Life After Divorce: The Rebuilding Process

By Dr Duane E Mangum

The pain and joy of writing this book have shown me that a person who suffers the loss of a marriage is a critical turning point in their life. I believe that it gives you a life lesson on how a plan in life with that beautiful person can begin with hopes and dreams for a wonderful future, then come crashing down through the effects of divorce. I also believe that no man or woman every sits down and devises a plan to get a divorce. Can you remember when you met that special person and you fell in love, and the next, here comes the proposal to marry you? You said yes and were so excited, and that unbelievable feeling of joy and happiness was on full display.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Dec 16, 2020
• ISBN: 9781098341916

Book preview

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What Divorce Looks Like?

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. – Jean Kerr

Divorce comes in many shapes, sizes, and colors. However, divorce is similar that it always leaves the pain, anger, and loss. Some of you that have experienced divorce know exactly what I am talking about. Let me paint this picture. When you accepted the proposal from your former husband, your goal was not to end up in divorce. Once you received the ring, you made plans for the wedding or even just going to the Justice of the Peace; you were excited to be marrying the love of your life and you wanted everyone to know that you were getting married. You called all of your family and girlfriends to let them know that you need their help in planning the wedding of the lifetime. You start looking at dresses, places to have your wedding at, and the people you wanted to invite. What type of food you were going to have? Where your honeymoon was going to be? What year, month, and the day the big day was going to be on? What type of house and where are you going to live? If you and your fiancée wanted children, you discussed how many, and if so where are you going to stay home with them or work? You come too that big day and it’s a church wedding; the church is decorated, you have your beautiful and expensive dress, your maid of honor and the wedding party are looking fabulous, you soon to be husband and his groomsmen are look extra sharp in their tuxedos. The flower girls and ring barriers are just so pretty and handsome. 

Everything is in place, you enter the church and everyone stands to celebrate, taking pictures of you in that gorgeous dress, your dad is walking you down slowly while the music is playing, the atmosphere has been set and everything is just right. Your dad brings you to the altar where he gives you to your husband and the pastor begins to say the vows and in your mind, you are so overwhelmed with joy and telling yourself keep it together, don’t lose it yet, but you are so blessed and happy that this day has finally come. You think for a split second of the one you thought would be your husband turns out to be the one that wasn’t, but you are sure the one you are marrying today is. You repeat your vows, that I will honor, love, obey, through better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and until death do you part and he repeats the same thing, I will honor, love, obey through better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part. Then you exchange rings, light the unity candle together, pray together and then the pastor says to you and your new husband, you may salute your new bridge and he then asks you both to turn and face the congregation and says I now present to you Mr. and Mrs. This no doubt was the epic wedding that you have been dreaming about your entire life. Joy, love, and happiness surround you both as you start your new life together. So many things you wanted to do together and now you are divorced and honestly for many of us we don’t have a clue what the next move is because divorce stings and catches by surprise, even if you don’t admit it, its life-changing! If children are involved, who gets custody, or will you share custody? Who gets the house, car, you get the picture. Divorce doesn’t look pretty in the beginning because of how it touches you, physically, psychologically, or even spiritually.

Many couples who have gone through a divorce are questioning themselves on what happened, other than the obvious of infidelity being the primary reason for the divorce, questions often loom in the minds, like did I marry the right person? Were we compatible? Or were our parents, children, or other family members responsible for the divorce? Sometimes the answers to those questions aren’t answered until you have time to go through the post-divorce process. I know that when I went through my divorce, with some of the same questions. I asked myself and honestly, they couldn’t be answered until after I went through counseling and was away from the whole drama associated with our breakup and divorce. I will never forget what my counselor said to me, that your divorce will not make much sense until you can answer some questions you had about why did you get married and what was the actual driving force that caused the divorce. 

She said to me I should definitely take some time and work on yourself, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually alone, because after being in a marriage for seventeen years and having the responsibilities I had as a husband, father, and stepfather that I needed time to find myself as a single person and parent again. I agreed with her. Even though our counseling sessions were beneficial, I realized that the best way to get better was to focus on myself without the challenges of trying to forge a new relationship with someone else. My therapy sessions with my therapist ended and one significant piece of advice that she gave me was to ensure that I don’t allow loneliness to give me a false sense of security that I needed to be with someone so I can feel normal. That loneliness was part of the journey and a necessary challenge in finding that space that I needed not another person, but to rebuild my confidence that being alone wasn’t something that I should look on as an issue, but an opportunity to find the things that made me happy by caring for me only. So I took the challenge to move that person who for years I have neglected for the betterment of others. Please don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed being that person who my family could depend on, but I allowed it frequently to rob me of forging the attitude of self-care. Another statement that my therapist made was what was it going to take for you to start caring about yourself more than others.

Honestly, at first, I didn’t understand what she was saying until it was rephrased; she said you share with me your journey as a child and all you wanted was to bring value to your family, mother, brothers, and sister by giving to them your best through caring and showing love. She said the principal reason you wanted to do this was that from age five to almost ten you and your twin brother were living with your dad and he wouldn’t allow you to see your mother, brothers, and sister. Therefore, when you were finally reunited with them, you overcompensated by neglecting your needs for theirs. I put myself in the position to do more for others than myself, which forces me to always put other’s feelings ahead of mine, instead of having a balance as it related to doing for them and