Social Etiquette & Manners

By Mutea Rukwaru

What is etiquette? Etiquette is the set of conventional rules of personal behaviour in polite society, usually in the form of an ethical code that delineates the expected and accepted social behaviours that accord with the conventions and norms observed by a society, a social class or a social group. Etiquette is a French word which literary signify a tag or label, and was used in a modern sense around 1750. Etiquette is behaviour that assists survival and has changed and evolved over time. Etiquette can also be defined as a set of rules dealing with exterior form.

Etiquette, the complex network of rules that govern good behaviour and our social interactions is always evolving and changing as society changes. Without etiquette, members of society would show far too much impatience and disrespect for one another, which would lead to insults, dishonesty, cheating, road rage, fist fights and a rash of other unfortunate incidents.
Etiquette help us show respect and consideration to others and makes others glad that we are with them. Without proper etiquette, the customs of polite society would soon disappear and we would act more like animals and less like people. Aggressiveness and an “every man for himself” and God for us all attitude would take the lead.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mutea Rukwaru
• Release date: Aug 7, 2020
• ISBN: 9781005958473

Mutea Rukwaru

Mutea Rukwaru is an accomplished author of international reputation.He is an author of 17 bestselling books. He has written widely in the areas of research and family. He has wide knowledge in world of practice having been in the Department of Social Development for 33 years and also being in the world of academia, that is Universities and Kenya Schools of Government.Some of the top selling books include:Anatomy of CrimeFinancial Success Every Family's DreamEducation at CrossroadTraining at its bestMilestones of lifeHow to be a better CounselorThe winning familyThe Tie that bindsHappy though marriedFundamentals of social researchWhat happy couples knowSuccessful time managementStatistics can be funStrong in the stormSnapshot view of Social ResearchSocial Research Methods a complete guidePowerful Proposal, Powerful PresentationUpcoming titles being published by Eureka publishers are: Limits of Medicine, Dreams of my Motherland and A Place to feel at HomeMutea Rukwaru holds a Masters of Arts in Sociology (Counseling) and a Bachelor of Arts (Sociology), Upper Second class honors from Nairobi University

Book preview

SOCIAL ETIQUETTE AND MANNERS

Mutea Rukwaru

ISBN 978-9966-085-93-1

Other books by Mutea Rukwaru

(In order of years of publication)

Happy though married (2003)

The Tie that Binds (2005)

Successful Time Management, the Challenge for the Modern Manager (2006)

What Happy Couples Know (2006 a)

Fundamentals of Social Research (2007)

Milestoneszs of Life (2007 a)

How to be a Better Counsellor (2007 b)

Anatomy of Crime (2008)

Winning Family (2008 a)

Financial Success Every Family’s Dream (2008 b)

Education at Cross roads (2009)

Training at its Best (2010)

Social Research Methods : A Complete Guide (2015)

Powerful Proposal Powerful Presentation (2015a)

Statistics Can be Fun (2016)

Snapshot View of Social Research (2017)

Strong in the storm (2017a)

Retirement Dreams (2018)

Broken Promise (2019)

Limits of Medicine (2020)

Published by EUREKA PUBLISHERS

P.O BOX 1414 – 60200 MERU

Copyright Mutea Rukwaru 2020a

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be produced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher and author except for the inclusion of quotations in a review.

Cover Design was done by:-

Freelance Advertising Ltd

P.O Box 4873 – 00100

NAIROBI

Printed by :

Masterprint Graphics Limited

P.O Box 12714

NAIROBI

Typset by:

Glue Traxkom

MERU

Contact:

Website: www.mutearukwaru.com

Email: [e-mail]

Cellphone: [phone]

Acknowledgements

I would like to record my special thanks to Doctor Josephine Odera of the University of Nairobi who was my lecturer in protocol course. Her passion and enthusiasm during lectures left a permanent impact in my life. I am also thankful to Ambassador Denis Afande for enabling me to have and appreciate the world of Protocol and Diplomacy. I am finally grateful to the Office of the President for enabling me to attend many courses on protocol and etiquette, in order to enable me become effective as a master of ceremony during Presidential functions, which I performed for eight years. Lastly I am grateful to Peter Wanjohi, Secretary of State Functions in the Office of the President. I learnt so much from him when he was in the Presidential Music Commission

MR.

Dedication.

I dedicate this book to my late dad John Rukwaru. He was very polished in the areas of manners, etiquette, hygiene and personal grooming. The seed he planted in me in these aspects has continued to blossom in my life

MR.

