Geeks, Babes and Sentient Vegetables: Volume 3: Kicking Sci-Fi in the Roddenberries

By Andrew Mitchell

For those people who loved Star Wars, Star Trek and science fiction in general but don’t take them too seriously. Every science fiction trope and cliché expertly mashed into one tale about a guy, his cat, his secret agent alien dancing girl and a talking 7 foot tall avocado. In the finest traditions of everything that was wrong with Star Wars, Star Trek, Aliens, Transformers and many more movies, television shows and video games all crammed into the day to day adventures of Will Campbell, average minimum wage employee at a miniature golf course. An epic quest across the galaxy filled unreasonable amounts of violence from highly impractical weapons and vague references to every science fiction masterpiece that came before it. Plus some really obscure ones and some no one has heard of before.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Oct 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9781300257851

Andrew Mitchell

Andrew Mitchell obtained his D Phil and a DSc from Oxford and has had an international career in geology. From the early 1960’s to the late 1980’s he was an exploration geologist for the then British Service in Vanu Atu, and in Thailand, Myanmar, Nepal, and the Philippines on Colombo Plan and UN projects. After consulting for various minerals companies in Eastern European and Asian countries from 1990 to 1995, he joined Ivanhoe Myanmar and until 2011 was based in Myanmar responsible for the company’s minerals exploration. He has spent more than half of his career in Myanmar and is familiar with the country’s world-class mineral deposits. He has authored or co-authored about 100 papers on tectonics and mineralization. His first book Mineral Deposits and Global Tectonic Settings (Academic Press, 1981) was followed by Epithermal Gold in the Philippines (Academic Press, 1991).

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Geeks, Babes and Sentient Vegetables: Volume 3: Kicking Sci-Fi in the Roddenberries

Geeks, Babes and Sentient Vegetables: Volume 3: Kicking Sci-Fi in the Roddenberries

by Andrew Mitchell

Copyright © 2012 by Andrew Mitchell and Boom Shadow Productions

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchase

ISBN: 978-1-300-25785-1

Cover Artist: Paul Alexandrescu

Boom Shadow Productions

0403 595 229

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Dedicated to

Copernicus

Prologue

The world is in peril, Gaia the spirit of the Earth can no longer stand the terrible destruction plaguing our planet but sadly she hasn’t actually been written into this story so there will be absolutely no handing out of magic decoder rings themed or otherwise to a diverse bunch of whiney and preachy teenage snowflakes to solve all our problems.

Thanks to every known science fiction plot device and a few borrowed from other genres, the Earth once more just happens to find itself at the focal point of an intergalactic property dispute that has already seen the death of billions, the destruction of countless cultural artifacts as well as many hurt feelings.

Once the sight of the galaxy’s largest reptile theme park, planet Earth may soon be remembered as the planet the doomed all life in the known universe thanks to an as yet unclaimed consignment of snow globes and as is so often the case in these sorts of things the humble yet rather psychopathic upright walking monkey creature known as the human while reduced to being nothing more than squatters on an abandoned amusement park are destined to either be the saviours of the galaxy or the catalysts of its destruction. Somehow, everything traces back to one guy who happened to adopt a cat one day.

William Campbell, mere human and former employee of the Sunshine Tee Putt & Putt miniature golf course establishment and currently humanity’s greatest hope in saving the universe from utter destruction by the adverse use of some theme park gift shop snow globes, at present found himself trapped on the surface of the Moon at an information desk after his current main source of transportation, an overzealous space faring battle mech created from the remains of the MANK, was stolen despite the best efforts of mall security. Further compounding his dire situation was the fact that his up until recently ever expanding list of allies and companions had now shrunk considerably.

As required to show some character growth in the mandatory exploration of the human condition rather than deal with any of the fantastical plot elements that would indeed be far more interesting than once again being reminded of the ongoing propaganda that humans are the almighty virtuous creatures sent to spread the all-knowing and sometimes well-meaning gospel throughout the universe, William has actually started to be somewhat competent and has moved on from just being the usual fish out of water comic foil he was originally intended as being.

