Life and Polygamy

By Musa Mseleku

Famous for their roles about their every-day lives in the DSTV Reality television series – Uthando neSthembu, this book was the pre-cursor to the record breaking television show which took the subject matter to a whole new level!This book explores numerous aspects pertaining to living within a polygamous marriage, the meaning and dynamics behind this often misunderstood cultural practice, as well as the many and varied challenges which frequently present when men express their wish or desire to take multiple wives.

The Mseleku family are living, breathing testament to the centuries old practice of traditional African Polygamy in modern day South Africa, and took the public by storm with the launch of the T.V series.

This book explores numerous aspects pertaining to living within a polygamous marriage, the meaning and dynamics behind this often misunderstood cultural practice, as well as the many and varied challenges which frequently present when men express their wish or desire to take multiple wives.

Challenging ones mindset often creates internal revolutions of magnanimous proportions, but it is our ability to remain open minded which determines how we choose to see the world we are set to experience and explore.

Ready to engage your own internal moral compass on what you thought you knew about traditional African Polygamy? Then this is undoubtedly the book for you!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Musa Mseleku
• Release date: Oct 20, 2020
• ISBN: 9781005361280

Book preview

Life and polygamy

Musa Mseleku

Copyright © 2020 Musa Mseleku

First edition 2020

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval system without permission from the copyright holder.

The Author has made every effort to trace and acknowledge sources/resources/individuals. In the event that any images/information have been incorrectly attributed or credited, the Author will be pleased to rectify these omissions at the earliest opportunity.

Published by Musa Mseleku

Table of Contents

Introduction

The Author’s Biography

Chapter 1 Where Does Polygamy Originate?

Chapter 2 Tradition And Polygamy

Chapter 3 The Good And The Bad About Polygamy

Chapter 4 Sustaining Polygamy

Chapter 5 Children And Polygamy

Chapter 6 To Build A Polygamous Dynasty In A Justified Way

Chapter 7 The Importance Of Money And The Polygamous Life

Chapter 8 Wives And Their Behaviour In The Polygamous Family

Chapter 9 Religion And Polygamy

Chapter 10 What Are The Feelings Of People About Polygamy?

Chapter 11 Communication In The Polygamous Family

Chapter 12 Fighting As A Barrier To A Successful Life

Chapter 13 What Does A Wife Do?

Chapter 14 Love Is Broad

Chapter 15 Women And Polygamy

Chapter 16 The Power Of Polygamy

Chapter 17 Fights In Polygamy

Chapter 18 Problems Of Polygamy

Chapter 19 Views Of Shembe Followers On Polygamy

Chapter 20 Views Of Islam On Polygamy

Chapter 21 Views Of Christianity On Polygamy

Chapter 22 Diseases In Polygamy

Chapter 23 A Woman Who Hates Polygamy

Chapter 24 Heritage In The Polygamous Family

Chapter 25 The Importance Of Polygamy

Chapter 26 Who Should Be Discouraged From Polygamy

Chapter 27 Polygamy Exists Because Of Women

Chapter 28 Polygamy For The Rich And The Poor

Chapter 29 Life And Polygamy First Part

Introduction

I would like express my unending gratitude to my mother, Nomathemba Joyce Mseleku, for raising us well against all odds. She worked as an unqualified teacher, motivated by her burning desire to develop society. I would also not be doing her justice if I forgot to thank my grandmother, Phiwe Flo Dingile Mseleku, for looking after her children, using her hard-earned money from working as a domestic worker her entire life.

To you my sister, Nompumelelo Sibusisiwe Mseleku, I thank you very much for holding on to me after our mother passed away. I salute you MaMthombeni!

To my daughters, Snenhlanhla, Mpilonhle, Abongwe, Mawande and Olungileyo Owami, my wish for you is that you learn from Nompumelelo, and that her example motivates you to gain an education for your life.

To my sons, Mpumelelo Musa, Lethokuhle kaMusa and Mnini Musakawukhethi Mseleku, you must learn from the men who have travelled before you and become like them even at your age.

To my wives with whom God has blessed me: maCele Busisiwe, maSaule Sindy, maYeni Nokukhanya, maKhumalo Thobile and maNgwabe Mbali, I thank you so much. May God bless you.

This book is not intended to promote polygamy and encourage people to have multiple wives. Rather, its intention is to contribute to the nation, to minimise marital problems where men have a burning desire to have multiple wives. In stark contrast to these sentiments, many female partners begin to harbour hatred towards polygamy. This book illustrates the real picture about what people should do when they want to have multiple wives and also tells of others who join the bandwagon of those who fear the burden of polygamy.

Those who practise polygamy must do it with respect because the world in general and society will have a negative perspective about them if they don’t, since they will be judged according to their conduct within their families.

