, I told Madden, truthfully, as I ran my eyes over her from head to toe.

Madden was only thirteen months older than me, and already had the body of a twenty-five-year-old. We had all been friends ever since the fourth grade and she had always been in the thick department. Having titties and a little ass before all of us kept the boys on her and the girls green with envy, myself included. Not to mention, she had pretty brown skin, deep dimples like Lauren London and always dressed nice as fuck.

Madden had so much confidence, which only added to her aura. She was the life of every conversation, and every hood nigga’s dream. Her double D titties, small waist, thick thighs and fat ass could score her a young, rich, nigga, but like me, Madden loved her a young ghetto thug for whatever reason.

Girl, don’t even get her started. It took me an hour to get her ass to stop crying this morning, Ali butted in, and I glared back at her and rolled my eyes. I took a puff of the weed and then handed it to her. Her pretty, yellow colored skin glistened as rays of sunlight hit her face. Ok, more like thirty minutes, but shit it felt like an hour.

Oh, he done cheated again, huh? Madden questioned, and I only nodded before rolling my eyes again. What’s new bitch? Fuck you crying for? You ain’t gonna do shit but be right back with the nigga allowing him to fuck you into comas while he claims he sorry. But shit you know what this meannnnsssss sis, we get to go shoppinggggg… off another nigga’s dime.

You ain’t right, Ali chuckled, and I shot Madden the finger.

Bitch, fuck you, you sound just like my mama, I sighed, defeated.

Shit, it’s the truth, Madden concurred, and my eyes shot to the parking lot once a red G-Wagon pulled into the lot ahead of us.

The bass from the speakers shook the rails of the stairwell we sat on while we all stared on trying to see who it was. It wasn’t out of the ordinary to see expensive cars around here. Nine out of ten, it was stolen and one of these dumb ass jits was just tryna flex for a second.

Oh, that’s Knowledge. Heard he had a new whip, Ali commented, before choking on the weed.

Ohhhhh, I said intrigued while staring hard as shit.

Knowledge, or Ledge as he was called in the streets stepped out of the G-Wagon and hiked his pants up a couple of inches before he walked off towards a house that was right next door to mine. My eyes never left him as I examined every step he took with poise and confidence. If there was anyone finer than Self, it was Knowledge. He was about the same height, a yellow boy, that stayed dripped out, and was way more paid. I had been crushing on him since I was a little girl. Had countless dreams, fantasies, wishes, and jealous tantrums all in his honor while he ignored me and treated me as if I didn’t even exist. Him always looking over me was why I settled for Self.

The nigga Knowledge was so cocky and knew without doubt that he was the shit. His rude demeanor did nothing to turn me off from him, though. Although I knew that I would never have him, it never stopped me from lusting and dreaming. Knowledge, his brother Wisdom, and cousin Major were hood celebrities and had gave a lot of us around these parts hope. They were a part of the gang that meant a lot to our culture. They were bloods, and although they weren’t heavy on that gang shit, like beefing and killing one another, they were well connected in it. It was more like a family for them more than it was a gang. A lot of us really looked up to them. They’d made it out the hood that most of us were dying and fighting to get out of. If they could do it, then I knew any of us could.

Aye, Madden, come here, Knowledge called out once he exited the house he’d gone to and headed back to his car that he’d left running.

Be right back y’all, Madden cheesed before switching her hips from side to side.

Damnnnnn…he is so fine, I told Ali and she snickered.

Girl, I don’t know who you love more, him or Self’s ass, she said, and I chuckled.

Right now, Knowledge, he could get… I started, but my words caught me when I watched Knowledge snatch Madden up and wrap his arms around her. He slid his tongue down her throat while crushing my heart at the same moment. Should’ve known.

Yea, me, too, Ali commented. Don’t sweat it, best friend.

Oh, definitely not, I uttered, and swallowed back hurt and embarrassment. Can’t be mad about a nigga that was never mine.

Lorrrdddddd, Madden dragged as she made her way back over to us. Don’t be mad at me y’all, but…

What’s that all about? I asked, unable to help my curiosity and jealousness.

