Silencing the Cult - A Fun, Practical Guide to Encouraging Republican Idiots to Shut the Hell Up!

By Slayton McDonough

There’s a plague on the planet, and it watches Fox News. Result? Idiot Republicans who just can’t shut up about it. Having been sucked into the modern-day cult version of a once-proud political party, they spend their days funneling right wing swill like a frat boy at a kegger, and thus are forced to ‘relieve’ themselves periodically by spewing their wisdom on hapless, innocent bystanders.
This entertaining and informative work begins with the author’s discovery of the book’s inspiration and mascot, The King of Assholes, and then delves into an occasionally serious, frequently hilarious, and all-too-true dissection of the history and rationale behind the creation and maintenance of the largest, most dangerous, and most annoying cult of all time.
The underlying principle is that all cultists possess an unchangeable mind, and the author explores the idea that reasonable people are more interested in peace and quiet than in arguing futilely with propaganda-poisoned morons.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Vague Direction Publishing
• Release date: Apr 27, 2015
• ISBN: 9780578162225

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Silencing the Cult - A Fun, Practical Guide to Encouraging Republican Idiots to Shut the Hell Up!

Silencing The Cult

A Fun, Practical Guide to Encouraging Republican Idiots to Shut The Hell Up!

Slayton McDonough

Copyright © 2015 by Slayton McDonough

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

First Printing: 2015

ISBN  978-0-578-16222-5

Vague Direction Publishing

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About the Author

Slayton McDonough is a distant relative of the hapless Herbert I. Hi McDunnough, portrayed by Nicholas Cage in the Coen Brothers classic Raising Arizona, and is the namesake of Uncle Slayton, patriarch of the raucous family depicted in songwriter James McMurtry’s monumental saga Choctaw Bingo.  He resides in the United States.

Introduction

I’ll never forget the day I met The King of Assholes.  I was peddling pharmaceuticals in those days, and on this particular day I found myself standing patiently in the back room of a small town clinic, waiting for my chance to talk with the Doc.  She was a very sweet lady, one of our favorites, though I couldn’t help noticing that she seemed a bit uneasy and distracted.  Then I was introduced to her father, who was visiting for lunch.  He was a typical sort – a smug, white, mustachioed blowhard who managed, in the space of maybe four or five minutes, to do something I would never have thought possible:  he invoked the word ‘democrat’ multiple times in spite of being prompted not once on the subject of politics, slowly filling the air with the familiar stench of right wing fanaticism.  The incidents which inspired his odds-defying outbursts were a jammed printer, a temperamental x-ray machine, and a drizzle which threatened to spoil an otherwise pleasant afternoon.  Yes, that’s right - they were, he declared confidently, a ‘democrat printer’, a ‘democrat x-ray’, and a ‘democrat rain’.  I shit you not, those were the actual words he used!  He seemed unable to control himself.

His was a classic case of obsessive/compulsive disorder, but unlike some of the more common examples, which have been known to trigger feelings of shame, pushing the sufferer toward secrecy, this particular wacko was compelled, like a child excited by a new toy, to share his daily ration of right wing bile with the whole world.  Repeatedly, in a fresh, innovative way!  Why wait for opportunity to arise naturally?  Why bother going out of one’s way to loiter at the bar of a local dive, quaff suds, and wait for a chance to exchange small talk with an unsuspecting rube in the next seat, casually shifting the subject toward politics, only to spring the trap by spewing a face full of Fox News puke onto the poor sap who’s just trying to be polite?  Fuck it, says The King, I can’t be bothered with all that - I hate ‘democrats’, and nothing is going to stop me from preaching it, right here and now!  So what if my own daughter is embarrassed by me?  So what if polite society considers me a pariah?  His heart burns with a passion unknown since the time of the Disciples, our King of Assholes, and by God if he gets stuck behind a slow truck on his way home, it’ll be a democrat truck, and the hemorrhoids that plague his bunghole will be democrat hemorrhoids, and the barking dog that awakens him at night will be a democrat dog, and so on it goes...

Admittedly, this guy is a poster child for the affliction that I chronicle in this book, but make no mistake - they are, in one form or another, everywhere, and I’m pretty sure I’ve been plagued by more than my share; some of these people were are so bizarre that you would be tempted to question my honesty were I to give the details, but then again, dear reader, it has happened to you, too.  We suffer together.

This is not (exactly) a book about politics, believe it or not.  If you strip away the political and philosophical overtones of the Republican cultist, what you’re left with is nothing more than a plain old fashioned bully.  Anyone who has ever been bullied knows that all bullies deserve the same thing; a righteous, wholehearted ass kicking.  A good beat down, satisfying in principle, is, however, almost never an option in real life, so I offer my Methods as an alternative.  Funny thing is, when a bully’s only weapon is his big fat mouth, inflicting silence has much the same effect as opening a can of whoop-ass! 

I despise politics with a passion, and have little more than pity and contempt for those who believe that the mysteries of human existence can be neatly explained within the convenient confines of left vs. right, Republican vs. Democrat, blue vs. red, etc., ad nauseam; I couldn’t care less about which end of this spectrum you have been forced by your psychological and emotional metabolism.  Obviously, my targets are the Republicans, but strictly the Republi-‘Tard’ faction; the swollen masses of eager recipients, lining up to be inoculated with the Republican Party’s most current strains of must-have propaganda; the public who guzzle media bullshit like a frat boy with a forty, bingeing and purging like a cheerleader, the Fox News-Limbaugh-O’Reilly-Hannity-type thugs who just....can’t....fucking....shut....up about it.  In this book, I refer to them variously as ‘cultist’, just plain ‘Asshole’ (capitalized in honor of The King), and sometimes ‘soldier’, because they believe they represent the frontline Infantry in some kind of imaginary Republican Army, fighting the good fight against the tyranny of the left. 

This sanity-saving Guide in which you have invested is not designed to change anybody’s mind about anything.  You will find no lectures on All that is Right and Good in our precious, tidy little world of liberalism and secular humanism.  Admittedly, there are more than a few diatribes regarding the various reasons why Reagan was a cancer and the Bush family should be blindfolded and pinned to a bullet-scarred wall, but such specifics are invoked purely in the interest of illuminating a Method.  I am long past the point of giving half a rat’s ass about any of these people, and bashing Republicans is all just preaching to the liberal choir anyway.  Rather, this book aims to promote the premise of a Noise Pollution Abatement Program, or perhaps a mere Guide to Creating a More Peaceful Existence, and nothing more.  Isn’t life noisy enough?  In the home, the workplace, and everywhere in between - don’t we have enough to contend with? 

Hell, there may even exist a few actual Republicans who are fed up with this bullshit, too!  How can this be, you ask?  Believe it or not, considering the tone of the prose which constitutes the majority of this book, not all Republicans are brain damaged, nor are they all members of a cult.  Consider, for example, Republican P. J. O’Rourke, a true genius and one of my all time favorite writers.  He would spot my bullshit a mile away and never fall for any of my tricks (of which none would be warranted anyway, because he’s not a bore).  The existence of non-brain damaged Republicans, however, is of little consolation when you consider that all Republicans vote exactly the same (assuming you believe in Democracy to begin with), so this distinction is of little practical significance when it comes to politics at the level of actual government.

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