Is It Me Or Are We All Crazy?

By Lee Mercer

Once again there's good news for those of us who love to laugh at the state of the world and its intrinsic design. Lee provides hilarious commentary on a vast array of subjects ranging dating and romance in the technology driven era to the absurdities we see every night on the evening news.

Serious thought about ridiculous subjects can often be the best way to add desperately needed levity to a world that can often take itself way too seriously. A world we now find ourselves living in. If you are prepared to get a little dirt on you as Lee takes you on a satirical journey, you will enjoy the guilty pleasures contained within this book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Aug 28, 2020
• ISBN: 9781716622250

Book preview

Is It Me or Are We All Crazy?

By

Lee Mercer

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Table of Contents

PREFACE

Why I Write

DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

Relationship Envy

Time for a Reality Check, Check Please!

Dating-101

Breaking Up-101

Rosas?

HIM VS HER

Jealousy

Women

That’s Curious

Singularity

TEK-KNOW-LOGY

Text Me Please

The Double-Text

The Stall Text

LOL

To text or not to text, that is the question

The Booty Call

The Booty Text

A.I.

The 4-Letter Gang

AMERICA

Gay Marriage

Parking Nazis

The War in Iraq

THE FAM

Offspring

People

College

The Walk of Shame

The Cram

Adulthood

Parenting

Fatherdom

Rules for Parents

Animal Lovers

THE REVOLUTION WILL BE TELEVISED

What’s in a Name?

Prices

California

Road Rage

Jaywalking

SPORTS AND MORE SPORTS

Basketball

Baseball

Football

The Olympics

Curling

The Shot Putt

Couples Figure Skating (If you’re a male):

Couples Figure Skating (If you’re a female):

Gymnastics

Synchronized Swimming

The 100 Meter Dash / The 100 Meter Hurdles / The 400 Meter Relay

Bobsledding

Rhythmic Gymnastics

The Special Olympics

Feed Me (But Feed me FAST)

Homelessness and Ruthlessness

Working

Halloween at The Office

The Christmas Party

Farting in the Office

The South

Southern Critters

Southern Competition

It’s done with Corn

It’s done with cars

It’s done with fishing

But wait, there’s more

The North

Washington DC

Cultural Coordination

RANTING CAN BE FUN

The Young and The Shifty: Mystery Brotha Vs. Che-Whitey

Che-Whitey

Diehard Packer Fan

Coffee-Shop Laptop Guy

Hip Hop

Porn

Online Dating

A Little Help Please

PUBLIC BATHROOMS, THE NIGHTMARE THAT WILL ALWAYS BE.

Peeing in urinals

The Dick Game

IS IT ONLY ME?

O...(is for Obama)

PREFACE

But I Digress...Is It Only Me or Are We All Crazy?

There is one truth that binds us all: we all bear witness to the same series of events and circumstances on a daily basis but often fail to notice how they commonly affect us. The memories of these events can remain lingering in the depths of our subconscious until someone recants them in a way that if delivered cleverly enough, can make us appreciate that we held onto them in the first place. We call this comedy. Some of these truths we collectively share hangout in the recesses of our minds because, well that is where they belong; hidden and tucked away. And while I run the risk of shedding too much light on the inner workings of the modern-day male mind, any good storyteller will tell you that no risk means no reward.

There is some truth in the title however, because this book is in many respects a series of digressions and rants, told from a mind that could easily be diagnosed as one in need of serious professional help. The good news is that as its author, I can deliver my own take on a long list of subjects with great ease because unlike most rational people, I happen to have absolutely no shame. I’m also spilling the beans in many ways because this book contains a ton of information on subject matter that has typically been reserved as inner monologue, not approved for public consumption. I am certain to catch a little heat for that (from both genders) and am sure to offend those conservatives out there with mild mannered sensibilities. But then again, who wants to read a book that is safe enough to read out loud at Sunday Bible School? Serious thought about ridiculous subjects can often be the best way to add desperately needed levity to a world that can often take itself way too seriously. A world we now find ourselves living in. If you are prepared to get a little dirt on you as I take you along with me, you will enjoy the guilty pleasures contained within this book.

Enjoy

Why I Write

Why I write. The answer is quite simple; in our age of websites and chat rooms, emailing and blogging, texting and instant messaging, talking has become extinct. In an age of people who don’t read books, we have all become expressionists of the written word.

Having been born of one of the first generations to spend his adolescent years using paper and his puberty years using email, I have paid a price, and today I retreat from verbalization. Every conversation I have today I feel like shouting, text me later! or could you just fucking email me please? In fact, I honestly believe it’s rude to call someone randomly, but we will discuss this later.

So, I write. I write because you can’t press backspace in a verbal conversation. I write because when you text or email, you get to see if you’re about to sound like a moron with the luxury of changing it before you press send. I write because when you talk, there is no delete button to get your foot out of your mouth. I write because you know that by reading this, it didn’t get to you before making it though spell-check or grammar-check, or before facing complete and permanent deletion. I write because I know what you eventually read is probably what I meant for you to understand. That’s right people, these words have made it past every possible cut/paste imaginable. It’s because of this that you know that this book will be funny, thought provoking, and more importantly, none of your oxygen was sacrificed in the process…but I digress…

DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

Relationship Envy

Before we begin, please understand that my decision to begin here was with much consternation. It may get a bit raunchy, but like any kinkiness in the beginning of a romantic encounter, some amazing cuddling will surely follow.

When it comes to relationships, I could care less about those that, due to circumstances, would be difficult to end because of the ill effect it would have on both parties. What I mean is that as an outsider looking in, relationships I envy the most are the ones that are easy to get out of.

