Short Stories from Finland

By Matti Tiilikainen

This book gives a straight sight to Finnish soul. What are his feelings, when he lives between two superpowers near polar circle? Well Russia is anyway superpower, other more wanna be... Is there any reason to laugh in Finland, or is it only waste of time? How Finland goes toward absolute equality? How just graduated Master of Arts overcomes unemployment by his innovation? What is the strange recipe to success of female Nadal? Why Finnish tourist lays on concrete though sunbeds are empty? How self-service surgery succeeds in Health Centres? These and many other actual problems are clarified, not so seriously, in 25 short stories from Finland

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Mar 12, 2018
• ISBN: 9781387655670

Book preview

Short Stories from Finland

MATTI TIILIKAINEN

SHORT STORIES FROM FINLAND

PIRKKALA FINLAND 2018

1. Finnish Way of Life

2. Great and Awesome

3. Nature of Laugh

6. Spirit from Estonia

4. Operation Peat

5. Smells and Sensations

7. Toward Equality

8. In the Armpit of Superpowers

9. Education in Eno

10. Two Hungry

11. Duty of Tourist

12. Tennis in Shopping Centre

13. In Global Competition

14. Dream a Little Dream

15. Female Nadal

16. The Beagle Boys

17. Good to Be Gay

18. Making a Monument

19. Modern Times

20. Physical Training Master

21. Polar Night Trip

22. Towel

23. Salary Day

24. Self-Service

25. Plastic Life

1. Finnish Way of Life

It’s in Finnish character to go to extremes. Our forefathers leaved the tropic and walked firmly with their wives and children far north to areas, were it was almost impossible to live. They left behind warm weather and fruits and got frost and bark bread.

Extreme mind has always been visible and will always be in Finnish activities. When we start some project it goes to extremes, maybe to madness. We don’t live in Swedish discussing culture, but in Finnish action culture. If someone questions the action, he will be silenced and displaced. What a fool is official opinion. Here some examples.

First when our forefathers came to Finland they burned forests to get area to agriculture turnips. Two, three years they used the area and went more to east. So they burned all Finland and East Russia.

When the forests were burned Finns attacked to lakes. The surfaces of lakes were lowered to get agricultural area. In the process they spoiled thousands of lakes forever. Most successful was lowering the surface of Höytiäinen in North Karelia. The surface of this big lake felt down ten meters in one day.

About 1950 policy-makers got idea, that swamps are waste areas. They decided that every swamp should grow wood, no matter how wet it was.  Shovels and excavators were taken in use all over the country. What we got? Small areas moderate forests, but mostly scrubby bushes. As a bonus we spoiled again thousands of ponds and lakes by mud which drained to lakes from swamps. Works goes on, though the best trance has gone.

Tools to fall trees developed in the end of last century. Clear-cutting was invented. Millions hectares forests were felt down, not even one deadwood was saved for bird nests. Performance was perfected by ploughing the ground impossible to walk for tens of years. When saplings started to grow defoliants were sowed from helicopters thus poisoning wild berries. The owner of forest, who didn’t accept the method, was publicly defamed and he gets fine for waste of forest.

90’s invention was pipe renovations. Consultants convinced that pipes over twenty years must be renewed. In other countries pipes last for centuries, but not in Finland. Renovations prices are in heaven. If you are forced to do it your condominiums price almost doubles. All owners of condominiums that are over twenty years live in permanent fear. Opposite opinions are not listened, but condominiums management together with renovation firm compel the owner to way of economical misery.

After pipe renovations building companies invented mould houses. Hysterical women were used as evidence. With reddish cheeks and tongue dry they affirm that the reason for their symptoms is mould. It’s useless to assure, that mould is everywhere in nature. We are adapted to live with it thousands of years. No matter that this kind of epidemics don’t exists elsewhere. So have been destroyed thousands of homes, schools, offices, mostly in vain.

A Finnish man normally doesn’t take booze, but works long days in lumbering, log floating and hoeing soil. But when he decides to start drinking, he drinks until he is drunkard crazy. He drives out wife and kids and fights with neighbour and police.  When he sobers up and suffocates the sentence, he continues happy family life, until the moment comes...

Last but not least is taxing. State takes to better use (to bureaucracy) money from people who have earned that with great effort. Long time ago it was only tithes of the church, beard tax and humala tax. Now we enjoy state and municipal tax, church tax, capital tax, heritage tax, value added tax, fuel tax, alcohol tax, cigarette tax, disadvantage tax, birch tax, car tax, transfer of funds tax, electricity tax, solidarity tax, source tax, entertainment tax, property tax... only few to mention.

Government’s main job is to invent new taxes. I have heard from trusty sources that for example dead man tax has planned. Many people try to avoid paying taxes by dying. Fucking tax man is still coming too. It is based on the squeals of neighbours. This tax is waited to give one billion euro to state’s cash in a year.

2. Great and Awesome

Soviet Union! It was the largest country in the world, over ten thousand kilometres long and many thousands kilometres wide. For centuries it has taken many smaller nations under its protective wings, whereof they have been very grateful even up to tears. Unfortunately some of the states have not understood their best, Finland at the head. It did fight forcedly against Soviet Union’s sincere approaching aims. At last Soviet Union even lost its self-confidence, because Finland continuously fended off its aims to approach. The Russians were so frustrated to situation that the country did split to parts. State Russia was born off the residues. It’s still largest country in the world.

Because Finland as a state didn’t show much interest joining Soviet Union, big number of Finnish citizens travelled on their own to the country. Mostly they were communists and workers, Soviet Union was widely known as a Worker’s Paradise. Reception was always kind, accommodation ordered in homey huts with many comrades and with plenty of outdoor