This is of course in spite of the obvious evolution short comings ever present in the human that have been continuously pointed out to show just how awesome whatever flavour of the week alien villain is in a hope to build some sort of dramatic tension but can be ignored for the sake of plot device.

RALPH now RALPHIE-X III MANOC shortened to R-X3 for the ease of typing, having been upgraded to a coffee guzzling dynamo equipped with the Reality Cannon, a toilet plunger for a hand with the power to eliminate all contrivances from anything it hits, finally got around to betraying Will and company, taking them completely by surprise without even the slightest warning or recurring gag where he explained his intentions directly. Having reduced Avea Cado to a humble avocado and causing Tsumari to have severe back pain and pretty much remove her ability to walk upright, R-X3 proved that sometimes replacing a perfectly functioning hand with a domestic plumbing tool is sometimes beneficial.

Nurse Synagogue in a mandatory reference to a certain other franchise was revealed to be Tsumari’s father in a shocking plot twist which may or may not highlight a colossal lack of the basic understanding of biology. Regardless of the impossibilities of the situation, Nurse Synagogue was more than willing to treat Tsumari like she was some sort of ginger stepchild because apparently Estrogena-V’s naughty nurse division received slightly more hand to hand combat training than their dancing girl division for reasons that might explain why Tsuamri was forced to hire a mercenary talking avocado.

Tsumari now suffering from the after effects of the laws of physics now being applied to her was forced to don a somewhat copyright infringing suit of green battle armour. Whilst it restored her ability to walk upright and cure her of her chronic back pain she no longer commanded the same amount of attention and respect from her male crewmates and could also no longer rely on her cleavage to house any McGuffin plot device.

Avea having been transformed into an avocado could neither say or do anything at this present moment in time and was now also cursed with having the shelf life of an ordinary avocado so if not properly refrigerated, he would no doubt spoil, further reducing his effectiveness in combat.

Zannix the often forgotten about only to be reintroduced when needed henchmen of R-X3, having gone through a couple of personality shifts to suit whatever the plot required of him was now in possession of William’s cat Brindamour who apparently was still the key to whatever motivation there was for this entire mess unfolding.

Spuckler was still dead from the super zombie Elvis impersonator attack under the command of Roman Emperor Nero caused by the mandatory malfunctioning holo enclosed patio. This tragedy however was not without its merits as at the same time Tsumari discovered that she could play the mandolin

Marvis who had he not been bronzed would have sought to polish the now bronzed excessively hairy dwarf who was dressed as a French maid. Alas he had been bronzed and was now cursed to be covered in a thin layer of dust.

In the ever decreasing odds of Will’s survival, every previously mentioned vehicle or space station of semi importance was now being folded and snapped together into one ginormous killer robot just above Earth’s atmosphere as it would seem every organization Will had previously encountered was in truth always working together in some sort of great conspiracy.

This technological nightmare of unbelievably destructive power, no doubt described as some sort of weather balloon phenomenon by the psychotic ape creatures of Earth, was under the command of the Su brothers, whose motivations also seemed to change as the plot required, going so far as to ignore their long standing rivalry for the sake of this shocking plot twist, but would happily smite humanity regardless of their overall objective. So regardless of their true objective it is in fact a really bad time to be an Earthbound upright walking balding psychotic ape creature squatting in the world’s largest reptilian theme park.

Meanwhile, Brindamour, the emerald green cat, feline ambassador to Earth/Lizardorama and on again off again main focus of everyone’s hopes, dreams and evil plans was blissfully ignoring everything in the universe as he was quite content to just continue to nap on the neatly folded remains of Avea’s cape/Tsumari’s pants.