The nation will find joy the day it realises the importance of understanding polygamy better through this journey, to lessen emotions between those who love it and those who hate it.

The Author’s Biography

Musa Mseleku was born in Umzumbe in the area called Kwa-Madlala. His mother, who has passed away, was Nomathemba Joyce Mseleku. Musa is one of the grandchildren of Phiwe Flo Dingile Mseleku, who is also deceased. Musa started his primary education in Denver Zoar Mission School in Umzumbe before proceeding to Prince Ngamizizwe School. He matriculated from Sister Joan’s High School in 1993. He graduated from the University of KwaZulu-Natal in 1997.

He worked as a journalist for Durban Youth Radio before he joined SABC News.

He is involved in community development in the Ugu District Municipality, responsible for the rural areas.

One of his noticeable achievements was to play a pivotal role in the peace-making process in Kwa-Madlala. He also established an organisation called Phiwe uKufunda Programme, which helped many poor people. He is an author of the book called Imizamo kaCebo, which paints a clear picture of high school and tertiary education life.

This book is a gift to all those who are married and who wish to extend their families by adopting the practice of polygamy and those who wake up stuck in the polygamous life unprepared. I hope this book gives them the strength and courage to live this life with full knowledge and understanding, being guided by God.

Chapter 1

Where Does Polygamy Originate?

In these modern days, life has changed. In past times people would wake up early in the morning to their vast fields and look after their livestock, which varied from cattle and goats to chickens. A well-to-do family would be identified by the vast plot of fields and kraal below it. All these kraals were for cattle and goats and a crate was provided for fowls. The head of the family would wake up early in the morning and move around the premises before going to the kraal to check on his livestock. That was an indication that the family was rich. The children born into that family were easy to identify among their peers.

During those days, the rich families tended to share their wealth with the needy families by, for example, giving them a cow to look after so that they could have milk in the process and get one of the calves in the end. This allowed the family to start its own life and prevented the spread of poverty in the society. The same cows were used to plough and cultivate their fields, which ensured the needy were not exposed to poverty in the society. The tendency to cultivate fields and be agriculturally orientated was encouraged to keep people fit and healthy and help them avoid all sorts of ailments. Exercising our bodies is something that is encouraged today. In modern times, people like to exercise by going to the gym to keep fit and healthy while, in the olden days, people would keep themselves healthy by working hard through the cultivation of their fields and walking long distances.

There were hunters who lived by hunting wild animals in order to get meat, which assisted greatly in avoiding poverty. The art of hunting was hewed during the days of looking after the livestock as boys would kill birds and small animals. The boys were able to turn the art of hunting into a life skill, which the boys could use to feed themselves. Not all boys knew how to snare birds and hunt animals but depended largely on the rare skills of certain gifted individuals. As the Zulu axiom confirms that the best way to know where you are going is to get direction from those who have gone ahead of you, those who had an ability to discover a latent talent would sharpen their skills to be better in that specific field.

The people believed strongly in the African philosophy that one person’s life is complete because of other people, for it depends on family and the society. There were many social activities to do to keep themselves united. A child’s upbringing was the responsibility of the entire village. It was easy for an adult to raise and correct a misbehaving child on the spot. This act was able to build unity in the society.

The upbringing of a child was clearly understood to hinge on many aspects because a child is a product of two people who come from different families going back to the creation of the world. There were many things that bore testimony to this fact. There are symbolic cultural activities that are performed by all nations when a child is born into a family. In the case of the people I am describing here, the giving of a surname to a child was the only symbol that would dictate the culture here on earth that the child would take as it provided a link between the living and their ancestors. This tradition helped to avoid many problems that might engulf a child as he grew up. Today, it is important for a child to have a proper surname in order to receive blessings from the correct line of family.

Many people are not successful in their lives because they were given the wrong surnames as children, which they are not aware of because children only know what their parents tell them. However, circumstances exist that may lead parents, knowingly or unknowingly, to give a child an inappropriate surname. If I may give an example of this: there are people who are able to have multiple relations outside their marriage, claiming that they get more happiness from these relationships than from their marriage partners. When they are asked why they have multiple relations, they come up with a torrent of flimsy excuses. Women in particular enjoy being loved and cared for all the time. If it happens that they fail to get this love and care from within the family they look for it outside the marital boundaries secretly. They claim that if a husband is abusive and not loving, to find a person who will comfort them becomes a last option.

It is from such circumstances that an illegitimate child may result but the mother may prefer to keep the identity of the child’s biological father as a secret because of the stigma it carries. This may affect the mother’s life because she lives with a guilty conscience for having an illegitimate child and she does not know what to do to avoid losing her marriage. This may lead to many difficulties in the life of the child that force him to find the reasons that might have led to these difficulties. In this way the child may discover the secrets surrounding his birth. It is a difficult thing to accept because no one in their sober senses can bravely accept that scandal. It is normally not an easy thing to accept your sins while you are still alive, to protect your image.

