The Git Moves to an Island

By Bryan Kirchner

This book is a collection of hilarious letters written over a 4 year period.
It covers the authors perspective on everyday life, documenting the different experiences they as a family went through.
As you get to know the author and his family through these stories you will begin to understand the challenges faced with changing countries.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bryan Kirchner
• Release date: Jan 19, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005372460

Book preview

THE GIT MOVES TO AN ISLAND

TRUE STORIES OF THE STRUGGLE ENDURED BY A DIMWIT AND HIS FAMILY1

BRYAN Kirchner JTF&CB* MMWC*

the GIT ON the Island

23

Graphic

PRE-FARCE

I started writing these letters when we first moved to the island as a way of keeping in contact with family and friends back home. It has changed as the experiences have changed, but it still serves as a connection to family, friends, and Africa.

This is by no means a professional undertaking and should be read with that in mind. Its the ramblings of a potentially broken mind. If you take offence to the language, opinions, creative content and repeated references to crappy car’s then Tough Titty. Go and write your own stories. I have been asked by many, many people, (truth be told only two), to collect these stories and publish them. So that's what I have done. If you are part of the grammar police and feel that you need to correct some of my mistakes then please refer to the footnote.4 My editorial and writing skills fall in line with my life long struggle with (ADD) Attention Deficit Daisies. There will be places in these pages where it looks like I know what I’m doing, but, alas there will be plenty more places where the proof of a solid higher grade C in English is abundantly clear. If anybody knows an editor that wants to do some pro bono work to make me a multi-mega-bazzilloin-millionaire then please organize an introduction and the beer 5. My use of the English language is so bad that it would make my high school teacher cry and possibly get me erased from the high school year book.

Comics and Quotes are from the interweb and far superior authors, I don't own them.

A special thanks goes to my sister for the cover artwork, and to the people in these pages, you are the inspiration behind all of this.

Bend the pages, scribble on them if you like, tear out the ones you don't like and use it as a coaster, once you are done share it with someone else. Books are a dying art and used ones look cool.

If however you enjoy these random mendacities and wish to send me money / beer / smokes or even just a comment please mail me at

[e-mail]

I would love to hear from you. Kinda....

1. The Arrival

The Adventure Begins, Start a new life they said!

Hello all,

After numerous requests on the status of things downunder I thought it best to write it up and send it on.

Not unlike Tom Hanks in the movie Robinson Crusoe or something like that, I am also on what’s classified as an Island (According to Spiderpig anyway).

I have to admit that I don’t have a punctured volleyball with a bloody hand print for company, but, I do have a cell phone and WhatsApp. He (Tom) never had to worry about a time zone difference where I have to remember that there is an eight hour time difference for half of the year then a nine hour gap. Talk about first world problems.

So where to start. I suppose that we could start at the beginning but that would just be boring.

Our arrival here was an experience that I don’t think I will forget for a long time. We / I hired a room in a house, I don’t know what I was thinking but I suppose that a room in a house really is just a room in a house. We had to share a bathroom with the owner of the house and that’s all that was available. He was a nice enough guy if you are vegetarian and can talk about anything under the sun for at least 5 minutes at a time. We took forever to leave in the mornings as he would be waiting there to corner us and begin chatting away. (in retrospect I think he was bored shitless and would talk to a goldfish all day if he had the chance. Nikki did however motivate him to do stuff I can’t remember what it was but he seemed quite happy when we left 5 days later.

Everyone says that there is no crime here, well let me tell you it’s not the crime you know. There is a different kind of crime here, let me explain.

So I’m looking to buy a second-hand family car, one that can fit a family of four that is generally larger than your average Aussie family, and when I say larger, I'm not saying superior or grander. I mean height and weight like we are a tall fat bunch.

In AUS you can’t buy a stock standard 1.8 litre family car second hand, you can buy a Toyota Camry V6 3.0L, a Holden battleship V6 3.0L, a station wagon longer than a cricket pitch and if you really want to spend some money well then you can get a CHEVY Monster V8 with all the bells and whistles.

Aannnnnyyyway, So there we are (Nikki and I) looking for a stock standard family sedan and we can’t find anything smaller than the spaceship used to tow the sun closer to the earth 10 billion years ago. Our sales guy, Gary, has already spotted that the wife is a soft target and asks all the right questions like, Do you like automatic? Do you find that white and silver cars are easier to clean? How tall are Max and Trent? He is avoiding the weight questions on fear of death I think.

