Kicking Out At Two

By Dropkick Depression

Dropkick Depression presents Kicking Out At Two, stories by eight professional wrestlers at different points in their active careers and how they've not only come face to face with the dark world of depression and suicide, but their triumph and continued fight against it. These stories have never been told before, are completely unedited and uncensored, and hope to bring a new awareness to depression and also hopes to show that no one, no matter the circumstance, is alone. We are all in this together.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jan 24, 2017
• ISBN: 9781365703782

Book preview

Thanks

Foreword

The National Institute of Mental Health defines depression as a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. Common. That alone should simply let people know that they aren't alone in suffering from this dark disease, right?

Unfortunately it's just not that simple. Depression has that effect on so many, the feeling of being alone. The feeling that everyone else around you has a good life and you're the only one that's suffering. Some people even think your social status excludes you from the harsh world of dark thoughts and self-hatred.

In the world of professional wrestling, it often gets lost that those inside the squared circle are just like everyone else. Fans often look to wrestlers as stars. They are humans with emotions, people with faults, and individuals with troubles just like everyone else. This project hopes to shed some light inside the ropes and inside the minds of those who grapple between them.

This book is completely unedited and uncensored. These are the real thoughts and feelings from each individual who has decided to speak their minds in hopes that it will help anyone who feels that they're alone or that they can't speak out. Some names have been changed, but the stories remain completely unaltered in their content. Often times the hardest step in depression is speaking out and asking for help or even just acknowledging that you are being affected. Some of those who have participated have never publicly opened up and this is their first time speaking out.

If you are currently suffering from depression, we hope the words following bring some light into your darkness and some hope into your soul.

We are all one family, the human race. We are all here together. You are not alone.

1.

Billy Avery

My name is Anthony Perillo. You may or may not know me as a pasty, scrawny comedy character on the independent scene named Billy Avery. This is my story.

The first time I can ever recall being depressed was when I was in the fifth grade. My grandfather unexpectedly had a serious heart attack that left him in a hospital bed for several weeks. Doctors did not expect him to recover but he eventually did. After school each day, my mother would bring my sister and I to visit him. Seeing my grandfather in such a state made me realize the frailty of human life at a young age. The notion that everyone I loved would eventually die was deeply upsetting to me.

Not long after the setback involving my grandfather, a psychologist diagnosed me with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I essentially became a perfectionist. I can recall several instances in which I broke down crying while in the middle of taking an exam. I was beyond anxious that I would not get good grades. My parents were never hard on me. I just held incredibly high standards for myself.

As I grew older, my depression and anxiety worsened. I remember fantasizing about my death by the time that I was in high school. I hated myself. I hated how I looked. I hated how I thought I was perceived by my peers. I thought dying would be easier than continuing to live how I was. When I was in elementary school, I was the class clown. During my teenage years, I became fearful of saying anything aloud because I did not want to be judged. I just wanted to be invisible.

Watching pro wrestling was one of the few things that made me feel OK. In my eyes, there was something incredibly captivating about watching these larger than life individuals put their bodies on the line for the entertainment of fans. It wasn’t long after I first started tuning into wrestling that I decided I wanted to become a wrestler myself.

In early 2011, I moved from the Boston area to Philadelphia and began training at the Chikara Wrestle Factory under Mike Quackenbush, Claudio Castagnoli and Sara Del Rey at the old ECW Arena. That feeling of stepping into a ring for the first time is one that I will never forget. I was elated to begin my pro wrestling journey. Unfortunately, I was also desperately trying to fight off personal demons.

I believe it was either May or June 2011 when I was hospitalized because I wished for my suicidal ideations to be realized. Long story short, I fell in love and was crushed when I discovered that my best friend shared similar feelings for the same girl. My wrestling training came to an abrupt halt. For years, I had avoided taking antidepressants at all costs because I was frightened of becoming dependent on