At times this scandalous married life is caused by husbands who have a tendency to neglect their wives. There is a Zulu saying that the heart is insatiable. Such circumstances have the potential to force a woman with a heart hungry for comfort to fall for anything, against the principles of marriage. No one knows how husbands are going to manage a polygamous life when they dismally fail to manage a monogamous life. It is important for men to have the understanding to avoid problems that may negatively affect their children because of their ignorance of what they have got themselves into.

There was another very popular tradition among people of past times, that of giving their daughters to other families. This tradition was practised to get cows from the families. This tradition is still popular even in these days. There was a strong belief that a person does not live for himself but for his family. This meant that parents would raise their children until they got married. The tradition of families having their children getting married to one another is pre-eminent since it is used as a strategic way to uniting two families. In practising this culture, girls are expected to attract lobolo and other related traditional activities. Lobolo is issued and certain animals slaughtered for the two families concerned. Both bridegroom and bride cannot enjoy a meal without having an animal slaughtered to welcome them to their new families respectively. This tradition may look or sound meaningless to people who do not practise it but to those who do practise it means a lot if they want to have a strong family.

The manner in which the bridegroom’s side of the family splashes out money to buy gifts that have been agreed on is an indication to the bride that she is welcomed into her new family. The giving of gifts goes on until the bride performs some kind of a dance before the eyes of the bridegroom’s family and is taken to the altar of the ancestors, which is the kitchen. An animal is slaughtered so that its bile can be used to smear over the feet of the bride, symbolising that she has been introduced to the ancestors of the bridegroom’s family.

We benefit from this tradition in several ways. Under normal circumstances, a man would go out of his way to court a girl who looks beautiful in his eyes. A boy would go to the river where the girl fetched water or the bush where the girl hewed wood. It was not like walking in the park since girls of those days were hard nuts to crack. The boy was expected to use a high degree of persuasion to win the heart of the girl. The girl would start by confirming with a mature girl whether it was proper to give her love to the boy. This would only happen if feelings of love for the boy were fast developing. The girl, before she gave her love to a boy would start by having beadwork that looked exactly like a necklace to put around his neck when they met as a symbol that she had fallen in love with him. The boy would celebrate by performing some kind of a dance to depict that all had eventually gone his way. He would then go home and hoist a white flag over the roofs of his home, which indicated that he had been accepted into the heart of that particular woman.

The art of talking was needed even during those days. It was also common that the family of the girl would request her to get married into a particular family, with a purpose of bringing cows into her family. That girl would not wait for a boy to approach her but would instead go to that family. There were many reasons for that situation. It was impossible for a man to dish out his cows easily; it needed a girl to take them by ensuring that she was getting married to that family.

The two families concerned would hold negotiations regarding the lobolo to be issued prior to the girl getting married. This was a diplomatic way of the rich family trying to assist the poor family. The rich family would be expected to issue the lobolo without misgivings. Other girls would get married in order to collect cows that would assist their brothers in getting married, to extend the surname of that clan or family.

The bride would show great respect for the family into which she got married. She would not eat certain types of food that she used to eat while she was still at her home. These types of foods had a significant meaning based on culture, like eggs and some other parts of animals’ meat. Older people regarded some of these foods as having a negative effect on the bride’s behaviour at home. Sometimes it was believed that people who ate these types of food would have an unbearable desire for sex which was no good for a new bride whose husband was away looking for work or working far away. In the olden days most men would be out hunting for long periods while others were busy at war defending their territories. So that is why it was not recommended that most women especially new brides eat these types of foods. The other major reason was that some types of food were always reserved for elderly people and it was not considered correct for young people to eat them. It was believed that some types of food would make young people forget things easily and so it was not good for the bride to suffer from that kind of sickness while she was still young within the new family.

The bride would also not cross to the males’ side in the rondavel house, for there is a belief that it is a place where ancestors reside or sit. Some would view the practice of not allowing the bride to eat certain food as a reason to justify being mean to her, as the type of food that she was not allowed to eat was of a high standard and taste and usually a delectable dish. What makes things worse is that there was no special food set aside for her apart from the food that was going to be eaten by everyone. This situation would force some brides to develop the bad habit of stealing the delectable food to enjoy it as well, since it did not cause any harm to them in the first place.

There is an axiomatic saying in the Zulu language that the beauty of a man is his cows or affordability. Boys are not expected to be like girls whose beauty is made up of attractive looks and sexy figures. The importance of looking at the inner beauty of women played its role even during those days, as many males would prefer that kind of beauty at times since it comes from within. The beauty