Then he shows us a Suzuki SX4 (sport model) and we (its) are sold. It’s a family sedan, not a stock standard one but at least you don’t need a code 10 to reverse it or do a U turn, it does however have a 2.0 L engine that’s been tuned to eat tires and scare the panties off young impressionable ladies. It’s got low profile takkies, tinted windows, quick shifter’s (flappy paddles on the steering), cruise control, its automatic and its silver, this is one hot car my bru’.

Now here is the CRIME.

You can’t go faster than 60 km/h and in some areas at certain times of the day you can only go 40 km/h. So what’s the point of having a pretty cool car with flappy paddles that you can’t use?

Another crime is the price of beer, surely there should be some kind of discount for the poor? $6 for a pint. Convert that at 11 to 1 and you are paying R 66 for one beer and that’s the cheapest one!!!. (lucky it’s not 13 to one, my multiplication skills run out at the 12 times table).

In other exciting news and observations. All the kids here need a lesson in how to tuck in their shirts, pull up their socks and get a haircut. It would seem that Aussie kids dirt are poor, as the girls can only afford one piece of clothing to wear to school in winter it seems that the bulk of them had decided on long shirts and no pants.

The schools look pretty cool however and everyone is relaxed as school seems to start whenever you feel like going, I see kids walking around all the time.

Like Tom Hanks I have also encountered hardships on this island. Like not having Gas for 2 days. This means that there is no hot water, and its COLD. Like really cold. Bouncing around trying to wash your neither regions with an ice block is not fun trust me. Then we got gas and I can’t turn on the cooker at the top. (cant light the fire) I had to get hold of someone in Port Elizabeth to help.

We have hired a Unit in Sandringham (Bluff Rd, Sandringham, Vic , 3191) in case you feel you need to send wine, beer or whiskey. (Address removed due to lack of parcels received.)

It’s in a nice place and its 2 km from the beach, the schools are less than 1 km away so the kids can easily walk there and back. The house is small but then all the houses are small unless you are a multi multi multi millionaire.

We will take some time to get used to the smaller place but I’m sure that we will be comfortable. I can’t tell you what the TV is like as I don’t even have a couch. But I can tell you that you don’t get a pub where you can pop in and have a quick beer. There are these small gambling places where you can watch footy / horse / dog racing, there you can have a beer @ $6. Or alternately collect straws and join them together and wait till your neighbor goes for a piss then sneak a quick sip…

There is lots more to say and I will send you updates as soon a I have internet at home hopefully Thursday or Friday.

I need to tell you about banks, radio stations, parking, fat people, and work.

Cheers all chat soon

2. Day Thirteen On The Island

How did I get here?

So we are entering into day 13 on the island and I’m still alive.

I have met the peeps from work and everyone is mighty friendly, I’m also the dumbest employee they have.  Maybe that’s why they are friendly? (be nice to the slow kid scenario).

So I’m sure that you are wondering why I say that.

Everyone knows that Joke about Pilots and Engineers right?

How do you know you are sitting next to a Pilot / Engineer in a Bar?

He will tell you.

Ok to be fair.  No-one in the office has actually told me that they are engineers but I have had all the South Africans call me and tell me. (Daniel , Herman and Marius)

Lucky for me I can now say that I have more than just Matric. (LOL)

On that.. The actual Australian contingent in my office could not be any more removed from the mainland. There is a lot of hey guy, konnichiwa and how you doing hey going on , there is no Dumela or sowubona happening which is still odd.  It’s also odd to see a white oke clean the office.

Our Admin Guy Jakie Chan (I’m not shitting you) is a beaut. He treats me like I’m really slow. When we did a tour of the office it went like this.

JC: Gday mate’

BK: Howsit.

JC: har har har ,howsit. No Worries mate.

JC: I go take u on toor of office now, you come now.

BK: ok cool

JC: Here is you desk, here is you chair, you sit in chair, work at desk ok?

