Supernatural: Carla Larsen Mystery

By charles fisher

Harper's "sister" Tanner Lee arrives; she is a star child like Harper, created by the Plieadians. She has some amazing abilities, one of which is her ability as a concert pianist. With two college degrees at age ten and the appearance of a twenty year old, she joins up for a stint with the force. Jackie Jasper also appears and joins the Juvy Squad; her stepfather is a State Senator who becomes the focus of a child pornography investigation instituted by Jackie's work.

• Language: English
• Publisher: charles fisher
• Release date: Jan 30, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393606345

Book preview

Supernatural

The Legend of  Tanner Lee Addison

Stratford Police Department

900 Longbrook Ave.

Stratford, Connecticut

June, 2007

This is my sister Tanner Lee, Harper said. Tanner, this is Carole Larsen. That fat out of shape Stratford sweat hog over there is her cousin Carla Larsen.

What did you call me, you no good excuse for a human bein’? I will whoop your ass for that, Carla said.

Nice to meet you, Tanner Lee said. I think.

How old you be, girl? Shifty says you are ten. Y’all look a lot older than that.

My genetics are somewhat advanced, Tanner Lee said. About five years, in fact. I am five foot seven and weigh 120 pounds. And unlike my alleged sister, I require a brassiere, she smirked.

You’re going to require a neck brace if you keep up the bullshit, Harper nodded.

Oh, I like this kid, Carla nodded. It’s gonna be a lot of fun havin’ her around.

Don’t get too used to looking at her, Harper smiled. She might not be here that long.

Tanner Lee tapped Harper between the eyes with two fingers. Harper froze in place, staring off into space.

I can make that last as long as I want, Tanner Lee smiled.

Carla got up and waved her hand in front of Harper’s face; there was no reaction. Damn, girl; kin you teach me how to do that? I got a couple of boys I’d like to use that on.

Oh, I bet you do, Tanner Lee said. I heard about you from Harper. You are a master of human reproduction techniques. They are unnecessary, you know. I’m living proof of that.

Might be, but ain’t no petrie dish ever gave me five thousand dollars to spend the night, Carla nodded.

This planet is entirely too fixated on sex and money, Tanner Lee said.

You left out drugs and rock n’ roll, Carole giggled. They’re right up there with sex.

How would you know? Tanner Lee said. You are obviously too old to reproduce.

Mind your manners, young lady. I know karate, Carole said.

I know this, Tanner Lee smiled, pointing at Harper, who was still frozen like a statue.

Kin you make her run up and down Main Street nekked, squawkin’ like a chicken? Carla grinned.

I could, but I will not. My powers are not to be abused.

Make us rich if you do that, Carla grinned. We could get big money for a video of that.

I thought you two were friends, Tanner Lee said.

Yeah, we are, but everything got  a price. If I kin make two hundred grand off a video of her doin’ that, she can kiss my Kansas ass and whistle Dixie, then go get her some new friends.

Some friend you are, Tanner Lee said. She tapped Harper on the forehead.

So where’s the Salerno’s order? Harper smiled.

You ..... didn’t notice anything missing? Carole smiled. Like the last ten minutes of your life?

Oh, that. She does that to me a lot, the little ball breaker. I’m working on a defense against that.

Next time I won’t reverse it, Tanner Lee said. Until you’re about  seventy five years old.

Won’t she die and get to stinkin’ if y’all leave her like that for that long? Carla said.

No. It is a permanent state of suspended animation. All cellular, molecular, and mental activity stops.

Carla knows all about having your mental activity stopped, Harper grinned. Ain’t that right, you all?

I will stop you from talkin’, and I will use my fist to do it. I got to learn that trick.

Sorry; you aren’t advanced enough. You’re troublesome enough without giving you advanced powers.

I got advanced powers, Carla grinned. Y’all wanna see?

I doubt you could do anything that would impress me, Tanner Lee said. I know you are a good person, but face facts; compared to me, you have the brain of a two year old.

Okay, Carla shrugged as she got up. Have it your way. I got a phone call to make. She walked by Tanner Lee and turned on her in a flash. She clamped the Claw hold onto the girl’s ribs; Tanner Lee screeched and fell to her knees. Carla poured it on, grinding her fingers into the girl’s side.

Noooo! Tanner Lee squealed as she turned bright red. Let go!

Say you’re a dumbassed space monster, Carla grinned as she dug in.

I am, Tanner Lee gasped. I’m just awful.

Say Earth folks are better than you.

They are, Tanner Lee gasped. Please stop.

