How to Drown

By CC Celeste

Heart-wrenching and honest – a teen girl's struggle with her mental health and finding herself.

 

Iris Lanken, a high-school junior just trying to get to graduation, witnesses a traumatic suicide at her school that changes her life forever. Now, with the help of her close friends, Iris sets out to advise her peers while dealing with her own depression and PTSD. But will she be able to find her voice when it matters the most?

 

CC Celeste's debut YA novel addresses a taboo issue with riveting and emotional storytelling.

• Language: English
• Publisher: CC Celeste
• Release date: Dec 19, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393018964

Book preview

1.  Rainbows.

7/27:

I hate rainbows.

They just don’t make sense.

We are taught from childhood that rain is bad, nasty, and an unpleasant necessity while rainbows represent beauty, love, and all the good in the world. We see the downpour imitate the tears of the main protagonist in our favorite movies. Storms always lead to tragedy. We’re told that the rainbow makes up for the rain. It shines and signifies that all will be well after all, that good days will follow the bad.

Bullshit. See, I can feel the rain. I feel it when it’s dripping on my skin, conditioning my hair with grime from unfamiliar oceans, and I can hear it pound against the ground. But a rainbow? I can only see that. Barely. And the closer I try to get to it, the farther away it becomes. If it represents happiness then why is it impossible to reach, impossible to touch? Impossible to bathe in. Why is it an illusion? Or mirage, or whatever. A rainbow is nothing but false hope.

Iris closed her notebook and put down her pen. She wished it was still raining. Something about the steady beating of the rain against her window relaxed her, and it wasn’t until it stopped did she realize that. She closed the blinds to block out her view of the rainbow.

Iris! her father’s voice barely made it up the stairs. She went down and found him sitting on the living room sofa watching a football game in a tee shirt and jeans while eating a sandwich, which reminded her that she hadn’t eaten all day. She watched him until he was ready to speak again. You’ve been sitting up there in that room doing nothing all summer. There’s only two weeks before you’re a junior and you’ve done absolutely nothing productive. Why don’t you go outside or something?

She looked at him with contempt. It’s funny, she thought, how occasionally saying meaningless statements like these could make a person feel like a good parent. Little did he care to know, she had been very productive this summer. She had finished her summer reading assignments, eaten healthy, mastered the art of liquid eyeliner, and written so many poems that she had almost filled two notebooks.

Little girl.

She silently approved his attempt at being stern with her. Occasionally, on especially boring commercials or when it came time to clean the house, her dad remembered that she existed and would have a go at discipline. The only problem was that his efforts were always too late. She had written in her journal once about a time when she was eight and her dad called her into the living room to tell her that she needed to start reading for an hour a day outside of school for practice. This would have been good advice had she not already been reading three grade levels ahead of her class at the time. Since she had learned to read, that had been all she ever did and somehow, her father hadn’t known that. Iris snapped back to the present.

Outside, now.

She walked back upstairs to grab her notebook and a pen before heading out of the door. Her dad probably hadn’t even noticed the rain earlier, or he wouldn’t have made her go out in its aftermath. She wondered where she should go, this not being the first time she’d been forced to go outside. Her mother used to do so also, hoping that she would go and make friends with the neighborhood kids. Iris would only walk down the road to the neighborhood playground, sit down on a secluded patch of grass, and either read, write, or watch the other kids play. Her mother had stopped sending her at age 13, yet here she was in the same boat again at 17 because of her dad’s cluelessness.

She had never experienced playing on any type of playground equipment, having always preferred to spend school recesses indoors by herself and family park days riding her bike as far as she could until her legs gave out and her mom had to carry her back to the car. She decided to head to the playground after coming to the conclusion that it was bound to be empty since everything was now wet.