BK: ok? looks around and checks to make sure that when we landed in Aussie my arms didn’t stretch so that my knuckles don’t pass my knees, decided to stand up straighter

JC: You now come to kit-chen, her is kit-chen, here is water boiler (kettle) to make water hot. here is sandwich squasher (snackwedge machine). Here is sink to wash dish.

BK: cool(glances round to see if this is a Joke)

Anyway you get the idea. We took 25 minutes to tour an office the size of my bar.

Most of the questions I get from the other people are. Mate where are you from in South Africa? And is that close to cape town?

Fat People…… Well to be honest you don’t see many fat people. I think it’s because they are very active, they walk everywhere and spend lots of time outside.

I really need to buy a warmer outfit, when I go outside I last all of ten minutes and then I give up.  These frikken crazy Aussies walk around in tee shirts and I’m looking for a suitable sized kangaroo to volunteer its pouch and If there is Joey in there I’m not scared to share.

Because everyone here is a worker there is not a big social status gap. The doctors will have a drink with the tradesmen. Doctors are called doctors and Tradesmen are called by their specific trade. I got a lesson last night.

So  keep this is mind for when I close off my letter to you all.

Carpenter = chippy

Ambulance driver = ambo

Brick layer = brickie

Refugee = Reffo

Popping into the local hotel, to have a quick stubby or tinny and tucker will find you sitting in the company of lawyers, construction workers and cleaners. It’s really cool, there doesn’t seem to be stigma attached to these people. Tying to have a conversation with them is a different story however.

Now you must understand that it’s not easy for an entire nation of people stuck on island to break the English language, these people have done it brilliantly. (I can’t wait for Spiderpig to get here)

Ordering a standard cup of coffee for example, one would think, is easy? Oh Hell NO!! Think Again!..

Here is a scenario that was repeated again yesterday. Don’t know why I thought it would be different the second time round.

Barista:6g’day mate whatca drinkin?

BK: Howsit? Can I please have a regular coffee(points at the menu, where it says coffee… regular.)

Barista: (look 2 lines up if you have forgotten what that is): Sure mate which one? The short black, long black, Macchiato, Vienna, flat white or cappuccino?

BK: Ke?

Barista: looks at a Galah7 in the tree, sighs rolls eyes and waits patiently.

BK: Just a regular coffee please..(speaking slowly annunciating each word carefully and points at the menu again trying to get this person to bring a coffee and ends off with a smile hoping that this will help)

The Barista blinks twice, takes a breath and copies me, by speaking slower than I just did and repeats the sentence. Only difference is that he starts with a smile. Its almost the same way we communicate with kids in the shopping centre when they want something and we don’t want to give it to them…

Barista: Suuure Mate…. What would you like? The short black, long black, Macchiato, Vienna, flat white or cappuccino? Ending off with a well-practiced smile that's dripping with sarcasm

Now you must understand that if this was to go on for another 3 rounds we would look and sound like a stretched tape speaking to each other…

BK: I-I-I-I-I-I-I wwwoooouuulllllldddddd lllliiiiikkkkeeeee aaaa rrreeeeggggguuulllaaaarrrrr ccccoooffffeeeeeeee ppplllleeeeeaaaassssseeeee…

Keeping this is mind I decided to win this debate and went off on a whim and said.

BK: Long Black?

Barista: Righto mate, no worries.. (smiles triumphantly and walks off)

Little does he know I won that debate..  how do I know? Because I’m writing this story that's why I know.

Eventually I got my coffee…. And paid $5 (vomit and a little wee-wee dribbled in my pants)

So to assist you peeps when you get here.

A cup of black coffee = long black

White coffee = flat white.

Don’t even try to ask them to bring sugar at the same time. Rather make that self-righteous person walk again….

Aaannnyyyyywaaayyyyy… Enough about that. Moving along swiftly.

 The radio stations are really good here, they play good music and the DJ’s are really funny. If you can see if you can stream HHH radio triplehfm.com.au and listen to them in the morning (mine not yours) it’s something to hear, and the news is also interesting. Just the other day there was news about some old guy that is intensive care because he got run over by some woman that was reversing out of her driveway. Clearly not much happens here. Oh and there was fight in a night club. Really? Really? How does that make news?

 Oh speaking of night clubs last night we drove passed a night club called poof doof a night club for homos.