The Author

Professor Mutea Rukwaru is a prolific author, a former adjunct faculty member in a number of universities and a former lecturer in Kenya School of Government Embu and Maseno. He is the representative of Association of the Schools of Social Work in Africa in the United Nations offices in Nairobi. He is a family counsellor, research consultant and a constant contributor in the KBC programme entitled our Heritage. He has contributed greatly in a number of policies in Kenya when he was in the Ministry of Labour and Social Protection, before his retirement.

Contents

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER ONE- HOME ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER TWO- BREAKUP ETIQUETTES

CHAPTER THREE- PERSONAL HYGIENE AND GROOMING

CHAPTER FOUR - TABLE MANNERS

CHAPTER FIVE- HOST ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER SIX- GUEST’S ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER SEVEN- WEDDING ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER EIGHT- BABY SHOWER ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER NINE- ETIQUETTE OF VISITING A NEWBORN BABY

CHAPTER TEN- ETIQUETTE FOR HOSPITAL VISITS

CHAPTER ELEVEN- CHURCH ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER TWELVE- DOWRY NEGOTIATION ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN- DISABILITY ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER FOURTEEN- PEDESTRIAN ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER FIFTEEN- DRIVING ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER SIXTEEN - TRAVEL ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN -FIRST TIME INTERNATIONAL TRIP

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN- GIFT ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER NINETEEN- GYM ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER TWENTY - PROTOCOL, ETIQUETTE AND DIPLOMACY

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE- BUSINESS ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO- OFFICE ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE- FUNERAL ETIQUETTE

Introduction

Etiquette and Manners

What is etiquette? Etiquette is the set of conventional rules of personal behaviour in polite society, usually in the form of an ethical code that delineates the expected and accepted social behaviours that accord with the conventions and norms observed by a society, a social class or a social group. Etiquette is a French word which literary signify a tag or label, and was used in a modern sense around 1750. Etiquette is behaviour that assists survival and has changed and evolved over time. Etiquette can also be defined as a set of rules dealing with exterior form.

Etiquette, the complex network of rules that govern good behaviour and our social interactions is always evolving and changing as society changes. Without etiquette, members of society would show far too much impatience and disrespect for one another, which would lead to insults, dishonesty, cheating, road rage, fist fights and a rash of other unfortunate incidents.

Etiquette help us show respect and consideration to others and makes others glad that we are with them. Without proper etiquette, the customs of polite society would soon disappear and we would act more like animals and less like people. Aggressiveness and an every man for himself and God for us all attitude would take the lead.

In olden times etiquettes were determined by the ruling classes, however over centuries, as society become more democratic, etiquette has become an excellent combination of common sense and rules of conduct that reflect cultural norms and the rules of our society as a whole rather than just one just distinct group within it. It has nothing to do with the fashion of the moment or who is in power and more to do with putting others at ease and putting an ethical code of code of conduct in place.

Importance of etiquette

Etiquette provides personal security - Knowing how to behave appropriately in a given situation makes you more comfortable and it also protects the feelings of others

It makes communication clearer - Etiquette enhances communication by breaking down barriers, not erecting them.

It will enhance your status at work - In any working situation, you are perceived as more capable, more professional and more intelligent when you are familiar with the proper code of conduct for the workplace.

It makes good first impression- The first few seconds after you meet someone are crucial. Your first impression lingers in the other person’s mind long after you are gone. If you use proper etiquette, that first impression will be a positive one.

It differentiates you from others in a competitive job market.

It enables you to be confident in a variety of settings with a variety of people.

Honours commitment to excellence and quality.

Modifies distracting behaviour and develops admirable conduct.

Socially acceptable and correct behaviour are important when using technology.

A diverse population requires that we interacts properly and respectfully with people of all background.

To avoid feeling awkward or ill in social and official situations, knowledge of etiquette is essential.

A boost to confidence and self esteem – correct etiquette can help with confidence when meeting new people, as you wont have to worry about whether or not you’re doing or saying the right thing.

Strong friendships – by treating people with kindness, courtesy and respect, we make ourselves build stronger personal friendships and relationships.

Increased happiness – Being kind to others makes the givers happy and increases their sense of satisfaction

It helps learners arrive at a deeper understanding of the local culture – The rules of etiquette vary from country to country and are often culturally sensitive. Learning a new language is strengthened by understanding these rules and the cultural context that these rules come from.