Philosophically speaking, anyone can stay married if the only other option is losing half of everything you own plus a long, drawn-out custody battle to boot. The ones I find most intriguing are those that thrive despite an obvious back door by which each person can easily exit. These are the relationships I raise my eyebrow at in complete admiration… "You guys are together because you want to be, not because you have to be."

I get dizzy when I think about the sit-and-spin ordeals involved with the search for someone who is relationship material. Ladies, how many times have you pulled your hair out trying to figure out what the hell is going on in some guy’s mind that you are involved with? The truth is, while you are trying to figure out what his deal is, at the same time somewhere else, some hopeless guy out there is trying to figure out the same thing about you...and some other woman out there trying to figure out the same thing about him…and so it goes…

How many times do you have to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why someone isn’t falling for you...no matter how perfect your last date was together? It can seem next to impossible to find the right person for yourself. Round and round we go…where we stop…screw that! I just jump off before I throw up. Finding the right person for yourself can be like looking for a parking space, the good ones are hard to find and the rest are all handicap.

I’m not a complete cynic when it comes to relationships. It’s not like I don’t give it the old college dropout try. Relationship-101 is a course of academia I consider myself very learn-ed but not yet a master. However, I do know the key signs of a maturing relationship. It begins with the toothbrush.

Personally, I keep tons of extra toothbrushes in the bathroom. When you’re single, it’s just a matter of being humane. Not humane to her but to myself…there should be no excuse for her to have bad breath, or more importantly, for me to have to smell it. It’s like saying, here’s an extra toothbrush for you so that we may continue our otherwise romantic evening…because your breath smells like you just ate a skunk sandwich …But I digress...

It’s when she buys her own toothbrush specifically for your house that the evil eye of reality must be pried open. When she’s not around and you see that attractive pink toothbrush, much fancier than your own, sitting patiently in your bathroom waiting for its owner to return, it may be time for some concern. That’s when you realize, something is different. You spot the little hygienic tool out of the corner of your eye as you suddenly realize, it has been there for months. And while brushing your own teeth you wonder, "how the hell did this happen?"

The next key indicators of relationships are not so sanitary. I suggest those squeamish of heart skip ahead to the next chapter because you will find your own relationship somehow tainted by these otherwise unspoken but still recognizable truths.

A relationship hits a new level when germs and smells make a subtle transformation into less obtrusive words, like, essence and aromas.

You see, once a certain amount of bodily fluid has been shared between partners, women somehow not only turn a blind eye to the difference in origins, but embrace this new, combined bodily elixir as a symbol of oneness. To them it’s cute, much like the idiotic combining of celebrity names like Bennifer and TomKat. What a crock.

My first experience of this was while on vacation I woke up and found my girlfriend using my toothbrush because she forgot her own. I nearly threw up.

Love, at least for the first few months, can be more fun than a ride on a waterslide on a hot summer day. You begin to figure out that while at first, a small post-dinner belch can be as upsetting as a death in the family, now it’s just an unspoken way of saying, thanks for dinner babe, now let’s have sex. That’s right, real love is when his toenail-cutting session right after dinner isn’t that bad when you think about it.

This leads me to the single most defining moment of true love. This is the ability to take a shit in front of your girlfriend. Yeah that’s right, I said it! Love conquers all extends into these deep depths my friends, and when you find that woman who not only can withstand the smell of your shit for more than a few seconds, but has somehow come to find it cute, you hold onto that woman, tight! You have just entered that oh so lovely, yet brief, stage of Romanticism-101…it’s called DENIAL.

If you find Denial a strange title of the stage I just spoke of, you have never been married or don’t have a married friend willing to share this odd phenomenon with you.

I christen this stage Denial because for women, some strange chemical reaction has cut off the flow oxygen to the brain, thus cutting off her senses to the smell of shit, more specifically your shit.

This period of bliss, like most highs, will eventually pass and unfortunately be replaced with a heightened sensitivity to that very same shit which was once entirely undetectable. Over time when things get old and the buzz wears off, that same shit that once could not even be noticed, now smells worse than a skunk. Not just any skunk, a skunk that just squeezed its way out of the ass of another skunk. Welcome then, to next stage of Romanticism-101…REALITY. School’s out.

Time for a Reality Check, Check Please!

When does that moment occur when you stop, look around, and realize that things are not quite normal? It happens the same day your best friend tells you to fuck off for the last time because you never return their calls, or you’ve flaked on them once again. It’s that moment when you stop and realize that from the outside looking in, you’ve become exactly the person you told everyone that you’d never turn into.

A few months ago, my best friend got married. Having been his best friend for many years, I was the obvious choice to be his best man. Like a tour in Iraq, this should only be experienced once. I’m no war expert, but my guess is that most soldiers that receive the Congressional Medal of Honor retire from service as quickly as possible. Only complete nut-jobs sign up for another tour of duty as best man. I’ve been Best Man at 4 weddings.

Believe me, this role is a royal pain in the ass. Appointing a confirmed bachelor as your Best Man is like forcing a vampire to eat an entire plate of pasta, boiled in holy water, and topped with roasted garlic. His having avoided marriage for as long as he has should serve as clear indication that he has a singular distaste for responsibility.

Being the best man at a wedding will make you remember your best friend’s face… forever. I will never forget the look on my buddy’s face right before his wedding. He nearly turned blue. I thought he was choking, and I wasn’t far off. As we headed to the chapel, I remember his leaning over to me and saying, "man, I feel like I can’t breath, after this there’s no turning back, because after today, it’s gonna’ cost me to leave her ass."

Two years later I was with him right before his wife gave birth and strangely, he was the one who fainted. When I woke him up, he had that same look on