No Matter What: Dealing with Adversity in Sobriety

By AA Grapevine

From Grapevine, the international journal of Alcoholics Anonymous, inspirational stories about living with and overcoming adversity

All recovering alcoholics have had to deal with adversity in their sobriety: a serious illness, an ugly divorce, the death of a child, the loss of a house to fire or to the bank. Despite the fear, pain or self-pity that arise when tragedy strikes, drinking is not an option.

It’s important to remember that some things are in our power to change; others we have to simply accept. The men and women whose powerful essays were selected for this collection follow both of those paths. Through reflection and meditation, making use of one or more of the Twelve Steps, or working with others, each is able to reckon with the adversity in their lives.

These stories of strength and hope show the diverse ways that AA members use the tools of the program and embrace the Fellowship during tough times.

No Matter What offers comfort and hope to readers—whatever trials and tribulations they face.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AA Grapevine
• Release date: Aug 25, 2013
• ISBN: 9781938413261

Book preview

AA Preamble

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women

who share their experience, strength and hope

with each other that they may solve their common problem

and help others to recover from alcoholism.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

There are no dues or fees for AA membership;

we are self-supporting through our own contributions.

AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization

or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy,

neither endorses nor opposes any causes.

Our primary purpose is to stay sober

and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

©AA Grapevine, Inc.

AA Preamble

Welcome

---

PART ONE: PHYSICAL ADVERSITY

---

CHAPTER ONE: Accepting the Unacceptable

AAs share how they cope with persistent pain or lingering illness

Stumbling Block to Stepping-Stone February 2007

No Reason to Drink February 1995

The Littlest Things May 1997

Loving Arms November 2004

The Courage of Friends May 2005

Only Love Has Meaning June 1989

At My Age March 2009

CHAPTER TWO: My Greatest Fear so Far

Members who are deaf, blind, or otherwise disabled do whatever it takes to get to meetings, stay sober, and carry the message

Speak Up! September 2010

An Inner Truth May 2007

Wills and Ways December 2006

The Hand of AA February 2000

No Need to Be Alone October 1990

An Important Secret July 2001

Blindsided April 2010

---

PART TWO: EMOTIONAL ADVERSITY

---

CHAPTER THREE: Life Will Keep on Happening

Seeking help for their fear, anxiety, depression, or mental illness helped these alcoholics move forward in recovery

Unreasonable Fears July 2010

Many Do Recover April 2004

Living Life Forward October 2005

Life—It Happens May 2005

A New Perspective February 2006

Falling Apart on the Inside April 2005

An Outside Issue? October 2005

CHAPTER FOUR: Not in My Lifeboat:When Love and Tolerance Fail Us

Letting go of resentments and judgments about fellow AAs

The Watering Hole September 2003

Shake My Hand December 2010

Memoirs of a Black AA August 1985

Sinking Fast May 2010

Another Story January 2004

A Plea for Love and Tolerance April 1999

At Home in a Home Group February 1991

Babies Are Not Us? March 2010

CHAPTER FIVE: To Love and Be Loved

Members reach out for help—and to help others—when heartache and loneliness threaten to shatter their sobriety

Self-Support July 2007

Life, Not Regrets July 2007

Love and Death—One Day at a Time February 2003

Riding It Out July 1997

Adult Love January 2004

In the Center of Sorrow February 2007

Gruff Love October 2006

---

PART THREE: FINANCIAL ADVERSITY

---

CHAPTER SIX: Paycheck to Paycheck, Meeting to Meeting

Unemployed AAs hold on to hope and the Fellowship one day at a time

Fired Up! September 2010

Out of Work, But Not Hope December 2000

Through the Darkest Days May 2005

Eyeliner, Anyone? July 2004

The Phone Fix December 2001

Dependence on His Higher Power Led Him to a Greater Sense of Independence October 1979

