Yes, I'm Infertile

By Kambria Thatcher

Tierney Crest is a typical happy woman who married her best friend. Together, they set out on life's great adventure. Along the way, they struggle with the heartache of infertility and face uncertainty about what to do next. What will their friends and family think when they tell them? Will they treat them differently?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Nov 13, 2020
• ISBN: 9781644243664

Book preview

Journey

They say the truest stories are the ones you write about yourself, or what you know. I guess that makes sense. Otherwise, it would all just sound hollow and fall on deaf ears. I debated for a long time whether or not to write this part of me. It is so raw and real, unrefined and ugly. Would anyone relate to the words written on the page? Would anyone care?

That’s why I finally decided to write this story: so that others will know that they aren’t fighting this battle alone.

Guys, let me tell you a little secret: life is messy. It does not fit in neat little boxes. It is a creative, hilarious, ugly, frustrating, and sometimes scary and hurtful thing.

Is that why we try so hard to label? So we can try to keep ourselves from getting hurt? Are we selling ourselves short when we think we can only amount to the label placed upon us?

Sorry, I got a little carried away. I tend to do that sometimes. I’ll step down from my soapbox now.

Let’s see. Where was I?

Oh! Yes, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Tierney Catherine Bridge Crest, but my friends and family call me Tie. I am a super-typical person. I have long, thick brown hair, blue eyes hidden behind glasses most of the time, and average height and build. I’ll spare you the finer details of my physique—you’re welcome!

I have the best job in the world. I am an art teacher at the local middle school here in Knox, Maine. The best part about my job is that I can help my students forget about the middle school drama for a time and help them focus on creating something amazing. I love my students dearly, and they used to fill a void in my life. They still have a big piece of my heart, but my journey now includes a few more hands to hold.

Then there’s my amazing husband, Roman. He is seriously the best person I know—and I know some great people. We are a great team, and I am a better person for knowing him. Sappy, I know. But it’s the truth, and I promised to be real. We have been through so much together, and it has only helped me appreciate him more. Life has a funny way of helping you see who and what really matters in your world.

I grew up a couple of hours from here in Island Falls. My family is great. I have three brothers—Mark, Christoph, and Titus—and a little sister, Lilyann, and my parents, of course. Growing up in a big family always made me want to have a large family when I got married and started a family of my own. We are a close-knit bunch, and I love it. We have get-togethers at least once a year and Sunday conference calls weekly.

Since there are seven of us, it is quite the ordeal to be on a conference call. Everyone tends to trip over one another in the conversation, and half the time we can’t understand what one person is saying because we are all laughing so hard. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In the beginning of our relationship, Roman would patiently sit next to me while I called home, and quickly found out the causal call would result in roaring laughter and sibling inside jokes that I tried to explain and often failed.

Although I always invite him to go on the conference call with me, Roman retreats to the other room after greeting my parents and asking a few cursory questions, headphones and laptop in hand.

Our family wasn’t always this close. Being a family with five children has its challenges, especially with three boys right in a row. There were lots of fistfights, harsh words, a few broken bones, and lots of slammed doors. The boys got really good at patching up walls too.

There were also the hand-me-downs and lots of comparing. Our parents didn’t do it, for which I am grateful as an adult. I definitely took that for granted. It was the sibling rivalries that made us compare everything, and I mean everything. We compared grades, strength, social status, biggest bruises from skateboarding, et cetera.

I don’t know how my parents handled all the teen angst from us, but they somehow created a space for us to feel loved, even when we seemed to hate each other. That was one of the many things I dreamed of creating for my own family. I’ve since spent many hours on the phone and in person with them, trying to pinpoint what they did to make their home a place we could be comfortable to be ourselves. They always have great advice.

As I began my college education, it was with thoughts of grandeur filling my mind. Maybe it was the way I was raised to believe that I could do anything I set my mind to, but I just knew I was going to change the world, single-handedly, of course. After I had earned my associate’s degree at the local community college, I went to the University of Maine, which was only a little two hours away from home. I was terrified to leave my hometown, but it was a very eye-opening experience, and taught me so much about life, myself, and how I fit into the world.