Carla released the hold. Y’all keep that in mind next time you want to run your mouth on me, she nodded.

Up yours, Tanner Lee mumbled.

What was that?

Nothing, just a philosophical  comment.

Residence of the Larsen Family

12 Washington Parkway

Stratford, Connecticut

June, 2007

Mary, meet Tanner Lee. This is Carole’s mother, Mary Larsen. She is from Minnesota, Harper said.

Hej, det är väldigt trevligt att träffa dig, Tanner Lee said as she hugged Mary.

You speak Swedish very well, Mary said.

I can speak all human languages. They are very easy to learn. Pratar du svenska?

Ja, men jag använder det inte ofta.

I can see why you don’t use it often. You aren’t surrounded by the smartest people on your planet, Tanner Lee said, looking at Carla.

Claw, Klatu, Carla nodded, holding up her hand.

Except for Carla, Tanner Lee said quickly. She seems to have an extraordinary intellect.

A jar of peanut butter could outthink her, Harper grinned.

Better be Skippy; chunky, too, Carla said.

It will be chunky; just like you, Harper said.

You are a very beautiful girl, Mary said. Who did you get your good looks from?

Wasn’t her, Tanner Lee smirked, looking at Harper.

Keep it up, Harper said. Your looks could be modified real easy, and you won’t like the result, Cutie Pie. Half your DNA belongs to me. Your ass could be next.

I don’t know who or what my father was, Tanner Lee said. Or my mother. I assume it was the DNA of Bonnie Lynn; she is much better looking than Harper. Sort of like when a pig has a litter; there’s always an ugly one.

What? Harper shrieked. After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get? Now I’m an ugly pig puppy or whatever the hell they call them?

Tanner Lee grinned at her and made squealing noises. Just kidding, she said. And they are called piglets.

I don’t understand, Mary said. I thought you were Bonnie Lynn’s daughter and you got adopted out or something because she didn’t want to take the chance you’d grow up to be like Shifty.

No, that is not how I came to be. The Pleiadians made me in their laboratory from DNA they claim was from Harper, and ..... well, nobody knows what else they used. It had to be male. I guess Harper took after the male side, she smirked.

Keep it up, Martian Margie, and you will find out what part of my DNA you missed out on. It’s the part that says I can kick your ass.

Spoken like a true member of the human race. I thought you were a hybrid like me.

Close, but no cigar. I was born the old fashioned way.

How were you born, Tanner? Mary said.

I wasn’t. I was developed in a glass cylinder full of amniotic fluid. When I was five, they removed me and began my education. I recently graduated from a human college, earning a degree in Criminal Science, and one in Advanced Human Macrobiotics.

I took macrobiotics, Carla said. Got rid of jock itch I got from the laundry in the orphanage.

Keep listening to Carla, Klatu, Harper nodded. It only gets worse as it goes along. Your IQ will drop to the point where a pigeon can beat you doing the Sunday Crossword Puzzle.

I do that one, Mary said with a wave of her hand. The only clue I can’t get is a five letter word for asshole.

C-A-R-L-A, Harper giggled.

Keep it up, Carla nodded.

So Tanner, how long have you been here? Mary said.

A little over a year and a half now.

And you got two college degrees in a year and a half? The only other person I know who did that was Greta Thorssen, back in Duluth. Of course she slept with all her teachers. I bet Carla would do that; she’s a slut. No offense, Carla.

None taken. Anything worth doing be worth doing right.

So, Tanner, are you going to become a police officer or a doctor? Mary said.

Probably neither. That is not why they released me. I was not sent here to take care of good old fashioned humans.

They released your ass because I threatened them with good old fashioned human nuclear weapons, Carla said. Do not think otherwise. Me and Vito had us a sit-down with some dude name of 22, although he is obviously lyin’ about his age, and the boy saw the light.

You spoke with the Supreme Leader of the Pleiadian Research Team? Tanner Lee exclaimed. Where is he?

Right here on good old fashioned planet Earth, Carla said. Seems we are good enough to harvest DNA from, but we ain’t worth a shit otherwise.

What did he say?

The usual shit you hear from big mouths who got nothing to back it up; don’t blow our asses up and we’ll do anything you want. I made a deal with the boy; he returned all the folks he had abducted, in return for which he can have all the DNA he wants. Oh, and he agreed to let y’all go and have a normal life.

I don’t believe he agreed to that, Tanner Lee said. When I was released, they told me my job was to find the easiest way to destroy the human race and still leave the planet inhabitable.

And you agreed to that? Harper exclaimed.