Seeeeereeeeoooooous!!! Check the site http://poofdoof.com/  tag line a gay club for homos

Mind = Blown…

I’m out of news for now but as we go I will send on more.

It’s Sunday arvo, and there’s a fair dinkum chance that this doco will come good in the end. I’ve been to the bottleshop and I’m having a $6 Cab Sav, even if its not my bowl of rice.

Zoy!!!

3. Changing World’s View

When the going gets tough

Fellow readers, fans, nit pickers and grammar police, the saga continues in this not so gripping episode of What in the world happened in Aus.

So we/I are/am into day 21 (and by the time I’m done with this creation, probably day 25) on the island and if this day was a birthday in years I would officially be a 21 day old adult on the island.

If there was a Friday (slave) here I would have a Friday. But there is no Friday here so I decided to call it 23, at least it comes round once a month.8

If this was Tom Hanks in castaway he would have forgotten about bubba and that his old life was like a box of chocolates.

I, on the other hand, have a memory like a woman scorned. I can distantly remember the last hangover I had. And it was not on this island.

I also remember the last time I saw a rugby game that made sense and THAT was also not on this island.

On the bright side I can actually remember stuff now. So that’s pretty cool.

On this journey of self discovery, I have come to one definite conclusion, Cape town weather sucks in winter.

I have spent the last week multi-tasking working at/on a client site and retraining myself how to use CREO (Cad Software) as this week I’m delivering a training course to 10 delegates on how to use CREO.

Some may laugh, but, some may be astounded as the last time I gave one of these courses was about 6 years ago. Talk about riding a bicycle. (Called a push bike here, for the afrikaans its a stoot fiets)

In my preparation for heading off to Sydney, to deliver said course, I needed some important information. My thinking was if this information was not offered I should ask for it. I felt I had to direct these questions to my boss as they were not in the nonexistent company manual, or mentioned in passing conversation or as part of my introduction / induction into the company. Apparently this kind of thing is common knowledge worldwide.

So it was Thursday afternoon and I hadn't received any feedback, time was running out, I thought about this and decided that the best way to get the answers is to take the proverbial bull by the horns and see what results I would get.

I took the approach of using the Jackie Chang methodology and went for it using short sentences and questions. (Baby steps to the door) (Harro dis is kitchen!, dis is water boiler!)

Leaning forward elbows on knees, a look of mild concern on my face and using clear but non-intimidating voice I said. 9

Hey Boss

As you know, I’m off to Sydney to deliver a Creo Training Course next week and I don’t want to seem pushy but I do have one or two questions that I need to ask and I’m hoping that you can help me.

These questions were not asked in order the order shown below or are even listed by importance or priority, but being slightly anal with trying to do a good job I had a list in my mind and I needed this list ticked off.

Who is the client?

Where is the client?

Who is my contact?

How many people am I training?

Who orders the manuals, how do they get there?

Then a little lower on the priority scale but defiantly on the list are other things like,

Who books the flights?

How much are the flights normally?

Who books the car?

What is the average price for car hire?

Who books the accommodation?

How much is accommodation?

How does it work with food and drinks?

Please be gentle this comes from the guy that has only been working here for 7 days.

And this is how it works.

My boss says Sh!@T I suppose I should have thought to tell you some of these things.

DUH!!!! Ya Think??

And we go off on a long discussion about the questions I have asked.

In short……. I have to do it all myself and pay for it and then claim back the money when I’m done. My other alternative is to use the Admin Guy (Jackie Chan) where I have to choose everything then e-mail him all the details and then try to get him to pay for it.

Which is easy enough if you have, I don’t know, more than 8 hours’ notice.

Boring story so far yes I know, but, the important part to any story is a good grounding 10, One needs to connect with ones readers and give them a chance to identify with the characters (in this case mwerte) in the story and form an emotional bond.

Now I’m not asking you to become emotionally dependent on the meagre writings of a complacent idiot, but having said that, I don’t walk around staring into the sun either.

I’m on the internet and I’m booking flights, car and accommodation.. Zonkie and it’s all going well, I have even organized to go to Sydney earlier on the Sunday morning so I can meet up with Clive and Maritza.

The weather has a different opinion on how the weekend and week is going to go however.

I got to the airport and the flight before mine and the one after mine has been cancelled.  We take off and soon as the crotch check is done the pilot comes on air and delivers the bad news in a friendly voice.