I earned a scholarship to the University of Maine, which was the main reason for me attending there. There were many obstacles that should have prevented me from going to U of M, but I found my way there in spite of them. I didn’t have a loan or any means of income when I moved there, so I was in search of a job as soon as I drove into town with my parents.

Thankfully, I had a friend, Andi, who had gone up to U of M the year before me. Her roommate had graduated the semester before, so there was a vacancy. Luck was on my side with Andi’s apartment. When we drove up, I realized the apartment complex was right across from the main campus!

Since I was living in close proximity to the campus, my first thought was to get a job on campus. Another one was that I had no vehicle. I had gotten into a car accident a couple of months before graduating from high school, and with our family being so large, we couldn’t get another one. I did mention that I was awarded a scholarship, which was tuition and books only. Hey, I definitely wasn’t complaining, but with the room and board to come up with, it was a tall order for a nineteen-year-old girl to fill.

So here I was in a new city with no vehicle and no job, trying to survive the college life. Sure, Andi would have been happy to drive me to wherever I needed to go, but she had a life too. I didn’t expect that of her, and I knew what my parents would say: Don’t take the easy way out. I smiled to myself as I thought of the many times my dad said that to me.

Even though I didn’t have things all figured out, I learned to be grateful for the opportunity to be independent. My parents clearly believed I was capable of making it in the real world on my own, so I should too.

After doing some research beforehand with my overly concerned parents, we found many opportunities for work. There were several different employment options I could look into. I began going in to each facility and asking for applications and specifics after painstakingly convincing my mom it wouldn’t be a great idea for her to come along with me. There was a position at the library that would have been ideal because I could study when it was slow. I guess everyone had the same idea because the job listing was taken down as soon as I posted my application online.

Next on the list was the recreation room. The hours left a lot to be desired, as it was opened when everyone was out of class. That would leave me with no social life, but I wouldn’t have a life if I didn’t get a job already! Sadly, the position was filled by another student who had been there the year before. I guess she had worked there but didn’t think she was coming back. It was really generous of the manager to honor that history, but it left me in a quandry. My parents offered to stay an extra day to help me find something, but I assured them I would be fine. Mom’s forehead creased into the familiar worry I’d grown to recognize, and I went over to her and hugged her tightly.

It’s okay, Mom. I’ll find something, even if I have to go into . . . I looked at her in mock agony. "The food industry." We both laughed, and I opened her car door for her. Dad was waiting patiently for his hug before getting into the car himself. I could see his strong, tough guy bravado weakening. He kept swallowing and sighed as I reached him. I hugged him tightly and tried to subdue the tears threatening to escape.

You take care of yourself, kid. We’re just a phone call away. We can drive here anytime you need us. He was choking up too, and I could see him wipe a tear as he walked to the other side of the car, though he tried to conceal it. He waved at me and smiled his big, cheesy smile before driving away.

Call you when we get home! Mom said from the rolled-down window, reaching for my hand. I grabbed hers and nodded, smiling through gritted teeth. They’d never leave if the saw me cry.

I watched them until they turned the corner waving and smiling though the rogue tears falling down my cheeks.

Sighing and wiping the tears from my cheeks with my long-sleeved shirt, I opened the door to the apartment. I wasn’t living at home anymore, and the feeling was empowering and frightening in the same instant.

I tried to act like I would do anything to make a living, but the truth was that I was really trying to avoid the whole food industry. I had been in the fast-food burger joint for too long, and I wasn’t feeling nostalgic in the least. Every time I walked on campus though, there was the café, staring at me with its cheesy neon lights. Let’s be real, people. It was a cafeteria, with food line and all. I get that they wanted it to sound more appealing, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck . . .

Job Search

With a heavy sigh, I shrugged my hair behind my shoulders and opened the door to the main building on campus. I had conferred with Andi, and she had friends who had worked in the café in the past and said it wasn’t all that bad. I was out of options. It was either go apply or figure out how to get back home. Since I have never been one to give up or admit defeat, I pushed the door firmly open.

That initial walk into the café was the longest I had taken on that campus. It was quiet, so there weren’t any employees around. I walked around for a few minutes, trying to find someone to talk to. I huffed, already frustrated that I was desperate enough to be in there to begin with. As I turned to leave, I almost ran over a server while I was looking into the seating area. He looked bewildered to see me there.