Of course. But I lied, Tanner Lee grinned. After all, I am part human. I think 22 got over on you, as humans say.

Nobody gets over on me and Shifty, Carla nodded. That boy wants us dead? I will return the favor. I will do exactly what I told him I would do if he crossed me; I will vaporize his Pluto ass.

You’re a police officer. You don’t have nuclear weapons. Where is he located?

Antarctica. And I got two Presidents in my pocket and an Air Force dude who has the Navy in his. I get anything I want. Nukes included.

You will pollute the environment; you’ll kill more of your people than his. There is a better way.

There is only one way for a son of a bitch like him; boom! Carla grinned.

I understand you just finished a case involving a deadly virus, Tanner Lee said.

We did. What y’all got in mind?

They drink what you call beer. That is their main source of nourishment. We could go there and make a gift of beer. Pleiadians like beer. If you could figure a way to introduce the virus into the beer, it would kill all of them in a day or two. They have no immunity against a human virus such as this.

Nether do we, Harper said. That shit is mega dangerous. We could wind up dead trying that. We took the vaccine, but we don’t know for sure it works. I do not want to find out the hard way. What excuse could we have for going there?

You thank them for releasing me, and ask them if you can find out who our father was. I would like to know that, and so would you. It would be meaningless to them, so there is no reason why they shouldn’t tell us. For a price, of course. The Pleiadians are like your Jews. They like to bargain.

I knew it, Carla said. I thought that 22 bastard had a bigger nose than he should have. I do not stand for bein’ lied on by no interstellar Hebrew. That boy got a reckoning coming, and its name be Carla.

Be careful, Tanner Lee said. They are a lot smarter than you.

Smart got nothing to do with it. We went in there and killed half a dozen of them boys. They talk big, but they do not have weapons.

They do, but this Earth colony probably doesn’t have any. They don’t need them in that place. How did you get in there?

We got corn-nections at Area 51. They gave us a ride.

All right, but let me think about this. We will talk tomorrow.

And stop calling us humans and talking about us like we’re some sort of alien species, Harper said. You’re human; don’t tell me you aren’t. My blood runs through your veins. You keep this up, and it will be running out on the floor.

I apologize if my way of speaking offends you, Tanner Lee said. It is the result of nine years of my life being raised by the Pleiadians.

All right, Harper said. Just remember who you are, and who got you here.

And stop calling us humans and talking about us like we’re some sort of alien species, Harper said. You’re human; don’t tell me you aren’t. My blood runs through your veins. You keep this up, and it will be running out on the floor.

I apologize if my way of speaking offends you, Tanner Lee said. It is the result of nine years of my life being raised by the Pleiadians.

––––––––

Stratford Police Department

900 Longbrook Ave.

Stratford, Connecticut

June, 2007

Okay, I thought about this, Tanner Lee said. You can try this plan, but you have to be careful. You gave them what they want; access to human DNA. Once they have enough, they won’t need you anymore. You will be exterminated. That is their plan.

They ain’t got the first batch yet, Carla grinned. I have arranged for them to get nigger DNA. Hope them boys can sing rap music.

You what? Carole shrieked. That is the most racist thing I have ever heard in my life!

How? Carla grinned. For the last twelve years, all I hear from y’all was how them black bastards are as good as regular Americans. Well, let’s see how them space dudes like listening to Snoop Dog.

Who said Snoop Dog? Clarence said as he came in. And I heard Snowflake say the N word.

Word be nigger, Carla grinned. Y’all say nigger, and look who shows up.

Why is this black human in charge here? Tanner Lee said. The Pleiadians would not allow this. They have no blacks.

Hallelujah! Carla yelled, throwing her hands in the air. Pack my bag, Shifty. I am moving to Planet of the Ape-less.

Who be this white girl? Clare said.

This is Harper’s sister Tanner Lee Addison. She ain’t from around here.

Sounds like a Georgia cracker to me, Clare huffed. You watch what you say, Honky. I be the Man.

And there gonna be a lot of y’all in the Pleiadian Star System real soon, Carla said. I done arranged for them boys to lay off kidnappin’ folks here in return for some free human DNA.

Good, Clare nodded. Them are the bastards that took Carole, right?

Nope. Them folks was from Ziti Ridiculous.

Should have paid ‘em extra to keep her, Clare grumbled. What’s this about brothers in the star system?

They want DNA; they gonna get it. I got me a 55 gallon drum of nigger blood on ice in a warehouse. They gonna get more than they bargained for. Hope they got a good welfare system, she grinned. And  a cure for sickle cell and hypertension.

