No One To Hold Me

By Noelle Rahn-Johnson

Kenneth-
Waking up to the smell of smoke and the blaring of the fire alarm is not something I want to remember. It was the day I lost half of my life. Plagued with guilt, fear, severe depression and trying to take care of my young daughter and work almost killed me.
But with turning events, and meeting my saving grace…I had No One To Hold Me…until her.

Amanda-
Living for years with anger and betrayal, it was so well-hidden from me. I'm focused on working and trying to raise my young son as a single mother. It's a hard life. Until I meet a man and his daughter, and they right my whole world. I had No One To Hold Me…But now, at last…I do.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Noelle Rahn-Johnson
• Release date: Sep 13, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393853930

Noelle Rahn-Johnson

Noelle currently lives in Northern Minnesota with her husband, their four children, two dogs, two rats, a handful of goldfish, and a very spoiled cat. She spends most of her days puttering away on the keyboard with a breathtaking view of a lake in her backyard as a source of tranquil inspiration. Her and her husband were high school sweethearts, and will be celebrating their 25th year of wedded bliss in August of 2017. She enjoys fishing, reading, shopping, writing, and spending time with her family. Noelle's writing career debuted with her first m/m romance, Returning for Ryder, in September 2016 with a publisher. Originally intended as a standalone novel, it seems Noelle's fans have other ideas and she will be penning a second, and a third in what is now to become The Returning Series. She is no longer signed with this publisher and has now independently publishing this book and the rest of this series. Noelle has also indie published her In Pieces, Book One, in the "Pieces Trilogy", a heterosexual contemporary romance. She also has released book 2, Shattered Pieces and book 3 Broken Pieces. Naughty Night Press LLC recently signed Noelle for her MF Shifter Paranormal Romance, Remote in the Shadows, to be released in April of 2017. Noelle not only thrives on her love of writing, weaving worlds full of passion and romance for her readers to crawl into, but also the excitement of her readers when they know she's getting close to another release date. She plans to release many more books in the coming years for their enjoyment. Be warned, no matter the genre of her work, Noelle's books will all contain explicit language and smexy romance scenes! 18+ audiences only!

Book preview

Chapter 1

Ken

I’m sleeping, but I’m stirred awake by a foreboding sense of something wrong. I can smell it; I can feel it. Suddenly, the fire alarms in the hallway screech out and now I know. I quickly roll over and my wife pops open her eyes at the same time.

There’s a fire. Get dressed, quickly. I say to my wife, Kathleen, trying not to panic.

We have to get the kids. She worries.

Yes, I know. I’ll grab Gabby, you get Noah. I’ll meet you at the mailbox. I love you. I’ll see you soon. We both slip into our slippers on our feet. I round the edge of the bed, and walk over to her, then grab her arm to pull her closer, quickly kissing her lips.

I grab the door handle, it’s cool, so I carefully open the door. Immediately the smoke pours in. I drop to the ground on all fours, shut my bedroom door behind me with Kathleen still inside, then I quickly crawl my way down to the end of the hallway to our daughter’s room.

Promptly opening her door and shutting it behind me. Not wanting to let in too much smoke. I scramble to her bed, whip back the covers and pull her from her bed, Sweetheart, hurry. Daddy needs to get your slippers on. Grab your stuffed bunny and blankie. I’ll help you. Hurry, we need to get outside.

What’s wrong, daddy? Gabby looks to me with her big innocent blue eyes, brushing her hands over them to wipe away the sleep. Her eyes, so much like her mothers.

There’s a fire, baby, we need to get outside. I pull her to the edge of the bed.

Where’s momma and Noah? she cries.

They will meet us outside by the mailbox, baby. Now let’s hurry so we can meet them there.

I get her slippers on her feet while the quick conversation flows. With her stuffed bunny tucked under her arm, and her blankie in the other.

I lift her under her arms, pulling her from her bed. As I steady her on her feet, then we swiftly walk to her door. You have to crawl on your hands and knees, can you do that for daddy?