Lifetime Dream March 2010

CHAPTER SEVEN: Sober, Grateful, Broke

The big and small coincidences (or maybe miracles) that carry recovering alcoholics through tough economic times

Tax Man December 2009

New Boots March 2010

No Spares October 2010

Gimme Shelter March 2010

The Trap Door August 1996

The Woman in the Mirror June 1998

---

PART FOUR: SPIRITUAL ADVERSITY

---

CHAPTER EIGHT: The End of the Journey

Realizing that their days are soon drawing to a close, these AAs reaffirm their desire to stay sober

Just an Attitude April 2002

Living Sober, Dying Sober September 2004

Serenity Garden September 2010

Grace and Dignity September 2004

No Excuse to Drink August 1996

Another Chance June 2003

Living Sober April 2001

CHAPTER NINE: Through Many Dark Valleys

Money problems, health problems, relationship problems—AAs have the tools to face any adversity life hands them

Size 8, Extra Wide January 2001

A Life Without Problems May 2007

A Great Loss Made Him Even More Grateful for AA February 1980

Fire in the Holler October 1987

How the Universe Works November 2006

A Horse Named Zachary February 2004

The Care of God December 1999

Relief Pitcher February 2007

My Best Day Sober December 2000

Twelve Steps

Twelve Traditions

About AA Grapevine

Welcome

---

We have seen AAs suffer lingering and fatal illness with little complaint, and often in good cheer. … We have some members who never seem to get on their feet moneywise, and still others who encounter heavy financial reverses. Ordinarily we see these situations met with fortitude and faith.

— Essay on Step Twelve, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

All recovering alcoholics have had to deal with adversity at multiple points in sobriety. Defined as a state of hardship or affliction, adversity could be an ugly divorce, the death of a child, the loss of a house to fire (or to the bank), or the discovery that you have a serious illness. Despite the pain we are in when these tragedies strike, drinking is not an option. We cannot drink again, as it would only lead to worse calamity. For those who have gone through the Twelve Steps, perhaps two or more times, the answers should be obvious: We talk to our sponsor or other AAs. We go to more meetings. We turn it over to our Higher Power, however we define he, she, it or they. We help another alcoholic. Does it work?

AA co-founder Bill W., sober for about 17 years by the time he penned Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, knew all too well the ups and downs of a sober life. In his essay on Step Twelve, he wrote: "How shall we come to terms with seeming failure or success? Can we now accept and adjust to either without despair or pride? Can we accept poverty, sickness, loneliness, and bereavement with courage and serenity? Can we steadfastly content ourselves with the humbler, yet sometimes more durable, satisfactions when the brighter, more glittering achievements are denied us?

The AA answer to these questions about living is ‘Yes, all of these things are possible.’ We know this because we see monotony, pain, and even calamity turned to good use by those who keep on trying to practice AA’s Twelve Steps, he continued. Of course all AAs, even the best, fall far short of such achievements as a consistent thing. Without necessarily taking that first drink, we often get quite far off the beam.

As the stories in this collection show, it is not just outside forces that spell adversity. Often the alcoholic’s trouble is of his own making—a resentment that won’t die, a bout of self-pity over not having a partner, a desire for revenge that the member cannot seem to extinguish. Or it is an untreated emotional difficulty coming to the surface, letting the AA know she must finally swallow her pride and seek help.

Some things are in our power to change; others we have to simply accept. The AAs in the stories that follow have taken both paths. Some situations are very difficult to change, and if it’s acceptance that’s needed, acceptance might be a long time coming. But through prayer and meditation, making use of a particular Step, or working with others, each member finally reckons with his adversity.