I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you there, I said, taking a step back.

It’s okay. You didn’t step on me or anything, he said. He was holding a pile of plates on a platter. I felt foolish for not offering to help.

Do you need help with that? It looks heavy.

He puffed his chest out. No, I can handle it myself. As he was turning to walk away, I remembered why I was there in the first place.

As he was starting to walk, I quickened my pace to match his so I wouldn’t be left behind.

I’m trying to get an application to work here. Is the manager here?

He eyed me suspiciously for a second and then nodded.

Yes, he’s here. Come with me, and I’ll get him. I was grateful for his help. Then I remembered I had not even asked his name. My mother would have been so disappointed.

My name is Tierney, but my friends call me Tie. What is your name? I tried to put my hand out to shake his hand, then remembered his hands were occupied and quickly put my hand in my pocket.

He glanced over at me and grumbled, Ryne. Not Ryan, Ryne.

Gotcha. I totally get the whole people pronouncing your name wrong thing. It’s really annoying. He didn’t respond, but I could see his jaw clench. I cleared my throat and asked, How long have you worked here, Ryne? I probably sounded desperate. Honestly, I was.

Three years, he said, putting the tray down on the counter. We had reached the kitchen portion of the café. He wiped his hands on his pants and looked around, probably for the manager.

Wait here, and don’t touch anything, Ryne said and walked away. I obeyed and watched him walk away. He was a thin-framed young man with wild red hair. He didn’t look like he was quite old enough to be in college, especially with three years under his belt. I wonder if he grew up in the area, or if he was even a student. He seemed rough around the edges, but maybe it’s because I almost ran him over.

I waited for what seemed like thirty minutes, but was probably much less. There was not much to look at but the kitchen counters and the enormous pot of potatoes simmering on the stove and temperature logs on the sides of the industrial ovens. I looked at the expansive kitchen, but it only took a second to take it all in. Shiny silver counters, devoid of any sign of ever being used.

Finally, Ryne came out of an office with another man. His name tag and chef hat gave him the persona of Chef Boyardee. As he got closer, the name tag was clearly marked as Don. I was almost disappointed. I gave him the most genuine smile I could muster, though I was cringing inside. This was the last place I wanted to be.

After shaking hands, we exchanged pleasantries. I introduced myself and explained that I was putting myself through college and needed a job. He seemed pleased at that, and kept nodding and smiling at everything I had to say. Did he speak English? What I had to say wasn’t wasn’t exactly enthralling. Maybe he was just a very agreeable person, but it was unnerving. At any rate, I was offered the job and started the next day. Hallelujah! Yes, it was the food industry, but girl’s gotta eat, right?

I thanked Chef Don, and then he led me to the office to get my uniform and name tag made. I hadn’t even filled out an application yet, so I asked him about that, and he gave me the stack of papers and told me to get them back to him when I could. I had a feeling I was going to like Chef Don.

Don fumbled through a few drawers before finding the stack of uniforms. He held up the shirt for me to see, and I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. The uniforms left a lot to be desired.

Apparently they hadn’t ordered new uniforms in a while because they only had one size in stock, double extra-large. Remember, I am an average-built person, so this shirt was almost three times my size. Untucked, it came to the middle of my thigh. I made it a point to never wear shorts to work, because if my shirt came untucked, it would look like that was all I was wearing. To make matters worse, we almost had to wear hairnets. The employees before I got there struck a bargain with the manager, and they agreed on tan caps. Trust me, I am grateful for the hat, but it wasn’t a huge upgrade from the hairnet.

Chef Don asked Ryne to train me. I’m sure he wasn’t too keen on the idea, but I was grateful for a familiar face, even if that face belonged to someone I was not certain liked me.

I must have been terrible to train, because I kept hearing Ryne muffle a heavy sigh during the weeks he was training me. I would forget to put the ice in the salad bar before I brought out the food and have to bring it all back to the kitchen again, or check the temperatures but forget to write them down on the clipboard. There were a lot of things like that. Like I said, he muffled the sighs. What he said to my face was more encouraging, but half-hearted.