Knowing she won’t be able to crawl with her things under her arms, I notice her backpack hanging from the hook on the wall by her door. Instantly I grab it, then shove her meager items in, zipping it closed. I throw it on her back and help her pull her arms in through the straps.

We get to our hands and knees, then I open the door a crack. The thick, black smoke is billowing up and I can hear the crackling of the fire somewhere off in the house already. Making my way out into the hallway, my daughter's little body underneath mine, sheltering her from anything I possibly can. I lean back to shut her bedroom door. Pushing her to move, her little body safely tucked under my belly. We slowly make our way down the darkened hallway.

I pray that my wife is already outside waiting or will be soon. I look back at my son’s bedroom door, and it’s closed. Hoping she’s already gotten outside with our son. Or she will be soon.

I make my way to the stairs leading us to the first floor. I can hear my brave daughter whimper and cry, but she keeps crawling down the hallway to the steps.

Sitting on the first step, grabbing her hands and telling her, Take your hands and hold my shoulders. I’ll guide us down the steps one at a time, Okay?

Okay Daddy. She cries. I’m scared.

I know sweetheart. I know. I try to be brave for her. But knowing I’m worried about her mother and brother is tearing me up inside.

Just wanting to go back and check to make sure they got out of Noah’s room already is killing me not knowing. But if I do go back, I might doom us all.

Deciding to continue, I start my slow descend down the steps on my ass, Gabby right behind me. I can feel her tiny hands on my shoulders as I guide her down them.

When we reach the bottom floor, the front door is right there. There’s so much smoke, and we’re both coughing. I look back behind me to the kitchen area, and the flames have taken over that room.

I open the front door and the firemen are right there, just about to open the door to come in. I crawl out and grab my daughter by the arm. One man helps me up to standing. I glance at the mailbox, and my wife isn’t there yet.

Sir, is there anyone else in the home?

Yes, my wife and young son, second floor, last door on the left. Kathleen and Noah. Please hurry!

I walk to the mailbox and drop to the dirty ground with Gabby in my arms. I know with the amount of smoke already billowing up the stairs, and the flames I can see, there might not be enough time to get them out.

The ambulance is here, and they are whisking me and Gabby over to be checked out. I’m fine, but they insist we both get oxygen to our lungs to help us breathe easier. I finally agree and follow them to the back of the ambulance with Gabby in my arms.

Moments later, minutes later, hours later...I don’t know, but finally, two firemen escape the burning house, one man holding the limp body of my wife. She’s wearing her robe, belted at her waist. Slippers still on her feet.

Her head and arms limp, falling to the side.

The second man, holding the body of my son. His body says the same thing. Arms and head lolled to the side.

Limp and lifeless.

NO!!! NO!!! You have to help them! I rip the oxygen mask from my face, set my daughter next to me on the gurney, jump out of the back of the ambulance then run over to the rest of my family.

The men both push through and lay them on the ground and administer CPR on Kathleen immediately. My little boy, age four, is on the ground now as well and CPR is administered to him as soon as his body is on the ground. I run back to my daughter, pull the mask from her face and run with her to the lifeless bodies of my wife and son.

Maybe if we hold their hands, maybe, just maybe they will come back to us. They must know we’re here and they need to stay with us. They’ll be alright, they have to be.

The ambulance EMT’s run over, and the bodies of my family are lifted onto the gurneys that were lowered to ground level. They’re on their knees struggling with CPR on both my son and wife. What could be minutes or hours later, I don’t know any concept of time, they stop CPR on both Kathleen and Noah.

The EMT people, the givers of life and those giving CPR have stopped working on my son and my wife. The look on their faces, grim. Heads hanging down, shaking from side to side with an answer to an unheard question.

My family that had just been four only an hour ago, is now down to two. Half of my family is gone. I know they are. There’s no life, no movement that they are still alive.

NNNOOOOOO!!!! I scream out to the heavens. My head thrown back and my sorrow shouting to the world.

I fall forward, my head touching the grass below me, my fists pounding the hard ground. My tears falling to the earth. My sorrow is all-encompassing me and my son and wife are dead in front of me.