It avoids misunderstanding and offence – learning the correct etiquette means that you avoid unintentionally offending or insulting anyone.

Learning etiquette is fun – learning about etiquette is fun, it is more than just knowing which fork to use and it needn’t be dull and boring! It’s a fascinating way of understanding all the similarities and differences between your country and other’s. Etiquettes are the traffic lights of human interaction. They help us not to crash into another in everyday behaviour – Pier Forni.

Good etiquette help you swallow your pride and reach out to others. You become more considerate of the feelings and emotions of others

Conclusion

Remember that etiquette is meant to be a guideline, not a strict rules carved in stone. Those guidelines are developed using common sense, a sense of fairness, politeness and above consideration for others. If you let consideration for others be your final arbiter, you will be well on your way to being the kind of polite person who understands the rules of etiquette instinctively.

Practice, the highest standards of etiquette at home. Be sure to be polite and kind toward your spouse, parents and children, especially your children, so they will learn for example the proper way to treat other people. If they grow up with etiquette ingrained in them, they will find it easier to form lasting relationships, be successful in their jobs, and move through life as the kind of people others enjoy being around. You will find that etiquette becomes second nature to you rather that a set of rules and your own life will become more pleasant if you keep on practising. An etiquette guide cannot address every possible situation you will face as you move through life. There are countless situations in life when you will have the opportunity to reveal your true character.

History of manners and social etiquette

Today’s etiquette began in the French royal courts in the 1600’s and 1700’s. Etiquette used to mean keep off the grass. When Louis XIV’s gardener at Versailles discovered that the aristocrats were trampling through his garden, he put signs or etiquets to warn them off, however the dukes and duchesses walked right past the signs. Finally, the king himself had to decree that no one was to be beyond the bounds of the etiquettes. Gradually the meaning of etiquette was expanded to include the tickets to court functions that listed the rules of where to stand and what to do. Like language, etiquette evolved but in a sense it still was keep off the grass. We watch for people to stay within certain bounds.

Before that, the first known etiquette book was written in 2400B.C. by Ptahhotep. It reads as if it were prepared as advice for young Egyptian men climbing the social ladder of the day. One piece of advice was "when sitting with one’s superior, laugh when he laughs". Good manners have been around for along time. Even when people ate everything with their fingers, there were right and wrong ways to do it. Since ancient Rome, a lower-class person has grabbed food with all five fingers while one of breeding has used only three, leaving the ring and little fingers out of it.

According to Esther Aresty’s The Best Behaviour, one of the earliest writers on civility was Friulian an Italian, and Tommasino di Cerclaria known for his work A Treatise on Courtesy, C 1200. He did some moralizing but did so lightly and deftly. For di Cerclaria, carrying tales, betraying secrets vainglory and boasting were faults that bordered on sin. Pushing a head of others in a crowd was also evidence of poor breeding. Around 1290, a Milannese Monk, Bonvicino da Riva, wrote what is probably the first book dealing solely with table etiquette, Fifty courtesies of the table. Many of Bonvicino’s rules were as elementary as those taught to little children today; do not gulp food and liquid in one mouth, turn the head down when coughing or sneezing, do not lick one’s fingers clean of food or pick the teeth with the fingers, do not stare at other’s plates, and do not talk with a mouthful of food. Some of the monk’s rules were timeless and enduring. American etiquette and many others grew from these origins and they were based on consideration for others

The first actual record of American etiquette was George Washington’s rules of Civility. Later in 1922, Emily Post published Etiquettes, in Society, in business, in politics and at home. Post, a self-proclaimed debutante-turned writer/publisher, became a best selling author and paved the way for others to preach good manners. She was followed by Amy Vanderbilt, who proclaimed herself a journalist in the field of etiquette. Vanderbilt wrote The Amy Vanderbilt complete guide to etiquette. Letitia Baldrige and Judith Miss Manners Martin followed. Martin’s newspaper columns resulted in her publishing several books, including "Miss Manners Guide to Domestic Tranquility in 2000 and also 1999.

Peggy Post, Emily’s great grand daughter has followed in granny’s footstep with The Etiquette advantage in business: personal skills for professional success: personal skills for professional success (2004). She also dispenses her rules of good behaviour over the internet.

Etiquette has expanded beyond society today. Many big businesses teach their staff etiquette and they also have trainers to teach the executives good manners. They teach everything from how to dress, how to act, how to eat and how to converse to writing good business letters. With globalization, executives are also being trained in respecting cultural differences to enhance their success rate in foreign markets.