G’day all, we are in for a bumpy ride as there are 125 km cross winds and there is only one runway open in Sydney. Hold tight and enjoy the flight

The seatbelt light was flashing like a disco light and there was no chance of hitting the head for a break in the monotony of a 2 hour flight.

Needless to say the landing was bumpy and the flight attendees looked like they wanted to get off the plane as well when we were done.

I collected my bag that was completely soaked, I think they put it on the roof rack of the plane, and trundled off to pick up my rent a car.

I stroll into Hertz with the confidence of a man that has just walked away from what could have been a much better story and ask for my car.

Guess What? …..

No Car!!!

Well, there is a car, and it’s in Sidney. Not Sydney… Sidney is not where I am or want to be… not at all. In fact it’s very far away from where I am right now. 11

Graphic

So now I’m expecting to get the standard.Eish aaaawww, so so so sooorrryy.

Instead I get the Aussie standard helpfulness for ignorant people such as myself and within 10 minutes I had a car.

Winner!!

Upgraded!!

Double Winner!!

What’s the catch? There is always a catch.

It’s a battleship, it so long that you could play 10 pin blowing on the bonnet have a party inside and hide an elephant in the boot.  This nation loves big cars.

Annnnyyyyway  back to the weather.

Saturday night sees Sydney have the worst storms in 43 years. Flights are cancelled, people are being blown over by strong winds, houses are being washed away by huge waves. It’s fucken mayhem out there.

They even interviewed a Shela on the news and she was clearly upset. This is what she said in between sobs…

"(snot snot)…. It’s so unfair, this is like a nightmare….. (snot snot, wipe) (elbow to fingertip wipe like Spiderpig does it) It’s all the governments fault, they should have built a storm wall, they should have known that this was going to happen…… (snot snot, Wipe).

That’s where I stopped listening.

The rest is pretty boring except for the bad weather that has added at least some drama to what could only be told as a random boring story.

(Second day in Sydney, not Sidney)

The Aussies here are Special.

I’m sure they have seen Point Break and have convinced themselves that it’s the 50 year storm out there. Already 3 surfers have been lost at sea. Waves are crashing into buildings, swimming pools are being washed out to sea, sailing boats are being capsized in the harbour and the kids are thinking…

Aw mate looks good for a quick swim hey?

And if that’s not bad enough their dads are thinking that because they have a 4x4 with a snorkel, they can cross the raging rivers. So they collect their mates, load a slab (that’s a case of beers) and head for the local hi-way which is now underwater with logs, old furniture like couches, TV’s, Gas Stoves (the stuff they leave on the pavement) and shit floating past and they are saying.

Aw Bruce this looks like a good spot to cross hey mate?

Now this could be funny if a few people did it and they were under the age of let’s say 16. But that’s not the case. No, no, no…. not 1, not 10, no people, and this is the best part, and I’m sure that the number is going to increase during the day. By the time I left for work this morning there were approximately 250 people that had to be rescued out of their cars!!! Two-Hundred and Fifty!!! Which warranted the need for the police to go on TV this morning and ask people to not cross the raging rivers.

The news people are broadcasting that you need to phone your insurance to check whether you are covered for flood damage. (seriously) no drama or 30% added to this line.

The TV station have crews on every beach.

So ? 

The beaches are so close that he you can see the one camera crew in the background of the ones currently filming.

And on my final giggle for this mail and the day. The closing comments from the health and safety minister this morning (standing on the beach with the mass destruction behind him) (its actually only 6 houses that we badly damaged) he says …. He doesn’t understand why people won’t drive into or through a bush fire but they will drive through a raging river. He is now going to start a national campaign to educate the Australian people about the dangers of flood water.

Chat soon people!!

Zooi!!!!

4. Coping

Underachievers of the world untie

G'day

Does anybody watch TV or the news? Has anybody bought a newspaper recently for its actual purpose, not to be used to pack glasses, clean windows or light a fire but actually read it?

I can say without a doubt that there are a few people in this list that have not bought a newspaper in years.

Before you start thinking about some witty reply, I’m not talking about the local Free report (Afrikaans version) or city times (English version). This is a valuable document that is delivered every week to our doorsteps.