Oh, me and Knowledge been talking for about five months now. We only letting it be known now since things getting real serious with us, Madden said like it was just that simple.

Damn…five months? Thought at least me and Ali would’ve known four months ago, you know? I told her, and she shrugged.

Bitch, I ain’t gotta tell you every move I make! Not like you tell me shit anyway. If I don’t hear it from Ali, I would never know most times, Madden stated, bitterly.

Bitch you a lie. I don’t talk to you about my problems with Self cause you act like my mama and I hate it, I let her know and again she shrugged.

Well…I didn’t feel like I should tell you about Knowledge unless I knew we was gon’ be together for real. I know he was your crush back in school and shit…and…

And nothing… I cut her off and bolted to my feet while crossing my arms over my chest.

Bro…why you getting up like you wanna fight me? Madden looked confused as she pointed at herself. I’mma get up with y’all later. He wants me to ride with him, so we can get food after his meeting. We’ll talk later, CiCi. You know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, right? It just happened…and now, we in love. Be happy for me. You got Self, so… like damn.

Righhttttt…bet, was all I said before Madden walked off.

Girl, I don’t even know why you even surprised. To be honest, that bitch don’t even like Knowledge. She only talking to him because she feels like you took Self from her. Any smart person would see it’s payback. Y’all friendship is so weird. Ughhhhh, Ali spat like she was disgusted, and I turned to her and frowned.

Fuck you mean, I took Self from her? Self was never hers and the bitch never said nothing to me about liking him. That bitch can have his trifling ass, I fussed, and Ali’s cheeks reddened as she shrugged.

Tuh, don’t tell her that. She says that she liked him before you did, but truthfully, I don’t think she was really paying him any mind until over the last year. She sees he out here getting it and her ass just jealous of you, like always.

Jealous of me? Ali, whatever. You always talking dumb, I said and paused.

Ali sat there staring at me like I was stupid or something. She was the weird one out of all of us. I guess that was because she always kept her nose in a book, didn’t say too much, and really never was seen in the hood unless she was with me or Madden. When we wanted to hang, we had to come near her crib, because she didn’t like to step too far away from home.

Ali was the type of girl that shied away from everyone. It was like she was insecure or felt like she wasn’t good enough when she was. She was a cute little light skinned chick with deep dimples, thick lips, and light brown eyes. Her only problem was that she never did nothing to her hair and always kept it in a messy bun. She was always trying to hide her body when shawty really was a bad one, to me even badder than Madden. She had wide hips to only be seventeen, and a little ass, but she covered it so much with big clothes that no one could ever tell.

But wait, you saying she likes Self...like for real? I questioned, suddenly realizing what Ali had said. I didn’t want to believe her, but when she nodded, all I could wonder was since when?

Chapter Two

Track 2

Dreams and Nightmares: Meek Mill

---

I used to pray for times like this, to rhyme like this.

So I had to grind like that to shine like this

And the amount of time I spent on some locked up shit

In the back of the paddy wagon, cuffs locked on wrists

Seen my dreams unfold, nightmares come true.

It was time to marry the game and I said, Yea, I do

---

Stopping off in the hood always made me feel some type of way. Just being in the trenches again had a way of humbling a jit, so I made sure to fall through often. Growing up in the gutta forced me to get it out the mud. This ghetto life wasn’t for nobody. These streets were dirty and if you wasn’t too careful, you would end up kissing the pavement.

There was no way I could just accept my circumstances, though. I felt like I had done that enough coming up. Where I was from, it was you either joined the gangs or got your ass fucked up by the gangs. My Pops and Uncle were heavy in it in Da Bluff back when they were coming up too, so it felt like we inherited and had no other choice but to get down. I wasn’t knocking my gang, and definitely wouldn’t change it. My bloods were my family. We

Reviews for So Deep in My Feelings

[Tiara Strickland · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Loved this book read it in one day i have a love hate relationship with self and ledge when it comes to cici cause they both loved her and they both messed up just felt like we didn’t give self enough time to get it right like we did ledge