Sickle cell? Nigger? Nigger what? Clare exclaimed. Where you get that much black man’s blood?

Moppin’ up be what in the back of me cruiser, Darkie, Tracy said as she came in. The rest we got from the Red Cross, where all you assholes sell your blood for money to buy malt liquor. Should rename  it the Black Cross.

Nooooooo! Carole screeched, and ran for the bathroom.

You white motherfuckers got no business sendin’ the brothers’ blood into space.

Why not? Tracy said as she sat back. All we hear on them talk shows at night is how the black man invented this or that, and how he is so advanced over white people. Ya should be proud to send your blood into space; if it were up to me, the whole lot of you would go with it. Starship Buckwheat, she grinned.

Oh my God, Harper squealed. That’s almost as funny as working with Dingbat Carla. I think her real name is Edith.

You take that back, Carla snapped. Archie Bunker were a fine Republican Christian man. He did not like niggers either, she grinned. He was better than them or Meathead, who was a Liberal like Carole.

I want a full report on this on my desk tomorrow morning, Clarence said.

Fuck you, Carla grinned. Eat collard greens and die. I do not take no orders from a swamp runnin’ backwoods, watermelon suckin’ asshole the likes of you.

I will fire your white ass, Clare glowered.

Carla took a syrette out of her bag. Marburg Virus, she grinned.

Bye, Clare said as he headed for the door. My Mama be callin’ me.

Try to find out who your Daddy be, Carla called out as Clarence ran. Maybe he be white.

That wasn’t very nice, making fun of him, Tanner Lee said. It isn’t his fault he is a member of an inferior race. They were an accident, you know, she snickered. The Anunnaki came here and used ancient human-like apes as a labor force. They weren’t smart enough, so they modified them with DNA from the Reticulans. They didn’t use enough; the result was your modern day black man. Most of them escaped before the Anunnaki could hunt them down and kill them. They run very fast, you know.

Specially if they got a Zenith color TV on their back, Carla muttered. They have TV back then?

Sure they did, Einstein, Harper giggled. They even had HBO.

Didn’t have no Boner Bob Channel, though, Carla grinned.

I have heard of this Boner Bob, Tanner Lee said. Some of the Pleiadians are very fond of him. Who is responsible for this filth?

Must be a Democrat, Carla mumbled. No Republican gal would own somethin’ like that.

I know who owns it, Tanner Lee smirked. You, and that idiot Bill Clinton.

That boy were a good President, Carla nodded. Although Ronnie Reagan were better. Bubba knew how to play the game, and he has charm.

He also had sexual relations with that woman, Miss whatever her name was.

Leventhal, Carla grinned. She were a fat little Jewgirl. Bubba took whatever fish was in his pond, and that were his downfall. Too bad I did not have my website up when he were President, or he could have had him a Carlathon.

You’d hump that fat pervert? Harper laughed.

No, I would not. He is my friend, and that would be disrespectful.

To which one of you? Tanner Lee laughed. That would be a toss-up. It is like the comedian Rodney Dangerfield said; I was with a girl and she asked me if I would still respect her in the morning. He said, I don’t respect you now.

I like Andy Dice Clay’s version better, Carla grinned. You ain’t gonna be here in the morning.

I’m sure you know all about that, Tanner Lee said. You should have hosted that human game show; The Price is Right. Oh, sorry, I’m not supposed to refer to you as humans.

What do you think you are? Harper smiled. Miss Andromeda?

I suppose I am human, Tanner Lee said. Although in the scheme  of things that is like deciding whether you are a snake or an insect.

Y’all got some learnin’ to do, Carla said.

I have two college degrees. I doubt you can teach me anything.

I kin teach y’all what a good ass whoopin’ feels like, Carla nodded. You may be smart, but it seems like somethin’ been left out of your edgy-cation.

And what would that be?

Common decency and respect for He who made you, and she who takes you into her home. The first be my boss, the second be me. Straighten up, girl, or take the train.

I thought you liked to make jokes, Tanner Lee said.

We do, but the bullshit comin’ out of your mouth does not sound like a joke. It sounds like mockery. You do not understand the way we operate here, but you damn well better learn real fast, Miss Mensa. Or you will be removin’ my foot from your ass. I do not take shit from anybody, and that includes you, comin’ in here on your high horse tellin’ everybody how superior you are, then stickin’ your clodhoppers under my table. That does not fly hereabouts. You will respect me and mine in my home, and you will respect the God what put you here. If not, I will personally throw your uppity ass into the street.