How to Make Your Baby an Internet Celebrity: Guiding Your Child to Success and Fulfillment

By Rick Chillot

In the twenty-first-century economy, there’s only one way to guarantee your child a bright and happy future: make that baby an Internet celebrity. But how? In How to Make Your Baby an Internet Celebrity, you’ll learn to assess your baby’s best attributes (is she smarter than a chimp?), assign a compelling screen persona (clumsiness = on-screen gold), and plan the ultimate viral Internet video. Make your baby an Internet celebrity . . . because the world needs cuteness now more than ever!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Quirk Books
• Release date: Sep 30, 2014
• ISBN: 9781594747533

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

If Destiny Is Fussy, Burp It

Congratulations on your new baby! Welcome to the world of midnight feedings, sunrise wake-up calls, doctor’s visits, routine vaccinations, infant CPR lessons, American Sign Language flash cards, art appreciation classes, stroller maintenance workshops, and other exciting responsibilities.

But as a loving and responsible parent, you have one obligation that’s far more important than any of those others: making your baby an Internet celebrity.

Most readers will find the reasons for doing this to be obvious, perhaps insultingly so, and can skip ahead to Chapter 1. But for those of you with even the slightest bit of skepticism or concern, let’s connect a few dots. Raising children in the twenty-first century is unlike anything your parents or grandparents experienced, and the stakes could not be higher. Consider the world your child is going to inherit: scarce jobs, fierce competition, dwindling opportunities. Experts tell us that the global economy will worsen while household appliances will get smarter. By the time your child is twenty-one years old and ready to enter the workforce, all of her job interviews will be conducted by Roombas. If she’s lucky, she’ll be one of thousands of equally qualified candidates vying for a slice of the vocational pie. More likely, she’ll have to compete with millions of rivals from foreign nations who learned to read at the age of two and learned to speak while still in the womb.

As you can see, your baby was born behind the eight ball, and you’d better hurry before the pool cue of fate lines up a bank shot into the corner pocket of oblivion. For your grandparents and great-grandparents, success was a reward for working hard and keeping their noses to the grindstone, but those days are over. In the new global economy, there are simply too many noses—roughly 6.3 noses for every grindstone, with more emerging every day. Besides, do you even know what a grindstone is? Does it sound like something you’d want your child’s nose pressed against? You know it’s probably covered in germs.

So what are you and your new baby going to do? In these crucial early months, too many parents waste time loafing around, waiting for the baby to congeal into something of substance like a Jell-O mold in a cluttered refrigerator. But if your child waits until preschool or kindergarten (or, worse, elementary school) to discover his talents and passions, he’ll be too late. The time to establish your child’s platform and brand identity is now, while all the other babies are napping twelve to sixteen hours a day. And the easiest way to establish your child’s future persona—to put him so far in front of his age cohort that he’ll be driving a Bugatti to accept his Nobel Prize on the moon while his peers are picking their noses in line at the DMV—is to turn your baby into an Internet celebrity.

Now, I’ve heard all the standard concerns and reservations, like Won’t becoming famous turn my sweet Thumbelina into a narcissistic sociopathic jerk? And it’s true, that is a common consequence of traditional fame. However, you need to remember that we are talking about Internet fame, a much safer and healthier alternative. Consider:

Of course you’ll want to think long and hard about whether this is the right course of action for your baby. But you must ignore that instinct, because there’s no time to waste! Your baby’s most valuable asset—cuteness—is diminishing by the day. So forget about five-year plans, acting classes, or a musical-based secondary school like they have on Glee. If you really want to finance the best life possible for your little one, you’ve got to act now, while little Blair or Gregg is

Reviews for How to Make Your Baby an Internet Celebrity

[kellybflynn · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is a really cute and quite hilarious book. I received a review copy and absolutely loved it. The great thing about the book is that it actually does have great advice. So, if you are quite serious about self-promotion, get this book. If you (like me) are more interested in it for the novelty aspect, that's great too! It serves both purposes. I am getting a copy for my best friend who just had a baby. I know she is going think it's awesome and get a good laugh out of it. I think this will be me new "go-to" baby shower present. My friends have a great sense of humor and will definitely love it!

[benkline · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I received this free with FirstReads.

A fun, quick, quirky book. Comedy and nothing else (which is its intent). Makes for a quick fun 1 hour reading. I don't think I'd make a purchase on this, as there's so little substance, and the humor is nothing more than what you could find on the web/TV. But, with 3 daughters of my own, I did appreciate some of the humor. I definitely recommend it to parents only.

[jenn.s · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This is a cute and funny book to read although I’d wager there are several (many?) parents out there who would take it seriously. I’ll admit I have been suckered into watching and re-watching several baby videos and even linking them to people I know will laugh (and cry) as much as I have. As far as usable content, there is some but I wouldn't bank anything on this book. That said, this book is an enjoyable read and makes a great gift, especially for that couple you have no idea what to get them. I received an evaluation copy in exchange for an honest review. This in no way influenced my opinion.

[rimkussl · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book is HILARIOUS. I don't have children of my own, however, some of my friends are starting to have kids and post ridiculous pictures of them on the internet. I have quite enjoyed reading this book and comparing the acts of my friends, telling them their baby will never be an internet celebrity because they're not doing it right. I have also grown to appreciate baby memes and find baby videos to be extremely funny. I enjoyed this book a lot and can't wait to share it with my friends!!!!

[angee240 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book was funny and adorable. I think it would be a great baby shower gift for an expectant mother.

[joup-2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I got "How to make your baby an internet celebrity" as a joke, but if you desire to make your baby a internet celebrity this is the book for you. It is a very cute book.

[liz.mabry · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

NOTE: I received this book for free through LibraryThing - this has not influenced my review.

Absolutely hilarious, and an essential tool for anyone having a baby. (Is it wrong that I thought about acquiring-er, having one to test out the plan?) The babies pictured are adorable, which is always a plus. The only nitpick I have is that it's so super-current that inevitably going to be one of those things that isn't funny in a year or two. But until then, worth buying as a baby shower gift for prospective parents.