I’m sorry, Ryne! I know you could have been done with all this by now, I said as I was putting the salad bar together. We were dumping the ice into the bar.

You’re doing a lot better than you did in the beginning. I couldn’t believe how long you used to take. It was kind of ridiculous actually, he said, pressing his lips in a line.

Wow, thanks for the backhanded compliment, Ryne, I said, straightening and glaring at him.

Don’t be so dramatic. You know what I mean. I’m not good at compliments. That’s probably why I don’t have a social life, he said, focused on making each container perfectly level in the ice.

Oh, come on now. You have to have friends that you hang out with, I said, getting the last of the containers from the cart.

He shook his head without expression. Not really. I come to work, take a couple of classes, and go home. That’s the extent of my life. He straightened and wiped some of the ice that had spilled over the edge.

What are you going to school for? I asked as I finished putting the last of the salad bar containers into the ice. I smiled to myself, realizing that I had come a long way since the first week on the job.

I was going to be an architect, but I’m not sure now. I have this semester of prerequisites left, and then I can go into the program in the spring if I want to. He shrugged and started to wheel the cart back into the kitchen.

I think that’s awesome! You should totally do it! I hadn’t expected that kind of response from Ryne. He usually didn’t divulge much about himself. His usual form of communication seems to be grunting and pointing out my mistakes.

I’m not sure I want to anymore. He shrugged, avoiding eye contact.

I persisted, intrigued. Why not? You said it yourself. You’re so close to getting in. You shouldn’t quit something you love just because it might be hard. I must have hit a nerve, because he clenched his jaw.

Later that night when we had finished our shift, I asked him if he had plans for the weekend. He said he didn’t, so I invited him over to have dinner with Andi and me on Sunday. He grudgingly agreed. I told Andi I had invited Ryne over. She frowned, and then her eyes opened wide.

Why? Oooooooh, are you into him or something? was her first question. She leaned closer to me across the counter in the kitchen.

Andi was always up for hearing all about any new romances. I never had exciting news on that front. She, on the other hand, was always going out on dates. With her thin, athletic frame and fun personality, it was hard to see who wouldn’t want to date her. I think she was just excited to have something other than classes and my glamorous job to talk with me about. We had long since talked about our childhood memories, and you can only reminisce for so long before there’s nothing else to talk about.

I was bewildered by her question, which felt more like an accusation. What? No! I just thought that it would be nice to widen our circle of friends. He’s nice enough and has helped me out a lot at the café. I put air quotes around café as I always do. I was clearly flustered, and Andi backed down a little.

Okay, I’m sorry. I get that, but didn’t you say he doesn’t have any friends? Maybe he just is really awkward. She seemed concerned. Or he really likes you, and doesn’t know how to tell you. She winks.

Whoa! Since when are you anti-social? It is one dinner, and it’s not like we’re making blood pacts. Besides, it has been a long time since we’ve had anyone over. It’ll be fun! I might have been overselling this, but I felt bad for prying into Ryne’s life and wanted to make it up to him.

And he doesn’t like me.

She sighed in resignation and nodded. Sure. What do you want to make? she asked, smiling, forgetting the romance nonsense at once.

There’s my favorite roommate! I said, and she rolled her eyes. I sat on the couch next to her, and we brought up our favorite website and went over a million different options in every aspect of life. We got distracted by glittery things and wardrobe ideas and forgot to decide on even one dish.

Dinner

Sunday came, and it was almost time to start making dinner. I looked at Andi after she asked me what recipe I had decided on. I tried to think, and we both remembered at the same time we hadn’t decided on anything for the dinner that night. We both laughed and looked in the cupboards to see what we could scrounge together.

Thankfully, we are forever stocked up on spaghetti and burrito makings and brownie mix. Since brownies and burritos don’t really mix, we went with spaghetti.

Ryne came at six o’clock on the dot. Great, I thought. He was a punctual dinner guest, and I had just dumped the brownie mix in a bowl as he rang the doorbell. Andi and I looked at each other, both out of breath from trying to get everything together, and laughed. As much as Andi tried to act like she didn’t want to have a guest over, she was excited to meet a new person, especially when that new person was a man.

I sighed and called from the kitchen, Andi, let him in! I’m still working on the brownies! She walked into the room with her arms folded and gave me a death stare.