With the number of etiquette books and coaches available, there is no excuse for not learning how to make other people feel comfortable and respected. But, you know the saying you can drag a horse to water, but you cant make him drink. In order for you to drink in good manners, you have to realize what’s in it for you. If being successful in business with people and in your life is part of your plan, then please start drinking in the information available on manners and etiquette to help you live your dreams.

Etiquette has undergone changes amounting to nearly a revolution, and writers have created etiquette rules for the new situations. One way to describe the difference is that rules of etiquette are no longer for how to behave probably in a restricted society, but to provide knowledge of ways to put others at ease. earlier it was not considered proper for a girl or woman to walk alone. Etiquette delineated when she should be accompanied by a woman or by a man. Today the advice on not to walk alone would be a safety concern.

Probably the greatest change since the 1960’s has been in the relationship between men and women towards greater equality. Lord Chesterfield once declared that no provocation whatever could justify any man not being civil to any woman. It was due them to the only protection women had against a man’s superior strength. Men are no longer expected to protect women in every instance, rather, they are to treat them equally and with consideration due to every person. Currently there are many titles on etiquettes in many bookshops and this coverage not only demonstrates the changes in society but also demonstrates the continued concern about how to behave appropriately. In a nutshell manners and etiquette are dynamic as the society is also fluid and dynamic (see Elias 2000, Peggy 2004, Cas 2001, Letitia 1990, Fox 1999 and Post 1922).

Manners

Manners are an expression of inner character. According to Emily Posts, perhaps the most influential American writer on etiquette in the twentieth century, said Manners are made of trivialities of deportment (how a person acts and presents himself or herself in public e.g. being kind to strangers) which can easily be leaned if one does not happen to know them. Manner is personality – the outward manifestation of ones innate character and attitude towards life. Etiquette in action is manners. Manners are an outward bearing or way of behaving towards others. It is the manifestation of internalization of etiquettes. In essence manners are common sense, a combination of generosity of spirit and specific know-how. Rules of etiquette are the guiding codes that enable us to practice manners.

Norbert (2000) argued that manners arose as a product of group living and persist as a way of maintaining social order. He theorized that manners proliferated during the Renaissance in response to the development of absolute state – the progression from a small group living to the centralization of power by the state. To him manners demonstrated an individual’s position within a social network and act as a means by which the individual can negotiate the position.

Types of Manners

Sociological perspectives – in society manners are described as either good manners to indicate to a person whether or not his or her behaviour is acceptable to the cultural group. Sociologically it refers to acceptable social norms. Good manners is following the social norms and bad manners is the reverse.

Hygiene manners – Are the manners that concern avoiding the transmission of disease and usually are taught by the parent to the child by way of parental discipline, positive behaviour enforcement of body fluid continence (toilet training) and the avoidance and removal of disease vectors that risk the health of children. To that effect, society expects that by adulthood, the manners for personal hygiene have become a second – mature behaviour, the violations of which shall provoke physical and moral disgust.

Courtesy manners – are the manners of self –control and good-faith behaviour, by which a person gives priority to the interests of a socio-cultural group, in order to be a trusted member of that group. Courtesy manners maximize the benefits of group-living, by regulating the nature of social interactions. Generally parents teach courtesy manners in the same way they teach hygiene manners, but the child also learns directly by observing the behaviour of other people in the social interactions.

Cultural norm manners – are the manners of culture and society by which a person establishes his or her identity and membership in a given socio-cultural group. Cultural normal manners are learnt through the enculturation with and the routinisation of the familiar and through social exposure to the cultural togetherness of people identified as foreign to the group (see Wikipedia)

Importance of Good manners

Good manners will teach you to be polite even if someone behaves rudely to you and manners will stop you from overreacting. You also have better control over your emotions hence this will teach people how to treat and interact with you.

Practising good manners makes you more confident and increases awareness of your surroundings.

Being sympathetic towards others and not making fun of the weaknesses or deformities of others will take you a long way in life.

Good manners give you the strength to accept any kind of failure. It keeps you positively motivated to face rough weather. It is never easy to accept defeat or face the struggles of life. There are situations which test your patience, or try to bring you down. However your manners and positive attributes will help maintain your posture and turn the tide in your favour. Good manners are crucial in your daily life as they are very important in the long run. They are crucial in maintaining your family, social and professional circle

If you are respectful to others then you are more likely to be treated with respect by them. Your behaviour will have a domino effect.

Helps you to make a good impression