As she turned in the direction of the playground, she noticed the color-segregated vomit in the sky. She heard God’s laugh in the thunder that followed. With the intentions of ignoring it, she tried to turn away from the rainbow and found that she couldn’t. Something about it was mesmerizing, beckoning her. She shook her head. Sure, I’ll play. she said into the sky. Iris walked through puddles on the damp neighborhood street, keeping her eye on the moving mirage to make sure she didn’t lose it, its many colors reflected in her brown eyes. She couldn’t believe she was literally chasing a rainbow. It led her past a dead end sign and behind the light pink house that marked the edge of her neighborhood. She then found herself on a barely noticeable dirt (well, mud) road surrounded by wet grass and scattered trees. She kept walking for at least 20 minutes before she came to a clearing with a dirty pond in the middle that had to have a diameter of eight feet at the most. She studied the rippling brown water that was slowly receding after being flooded by the rain.

When she looked up again, the rainbow had disappeared.

Ok then... she wondered out loud, walking around the pond. The sight of a small multicolored fish stuck in the mud interrupted her speech because if she hadn’t noticed it, she would have stepped on it. Iris crouched down to get a better look. It was still living. Its small gills were flapping and its chest was heaving with every deadly intake of air. The flooding of the pond must have pushed it out of its home.

She studied the way the fish’s pale scales went through every color in the spectrum from the red of its head to the purple of its tail. She saw the sad, dark eyes watching her, but not pleading with her. She tucked her notebook and pen down under her armpit and, having sympathy for the poor animal, she ignored her body’s rejection to its touch and gently placed the fish back into the dirty water.

She had to get on her hands and knees to get close enough to the water to be able to see inside. She saw the fish swim away from her slowly, sadly. She had half expected some show of gratitude. Ungrateful little fish, She muttered. Next time just die and see if anyone cares about you. Already being dirty, she decided to just sit down in the muddy grass next to the pond and rest before heading back home. Her stomach growled. She looked into the clear sky. Now what?  She asked God.  No response. Iris threw a ball of mud into the settling pond. Not only was it a long walk back home, but she hadn’t even been inspired to write anything.

She decided to write a description of the pond. She put her hand into the murky water to wash off the mud and grabbed her damp notebook and pen. Everything that Iris could see, she made into words. The sun setting, the potato-shaped pond, the scattered trees, and a small shape in the water that could possibly be the fish she saved. Or maybe a different fish. It was hard to tell what lived in the water on a day like this. Once she was finished, she stood up to begin her journey back to the house.

What did you do, roll around in the mud? he asked once she was back inside. I hope you didn’t walk in here with muddy shoes on.

I saved a life. she responded.

Didn’t it feel good to get some fresh air? her dad’s attention was back on the television.

I found this little fish in a pond outside of the neighborhood. Don’t you think it’s weird that there’s a fish in the middle of nowhere? Like... one of the ones you would get at the pet store. Wouldn’t someone have to have put it there?

Yea. Sounds like fun. he said distractedly. Go shower, your mom should be coming home with dinner in a second.

Why’s she so late? I thought work ended at 5.

What is number 44 doing? he yelled at the game, ignoring her. He needs to be taken out of the game. If I was coaching...

Iris gave up and trudged up the stairs to the bathroom. As she washed her hands in the sink, she watched herself in the mirror. The humidity had attacked her short black hair and won, causing it to be puffy and close to the level of an afro. There was nothing remarkable about her face except for her full, above average sized lips that she couldn’t stand. She didn’t hate them exactly, she simply saw them as a blemish that just wouldn’t go away. She was annoyed by them. It wasn’t necessary, she thought. Quiet people should have small mouths, and loud people should have big mouths. That’s how it should be. The Iris in the mirror would never reflect the girl she thought she was.

Suddenly, she heard her phone make a noise from her room that she hadn’t heard all summer. Someone was calling her. She stood in the doorway for a second, puzzled. Everyone she ever needed to talk to would’ve texted her. It must be some distant relative, she concluded, who wants to know what she wants for her birthday in three months. She finally answered.

Heyyyyyyy, best friend! a voice sang out through the phone. It was Kara.

Kara? she asked rhetorically. Whose number is this?