I feel a small hand touch my back, the other little arm wraps around my ribs and stomach, clutching me to her.

My daughter.

She’s here and I need to comfort her. But yet, at age three, she’s comforting me. I wrap my arms around her, pull her into my lap and squeeze her tight. She’s my whole world right now, she’s my family and I would do anything to help her stay safe.

She pulls away from me and crawls over to her brother, lays her head on his chest, and says, Bye brudder, Noah. I wuv you. She kisses his cheek then sits back on her heels, staring down at his lifeless body.

Next, she leans over in front of me, splays her hand over her mother’s cheek, and I can hear her whisper, Bye mommy. I wuv you. She kisses her mother’s cheek softly, then lays her head on her chest, curling up next to her then closing her eyes.

I’m sorry, sir. They’re both gone. There’s nothing more we could have done for either of them. The paramedic announces. As if I already didn’t know that.

My heart bursts into a million pieces. It falls into ashes all over the front yard. Just like parts of our home, like those, the ashes fall around us.

In these few little words my daughter muttered, her life as she once knew it...it’s gone.

Her mother.

Her brother.

My wife.

My son.

I’m my daughters only caregiver left. I have to rise up from the ashes around us. I have to live for her and survive this. With her with me. I am like a phoenix and I will rise from the ashes and overcome this total devastation of my heart.

All-encompassing.

All fear.

All devastation of our lives and I will rise like that phoenix and live again.

Someday.

But right now, I will sit and die in the ashes.

Until I’m ready to face this, this fear of the unknown, this unknown of the future, the future that isn’t what it once was. The once was, is not there but an unknown space of blackness. I fall deeper into the blackness; it overpowers me, and I can’t stop it from overtaking my body, heart, and mind.

The blackness is all I can see.

It’s all I have become.

Is the blackness.

It’s all that I know now.

Chapter 2

Ken

I’m sitting in the apartment above my auto repair shop, Harris Auto Repair, listening to the rain hit the roof. It’s five-fifteen in the morning and I still haven’t gone to sleep. Thank God we had somewhere to go for the night, and I hadn’t rented it out, verses sleeping in the hotel room that was provided.

I stand from the couch and make my way into the small bedroom where my daughter sleeps. She clutches her stuffed bunny to her chest and her blanket in her arms. Her slippers still on her feet, and her robe wrapped around her tight.

She wanted to be like mommy, slippers and a robe, so she got them this past Christmas. The tears never stop falling from my eyes. I don’t even attempt to wipe them away. I turn back, closing the door a bit behind me, keeping it just open enough to hear if she calls for me, but closed enough to keep her resting.

I pad over to the window and rest my forehead against the windowpane. It’s cold. But I don’t care, it’s what my whole body feels since the fire last night and knowing of my wife and son’s demise. My body is cold, my heart, and my mind. Foggy I guess is another word I can use.

The early morning sunrise is mulled by the rain and darkening clouds. Like my heart at the moment. Dark and gloomy.

Heartache is a fickle bitch. She stabs at you until you’re raw and broken. Then comes at you again, stabbing and gutting you.

I’m not a whole man. My body is weary and tired. I have no tears left it seems, they no longer fall. Maybe I’m dead inside. Maybe I’m dead. Maybe I’m dreaming this nightmare that is now my life, and sometime later I’ll wake up and scream out. My wife will be lying at my side in our bed. In our home. And she’ll be there to hold me.

But there is no one to hold me now.

Reality kicks my ass, and my daughter walks out of her room, and whispers, I have to go potty, daddy.

I nod to her, pull myself from the window and walk over to her. I grab her hand and walk her to the small bathroom between the two bedrooms. She does her thing while I wait in the hallway for her to be done.

All done, daddy. As I hear the toilet flush. I help her wash her hands then we both walk to the living room. I set up cartoons for her and she sits on the couch to watch. I stare at the TV as the cartoon characters dance across the screen, not knowing what we went through not but a few hours before.

I float to the kitchen, because I don’t