The Nutty Years of the Jon Stewart Presidency In a Nutshell

By Beth Schaefer

This mock term paper is the highlight of Beth Schaefer's book Grade A Papers: The Slap Stack. This satirical essay pokes harmless, wacky fun at both political parties and a slew of celebrities. The essay is stocked with wordplay. Includes two bonus papers:
“Make No Room for Kids: Bells Ding for Online Classes K-8” (a composition theorist parody from Grade A Papers: The Slap Stack)
and
“My Flesh is My Blanket Inside Which I Hide” (a humorous historical term paper all patriotic Americans will adore)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Books On A Whim, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 14, 2014
• ISBN: 9780578144672

Book preview

The Nutty Years of the Jon Stewart Presidency In a Nutshell

The Nutty Years of the Jon Stewart Presidency In a Nutshell

By

Beth Schaefer

Copyright © 2014, Beth Schaefer

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-0-578-14467-2

Introduction

I hold the Guinness Record for writing 40,000 jokes. Beth Schaefer has put more than that in one book…and I think she may have more funny ones.

~Joe Martin

American Cartoonist (Washington Post’s Mr. Boffo, Willy n’ Ethel)

Dedication

This term paper is dedicated to my A-list sister, Jenny.

Your happiness means a world to me.

Part I

Edison Bell:   Summer 2016

Composition Class:    Term Paper

Lake Forest College

Professor Edward Schaefer

The Nutty Years of the Jon Stewart Presidency in a Nutshell

(2012-2016)

Part I

OBAMA RESIGNS TO HAWAII

Obama Brushes off Birth Certificate

No American citizen or undocumented immigrant will forget the stupefying discovery of former President Barack Obama’ Certificate of Naissance.

Who could have guessed that forensic archeologists on a transpolar treasure hunt would unearth a flimsy rectangular document, its frozen watermark preserved. With the deployment of a protractor, ice pick and tweezers, the scientists plucked the certificate in its pristine state.

While point of conception is debatable, Obama’s birth did not take place in the state of Hawaii. His birth took place at geodetic latitude 90° North at the North Pole, which the scientists’ treasure map pinpointed as the exact location of Santa’s dismantled Workshop.

Obama’s birth transpired long before Santa’s Workshop was procured by K-Mart Corporation in the infamous acquisition of 1987 before their Blue Light Specials went LED.

The Obama Administration denied the authenticity of the snowy certificate. They brushed it off as some prop planted for a reality show like The Amazing Race or The Apprentice.

But the FBI (Federal Bureau of Insinuators) flew in a medium who substantiated that Obama, indeed, was born in Santa’s Workshop.

The medium affirmed, I sense his presents. Polarized by the public, a despondent Obama withdrew from office.

However, he made a symbolic gesture in 2013 by moving to Hawaii to shoot hoops and skeet. Obama founded HULA (The Hungry Unicorns Live Association), a non-profit that raises funds and educates people on the existence and famine of unicorns.

The First Lady Thrusts

Obama’s wife, former first lady Michelle, kept her presence public too. After the North Pole fiasco, Mrs. Obama drew awareness and crowds to her new fitness campaign: A revival of Jane Fonda’s popular 1982 exercise videotape Workout.

Mrs. Obama introduced Workout to middle schools to bolster fitness and herald the historical significance of the VHS. Schools across the nation mandatorily integrated Workout into their gym programs.

Conservatives were majorly P.E.-ed off, and didn’t take it sitting down. Their allegation: Parents have the right to opt their kids out of gym class whenever the video plays. They cited the suggestive contortions of the Buttocks Thrust—Fonda reclined on her back, heaving her buttocks up and down—as corruptive.

Meanwhile, gym teachers (who bi-nature lean liberally) insisted their thrusts were innocent. Students are strengthening their largest bipartisan muscle, was the gym teachers’ unanimous rebuttal. Both sides must support the other. We must not simply be fair-weather ends.

After a buddy battle, the Republicans’ argument was deemed a tighter means to an end. Gym teachers admitted defeat, consoling themselves with lots of socks in sneakers.

A RESURRECTED ELECTION

Republicans did not claim victory, however, in the presidential battle of 2012—although both sides boasted formidable opponents.

On the right: Santorum. Perry. Bachmann. Romney. (Rumor had it Sarah Palin was planning to steak another slab at running, but these rumors proved ungrounded. Wary of reentering the spotlight, Palin moved to behind-the-scenes show business, accepting a role as Laura Palmer’s speech coach in the 2014 revival of Twin Peaks: Cooper Bobs for Answers.)

On the left: Clinton. Clinton. Clooney. Stewart. (Former Vice President Joe Biden, it’s said, did not reflect upon a run as leading man.

When Obama resigned, Biden suffered a complex stemming back to his failed Democratic Primary run for President in ’88 when he was caught plagiarizing Dr. Seuss’s Horton Hears a Who. So, Biden chose not to run for president in ‘12, disappointing himself as a running mate hopeful.)

Republican Primary

Rick Santorum only lasted one month in the primaries due to his sickening trash talk. (He caught a bronchial infection while stumping at the town dump, and admitted himself into Der Zauberberg Sanatorium in Switzerland for convalescence.)

Rick Perry did not last much longer. Perry was removed from the ballot on the grounds of his unknown geographical whereabouts. Investigators confirm, however, that Perry is alive and well and living in 4414 BC.

The last time Perry was seen by modern man was March 2, 2012. He was boarding a time machine at Cape Canaveral, making a bold move to travel back in time to substantiate Creationism. Perry, the sole passenger on "Flight H.G. Well-Why-Not," evaporated with his vessel at launch.

Mrs. Anita Perry received a postcard on July 4, 2012 that read: Hee haw! This is unf***ing-believable. It’s like fireworks down here every single night with pistols, pagans, pushies, pullies, and all kinds of crazy s**t. And there are no f***ing monkeys, eat that Dems. Miss you babe, Your Perr-Bear. On the front: a photo of a Piña Colada against a sunset with Wish you were beer! written in cursive.

And so the Republican Primary fizzled down to a heated friendly fire between two.

Michelle Bachmann yearned to become the first Woman president. Mitt Romney aspired to become the first Mormon president.

He lashed out that putting the fe before the male is like putting the tart before the horse. Bachmann lashed back that Mormons