I’m on my cousin’s phone, Kara began to explain. Cuz I lost mine yesterday at Lynsie’s party. I bet one those ratchet girls stole it though. It was either Erica or Kayla. I know that for a fact. But Lynsie would never snitch on one of her girls so... I guess I’ll never know. Anyway, what’s up with you? You haven’t even texted me since the beginning of June.

Kara was half the reason Iris hated phone calls. That girl could talk for weeks nonstop.

I’ve been fine, Iris replied. Just chillin. Writing. Reading.

Oh great, so you’re free! Kara assumed.

Um...

Imma pick you up at like 9, ok? Ask your mom.

Wait, where are we going?

You’re comin’ with me and my cousin and some friends to the bowling alley.

I am?

You have to! I need someone I know with me so I don’t feel lame with all my cousin’s friends. You probably need to get out of the house anyway. I know you’re sick of being cooped up in your room all day. We haven’t hung out since school, and you’re supposed to be my best friend!

But I...

Please! Iris could visualize Kara’s pleading face even though she couldn’t see it. The image softened her heart.

I’ll ask. she said, giving in. No promises though.

Perfect! Kara practically screamed. Thanks, love you, bye!

When the call ended, Iris flopped down on her bed like a fish and sighed deeply. She hoped that her parents would say no. Kara really was her best friend, but something in the back of her mind told her that this night wasn’t going to end well. She ventured back down stairs and found her mother home, clutching bags of food.

Were you just on the phone? her mom asked her as her words of greeting.

That was Kara.

Oh, how’s she been?

Fine. She uh... she invited me to go bowling with her and some other people in like an hour but...

Really? her mom interrupted. That’s cool of her. Y’all haven’t hung out all summer. You wanna eat first? I bought King Pao.

Sure. Iris sighed. She texted the confirmation of their plans to Kara while she shoveled the long awaited food into her mouth. Then she showered, put on reasonable clothes, and worked a little bit of eyeliner magic.

Kara promised to be there at 9, so naturally it was 9:37 when she finally arrived at the front door with a black beanie covering her light brown forehead, a fitted tee shirt, and skinny jeans that must’ve had no pockets since she was holding both her wallet and phone in her hands. She stumbled in the doorway, looking bewildered for a second before regaining her composure.

Nice hair, Iris complimented the wavy blonde extensions that stopped a little past her shoulders. But it’s summer. She pointed to the hat.

Girl I know! Kara dropped her voice to a whisper. My edges are somethin’ serious. I’ve had these same tracks in since school let out. But yea, let’s get going. My cousin’s waitin’ in the car. Bye, Mama Lanken! she yelled into the house as she pushed Iris out of it.

Finding that Kara’s cousin was already in the passenger’s seat, Iris climbed awkwardly into the back of Kara’s small blue Honda whatever-it-was while Kara started the car. This is Jamie, she’s 19, and I’ve been her chauffeur for the past three days cuz she got her car taken, with her stupid self. Remind me not to live with my parents after high school. Iris saw the back of Jamie’s head turn towards Kara and probably give her a dirty look. And Jamie, this is my best friend, Iris. Kara giggled.

Hey, Iris. said Jamie, casually.

Hi.

I’m so excited, Kara was speeding down the dark street trying to hit her turn signal and apply lip gloss simultaneously. Remember that junior guy from our algebra two class? I mean obviously he’s about to be a senior but I still call him a junior cuz I still consider us sophomores... but he would always hit on me and hussle me for a sheet of paper every single class. You know who I’m talkin’ about?

Yes... Iris responded cautiously.

Well his name is Rashon and we started talkin’ over the summer, but we haven’t gotten to hang out or anything yet so this is kind of like our first not-really-date. Kara couldn’t stop giggling for a reason that Iris couldn’t figure out.

Kara, Jamie exclaimed. You have literally been talking about him nonstop all day.

I was just filling Iris in on who’s gonna be there! she responded innocently.