1. Arrivals, Introductions & Quick Exits

Will turned his head and looked longingly at Tsumari and then his eyes wandered down her suit of green battle armour. With her every curve and inch of bare skin now housed in a genderless suit of unflattering battle armour that cruelly left absolutely everything up to the imagination, Will cursed his years spent in front of the television that had robbed him of any ability to formulate or imagine any sort of imagery outside that which the spoon feeding medium issued forth. He sighed and looked out the window again.

This must be really serious if we are will to sacrifice marketability for the sake of practicality. Will muttered.

Yes, it is time we all realized that no matter how hot you like in skimpy outfits, you actually need muscle mass if you want to battle the forces of evil and despite what your movie posters tell you, cleavage is in fact a structural weakness when it comes to battle armour. Tsumari replied with a lamenting sigh knowing full well that the emerald green armour did in fact make her butt look big.

They continued to stare out the window as the sizable metal robot monster made from all the referenced vehicles, ships and space stations mentioned previously, that if released as a toy line, would no doubt be sold separately and greatly inflated prices. Will of course didn’t have time to worry about whether or not he would achieve immortality as an action figure, fully poseable or otherwise, Will quite rationally was more worried about the fact the previously described vehicles with their stupid amounts of firepower were steadily being turned into one giant Voltronesque monstrosity. With the Earth and the entire human race in peril, Will devised a ploy that might just improve his standing in the chance that maybe one day Tsumari wouldn’t see him or his DNA as a detriment to life in the universe.

The Earth is in danger! We must stop the Su brothers once and for all. Will stated with a clenched fist.

That is a commendable stance Billiam but if you haven’t noticed already we are running chronically short of friends. Tsumari replied.

Both Will and Tsumari suddenly turned to Carm, who was once more manning the information desk. Carm stopped twiddling his thumbs and raised an eyebrow like he was a professional wrestler.

Can I help you? Carm asked cautiously.

Ever felt the need to hang up your information desk hat and join up with some complete strangers on a life or death adventure to save the universe. Will asked like he was marine recruiter.

Carm looked around at Avea, Marvis and Spuckler who had for the sake of this shot had been arranged like they were cinematic landmarks of London, England. Questioning the potential career advancement of his current position and then the average life expectancy of anyone who decides to team up with William, Carm figured that regardless of his choice he would no doubt get shot two days from retirement anyway but at least he could live the knowledge that he wasn’t just an NPC but a recruitable party member.

Okay… Carm stated the nanosecond before he was sniped from afar like he was just some sort spot filling extra just hanging around until the plot decided it was time to insert a more developed character.

Noob! A displaced voiced shouted from behind a headset.

Will screamed as Carm hit the information desk and thus causing another bell to be squashed. Tsumari grabbed Will and ran for cover lest they be picked off by sniper fire and be subjected to noob taunts of their own.

Billiam just keep your head down and whatever you do, if you have to run, do not start jumping up and down and attempt to strafe anyone! Tsumari ordered.

Funny, bunny hopping sounds like a perfectly sensible strategy when faced with a superiorly armed forced. Odrac chimed in. It works in nearly every simulation.

Shut up Odrac! Don’t be giving Billiam any stupid ideas that will somehow negatively impact on his ability to save the universe. Tsumari snapped.

Will was still having some trouble coming to terms with the untimely death of someone he had just met and was unable to brush this aside like it was just another random death of a long serving crewmate.

This isn’t meant to happen; we’ve done the dark gloomy section already. No one is meant to die! This is supposed to be the warm friendly family adventure where the galaxy gets saved by teddy bears! Will ranted with hysterics.

An ominous military force, that in no way was a thinly veiled allegory to Nazis, wearing black leather outfits and motorcycle helmets with tinted visors marched into the information centre and stood in formation holding their futurey guns that were in no way just contemporary firearms with just a few pretentious bits of plastic glued on. The one member of this military force not wearing a motor cycle helmet and sporting the mandatory slicked back haircut and machismo beard stubble, stepped forward and unrolled a scroll of parchment.

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