This contains valuable information that we consume like a huisgenoot / you in order to know what’s happening in our neighborhoods.

If you have mildly successful kids in sport or academics you can cut out the pictures of them and leave them lying around in strategic positions so that when people visit you can draw their attention to the article and show off your little snot squirts.

And so you should, you wonderful parent you, why not! Hell you are so special that you produced another human being that can not only inhale oxygen and exhale carbon di-oxide, this special person is now immortalized forever in the historic records of the shitty little backwater town that you live in. Congratulations!!!

I can say with absolute certainty that I never had to put my parents through that kind of mundane ritual of checking every week to see if I made the papers, I can also say that I can only think of one other person that was that kind to his parents (you all know one) although I’m not sure about that anymore. Freaking overachiever…….

To elaborate on this topic a touch, as one does, when one is bored, or just feels like elaborating. My sporting and academic achievements at school were never really whispered in the sacrosanct12 corners of the staff room or sports field, and they were probably best described as……….not very good, average, probably closer to ag shame at least he tries.

I mean I only managed to scrape through with a certificate of achievement for acting, a solid top of the class certificate for woodwork prize, 3 years in a row baby, and a stock standard blue blazer that lasted me right through to matric. There was no need to sew little scrolls under the pocket or add a ribbon to the rim of the blazer or god forbid make my parents go out and buy a whole new white blazer because I was special.

There are people out there whose parents had to buy an extra free paper because their picture was on both sides of the page.(you know who you are in this list).. NOOOOO I was not that kind of student.

But I digress, in fact I have digressed so far that I can’t remember why I started writing this…….

I’m sure there was Beer, Cigarettes, Golf, Mates, Bars, Cars, Road tunes, road trips or motorbikes and women in there. Why else write anything?

AHHHH now I remember,

We have a local newspaper and they have a crime section, is called keeping up with the crime your area or some other shit, and the area that they cover is probably the size of Benoni / Boksburg / Centurion / Springs. Pick the one that you can relate the size to and not all of them.

There were a spate of Car break-ins and people were really pissed off.

Some of the cars had their doors opened and their spare change was  taken. (these were the unlocked ones)

Others had windows broken and laptops taken of front seats (these were locked)

All of these cars are parked in the street overnight.

One guy even reported his car missing, but luckily they found it about 4 km away with no fuel in. ( I’m still waiting for the TV crew to interview him)

Got to love that shit!!!

I have still forgotten why I started writing this….

It’s apublic holiday for most of you today, enjoy it and have a lekker weekend.

Cheers!!!!

5. Branching Out

Converting to Rands Much?

I have lots of half written experiences that I still need to complete but I think that today’s and the next few will be about the experiences of my family arriving on the island. Now obviously this is how I see it, and if they have a different view then they should have been here first.

I see myself in the same situation as Jan van Ree....beer……k when he landed in Cape Town, or Dr. Liver……stone when he nearly fell over the cliff at Victoria falls. (musi-a-atunda). I was also completely alone with no support, no ship, no slaves, no food, no BEER, or 400 porters to carry my stuff around…. And more importantly of course being the first person in the island EVER makes me awesome. I wonder when they will stamp my face on a coin!!!

Unlike Oscar award winning Tom Hanks in castaway, where he grew an enormous beard that remained clean for his entire stay, and losing a considerable amount of weight. I readied myself for almost a week before the arrival of my family. My hair was trimmed I was clean shaved and I had surprisingly not lost too much weight. There was some man scaping that went on just in case!!!!

I spent the morning trying desperately trying to pass time, I went shopping, I went for a walk, I cleaned the house, hell I even washed the toilets. So all of this was done before 12:00 and I still had 6 more hours to wait.

This in South Africa would typically not be an issue. Hell the solution is easy, I would have popped down to Hooters, grabbed a table an nursed some beers for a couple of hours. Here however, that is not the case.

So I waited patiently until about 16:30  when I could not wait any longer. I jumped into my high performance racing car with the flappy paddles on the steering wheels and charged down the hi-way at a steady 80 km/h I even pushed it up to 85 km/h at a point. Feeling devilishly brave at one point I even went through an orange light and nearly flipped off a truck driver. (thank goodness I had not lost complete control and managed to hold back on that one. Who knows how the trip could