Shut up and turn left here. Jamie instructed. Kara crossed the solid yellow line on the road and went from the right hand lane into the left lane full of cars clearly going the opposite direction. Kara, turn!

Wait, do I turn on...? Kara never finished her sentence, because at that moment a horn honked loudly and urgently, drowning out the music from the radio. A set of headlights appeared on their faces, getting bigger and brighter as the lights zoomed uncontrollably towards the three girls.

Watch out! yelled Jamie. They screamed in unison as Kara attempted to crazily swerve out of the way. Kara, stop! Stop!

Now, multiple horns were honking and there was panic in each of their faces as the honking and screaming combined with the sound of tires screeching against pavement. Iris closed her eyes in fear and anticipation so that everything was black when she heard the earsplitting crash.

2.  Bowling.

O h my God. exhaled Kara. That was crazy.

You almost killed us! Jamie angrily punched Kara’s shoulder.

But I didn’t, did I?

What kind of person stops to make a turn on the wrong side of the road? Jamie yelled.

I’m pretty sure you told me to... but I don’t really remember...

Iris opened her eyes to see that they were safely pulled on the side of the road now in front of the bowling alley. Her heart was still pounding inside of her chest. I heard a crash, she announced. If it wasn’t us then... what was it? All three girls stepped out of the car to look and saw that the vehicle that had just missed them had swerved into a tree, barely visible in the darkness. The truck wasn’t totaled, but there was no movement inside or around it. She heard police sirens getting increasingly closer. Oh, Kara... she exclaimed, beginning to make her way towards the truck. Kara grabbed her arm, stopping her.

Iris, Kara turned Iris around, her eyes pleading. We can’t.

What? You caused someone to get into a car accident! Iris almost screamed at her.

They’ll question us, won’t they? Kara got uncharacteristically serious. They’ll wonder... why I... She shifted her feet and looked down. Iris suddenly became extremely aware of her surroundings. The dark, moonless, night sky loomed over the three guilty girls as they stood there, congregating beneath a menacing streetlight across from the lively neon sign that read Bowling Central.

Kara, Iris pulled Kara’s head up so that she could see her dark brown eyes. Have you... were you drinking? Kara pulled away, saying nothing. Iris looked at Jamie for confirmation. Jamie said nothing. Iris wanted to cry. She felt like she was in one of those movies where teenagers do something reckless and then get blackmailed about it until one of them finally cracks and admits their crime. And if that was gonna be the case, she knew she would be the one to crack.

We’re late meeting the guys, Jamie finally announced. We should park.

What? Iris stood there, bewildered as the other two got into the car just as the cops and an ambulance arrived at the crash scene.

Iris.

She was too distracted to tell whose voice that was. She watched them pull an elderly white man out of the driver’s side. He didn’t move, and he didn’t make a sound. She heard urgency in the voices of the cops. They must want witnesses or something. One of them made eye contact with her. She stared back at him.

Iris, there’s nothing we can do!

Please. Iris recognized that voice as Kara’s and broke eye contact with the officer. She focused on the blaring sirens that filled her head and impaired her senses. She wordlessly obeyed and got into the backseat of the blue Honda-whatever-it-was.

WELL, IT’S ABOUT TIME! A white guy approached them from the snack bar holding nachos and a soda. Iris wondered if that old man was dead. 

Sorry, traffic. explained Jamie as he led them to a lane where the other guys were waiting.

Well, we already started a game without you guys so you’ll have to wait, he told them. He has pretty blue eyes, thought Iris. A cute, tan, boyish face and a muscular build. His light brown hair had to be constantly pushed away from his eyes. He needed a haircut. Iris wondered if that old white man had a son. She wondered if he’d ever taken his son to get his hair cut. Or maybe that was his wife’s thing, if he had a wife.

Each guy stood up when the girls arrived. Iris, Kara began. This is Kyle, Jamie’s boyfriend... she pointed the gorgeous guy with the nachos. She saw how perfect the two went together as she saw them stand side by side and analyzed Jamie for the first time. She was