PART ONE:

PHYSICAL ADVERSITY

---

CHAPTER ONE

Accepting the Unacceptable

AAs share how they cope with persistent pain or lingering illness

Chronic illness and near-constant pain can whittle away the spirit of even the most positive, loving and accepting AA member. Some write about the despair and hopelessness they felt upon learning of their condition. One member, dealing with a painful permanent condition, prayed about it, asking God if this was his idea of a sadistic joke. Another, considering suicide when her condition worsened, raged at her Higher Power, asking if he’d abandoned her. As time moved on, some got a little better and their pain was eased. But others simply took their illness one day at a time, staying close to AA and finding ways to remain useful, active members.

Stumbling Block to Stepping-Stone February 2007

With a new associate’s degree in human services, Army training as a behavioral science specialist, and three years of experience as a counselor, I was ready.

But just as I began sending resumes to prospective employers, I became permanently disabled with a condition that frequently confines me to bed. After about two hours, I must take medication my doctor prescribes or pain forces me back into bed. I can spend about twenty minutes at the computer.

I know the God of my understanding has a sense of humor; I’ve seen examples all of my life, but didn’t recognize it until I got sober. So when I prayed, I said, If this is your idea of a joke, it’s sadistic. (Poor me, poor me.) Father, did you really carry me all this way just to drop me? It didn’t sound like the God of my understanding.

I continued with my poor me attitude for a while, hoping that medical treatment would help me get back to work. I spent—or wasted—about six months with this mind-set and let my character defects run the show.

While meditating one afternoon, I remembered some advice given by the late actor Bruce Lee: Turn the stumbling block into a stepping-stone.

I examined my motives. Had I chosen the human services field for recognition? Was I looking to inflate my ego? Or did I have an honest desire to help those in need? I thought about my time as a counselor in the army. Although I frequently received commendations, I realized that my real reward came the moment I saw the light of hope replace the look of despair in a soldier’s eyes.

I prayed and meditated again, asking God for direction. How could I serve his will rather than my own?

That same night, I got a phone call from a longtime acquaintance in the Fellowship. It was three o’clock in the morning, and she was in a hopeless state of despair. I got dressed and drove to her house. We sat at her kitchen table and talked for more than three hours. Now, that’s what I call a fast response from my Higher Power!

I suddenly understood that even in bed I could answer my phone. I knew our local AA hotline had trouble getting volunteers. Calls were forwarded from the intergroup office to a member’s home phone, or even a cell phone. Because I wasn’t working, I was available twenty-four hours a day.

I got a glimpse of God’s will for me: I could be a hand of AA. I made it known—especially to newcomers—that I was available twenty-four hours a day. Happily, I reached out to newcomers, sponsees, and even some of those who had been sober for a few twenty-four hours.

Not only do I feel useful and productive again, I also feel that I am carrying out God’s will, which is not too different from my own. Sometimes we get what we ask for, but not always in the way we imagine. The stumbling block of an inability to work became a stepping-stone to doing what I love best—helping those in a state of crisis.

If I have learned anything from this experience, it’s to have faith and look for clues to the will of my Higher Power. I also need to keep my ego out of the way and let God drive the bus. I do it one day at a time, one step at a time—even if the stepping-stone at first looks like a stumbling block.

ED S.

Scranton, Pennsylvania

No Reason to Drink February 1995

(From Dear Grapevine)

I’ve been in AA for nearly two years. In the beginning, I couldn’t understand why people were always saying that they were sober by the grace of God. Now, after going through some rough times, I’ve learned a lot.

In June of 1994, I got very sick and found out I had full-blown AIDS; I had not known I was HIV positive. I lost weight rapidly, going from 168 to 139 pounds in two weeks. At that point, the Third Step came to me right away. I turned my life and will over to the care of God as I understood him. And you know, things do get better.

Now I have two diseases, one being alcoholism and the other being AIDS. But there is still no reason for me to drink!

LARRY E.

Pahrump, Nevada

The Littlest Things May 1997

(Excerpt)

When I poured out my last bottle—what I pray was my last bottle—I again trembled with fear. In my heart,

Reviews for No Matter What

[Debi Surber · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Read with a book club, and I really enjoyed all of the stories.