Okay, I’ll get it. But you’re going to talk to him when he comes in. Deal? I tried to dust off the mix from my shirt. That stuff gets everywhere!

Andi rolled her eyes but nodded. I walked to the door and welcomed Ryne in. He had brought a liter of soda and a small hand-picked bouquet of flowers, tied together with twine. He raised the flowers from his side and offered them to me.

Thanks, Ryne! These are beautiful. I flushed as I took the flowers from Ryne. I hope he didn’t think this was a date. I told him that Andi was going to be here, didn’t I? Suddenly, the ludicrous thought Andi mentioned didn’t seem so off base.

Don’t be weird about it. I was raised never to arrive as a guest empty-handed, and we have a garden in the back, he said, walking into the living room.

I introduced him to Andi and went to the kitchen to find something to put the flowers in. All I could find was an old-fashioned empty glass milk bottle, so that’s where they went. It made the table look so sophisticated, with a rustic feel. I loved it. I smiled at the table and checked the mirror on the wall next to the kitchen to be sure I wasn’t still red. Thankfully, my color returned to normal.

As Ryne and Andi were chatting in the living room, I finished putting the brownies into the oven, set the table, and made the salad. They seemed to be okay in there. Andi is a very friendly person, so it’s easy to talk to her. Just as I was about to go in, I heard Andi’s voice approaching.

I’m just going to check on Tie, to make sure she’s not eating without us!

Ryne laughed easily with Andi.

When she got to the kitchen, Andi grabbed my arm and whisper-shouted at me, This kid is so young! Why did you invite him over again?

I’ve never asked him his age, but I am pretty sure that he’s our age. Why? I thought you were getting along, I whispered back while I pried my arm out of her grasp. She was so strong!

"I’m being polite. He’s so immature. I’ve had to laugh at all his attempts at awful jokes. It’s torture, really." She leaned against the counter and sighed.

Andi, come on. This isn’t supposed to be me setting you up with the most eligible bachelor. It’s dinner with my coworker and friend, I said, giving her a warning glance.

Okay, okay. I’ll behave, I promise. It is just going to be a long dinner.

Then she took a deep breath and walked back into the living room to usher Ryne to the table.

I made sure to be the one to lead the conversation over dinner. Andi was right, Ryne was a little immature, but there was just something about him that I found refreshing. He had ideas about the world that were just so pure and good-natured. It was nice to see him open up. While we were eating and talking, I smelled something burning, and then remembered the brownies.

Oh no! I gasped and jumped out of my chair and ran toward the kitchen. I opened the oven, and smoke poured out. I had to move out of the way. Then the smoke alarm went off. Ryne and Andi had come over by that point, and Ryne grabbed a magazine on the counter and started waving it underneath the smoke detector, so it would stop. Andi just stood there laughing. And not just a little chuckle. She was doubled over, tears forming at the corners of her eyes.

When the alarm finally stopped, I got a good look at the brownies. They were charred and had started to curl up at the edges. They smelled and looked a lot like charcoal. I took them outside and put them on the back porch. I doubted that anyone or any poor critter was going to enjoy those brownies, but they were certainly welcome to them.

As I came back into the house, Ryne and Andi were washing the dishes and laughing quietly.

I know she means well, but I guess she just gets distracted. It was so funny to see her jump up like that all of a sudden! Ryne was saying.

Andi was nodding and silently laughing. I guess I deserved that from Ryne. He had to take the brunt of my forgetfulness at work. But in my defense, it was a new job. Well, not anymore.

I sat at the counter where they were and said, I guess you guys found something to agree on at least. I’ll let you two finish the dishes. They started to laugh again, and I shot them a despairing look that made them stifle their laughter slightly. I went to finish the rest of the spaghetti I left so suddenly.

The rest of the evening consisted of talking about our interests and lives, and a couple of times Ryne and Andi complained that they didn’t have any dessert to eat.

Fine, I said, disappearing into the kitchen. I came out with two glasses of milk and handed them both one. You are welcome to eat the charcoal brownies. That sent another peal of laughter from all of us.

Stupid brownie timer, I said, chuckling and shaking my head.

Don’t blame the kitchen device, Ryne said